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Dating situation hard to read!


AussieGuy2018

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Hi all,

 

Hoping to receive some advice about a dating situation, that I am finding it incredibly hard to read?! Meet this girl off Bumble, chatted for a few days and then asked if she wanted to catch up for a drink over the weekend. She said yes and Sunday would suit, I’ll message you in the morning to organise. I had asked her on Thursday. Never heard from her over the next few days and didn’t think she’d message...then Sunday morning she asked if I was still Keen, so she kept to her word.

 

We caught up and spent 2.5 hours chatting and talking about likes and dislikes, she said a few things about how our food tastes were a little different and how we could get around that to have dinner and her body language etc was of someone that was interested in having a second date. The date finished a bit awkwardly at her car, which was okay I guess.

 

After drinks I sent her a message on bumble saying it was great to meet etc here’s my number if you’d like to keep talking. She text me 10mins later saying she really enjoyed chatting to me and to have a good Monday. I text her Monday night to see if she had a good day etc etc...she replied 3 hours later saying she was at dinner, we exchanged a few texts and I said when I get back from my work trip this week we should catch up for dinner...no reply and it’s been 12 hours since.

 

I’m just finding this really hard to read...she told me when we were having drinks about how busy she is etc, just find it strange that we got along really well, then asked about a second date and silence. When we chatted on bumble, she only replied at night, so she might not be a good/big texter.

 

Thoughts? Worth pursuing or just leave it for her to reply?

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Hi all,

 

Hoping to receive some advice about a dating situation, that I am finding it incredibly hard to read?! Meet this girl off Bumble, chatted for a few days and then asked if she wanted to catch up for a drink over the weekend. She said yes and Sunday would suit, I’ll message you in the morning to organise. I had asked her on Thursday. Never heard from her over the next few days and didn’t think she’d message...then Sunday morning she asked if I was still Keen, so she kept to her word.

 

We caught up and spent 2.5 hours chatting and talking about likes and dislikes, she said a few things about how our food tastes were a little different and how we could get around that to have dinner and her body language etc was of someone that was interested in having a second date. The date finished a bit awkwardly at her car, which was okay I guess.

 

After drinks I sent her a message on bumble saying it was great to meet etc here’s my number if you’d like to keep talking. She text me 10mins later saying she really enjoyed chatting to me and to have a good Monday. I text her Monday night to see if she had a good day etc etc...she replied 3 hours later saying she was at dinner, we exchanged a few texts and I said when I get back from my work trip this week we should catch up for dinner...no reply and it’s been 12 hours since.

 

I’m just finding this really hard to read...she told me when we were having drinks about how busy she is etc, just find it strange that we got along really well, then asked about a second date and silence. When we chatted on bumble, she only replied at night, so she might not be a good/big texter.

 

Thoughts? Worth pursuing or just leave it for her to reply?

 

I think she is interested but playing it cool. Don't text her everyday or she will lose interest. She doesn't seem like a text all the time girl but she did respond. Wait at least one day between. When do you get back from your trip? I would say wait a day or two (probably two if you have texted her too much) and try to solidify a date. Once you have the date, don't text till the day of the date to confirm. If she declines, you have your answer too.

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I think she is interested but playing it cool. Don't text her everyday or she will lose interest. She doesn't seem like a text all the time girl but she did respond. Wait at least one day between. When do you get back from your trip? I would say wait a day or two (probably two if you have texted her too much) and try to solidify a date. Once you have the date, don't text till the day of the date to confirm. If she declines, you have your answer too.

 

Thanks RedHead!

 

She did mention that she doesn’t play games and if she isn’t interested in someone she usually tells them. But this is kind of a game when you ask for a second date and get no reply...I find it frustrating because I don’t play these games. I was contemplating to text her or not last night and thought I’d be nice and do it, probably an error in hindsight. She also mentioned that when someone she likes texts or calls she finds it nice, so that’s why I did...will just have to see how it plays out. I get back from my trip Saturday.

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It didn't sound like you actually asked her out to me. Did you suggest a specific date or time? If you worded it the same to her as you did in your original post, you didn't actually ask her out. I could have easily taken that as an end to a conversation. With an open ended hey we should get together sometime.

