She pulls away

[Sallos]

Hello everyone.

 

 

I'll preface this by saying that I know the only person that really knows what's going on is her but I was hoping someone might be able to give me some clues. She does have some depression issues.

 

I met this girl a couple of weeks ago. We typically send each other a few messages everyday just seeing how the other's day is going or if we find some new music the other might like. She has told me a few times that she really likes me.

 

We went out on our second date over the weekend. Everything went well. She talks about how comfortable she is with me. We went to part ways and she says she had fun. Then hugs and kisses me. Naturally I'm thinking things are going well.

 

I get home and within half an hour she texts me and apologizes that she looked ugly that night. I told her that I didn't think that was the case at all. I go to bed and wake up the next morning text her good morning and went on my way to work. I never got a text back.

 

Later that evening,I text her again and ask if she's doing ok. She says sometimes she just needs a break from talking to people. I proceed to ask if something had happened because she seemed ok the day before. She proceeds to say she kissed me because she felt like I wanted to and she didn't want to disappoint me. (Which as unyielding as she is,I can't really imagine that being the case.) I told her that I never want her to do something in fear of disappointing me and left it alone. I made a mental note to just give her space. Same night after this discussion she texts me later to say good night about an hour earlier than she goes to bed.

 

She texts me this morning and says good morning. I say the same back and nothing since.

 

Now it all seems to be a little too coincidental to not be related to our last date but that could just be me. Either way, if she needs space I'll give it to her. Any clues? Thank you

[coolheadal]

Hello everyone.

 

 

I'll preface this by saying that I know the only person that really knows what's going on is her but I was hoping someone might be able to give me some clues. She does have some depression issues.

 

I met this girl a couple of weeks ago. We typically send each other a few messages everyday just seeing how the other's day is going or if we find some new music the other might like. She has told me a few times that she really likes me.

 

We went out on our second date over the weekend. Everything went well. She talks about how comfortable she is with me. We went to part ways and she says she had fun. Then hugs and kisses me. Naturally I'm thinking things are going well.

 

I get home and within half an hour she texts me and apologizes that she looked ugly that night. I told her that I didn't think that was the case at all. I go to bed and wake up the next morning text her good morning and went on my way to work. I never got a text back.

 

Later that evening,I text her again and ask if she's doing ok. She says sometimes she just needs a break from talking to people. I proceed to ask if something had happened because she seemed ok the day before. She proceeds to say she kissed me because she felt like I wanted to and she didn't want to disappoint me. (Which as unyielding as she is,I can't really imagine that being the case.) I told her that I never want her to do something in fear of disappointing me and left it alone. I made a mental note to just give her space. Same night after this discussion she texts me later to say good night about an hour earlier than she goes to bed.

 

She texts me this morning and says good morning. I say the same back and nothing since.

 

Now it all seems to be a little too coincidental to not be related to our last date but that could just be me. Either way, if she needs space I'll give it to her. Any clues? Thank you

 

You two just met, so give it time with her? If not move on to another woman. She has issues with self being. Calling herself ugly where she is not and just doesn't cope so well. Best you learn about this mental behavior now before it gets to involve.

[Mrin]

Just my guess here but by making the first move by kissing you she felt like she went out in a limb. Most women hate doing that. Her text to you about looking ugly probably was about that - a story she made up that if she had looked prettier you would have made the first move. You were right to give her a bit of space when she asked for it.

 

My only suggestion is that you up your game in the communication department so she feels desired and pursued by you. Like take your texts this morning. She made the first text. You replied. You probably should have wished her a good morning and then asked how she slept.

 

Don't be smothering but make sure she feels desired by you. Perhaps a call out of the blue is in order later today just to hear the sound of her voice. If she doesn't pick up, leave a voicemail saying that you were just thinking about her and wanted to hear her voice.

[Sallos]

Just my guess here but by making the first move by kissing you she felt like she went out in a limb. Most women hate doing that. Her text to you about looking ugly probably was about that - a story she made up that if she had looked prettier you would have made the first move. You were right to give her a bit of space when she asked for it.

 

My only suggestion is that you up your game in the communication department so she feels desired and pursued by you. Like take your texts this morning. She made the first text. You replied. You probably should have wished her a good morning and then asked how she slept.

