When she goes distant when you're ill.

[fromheart]

Writing this from the man's perspective as that is my experience.

 

I've had several cases in relationships of the woman pulling away while I'm ill, or treating me badly.

 

Back in my nice guy days I would tolerate, try and understand. The answers I usually got where 'she needs me to be a real man.....' 'you are needy, etc.'

 

One article I read on this had the woman saying 'I have a period every month, stop being an F'ing p#ssy.'

 

No. Ignoring someone when they are ill and giving them attention when they are healthy is a form of abuse.

 

I don't need a second mother when I'm ill, but when your cohabiting or in a relationship, part of it is caring about and being there for the other. You've got their corner should things go wrong. You'll help them back on their feet.

 

I feel that women who do not have that nurturing, caring side are lacking in femininity and basic empathy and this is reflective of deeper psychological issues. They are not going to be good partners and certainly would not be a good choice for children. (That can also be applied to men)

 

Yet many men (and women) are allowing this behavioral pattern in the other.

 

I say, if she can't check up on you when your down with flu, if she treats you badly for not being a plastic/steel robot that never has problems and is never ill, she's not going to be there when life gets really difficult.

 

I speak from experience. I had a woman who would treat me badly when I was ill. When one of my parents died, even then she viewed my grief as needy. Shortly after, she dumped me. At the time I was convinced that I had done something wrong. That was a while ago, and was the end of my nice guy stage of life.

 

Recently, the girl I was chatting with disappeared when I told her I was bed ridden with flu. She's off the list completely. Doesn't matter how much I previously liked her. Doesn't matter that she's going to reappear when I get my health back. She just showed me that she's not what I'm looking for and by stepping away, I give her every opportunity to change herself for the better.

 

Writing this because so often I hear and read 'She/He disappeared when I was ill...' They did you a favor. Let them disappear quickly.

Edited October 4, 2018 by fromheart

[Logo]

You've been with the wrong women. Sorry.

 

 

 

A women who loves you, respects you and trusts you, will be by your side in a heartbeat trying to make you feel better and support you.

 

 

 

I hope you'll find the right person soon. You deserve better.

[alphamale]

You've been with the wrong women. Sorry.

 

 

 

A women who loves you, respects you and trusts you, will be by your side in a heartbeat trying to make you feel better and support you.

 

 

 

I hope you'll find the right person soon. You deserve better.

 

^^this^^...

[Ruby Slippers]

Ask yourself why you keep choosing women who don't treat you with respect and love. Most likely it's because you don't truly respect and love yourself, have low self-worth. Until you improve that, you'll just keep getting more of the same.

 

Though my relationships have been with generally caring men, they've had certain deficits I never would have attracted or put up with if my self-worth had been stronger. The root of this for me was a bad childhood with an abusive dad. I recognized this a long time ago, but it's only now about halfway through life that I'm figuring out just how pervasive its aftereffects have been, and what I can do to remedy it.

[fromheart]

Ask yourself why you keep choosing women who don't treat you with respect and love. Most likely it's because you don't truly respect and love yourself, have low self-worth. Until you improve that, you'll just keep getting more of the same.

 

Though my relationships have been with generally caring men, they've had certain deficits I never would have attracted or put up with if my self-worth had been stronger. The root of this for me was a bad childhood with an abusive dad. I recognized this a long time ago, but it's only now about halfway through life that I'm figuring out just how pervasive its aftereffects have been, and what I can do to remedy it.

 

 

This was a while back, I don't tolerate this sort of nonsense now and never would.

 

Glad you've got to the root cause, its somewhat similar to mine.

[basil67]

People often treat you as they want to be treated.

 

When my husband is ill, he wants to be left alone. Like really LEFT ALONE. Therefore, he treats me how he wants to be treated. So even though I'd like to be checked on and have pain killers brought, it doesn't occur to him. After 25 years together, it STILL doesn't occur to him. But if I had written him off for this one thing, I would have missed out on a terrific relationship....especially as it's rare that I'm so ill as to need to be cared for.

 

Have you told your girlfriends that you'd appreciate a bit of company when you're ill?

[Gretchen12]

Just from reading some posts online, it seems sometimes when you phone or text to tell the person you are ill, and it is your reason for cancelling a date, the person doesn't always believe you. (Especially when you cancel last minute and you don't reschedule.)