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After drinks I sent her a message on bumble saying it was great to meet etc here’s my number if you’d like to keep talking. She text me 10mins later saying she really enjoyed chatting to me and to have a good Monday. I text her Monday night to see if she had a good day etc etc...she replied 3 hours later saying she was at dinner, we exchanged a few texts and I said when I get back from my work trip this week we should

 

You're being too needy here ...

 

But let's step back. She said she would get together on Sunday and it sounds like you had a panic because she didn't babysit you on Friday and Saturday ... and instead, she called to confirm on Sunday.

 

We've had a debate on this board ... but in my view if someone says to me on Thursday that they're going to go out with me on Sunday then I assume they will go out with me on Sunday and we don't have to hold hands on Friday or Saturday. If we have details/location to work out, then yes, we will communicate. If we've set a time and a specific place, then no, I'm gonna show up and assume she'll show up. I schedule meetups two to three weeks out sometimes with coworkers and friends ... and we may or may not send a confirmation.

 

Anyway, so how did things end of the date at the car? I am assuming you didn't kiss her ... and that you didn't get a clear sense that she was romantically interested. (Actually, I'm getting a sense that you were desperate. I'm not getting a clear sense that YOU were romantically interested. I'll come back to this later.)

 

You want to gauge a person's interest at the end of a first date? What did she say? Did she say she had a good time? Did she say she wanted to get together again? Did she seem enthusiastic. Let's deal with that first ...

 

Tell us exactly what happened as you said goodbye! That's the key to the next steps. And tell us: did YOU want to go out with her again?

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It didn't sound like you actually asked her out to me. Did you suggest a specific date or time? If you worded it the same to her as you did in your original post, you didn't actually ask her out. I could have easily taken that as an end to a conversation. With an open ended hey we should get together sometime.

 

So the way I asked was "We'll have catch up next week after I get back if you're interested and we can check out one of the restaurants we spoke about"

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You're being too needy here ...

 

But let's step back. She said she would get together on Sunday and it sounds like you had a panic because she didn't babysit you on Friday and Saturday ... and instead, she called to confirm on Sunday.

 

We've had a debate on this board ... but in my view if someone says to me on Thursday that they're going to go out with me on Sunday then I assume they will go out with me on Sunday and we don't have to hold hands on Friday or Saturday. If we have details/location to work out, then yes, we will communicate. If we've set a time and a specific place, then no, I'm gonna show up and assume she'll show up. I schedule meetups two to three weeks out sometimes with coworkers and friends ... and we may or may not send a confirmation.

 

Anyway, so how did things end of the date at the car? I am assuming you didn't kiss her ... and that you didn't get a clear sense that she was romantically interested. (Actually, I'm getting a sense that you were desperate. I'm not getting a clear sense that YOU were romantically interested. I'll come back to this later.)

 

You want to gauge a person's interest at the end of a first date? What did she say? Did she say she had a good time? Did she say she wanted to get together again? Did she seem enthusiastic. Let's deal with that first ...

 

Tell us exactly what happened as you said goodbye! That's the key to the next steps. And tell us: did YOU want to go out with her again?

 

 

Hi Lotsgoingon, thanks for replying...

 

I didn't have a panic, I didn't expect to hear from her and I was surprised she did text Sunday morning asking if I was still keen and we worked on a time and place then.

 

We were chatting at the car for a little bit and then I kissed her on the check and she said hope you have a great Monday. I text her on Bumble an hour later asking if she got home okay, I had a great time chatting with you and here is my number if you're interested in getting to know each other more and then made a reference to a joke we had during drinks. She replied to my mobile number and said "I really enjoyed chatting to you too, made a reference to the joke and hoped the rest of my sunday night went well".

 

I had a feeling she was interested by her body language and conversation during drinks. Eg: I don't drink coffee and she loves it...she mentioned that would you bring me coffee in the morning even though you don't like it and she also said "i am trying to think how we manage our differences in fav foods and how it can work"...so I feel there were 'hints' that she was enjoying our conversation.

 

I ended the drinks after about 2.5 hours and said "shall we get going" because I had some work to prepare, which she knew about, but I think she wasn't expecting to end at that point. Same thing about the conversation at the car.

 

I DO want to see her again so that is why I am struggling to read the situation...when I text her the next day to see how her day was, she was really nice and asked me a couple of questions and then I asked about catching up when I return from my work trip and then no reply. I am leaning towards her not being a big texter...but I am not sure how to play it now.

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I enjoyed chatting, she said.