 

Don't be smothering but make sure she feels desired by you. Perhaps a call out of the blue is in order later today just to hear the sound of her voice. If she doesn't pick up, leave a voicemail saying that you were just thinking about her and wanted to hear her voice.

 

 

Thank you for the reply. I might should have noted that after our first date I was the one who let her know that I wanted to see her again and the first to mention that I liked her. I've tried to do what I can to let her know I'm interested without being over the top. On a typical day, I do text her good morning first. I just didn't today because she said she wanted space. I'm working from home today but later this evening I can definitely give her a quick call if it'll help.

 

 

 

I was actually going to make the first move that day and kiss her she just beat me to it. I've been trying to be cautious when moving with her because she was sexually assaulted a couple months ago and I don't want to seem like one of those types of guys.

[Mrin]

Okay the sexual assault is really good info to know. You are going about this exact right way then. Make sure she feels desired and pursued by you but taking it slowly from a physical standpoint and being understanding that she is still processing a **** ton of stuff is key.

[Sallos]

Okay the sexual assault is really good info to know. You are going about this exact right way then. Make sure she feels desired and pursued by you but taking it slowly from a physical standpoint and being understanding that she is still processing a **** ton of stuff is key.

 

 

We've talked about it at length and she says she already feels as if I'm different than others. Which understandably having these fears come up at any given time is a real possibility. I can text her periodically to let her know that I'm thinking of her but if she's wanting space it's hard to say if she'll ever come back around or not. I also worry that by shooting her a text or phone call is going to push her further away. She knows that I'm not a person that likes things to fester and just for an issue to be out in the open so it can be talked about and worked through.

[PRW]

I met this girl a couple of weeks ago. We typically send each other a few messages everyday just seeing how the other's day is going or if we find some new music the other might like. She has told me a few times that she really likes me.

 

Way too much chit-chat via texting. No one really ever cares about how someones "day is going". If something happened during the day that was important they would tell you about it, they don't sit around thinking "I sure hope he asks me later how my day is going so I have a chance to tell him X,Y,Z. Women will become bored or burnt out with you if you keep this up.

 

I get home and within half an hour she texts me and apologizes that she looked ugly that night. I told her that I didn't think that was the case at all.

If that is all you said then that is fine.

 

I go to bed and wake up the next morning text her good morning and went on my way to work. I never got a text back.

Knock off the "good morning" texting crap. If she does it to you give a brief response,...but you need to stop doing that yourself.

 

Later that evening,I text her again and ask if she's doing ok. She says sometimes she just needs a break from talking to people. I proceed to ask if something had happened because she seemed ok the day before.

Same as I said at the beginning. If she wasn't "ok" and thought you should know she would have told you,...or called an ambulance. This is the kind of pointless, meaningless, and tedious texting that will drive her away. You only went on two dates,...you are not boyfriend/girlfriend. She said she needed a break from talking to people,...and what did you do?,...try to get her to "talk about it"?!?. This is very clingy behavor and you will get friendzoned. It will be something like, "You're such a great guy! I really like you and I know you care and I can rely on you to be there,...but I just don't know for sure what I want right now and am still not quite over my last breakup. I just need a little time, so for now I think we should just be friends"

 

I told her that I never want her to do something in fear of disappointing me and left it alone.

Never apologize like this. It is weak. Besides she kissed you,...just roll with it.

 

She texts me this morning and says good morning. I say the same back and nothing since.

When she does this, give a brief response and leave it alone. Don't use it to start up some long conversation. She will stop sending these texts soon,...and she should. This is not a pattern of behavor that would ever be maintained long term,...and it is better if she is the one that slows and stops doing it rather than you (and you should let it happen and not go into some kind of panic over it).

 

The phone is for setting dates. It is not for visiting and getting to know someone. Whenever she contacts you (but I probably wouldn't count the "good morning" texts) use that as the next opportunity to set another date. Dates must be your idea, your plan, and must be a specific day/time/place. Show that you can be a leader and a planner,...not a follower.

[PRW]

I can text her periodically to let her know that I'm thinking of her but if she's wanting space it's hard to say if she'll ever come back around or not. I also worry that by shooting her a text or phone call is going to push her further away.

 

You will absolutely push her away,...no doubt about it. Even now it may be too late.

