Why has this conversation created so many negative emotions and insecurity in me?

[Leticiabop]

Hi there, so not so long ago my boyfriend of 8 months which is older than me, we were talking and I guess that during our conversation something triggered him to talk about a girl, who last year (Feb-2017) he met in his work area, she is a Senior management administrator of a beautiful building and he is part of a group of engineers who were working in that building, so he told me that she was very flirtatious, he thought she was engaged because of a ring she had, but then she appeared without the ring, cause her boyfriend had dumped her for his ex girlfriend.

 

 

 

So well my boyfriend which by that time was single and we had not still not met each other , started going out with her, and getting to know each other, this girl was always flirting with him, and so he felt attracted to her quickly, thereby felt many illusions quickly, the point is they did not have a relationship, it never got to the point of boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship (they did not even have sex) he told me that he got tired cause she was too Diva, but also that she was too insecure and was not balanced mentally (According to my boyfriend) so he got bored of her excuses, and her behavior I guess, so that ended.

 

 

 

So a weekend when we were together, he brought her up, I do remember when him and I started dating he talked very superficially about her, barely nothing, but know he opened more about her and who is she and more detailed explanations, So I felt a little insecure when he brought her up(Especially when he said that she is very pretty,looks like a model,has a great job, etc,, This really made me feel DOWN!!!) cause I had seen a picture of her on his Facebook( BTW me and My boyfriend don't have each other on Facebook, months ago he told me his profile user name, to add each other but I never did),so this girl that I had seen on his friends list, I had assumed it was the same girl he had mentioned at the beginning, and in fact it was her, so I knew how she looked physically,She does have a similar style/prototype like me.

 

 

 

But now for some weird reason, I feel the curiosity to see how she looks like, to see her pictures and compare myself to her, and see who is hotter, prettier, best body all his nonsense. I don't want to say it's an obsession, but I get very curious about all of this, Am I being insecure for feeling this way? or is it normal curiosity, or just to even compare myself to another girl that my boyfriend had something with.

 

 

 

 

I just feel very curious, I just hope he is not with me, because that girl and me have a similar prototype. I feel as if I wanted to know who he finds better if me or her, physically speaking, but I don't dare to ask him, I don't think that I wont. I am going to be honest, I don't want to sound cocky or like if I am trying to put her down, I admit she is pretty, but the way that my boyfriend described her or talked about her, was not what I was expecting, I thought she was like some gorgeous 5'9 model, beautiful face, hair, everything, So I felt very shocked, like surprised when I saw her picture, I was thinking of something WOW, but not Really,as I said she is pretty, cute girl, normal to me, just my opinion, but not supermodel, he even told me that the building where she works, half of the man that lived in that luxury building where after her, sending her flowers, she is part of the management group.

 

 

He told me at first that they almost got intimate but they didn't and yesterday when I brought the topic how much is too long to wait to have sex again, I was like a year is too much in my opinion, so I asked him if last year (referring to 2017) if had intimacy with someone or not, and he says ''yes at the beginning, I was with a girl. we went out a couple of times, and had sex'', was it love? NO, and I am glad it did not worked. He says he does not like the fact that a girl has to much admirers behind her. this girl apparently did have many. According to him half of the building in which she worked was after her!!

 

 

BTW, should I tell him that we should add each other on Facebook, cause maybe this would be a good Idea, at the beginning he told me his profile name, I guess to look him up, and I never found him until a couples of months ago, should I do it know, and that way I can see his reaction, cause I know he still has this girl as a friend on Facebook, so that way I can just say '' hey isn't this the girl you had something with last year? why do you still have her as a friend on Facebook? personally I don't like this, cause let's say that every time she posts something, her looking sexy, bikini or whatever it's going to appear on his timeline and he will maybe get some type of idea/nostalgia.

[stillafool]

Looks are subjective and can make an otherwise plain looking person seem like a goddess if they have a radiant personality.

