Baffled by question before first date

[Sentient6]

Hi there guys,

Just need some opinions on the following situation.

 

So I got out of a 5 year relationship about a year and a half back. The whole thing was hanging on by a thread for the last couple of years. Basically both of us did not want to just accept the fact that it didn't work anymore.

 

After the initial shock and after some friends urged me to do it I set up a Tinder account after a couple of months just to try to find something new. I have had some good and some bad dates with girls I met through there in the last year, but haven't really been able to get anything more meaningful out of it.

 

 

Basically I haven't been on a date with a girl I really really like and connect with in ages.

 

 

Then all of a sudden I meet this amazing new girl at a female friend's party.

We hit it off immediately, ended up talking all night about anything and everything and exchanging numbers.

 

I felt a connection with her, which I haven't felt with anybody in years, so I didn't do anything right there and then, which could blow this up for me.

 

So we have our first call a couple of days later and arrange a date. The call was short and sweet, nothing extraodinary.

Called her again today to arrange specifics and we end up having a great fun conversation for about 20 mins.

 

 

 

And then she asks me if my female friend (one who threw the party we met at) will be coming too. And it's not like they are even good friends themselves. This girl is just a new colleague of our "friend in common" since two weeks. First time they interacted out of work was at that very party! I've known her for over 2 years.

 

 

 

I was completely baffled by that question and told her I hadn't spoken with her since that day. We continued talking for a couple of minutes, set up a time and place and hang up.

 

 

 

Anyway, the date is still on but that totally threw me off.

 

 

Am I reading too much into this/overreacting? Did I give her the wrong kind of vibe? Did she really think that what I had in mind was a get together? What is there to do to fix this?

 

 

 

Thank you!!

[USMCHokie]

“No.”

 

Don’t overthink this. Go on the date and have fun.

[basil67]

She was checking to find out if it was a date or a gathering of friends. She now knows it's a date and all is good.

 

Nothing to worry about. Nothing to fix.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

That is an odd question to ask.

 

Does she even know this is a date? If she is asking if another woman is going, she might think that you are just interested in being friends, or perhaps she is a bit inexperienced or nervous about being alone with you?

 

Personally, I would want to clarify why she asked just to make sure she is comfortable and on the same page as you.

Edited October 4, 2018 by Scarlett.O'hara

[Sentient6]

Thanks to both of you guys for your answers!

 

 

 

I have been in two long term relationships for the most part of the last ten years (I am 27 now), so dating and its intricacies is not something I am really that good at right now .

 

 

I just thought I may have given her the wrong impression. Should I address this in any way, shape or form tomorrow on the date? What if she asks me about it?

 

 

Also, she told me that she really likes karaoke and singing in general. There's actually a great place I know, where we could go for that. The thing is, I am really terrible at singing. Extraordinarily bad! Should I go for it or do something more conventional (grab a drink, maybe sth to eat)

 

 

Cheers!

[Sentient6]

That is an odd question to ask.

 

Does she even know this is a date? If she is asking if another woman is going, she might think that you are just interested in being friends, or perhaps she is a bit inexperienced or nervous about being alone with you?

 

Personally, I would want to clarify why she asked just to make sure she is comfortable and on the same page as you.

 

 

Hey, thanks for your reply.

 

 

That's the thing, I though I made it pretty clear on our first phone call,what this was going to be. I said "Listen, I had a great time talking to you on Saturday, would you like to grab a drink later next week?"

 

 

Is that not clear enough? Should I have been more specific?

[RedHead5]

Don't ask, go on the date.

 

I would guess that she was unclear if this was a date or not and wanted some clarification. You clarified so if she still shows up you're good.

[RedHead5]

Hey, thanks for your reply.

 

 

That's the thing, I though I made it pretty clear on our first phone call,what this was going to be. I said "Listen, I had a great time talking to you on Saturday, would you like to grab a drink later next week?"

 

 

Is that not clear enough? Should I have been more specific?

 

If that is Verbatim what you said, it could have been misconstrued if she had doubts. grabbing a drink is pretty casual and if you didn't say specifically with you that part could be left open to interpretation.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Hey, thanks for your reply.

 

 

That's the thing, I though I made it pretty clear on our first phone call,what this was going to be. I said "Listen, I had a great time talking to you on Saturday, would you like to grab a drink later next week?"

 

 

Is that not clear enough? Should I have been more specific?

 

I think it might be a bit too awkward to bring up at this point. All you can do is make it obvious that you are romantically interested in her on the date and see if she reciprocates.

 

I hope it works out for you. Good luck!

[SouthernIslander]

I vote don’t ask and don’t overthink it. Dating is to get to know someone and having fun. You don’t want to kill the flow by over analyzing. Things will progress as they should.