 

She knows that I'm not a person that likes things to fester and just for an issue to be out in the open so it can be talked about and worked through.

Let it fester and quit picking at the scab. Not all issues need to be "out in the open",...in fact a lot of so-called issues should not be be acknowledged or seen as an issue in the first place. Drama, drama, drama, drama.

[Sallos]

Way too much chit-chat via texting. No one really ever cares about how someones "day is going". If something happened during the day that was important they would tell you about it, they don't sit around thinking "I sure hope he asks me later how my day is going so I have a chance to tell him X,Y,Z. Women will become bored or burnt out with you if you keep this up.

 

If that is all you said then that is fine.

 

Knock off the "good morning" texting crap. If she does it to you give a brief response,...but you need to stop doing that yourself.

 

Same as I said at the beginning. If she wasn't "ok" and thought you should know she would have told you,...or called an ambulance. This is the kind of pointless, meaningless, and tedious texting that will drive her away. You only went on two dates,...you are not boyfriend/girlfriend. She said she needed a break from talking to people,...and what did you do?,...try to get her to "talk about it"?!?. This is very clingy behavor and you will get friendzoned. It will be something like, "You're such a great guy! I really like you and I know you care and I can rely on you to be there,...but I just don't know for sure what I want right now and am still not quite over my last breakup. I just need a little time, so for now I think we should just be friends"

 

Never apologize like this. It is weak. Besides she kissed you,...just roll with it.

 

When she does this, give a brief response and leave it alone. Don't use it to start up some long conversation. She will stop sending these texts soon,...and she should. This is not a pattern of behavor that would ever be maintained long term,...and it is better if she is the one that slows and stops doing it rather than you (and you should let it happen and not go into some kind of panic over it).

 

The phone is for setting dates. It is not for visiting and getting to know someone. Whenever she contacts you (but I probably wouldn't count the "good morning" texts) use that as the next opportunity to set another date. Dates must be your idea, your plan, and must be a specific day/time/place. Show that you can be a leader and a planner,...not a follower.

 

 

Thank you for your response but I'm rather rather confused by your logic. I can understand as far getting them to think about you. I may be alone in this but I care how someone's day is going. We only send a handful of texts back and forth so not really sure how that's too much. How do you arrive at this conclusion,if I may ask?

 

 

I say good morning because she asked me too. She asked me to text her so it doesn't feel so one sided. Usually that's the way I am. I let them reach out to me. She's of this thinking that if a person is truly interested in her they will reach out to her. I have a hard time arguing that logic being that attraction is a two way street. She's not the type who wants to be lead. She wants to be treated as an equal. Which I can respect.

 

 

 

At the time I talked to her I had no idea that she was needing a break from talking to people. It was only from talking to her that I learned she was needing space. Otherwise I would be sitting here going "wtf?"

 

 

 

This morning when she text me and said good morning. I replied and haven't said anything since. I didn't attempt to have a conversation. Simply went about my day. She had told me she wanted space and I'm trying to do respect that.

 

 

 

I'm the one who does set the dates and let's her know what we're doing that night. I tend to disagree though about it only being for setting dates. If I can have a friendly conversation with someone then why not do so?

[Sallos]

You will absolutely push her away,...no doubt about it. Even now it may be too late.

 

Let it fester and quit picking at the scab. Not all issues need to be "out in the open",...in fact a lot of so-called issues should not be be acknowledged or seen as an issue in the first place. Drama, drama, drama, drama.

 

 

That sounds like a recipe for disaster. I'm of the mindset that small problems can become big problems. Everything is give and take.

[coolheadal]

Why doesn't the OP call the girl up on the cell phone. Too much text message yes but I guess this early relationship will be about texting. She has some social issues about her looks and doesn't show much confidence in herself. OP it's up to him to decide what to do with her. After 3 months of dating and knowing her you should really see her true colors.

[d0nnivain]

The assault messed with her head more then she understands. She probably does have days when she can't handle people. She kissed you to assert some control & not be a victim. I think you can't apply regular rules & presumptions to her because the hurt is too fresh. Is she in therapy over what happened? If she won't deal with it, you can't.

[Sallos]

Why doesn't the OP call the girl up on the cell phone. Too much text message yes but I guess this early relationship will be about texting. She has some social issues about her looks and doesn't show much confidence in herself. OP it's up to him to decide what to do with her. After 3 months of dating and knowing her you should really see her true colors.