[d0nnivain]

You are going to make yourself crazy & ruin this relationship. He dumped her after a few weeks because he immediately realized that she is ugly on the inside -- diva, mentally unbalanced etc. He's been dating you for 8 months. You are the Winner! Take the victory lap & move along. She's someone he works with. Period. Stop fretting. It's unattractive & will cost you this relationship if you don't simmer down about it.

[Ruby Slippers]

In general, people have poor emotional intelligence and don't understand it's a bad idea to go on about any ex's qualities. I've experienced this before when a boyfriend went on about an ex-crush. Though I tried, I could never get past it. It killed the romance for me.

[preraph]

Here's his problem. He never got to have sex with her. He finds her attractive so he wishes he knew what she was like in bed. Who knows if she faded on him or if he faded on her, ostensibly because she was a diva. My guess is she faded on him and not the other way around. My guess is they dated and she didn't want him enough to have sex with him and faded on him or placed him in the friendzone (evidenced by FB).

 

So does he still have a boner for her? Probably. Is he going to get to do anything about it? No, so stop looking for trouble. Why would she suddenly decide she wanted him after they already dated and failed? Why he talks to you about her, not sure. Some guys thinks it makes them look more attractive to you if you think other pretty women want them. Some guys consider you their confident and talk about other women because you're their friend and they want to tell you their story.

 

You need to learn to relax. You can't enjoy a relationship if you don't relax. You cannot monitor a person enough to be certain they aren't cheating, so why spin your wheels trying? He's with you, so he must want to be with you. Just accept that. Can another woman come along sometime that he wants bad enough to leave or cheat? Yes, but worrying about it will only make it more likely to happen and waste the time you have together. The best way to strengthen your relationship is to have fun and be fun and entertaining for him so he wants to be with you -- not act insecure and pathetic and fearful of losing him. Leave that door open, and if he stays, then you have true security because you know he stayed all on his own for his own reasons, not because you imprisoned him.

[smackie9]

Some guys are so dense, they just don't realize their GF/spouse just don't want to hear about all the details. YOU shouldn't be bringing up these types of topics if they are going to eat at you. Be careful what you ask for. Drop it and move forward.

[Versacehottie]

What is that saying that "somewhere there is a beautiful girl whose boyfriend/husband doesn't want to f*** her"?"

 

Basically take that into consideration; people get fed up with people they were enamored with because their personal reality of being with them doesn't live up to the exterior fantasy. He was counterbalancing her success and looks with her personality deficiencies when he told you the story. It doesn't mean that he isn't still intrigued. But don't let it influence how you interact with him. You really need to act with supreme confidence that he has chosen and chooses to be with you. Not only because it is the truth (sadly, it's always a risk that life can change and maybe he will change his mind) BUT because it is your best defense against generating unnecessary insecurity that will hurt your relationship with each other. Flirt harmlessly with other guys if you need to--to remind you that you too are wanted by people even if you don't act on it, of course.

 

I think it's normal to be curious. But if you feed that curiosity then you are doing yourself a disservice at a certain point. I would stop looking at her social media (you know enough now). As for becoming FB friends with your boyfriend, I don't think I would. Whatever decision you have made to this point NOT to be friends is what should guide you. If you simply never got around to it, well then maybe. But i think it's a slippery slope where you will monitor his activity, which won't be good for the relationship. I think if you are really uncomfortable, you should ask him more questions about the conversation the other day and then let him know that you both you really appreciate the fact that he opens up to you, there are moments like telling you all about her where it makes you feel a bit insecure. I think use it as a discussion point to bring you guys close and better communicators with each other. Not to cut him off with being open with you (which also would be a relationship killer). This could be challenging to make clear because one or both of you might go on the defense.

 

But addressing him with it directly seems to be the better option than any external "controls" you might try to do. If you can absorb the fact that everyone has histories beforehand and ignore it within yourself that's a good option too. I don't mean to stick your head in the sand and ignore if your boyfriend is acting off, just that you ignore insecure and irrational thoughts. Good luck

[muse08]

OP, some men(& women) talk about stuff like this just to push buttons and test your triggers. I hate to say it but it conditions some of us to just not give a crap about them or what they say.