 

Hope you have a great first date. :-)

[Sentient6]

If that is Verbatim what you said, it could have been misconstrued if she had doubts. grabbing a drink is pretty casual and if you didn't say specifically with you that part could be left open to interpretation.

 

 

Yeah, this is pretty much the exact words I used. I see what you are saying.

Looks like I could have phrased the question a little better.

 

 

But what confused me, is that she said yes to that right way, never asking me to be more specific. It was only on the second call, which by all means could never have happened if I hadn't decided to call her instead of texting her with a time and place (basically what we said we would do on the first call). It's just that I really wanted to call and I do a lot better at phone calls than texting anyway

[Sentient6]

I vote don’t ask and don’t overthink it. Dating is to get to know someone and having fun. You don’t want to kill the flow by over analyzing. Things will progress as they should.

 

Hope you have a great first date. :-)

 

 

Thank you Southernislander

[Sentient6]

I think it might be a bit too awkward to bring up at this point. All you can do is make it obvious that you are romantically interested in her on the date and see if she reciprocates.

 

I hope it works out for you. Good luck!

 

 

I agree with you on the bolded part Scarlett.O'hara... Could you please explain a bit what you mean by "make it obvious"?

[Gretchen12]

If you really want to revisit this topic, you can bring it up and say hey I hope YOU are not bringing a third wheel, because I want to get to know you!

I'm not sure if you should sing... haha.. that might ruin the date

[alphamale]

maybe she's into threesomes??

[Sentient6]

If you really want to revisit this topic, you can bring it up and say hey I hope YOU are not bringing a third wheel, because I want to get to know you!

I'm not sure if you should sing... haha.. that might ruin the date

 

Thanks Gretchen12! This is actually a great way to casually mention it and get it out of the way in a fun manner.

 

As far as the singing goes, the more I think about the better I feel about not mentioning anything about that place as soon as she started talking karaoke... Would have been really embarassing!

[RedHead5]

Yeah, this is pretty much the exact words I used. I see what you are saying.

Looks like I could have phrased the question a little better.

 

 

But what confused me, is that she said yes to that right way, never asking me to be more specific. It was only on the second call, which by all means could never have happened if I hadn't decided to call her instead of texting her with a time and place (basically what we said we would do on the first call). It's just that I really wanted to call and I do a lot better at phone calls than texting anyway

 

She probably just had plenty of time to overthink it after your first call, like you now. Don't stress it.

[Sentient6]

Hey all,

Just returned home from the date. Didn't even mention the whole thing in the end, neither did she. Too much worrying for nothing basically, so thank you all for talking some sense into me.

 

So the date was preeeety preeeety weird (Larry David voice). First things first, let me lay down the framework of the date. Due to leaving work really late, I had to go and meet her straight from work. She called first to confirm (I did not have the time to do it all day). We went to get a pizza, because we were both starving and then for a couple of beers/cocktails at a nearby place downtown. The whole thing lasted over 4 hours, some touching here and there, but...

 

...turns out, she is a pretty f*cked up individual. Still talked about a lot of things, but she just started complaining about her job (she's new in the city and it's her first job here), her colleagues, her parents, anything you can imagine. I tried constantly to shift the discussion to more positive things, but it would come back to this pit of negativity again.

 

Even when I asked about her freaking childhood and how it was like growing up where she did (I normally start a fun discussion with that question on dates), she told me that she hated that place and did not have any warm memories of it.

 

The only thing she talked warmly about was her studies and her university. She doesn't work in that field right now, but her dream is to that at some point.

 

At a point we got to discussing past relationships, something I normally avoid on first dates, but we just got to talking about love and the concept of true love so with all the sh*t she was telling me, I felt compelled to mention that I've been in two relationships the past eleven years (4 years and 5.5 years) and I kinda know how that feels like.

 

Then she started talking about how she has been depressed her whole life, how she never has felt real love for anybody, about her shrink, about a gay friend she used to have sex with (what?), about how she verbally abused an ex boyfriend that adored her just to get a kick ot of it, about party drugs, basically emphasizing the whole time why she is a bad person. What I got from it is, because she is pretty young (24-25), she thinks that that whole "I don't even care" or "Bad/Crazy chick" schtick is somehow cool and appealing.

 

I did not even for a second let her think that I was gonna pay for everything. We split the bill, I walked her to the station and didn't make any kind of move (extremely tired + confused as hell by what had been said in the past couple of hours).

 

Still think had I made a move to kiss her, she would have loved it/reciprocated. I was just so devoid of energy that I did not know how to follow up on it, and the logistics didn't work at all in my favour tonight that I did not.