 

 

If she doesn't want to talk to people right now it probably wouldn't do a lot of good to call her up. She is very insecure about her looks,people not understanding her,her home life,she feels like a failure in life etc. She has a lot of different insecurities that to most probably wouldn't matter too much to most but do to her.

[d0nnivain]

You do understand that you can't fix what ails her, right?

[Sallos]

The assault messed with her head more then she understands. She probably does have days when she can't handle people. She kissed you to assert some control & not be a victim. I think you can't apply regular rules & presumptions to her because the hurt is too fresh. Is she in therapy over what happened? If she won't deal with it, you can't.

 

 

Absolutely. She very much feels like she has no control over her life in general. The things that she can control she's very particular about. She was in therapy actually. The therapist she was seeing, she didn't feel like he was listening to her so she quit going. During our conversations about the assault and other issues she's had I gave her the number to a really good place to get some information from that would help her out with finding a good therapist,support groups,etc. However,I'm not sure she ever called. She doesn't feel there is any help for her. I volunteer for one of the suicide prevention programs in my local area so fortunate to have numbers to some of these places.

[Sallos]

You do understand that you can't fix what ails her, right?

 

 

Of course. I can though listen to what she has to say and try to direct her to places to get help.

[d0nnivain]

Until she's ready to help herself there is not much you can do here. It's obvious that you are patient & being sensitive but you need to be her BF not her therapist.

[PRW]

I may be alone in this but I care how someone's day is going.

You can deny it if you wish. but this kind of contact is just an excuse to say "Hi, here I am, are you thinking of me? Remember me?". It is just seeking validation to cover insecurity. You will simply "wear out" someone with this. You can get away with it at the beginning because you are the latest "new thing" to them,...but it won't last. Later on they will start to feel you are being a nuisance.

 

How do you arrive at this conclusion,if I may ask?

It is common knowledge. But if you want to read something on it get Corey Wayne's book, "How to be a 3% Man". It is short and cheap. He also has a YouTube channel if you want to binge watch some of his videos. If you do that focus on the ones surrounding the subject of "over pursuing".

 

She's not the type who wants to be lead. She wants to be treated as an equal. Which I can respect.

Yea, good luck with that. You'll find out that I am right one way or another, either voluntarily or involuntarily.

 

At the time I talked to her I had no idea that she was needing a break from talking to people.

No. she actually said in the text that she needed a break from talking to people and your response was to ask her to talk about it.

 

I'm the one who does set the dates and let's her know what we're doing that night. I tend to disagree though about it only being for setting dates. If I can have a friendly conversation with someone then why not do so?

If she texts you, never ignore her. Respond, be friendly, pleasant, nice, etc. But don't turn them into big conversations. Be on your game well enough to know that her contacting you is your que to make the next date,...so make the next date and save all the chit-chat for the date so you have plenty to talk about and don't end up with awkward silences on the date because you have nothing left to talk about without repeating yourself.

 

These text conversations and these "touching base" texts aren't friendly meaningful conversations that are so important that they can't wait till you are on the date in person. These are just taps on the shoulder for the purpose of "Hey remember me? Do you still like me? You haven't forgot about me yet have you? I hope there are no other guy in the picture,...right?" No obviously you are using these words and saying this things directly. but this is the psychological motivation that drives it.

[PRW]

That sounds like a recipe for disaster. I'm of the mindset that small problems can become big problems. Everything is give and take.

 

No it is not "give and take". Relationships are not a business transaction. If you think that then you don't understand the difference between how men function an how women function. When I said "let it fester" I am simply playing off of the quoted words used.

 

"Talking about" and issue, particularly small petty issues or so-called issues brought to light by an off-hand comment from her,...especially when it was during her making an excuse for something she recently did,...is what turns the small issues into a big issues (aka "picking the scab"). You have meaningful talks about the big issues and you deal with them. But the small stuff she only wants you to listen and understand how she FEELS,...she doesn't want you jumping in with wrenches and screw drivers trying to "fix" whatever it is. If you react that way it is a matter of time before you hear her complaining that you "never listen to her". Which will blow your mind because you thought that was exactly what you were doing.