 

That's pretty weak. Usually people will be a lot stronger than that if they had a great time. As in ... I had a great time ... as in we should do this again.

 

I wouldn't ascribe much meaning to her talk of different eating habits and whether you would have coffee ready for her.

 

I asked about that goodbye because usually that's where the deal is sealed. Either you both express and interest in getting together again--with enthusiasm--or you don't.

 

Texting someone the next day to "see how she was" ... not sure about that one. You want to advance things. ... I'm still laughing about X subject from last night .... or you set up another meeting ... or she say how you're still thinking about X element or X thing she said. This is making clear your interest in her and advancing things.

 

So I would ask her out for a specific date and then LEAVE HER ALONE. Let her come to you ... after you ask ... no checking in on how she's doing and all that. The fact is you don't care how she's doing. You care if she wants to go on another date with you ... So you don't need to waist time.

 

Once you're dating someone, then you check on how they are doing.

 

So ask her out ... no checkins ... as her out for a specific date and time and place ... If she's unavailable or difficultly available, then you have your answer that she's not interested in romance.

 

My gut says she's not very interested. And not because of anything you did wrong ...

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I enjoyed chatting, she said.

 

That's pretty weak. Usually people will be a lot stronger than that if they had a great time. As in ... I had a great time ... as in we should do this again.

 

I wouldn't ascribe much meaning to her talk of different eating habits and whether you would have coffee ready for her.

 

I asked about that goodbye because usually that's where the deal is sealed. Either you both express and interest in getting together again--with enthusiasm--or you don't.

 

Texting someone the next day to "see how she was" ... not sure about that one. You want to advance things. ... I'm still laughing about X subject from last night .... or you set up another meeting ... or she say how you're still thinking about X element or X thing she said. This is making clear your interest in her and advancing things.

 

So I would ask her out for a specific date and then LEAVE HER ALONE. Let her come to you ... after you ask ... no checking in on how she's doing and all that. The fact is you don't care how she's doing. You care if she wants to go on another date with you ... So you don't need to waist time.

 

Once you're dating someone, then you check on how they are doing.

 

So ask her out ... no checkins ... as her out for a specific date and time and place ... If she's unavailable or difficultly available, then you have your answer that she's not interested in romance.

 

My gut says she's not very interested. And not because of anything you did wrong ...

 

I probably made the mistake of texting too quickly and again the next night to see how her day was...live and learn, but I have also had girls say I act uninterested...gotta find that middle ground haha!

 

Also you can tell on a date when someone isn't interested...she was leaning forward on the table, had eye contact the whole time, conversation back and forward, a few laughs...definitely was an easy date...that why I was confused when no reply to a second date. Even when we text she replies within minutes...I will leave it a few days and then when I get back from work trip, I'll text and ask her out to a certain restaurant on a certain night and see what happens.

 

Cheers!

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OP, if we ladies are interested in a guy, him texting us after the date and a nice message the next day are not going to put us off. Don't stress that bit too much.

 

As you've already planned, I would leave it for now and give her a call when you return from your trip. Her response will tell you what you need to know.

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OP, if we ladies are interested in a guy, him texting us after the date and a nice message the next day are not going to put us off. Don't stress that bit too much.

 

As you've already planned, I would leave it for now and give her a call when you return from your trip. Her response will tell you what you need to know.

 

Thanks Expat!

 

Her response was quick after the date and her tone etc in messages was really nice and interested...so we'll see what happens. Not confident now so I'll just wait and see

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@Lotsgoingon your advice sounds like game playing.

 

Op, you don't have to overthink this. You know you're thinking too much when you're worried about texting too quickly and bla bla bla. When you meet the right girl you won't have to play games, it will all just flow.

 

If you ask me, all you have to do is listen and be thoughtful. I started dating the man i am with simply because he was thoughtful. The little things are important. I keep saying this. She told you she likes coffee. If she turns out to be interested and you go on a second date with her, bring her coffee. Little things like that go a long way. Best of luck.

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So update...she replied around 20 hours since i text her...she asked how my day was and if I was ready for my work trip and said dinner sounds great, she is available Wednesday or Thursday night. I haven’t replied yet as I didn’t want to come across as too keen like I was waiting for her reply, but will lock in a date :)

 

I think we get in our own way a little bit and overanalyse everything, I think she’s just not a big texter? Anyways hopefully a good dinner coming up.