 

I agree that you shouldn’t be worried and you should try to relax, but at the same time we honestly never know what another person’s actions will be. And just because people don’t work out at first , doesn’t mean they don’t try again. I’ve seen it. I’ve done it. So when someone said what he’s NOT going to do, they obviously don’t know. None of us know.

 

Please try developing thicker skin though. Not saying be completely cold. I just mean, focus more on yourself if he ever initiates a conversation like that again. Or give him LOTS of space, respectfully. The idea being to not be nasty, but to be intentionally fair and kool while giving him distance and/or giving the relationship a break. Right now he doesn’t know or doesn’t give a **** about hurting your feelings.

 

Don’t reinforce behaviors you DON’T welcome.

Edited October 6, 2018 by muse08

[muse08]

Additionally, if or when you give him space respectfully ...you could tell him why you’re not too satisfied with how things are going at the moment, making you wonder what else is out there...

 

Personally, I’ve had to say that to a guy and I was quite calm, almost to the point of smirking in his face as if to say, “I’m done... as so happy I am”. He’ll likely be vexed and show soon there after whether he has any common sense or not.

[Leticiabop]

Here's his problem. He never got to have sex with her. He finds her attractive so he wishes he knew what she was like in bed. Who knows if she faded on him or if he faded on her, ostensibly because she was a diva. My guess is she faded on him and not the other way around. My guess is they dated and she didn't want him enough to have sex with him and faded on him or placed him in the friendzone (evidenced by FB).

 

So does he still have a boner for her? Probably. Is he going to get to do anything about it? No, so stop looking for trouble. Why would she suddenly decide she wanted him after they already dated and failed? Why he talks to you about her, not sure. Some guys thinks it makes them look more attractive to you if you think other pretty women want them. Some guys consider you their confident and talk about other women because you're their friend and they want to tell you their story.

 

You need to learn to relax. You can't enjoy a relationship if you don't relax. You cannot monitor a person enough to be certain they aren't cheating, so why spin your wheels trying? He's with you, so he must want to be with you. Just accept that. Can another woman come along sometime that he wants bad enough to leave or cheat? Yes, but worrying about it will only make it more likely to happen and waste the time you have together. The best way to strengthen your relationship is to have fun and be fun and entertaining for him so he wants to be with you -- not act insecure and pathetic and fearful of losing him. Leave that door open, and if he stays, then you have true security because you know he stayed all on his own for his own reasons, not because you imprisoned him.

 

 

@preraph, Hi, thanks, I think you hit the spot, but why do you think this is the reason?

 

 

Btw Today she popped out in a conversation we had, but it was my fault, cause we where at church, cause my bf he is religious, and I was telling him that sometimes we think that god has a certain thing for us, but we tend to be wrong, cause this great thing he has for us will come when we least expect it, so he told me that last year god told him in a dream that joy will come to his life, and he thought that it was going to be this girl (here he mentions her ughh, even though I triggered the conversation) but he realized it was not her at all, she was too insecure, mentally unstable, plus she was too flirtatious with everyone, plus she had too many men after her (especially millionaire men,that live in the luxury apartment building she works in, he says that some people where trying to hook them up, but they where already together, and two of his good friends knew, and some others that worked with him got like jealous that he started to go out with her.

 

 

 

 

He told me that this thing between them vanished, he got tired, fed up (he told me that at the beginning felt a very quick emotion/ilusion for her,FACT IS: he realized that he was more interested/invested in her, than she was in him, cause at the end he got to see who she was (Diva,insecure) he said she had like personal problems, cause her boyfriend had dumped her for this blonde girl, so my bf did not understand why! because he says this girl is way prettier, good person,good job etc, so he started with the whole she was even asked if she wanted to model, blah,b blah, I don't understand why my bf has to mention this, for all I know the times that he has mentioned her to me, he always says the SAME THING!!! and I told him maybe she is insecure, cause she does not like her body, or does not have a good body or something, and boy oh boy this part messed me up, he was like:''in fact she has a great body, all the ladies that lived in the building where she works told her ''oh wow you have an amazing hourglass/ coke bottle body!!, I WAS SO BOTHERED.