[fromheart]

People often treat you as they want to be treated.

 

When my husband is ill, he wants to be left alone. Like really LEFT ALONE. Therefore, he treats me how he wants to be treated. So even though I'd like to be checked on and have pain killers brought, it doesn't occur to him. After 25 years together, it STILL doesn't occur to him. But if I had written him off for this one thing, I would have missed out on a terrific relationship....especially as it's rare that I'm so ill as to need to be cared for.

 

Have you told your girlfriends that you'd appreciate a bit of company when you're ill?

 

 

This is in the past now, I just forget about women who disappear when your ill nowadays.

 

But back then, of course I'd want to talk about it, waiting for the beautiful light of love to solve everything. That's what nice guys do. I'd be told that I was weak and needy.

 

I remember one ex, we were traveling in a the tropics and I'd become very sick. She'd get up and leave in the morning, without so much as looking in my direction. As the tap water wasn't drinkable, I'd have to crawl to a shop to get water.

 

Another woman would shout at me when I started to get better. If I was well enough to work today, why wasn't I well enough yesterday.

 

So when a woman goes distant when I'm ill nowadays, or not feeling at my best, I dump them. The sit down and talk about it doesn't really solve anything. Walking away because they are dysfunctional, may help them more.

[BaileyB]

My boyfriend is ill this week. I text and call him every day, I have offered to take him food, but otherwise... He does not want me to come by and get sick and I am grateful for that! I would expect, and do, the same for him.m

[d0nnivain]

Good for you for figuring out where your boundaries are. I do suggest talking about your expectations before you get sick though. In a new relationship I would not be all over someone the 1st time they got sick. I am one of those who wants to be left alone. On my honeymoon I came down with a cold & wanted my brand new husband to leave me alone as in get out of the hotel room. I did not know how to be sick with somebody else hovering. I would never be mean to somebody like those women who yelled at you but unless I understood that is what you wanted / needed I would not come rushing over with chicken soup.

[BaileyB]

I remember one ex, we were traveling in a the tropics and I'd become very sick. She'd get up and leave in the morning, without so much as looking in my direction. As the tap water wasn't drinkable, I'd have to crawl to a shop to get water.

 

Another woman would shout at me when I started to get better. If I was well enough to work today, why wasn't I well enough yesterday.

 

Walking away because they are dysfunctional, may help them more.

 

This has nothing to do with illness. Individuals (man of woman) who would do this are selfish and unkind.

 

And walking away because they are dysfunctional will help you more than it will help them. No doubt, they will continue on until they can't find someone who will tolerate this kind of behavior - which won't matter to you anymore because you won't have to deal with them...

[Malin889]

Did this happen to you recently? You seem really upset by it. I’m sorry this has been happening to you.

[fromheart]

Good for you for figuring out where your boundaries are. I do suggest talking about your expectations before you get sick though. In a new relationship I would not be all over someone the 1st time they got sick. I am one of those who wants to be left alone. On my honeymoon I came down with a cold & wanted my brand new husband to leave me alone as in get out of the hotel room. I did not know how to be sick with somebody else hovering. I would never be mean to somebody like those women who yelled at you but unless I understood that is what you wanted / needed I would not come rushing over with chicken soup.

 

I don't really feel you should have to say to a fully grown adult, 'I believe that two people that care about each other, should look after one another when sick.' If they haven't grasped that simple human behavioral pattern in their adult years, they probably never will.

 

How it's done, is another thing. If the intention was never there in the first place, then there is a problem.

[fromheart]

This has nothing to do with illness. Individuals (man of woman) who would do this are selfish and unkind.

 

And walking away because they are dysfunctional will help you more than it will help them. No doubt, they will continue on until they can't find someone who will tolerate this kind of behavior - which won't matter to you anymore because you won't have to deal with them...

 

 

I would say that its a form of mental/emotional illness where they don't have the empathy to be consistently kind to someone close to them. Often these people can express kindness to strangers, more than they can to those that they are intimate with.

 

No, I don't have to deal with them. This last bout of illness I was very grateful to not have these people in my lives.

[fromheart]

Did this happen to you recently? You seem really upset by it. I’m sorry this has been happening to you.

 

 

Thank you. No, this was in my nice guy days. I wouldn't tolerate this behavior now, and encourage others to make the same stance.