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@Lotsgoingon your advice sounds like game playing.

 

Op, you don't have to overthink this. You know you're thinking too much when you're worried about texting too quickly and bla bla bla. When you meet the right girl you won't have to play games, it will all just flow.

 

If you ask me, all you have to do is listen and be thoughtful. I started dating the man i am with simply because he was thoughtful. The little things are important. I keep saying this. She told you she likes coffee. If she turns out to be interested and you go on a second date with her, bring her coffee. Little things like that go a long way. Best of luck.

 

Thanks for the advice, I agree with everything you’ve said. When it’s he right person dating/texting everything should be easier and feel normal, without the thought of games.

I won’t be able to take her coffee to a dinner date, but I’ll suggest the restaurant she talked about that she hasn’t been to yet.

 

Cheers!

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Lol, you're still overanalyzing by waiting to reply because you don't want to appear too keen.

 

Don't play too many games or you might ruin this. Glad she replied.

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If you can't bring her coffee, no worries. Find another way to be thoughtful. A girl might not be crazy about you in the beginning but if you LISTEN and are thoughtful, you'd be surprised how far you'll get.

 

A lot of men listen and sometimes they are thoughtful but they are not CONSISTENT. Insist on paying the bills on the first few dates. If you like her a lot, listen very carefully to what she says. Do nice things she wouldn't expect. She'll think you're a freaking unicorn. A lot of men are quite lazy in dating and want things to come easy for them. You want to treat her better than any other man she's dated in the past. If you ask me, this is how you win a grown mature woman's heart. You don't win it by playing games.

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Lol, you're still overanalyzing by waiting to reply because you don't want to appear too keen.

 

Don't play too many games or you might ruin this. Glad she replied.

 

She replied at 8pm and I didn’t see it until 9.30pm...night time in Australia haha, so I will reply in the morning.

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Hi all,

 

Hoping to receive some advice about a dating situation, that I am finding it incredibly hard to read?! Meet this girl off Bumble, chatted for a few days and then asked if she wanted to catch up for a drink over the weekend. She said yes and Sunday would suit, I’ll message you in the morning to organise. I had asked her on Thursday. Never heard from her over the next few days and didn’t think she’d message...then Sunday morning she asked if I was still Keen, so she kept to her word.

 

We caught up and spent 2.5 hours chatting and talking about likes and dislikes, she said a few things about how our food tastes were a little different and how we could get around that to have dinner and her body language etc was of someone that was interested in having a second date. The date finished a bit awkwardly at her car, which was okay I guess.

 

After drinks I sent her a message on bumble saying it was great to meet etc here’s my number if you’d like to keep talking. She text me 10mins later saying she really enjoyed chatting to me and to have a good Monday. I text her Monday night to see if she had a good day etc etc...she replied 3 hours later saying she was at dinner, we exchanged a few texts and I said when I get back from my work trip this week we should catch up for dinner...no reply and it’s been 12 hours since.

 

I’m just finding this really hard to read...she told me when we were having drinks about how busy she is etc, just find it strange that we got along really well, then asked about a second date and silence. When we chatted on bumble, she only replied at night, so she might not be a good/big texter.

 

Thoughts? Worth pursuing or just leave it for her to reply?

 

Hmmm? This one lasted 2.5 hrs so she was interested. Remember you are both strangers it takes time to get to know each other. Another thing you could have done with her, was to take her to arcade for fun park. Shoot some hoops do some bumper cars, do some air honey like things together and see if she smiles and laughs with you. I am sure having some extra fun with her won't hurt.

 

On yes one text saying you had were interested in taking her out again next weekend. Something like that you could have said. While you were walking her back to her car. Make the effort your leader you make the plans not her. One messages saying hi and leave it as that. Wake for her to get back to you doesn't matter how long it takes to get the reply back today. She's busy working.

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I'm just going to point out areas where you screwed up or could at least do better. As far as how she is acting, she is acting exactly as I would expect her to act at this point in the timeline.

 

chatted for a few days and then asked if she wanted to catch up for a drink over the weekend. She said yes and Sunday would suit, I’ll message you in the morning to organise.

Few days? Too long, too indecisive. "Catching up" is not "a date", it sounds like you are afraid to call it a date. Offer a date, don't ask for one. It is a frame of mind. You are offering her an opportunity to spend time with you,...not asking her to let you spend time with her. You need to offer a specific day/time/place. She'll make a counter offer if it doesn't fit her schedule.

