Is anxiety ruining my chances?

[HeartOfALotus]

Just a little background before I get into the jist of it!

I'm 24, and have only had one relationship which lasted for 5 years and was extremely abusive on all counts (on his side not mine!). I have now been single for 2.5 years and am on medication for depression and anxiety which is well controlled.

 

So, i met this guy online on a dating app and have been on one date with him and going on another one tonight. This guy is fantastic, very grounded, respectful and mature and really funny, he's not necessarily my type looks wise but his personality makes him gorgeous.

 

Our first date went amazing, we slowly built up to holding hands and spoke for the entire evening walking around our local town 3 times. Towards the end of the night he kissed me which was a lot more passionate than I expected and wanted to be honest, but he was extremely understanding and said he'd take it slower.

 

What I need advice on is something my anxiety is going through the roof over. I overthink everything and going through my mind at the minute is whether I like him enough to continue dating him, do I feel what I should be feeling, am I attracted to him etc etc. I think my lack of dating experience is playing a part in this too and this is all new to me. He's really keen on me which I am just not used to! I don't want to throw something away which could be amazing, but my anxiety is getting to the point where I'm scared to see him.

 

I apologise for the rambling, imagine what my brain is like xD but if anyone has been through something similar and has any advice for me that would be great!

 

Thank you!

 

Robyn

[Mardelis]

am on medication for depression and anxiety which is well controlled.

 

my anxiety is going through the roof over. my anxiety is getting to the point where I'm scared to see him.

 

Both of the above posts cannot be true.

 

As far as the following post:

 

Towards the end of the night he kissed me which was a lot more passionate than I expected and wanted to be honest

 

 

Maintain and reinforce your boundaries. Don't be afraid to turn and give him the cheek and say "not ready yet".

[BaileyB]

Hi Robyn,

 

The first few dates are exciting and anxiety provoking for almost everyone, but especially so for someone who has an anxious personality (also me).

 

There is nothing you have shared that would cause me to worry.

 

I will give you the advice that I was given by my best friend, that was so helpful. Simply ask yourself, "Do you like him enough to go out with him again?" That's all you need to decide right now. If the answer is "Yes" then go out with him again - get to know him more and have fun.

 

And yes, if he is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, tell him that. Stay with your boundaries, if he is a good guy he will respect that because he will want you to be comfortable.

 

Good luck!

[HeartOfALotus]

Hi Robyn,

 

The first few dates are exciting and anxiety provoking for almost everyone, but especially so for someone who has an anxious personality (also me).

 

There is nothing you have shared that would cause me to worry.

 

I will give you the advice that I was given by my best friend, that was so helpful. Simply ask yourself, "Do you like him enough to go out with him again?" That's all you need to decide right now. If the answer is "Yes" then go out with him again - get to know him more and have fun.

 

And yes, if he is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, tell him that. Stay with your boundaries, if he is a good guy he will respect that because he will want you to be comfortable.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

I don't think he is someone who wants to jump to intimacy as we have discussed my past and he is very understanding. If I say I want to take it slow then he complies.

 

It's just me, I'm working myself into such a state. Last night he picked me up and dropped me home which was very thoughtful of him to do, and we started passionately kissing but this time I was really into it. Then only way I can describe it is that when I'm with him all my anxiety disappears and I like his company. But as soon as I leave him I go into overthinking mode. We're supposed to be going on a date tonight but I've worked myself into such a state my anxiety is screaming at me to cancel it.

[Gretchen12]

If you were with another guy, your anxiety would still be there. It's you, not him. You end up going through many short relationships with people you find online, or you just quit and be alone. I don't know if different medication or therapy can help you. You are not alone. There are others like you. Your behavior will start to appear erratic to the guy and soon one of you ends it and you go back online to fish for a new guy but then the same anxiety happens.

Edited October 6, 2018 by Gretchen12

[BaileyB]

Then only way I can describe it is that when I'm with him all my anxiety disappears and I like his company.

 

But as soon as I leave him I go into overthinking mode. We're supposed to be going on a date tonight but I've worked myself into such a state my anxiety is screaming at me to cancel it.

 

That's a really good sign. I also found dating anxiety provoking, but when I met my boyfriend I was excited to see him, but not anxious. Strangely comfortable in his presence. That was an interesting difference, and it foreshadowed good things to come...

 

As to the overthinking, you must stop that. What have you learned in counselling that would help you to manage those thoughts. Exercise, go out with a friend, deep breathing, etc...

 

For me, that was where my friends comment helped. It slowed those thoughts. It's just a date. A few hours together. Nothing more. My only goal was to get to know him and have fun!

 

You need to do some positive self talk. Change your thinking. Stop those worry spirals before they start.