 

 

 

My boyfriend does not know at all that I have seen her pictures already, and he is exaggerating without a doubt, this girl does not have a coke bottle body, she has big boobs cause she had plastic surgery, chubby strong upper body, and her lower body is normal, I did not see curves at all, and model of what?? she is 5'4 (this is short or below average to be a model) maybe a underwear model LOL I believe that after my boyfriend divorced his older and ugly ex wife, he got to live life again,so when he saw this woman he was mesmerized, after all he married his older wife when he was just 30 years old and his wife was like 43, so I don't blame him for seeing a normal pretty girl like an amazing supermodel.

 

 

 

What bothers me is the fact that he mentions her to me and makes her seem more beautiful than what she is in reality, why is he exaggerating her so much??, and talking so grandiosely about her to me, what is the purpose of this?. I mean he has talked about her in total, like 4 times, like 2 times it was my fault from bringing up subjects in which obviously he was going to mention her.

 

 

I told him very calmly:" listen if you want to make me jealous, you will not achieve that, she is not threat to me, I know that many man do this to provoke or trigger their girlfriend, to see if she gets jealous, its not my cause, you can put her in front of me and I will still think I am better and hotter than her. (even if I am insecure, I did not let him think that).I closed the topic like this, and I could tell he got like a little mad, that I was making fun of the fact that he was making her seem like a superwoman. I GOT ON HIS NERVES,WONDER WHY,MAYBE HE DID WANTED TO STRIKE A NERVE ON ME.

[elaine567]

When people are enamoured, crushing, in love with another person they want to talk about them all the time.

When that person is in a relationship, they can end up talking to their partner about that person as they want to get it out there about how awesome that person is. They bring them up "innocently", and the partner may not suspect but when they find out they realise they already know quite a lot about the girl they are being cheated upon with, as he talked about her all the time.

I am not saying he is cheating but this girl has had a huge effect on him and that isn't good news for you.

 

Of course he may just be a jerk making himself feel better by putting you down and making you feel insecure...

Be careful.

[stillafool]

In his mind she does have model looks. Again, looks are subjective so she may have the features/body that he sees as perfect where someone else does not. It seems he can't stop himself from talking about her and I don't think he's over her yet. You should start changing the subject when he talks about her.

[2much4]

Tell him you dont give a #$@# about bis ex and to stop talking about her. You don't need to know anything if you're going to be upset about it.

 

As to why he's doing it: a lot of people exagerate their exes qualities, because they think it reflects well on them.

[kendahke]

At the end of the day, once you've found her pictures and compared yourself to her and gotten completely down on yourself for not measuring up to the facade she puts forth--which isn't the real her, btw--what will change by you doing that? What will that reinforce in you?

 

Thing is: he shouldn't be bringing up his ex with the frequency he does--and when he does, you need to own your voice and speak up and tell him "yeah, cute story, but I'm really not interested in anything about your ex, so I'd appreciate it if you'd stop bringing her up."

 

As this isn't a once in a lifetime occurrence, and he's done it a couple of times, it's time for you to stop being nice about it. If you dont' want to hear about her, you shouldn't have to--he can gush about her to someone else if he needs to that badly.

 

While he might be dense and not understand the damage his bringing her up all the time does, I'll bet dollars to donuts that he wouldn't like it if you were doing this to him.

should I tell him that we should add each other on Facebook,

 

No. You are already battling with self image issues with your comparison of yourself with this chick--you don't need to deep dive into his friends list and end up drowning in your comparative analysis of the women in his social circle.