 

Another example of men missing the point goes like this. You are in a argument and she says, "This is like last year when you did <blah> <blah> <blah>". Then the guy responds with "Why do you keep bringing up the past!! I though we put that behind us?!?! Why can't you let the past be the past?!?! Then she responds with "You never listen to me!!" The guy then gets so dizzy and confused by that he practically falls down and can't walk straight. Guys are usually clueless on this one. What she is really doing is describing an emotion. She is saying that the way he made her FEEL back then is the way she is FEELING right now,...it has nothing to do with bringing up the past. So from her perspective, because the guy responded as he did means he doesn't get what she is trying to say and therefore she is correct when she says that he "Doesn't listen to her".

Edited October 3, 2018 by PRW

[PRW]

I'll preface this by saying that I know the only person that really knows what's going on is her

 

Never assume that.

 

Women write just as many questions to these forums with all the confusion they are experiencing as well. Most dating situations today are often two people trying to piece something together when neither one knows what the heck they are doing.

[Sallos]

You can deny it if you wish. but this kind of contact is just an excuse to say "Hi, here I am, are you thinking of me? Remember me?". It is just seeking validation to cover insecurity. You will simply "wear out" someone with this. You can get away with it at the beginning because you are the latest "new thing" to them,...but it won't last. Later on they will start to feel you are being a nuisance.

 

It is common knowledge. But if you want to read something on it get Corey Wayne's book, "How to be a 3% Man". It is short and cheap. He also has a YouTube channel if you want to binge watch some of his videos. If you do that focus on the ones surrounding the subject of "over pursuing".

 

Yea, good luck with that. You'll find out that I am right one way or another, either voluntarily or involuntarily.

 

No. she actually said in the text that she needed a break from talking to people and your response was to ask her to talk about it.

 

If she texts you, never ignore her. Respond, be friendly, pleasant, nice, etc. But don't turn them into big conversations. Be on your game well enough to know that her contacting you is your que to make the next date,...so make the next date and save all the chit-chat for the date so you have plenty to talk about and don't end up with awkward silences on the date because you have nothing left to talk about without repeating yourself.

 

These text conversations and these "touching base" texts aren't friendly meaningful conversations that are so important that they can't wait till you are on the date in person. These are just taps on the shoulder for the purpose of "Hey remember me? Do you still like me? You haven't forgot about me yet have you? I hope there are no other guy in the picture,...right?" No obviously you are using these words and saying this things directly. but this is the psychological motivation that drives it.

 

 

I can honestly see where you are coming from. I can only speak for me as an individual. Which the "how's your day going?" texts go both ways.

 

 

 

Surprisingly,I didn't text her at all today and she literally just text me as I'm posting telling me she just got off work. Does this same principle apply when she is of the mindset of "if they care they won't forget me"? Which I am keeping my responses to her light and friendly. Essentially,you're talking about going no-contact unless she contacts,correct?

 

 

 

Again. No I asked why she was quiet. Then she proceeded to tell me about needing space and everything. At that point I dropped it.

[Sallos]

So she did text me last night. She text me first. Might have been the wrong time to try to make the date.

 

Her: I just got off work. I had to work late.

Me: That's never fun. Urgent issues?

Her: Sort of. Had to work late last night and probably again tomorrow.

Me:Wow. Hopefully, you'll be off call soon and it'll slack off

Her: I hope so

 

*Let a few minutes pass*

 

Me: I'd like to see you again. What day are you available?"

 

No response.

[fromheart]

She needs therapy and is not relationship material.

 

telling you that she kissed you because she felt like you wanted it, and not because she also wanted it, is a huge red flag.

 

Don't try and solve these people, move on from them.

[PRW]

Essentially,you're talking about going no-contact unless she contacts,correct?

 

 

First, I don't believe in "no-contact" as a "noun".

 

 

If she contacts you,...respond

 

 

If you have a valid meaningful reason to contact her then do it.

 

 

It is the validation-seeking meaningless idle chit-chat such as "how did your day go" stuff that I saying to stay away from

[PRW]

*Let a few minutes pass*

 

Me: I'd like to see you again. What day are you available?"

 

No response.

 

Be quicker and more decisive. Don't linger first.

 

Present it as giving her an opportunity to spend time with you rather than the other way around as you did here.

 

Exact day/place/time. If she is going to reject it then give her something specific to reject.