 

How could a first impression be so wrong? I really really liked that girl from the litlle I knew her. From what I've told you, is there really any point trying to make anything out of this? Maybe she's in a real bad place right now (new city, new job, few friends) and it's something that 'll pass? And to be honest, she's extremely hot too , I know that's extremely shallow, but it's the only thing keeping me from completely dismissing her.

 

What do you guys think?

 

Thank y'all!

[alphamale]

dude, jettison this drama queen. she'll make your life hell

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Run Forest!

 

She actually admitted to verbally abusing an adoring ex boyfriend just to get a kick out of it.. wow! She almost sounds proud of it. Huge red flag!

 

If you willing to overlook this level vindictiveness and negativity early on just because you find her attractive then you are going regret it big time, I can promise you that.

 

Luckily she showed her true colors this early. You have the luxury of getting out this mess quietly and unscathed.

[Sentient6]

I hear you both... Thing is, she is nothing like the average girl I've been meeting through online apps for the past 15-18 months. She is actually pretty intelligent and knowledgeable for her age and there's something about helping her out of that state of despair that I like. Find it challenging in a way.

 

I know that may sound stupid and I may be setting myself up for a major **** show here. Though I know you are not supposed to play the therapist for these people, is it right to just cut contact after somebody opens up like that to you?

 

 

At the end she admitted she had never opened up like that to someone she had essentially just met.

 

 

Thanks for your opinions people!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I hear you both... Thing is, she is nothing like the average girl I've been meeting through online apps for the past 15-18 months. She is actually pretty intelligent and knowledgeable for her age and there's something about helping her out of that state of despair that I like. Find it challenging in a way.

 

I know that may sound stupid and I may be setting myself up for a major **** show here. Though I know you are not supposed to play the therapist for these people, is it right to just cut contact after somebody opens up like that to you?

 

 

At the end she admitted she had never opened up like that to someone she had essentially just met.

 

 

Thanks for your opinions people!

 

It feels like opening up in the beginning.

 

But three months from now when all she is doing is complaining about the same stuff over and over and over, you're going to be REALLY sick of her.

 

I would toss this one back!!

[lurker74]

Relationships are based on the idea that one person must rescue the other person. Real relationships, when you eventually get there, are based on the idea that you accept the person as they are without feeling the need to rescue them and without feeling the need to be rescued. I don't see how that proposition is in play after the date, but by all means maybe you caught her on a bad night and if you want on a second date it might be different. Probably not, but you never know.

[Sentient6]

Relationships are based on the idea that one person must rescue the other person. Real relationships, when you eventually get there, are based on the idea that you accept the person as they are without feeling the need to rescue them and without feeling the need to be rescued. I don't see how that proposition is in play after the date, but by all means maybe you caught her on a bad night and if you want on a second date it might be different. Probably not, but you never know.

 

 

Thanks for the insight lurker74!

 

Maybe this is extremely naive, but I really don't think that people can be inherently horrible. It's just circumstances and environment that shapes the way we are in the short term.

 

I for one used to be depressed and full of anger and hate for myself and everything around me for a long time after a terrible break up with a gf of 4 years. I was obnoxious, overreactive, abusive and an all around *******. I lost good friends and missed a lot of opportunities due to this. Then I met this amazing girl, who despite my awfulness understood me, showed interest in me and got to know me. We ended up being together for 5.5 years. I got over all the negativity. She helped me get over it. For almost 4 years I was the happiest I had ever been, became more active, more social, made new friends and got myself a decent job. Even though it ended, I still love her and I will always be thankful for what she did for me.

 

So my own experience being "rescued" from this slump I was in emotionally is what makes me wonder if I should go for it despite the initial disappointment.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thanks for the insight lurker74!

 

Maybe this is extremely naive, but I really don't think that people can be inherently horrible. It's just circumstances and environment that shapes the way we are in the short term.

 

I for one used to be depressed and full of anger and hate for myself and everything around me for a long time after a terrible break up with a gf of 4 years. I was obnoxious, overreactive, abusive and an all around *******. I lost good friends and missed a lot of opportunities due to this. Then I met this amazing girl, who despite my awfulness understood me, showed interest in me and got to know me. We ended up being together for 5.5 years. I got over all the negativity. She helped me get over it. For almost 4 years I was the happiest I had ever been, became more active, more social, made new friends and got myself a decent job. Even though it ended, I still love her and I will always be thankful for what she did for me.

 

So my own experience being "rescued" from this slump I was in emotionally is what makes me wonder if I should go for it despite the initial disappointment.

 

With all due respect, I think a lot of your reasoning is coming from a place of sexual attraction.