 

I had asked her on Thursday. Never heard from her over the next few days and didn’t think she’d message...

Very good. It shows she does not need constant validation by expecting you to contact her every day between making the date and showing up.

 

The date finished a bit awkwardly at her car, which was okay I guess.
It happens. It could be she was expecting you to make a little move and kiss her, but you didn't. Or it could mean she didn't want you to and was worried that you would try. Really hard to guess that one.

 

After drinks I sent her a message on bumble saying it was great to meet etc here’s my number if you’d like to keep talking.
You just get the number that is all. Don't "explain it". That makes it sound like you are apologizing for asking for it. Just get the number and call it "good". Don't say things like "if you'd like to blah blah" and don't tell her why you want it,...it is kind of a no-brainer and trying to explain why you asked for it makes you look timid.

 

I text her Monday night to see if she had a good day etc etc...she replied 3 hours later saying she was at dinner,
Bad! If she didn't fall out her apartment window of get run over by a car,...her day was fine. This makes it look like you need validation that she hasn't "forgot" about you and makes it clear you don't have any other options in your life (which you should have other options, or at least act like you do). Women want a guy with leadership, not a puppy dog that follows them home hoping he will be let in the house. Why do you think she took 3 hours to reply?....that's why.

 

we exchanged a few texts and I said when I get back from my work trip this week we should catch up for dinner...no reply and it’s been 12 hours since.
You fired the shot but completely missed the target,...but at least you took the shot. Saying "...we should catch up", says a couple things, both of them bad. It says you are still afraid to call a date a date. Then you failed to make a specific date/time/place. 12 hours doesn't amount to squat, she is not your girlfriend and you are not her boyfriend,...you only had a "first date",...nothing more. She could easily take a few days to reply, or she may not reply at all since you really didn't give her anything to reply too,...do you expect her to ask you out and make the date plans for you? Be a leader, not a lost puppy. When you get back from the trip, offer her a date at a specific time/day/place about a week out from when you contact her. If you don't make it a week out you will probably be told that she has plans on that day. It is also considered rude to hit someone with a date offer that doesn't have enough lead time for them to plan for it.

 

I’m just finding this really hard to read...

With experience it is textbook, not too hard to read.

 

then asked about a second date and silence.
Never ever bring up the idea of the next date while still on the current date. Then, also you "asked about" a date,...you didn't offer a date on a specific day/time/place. It comes across as if you are saying "Please, please let me spend time with you, please, pretty please". Don't beg,...make offers. You have to view it as it being to her benefit for her to come spend time with you,...if she doesn't someone else will (Now, I don't mean tell her that,...it is just a frame of mind you need to have).

 

When we chatted on bumble, she only replied at night, so she might not be a good/big texter.
First, get off Bumble with her and text her. She has a life, she is on Bumble so you probably aren't the only guy and you should not expect to be (nor should she be your only option). She is not going to be all caught up in contacting you, and worried about where you are at and what you are doing. She is not your girlfriend, you are not her boyfriend.

 

Contact her once a week and make a specific date/time/place. Do not pester her with texts or calls between the dates until you are exclusive (if you get that far). Whatever you have to "talk" about can wait till the date. If you do things correctly she should start reaching out to you on her own between the dates. When/if she does that you treat it as your que to make the next specific date, so the number of dates may increase at this point. Never bring up the exclusivity conversation, ever!!,...that is her job and she will do it when she is ready. You should be seeing other options until you become exclusive,...she probably already is herself.

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PRW hits the main points here.

 

Texting someone the day after is fine with me.

 

But advance things. Say something genuine ... or interesting ... follow up on something the person said on the date ... express a feeling. Let's say the date mentioned and upcoming important meeting. Wish her well with that!

 

But asking about her day ... that's what more along the lines of acting needy. Because one date out, you really aren't close enough for a real answer to that question.

 

And let's say she had a terrible day! ... And replies with that. Then you're frozen. You're not close enough to offer solace.

 

Let's say she had a great day. Well, nice ... but you would end up rooting for her and praising her before you really know her. Instead, focus on dating.

 

If the OP really enjoyed the date and enjoyed this woman's energy, then build on the previous conversation ... If he really likes this woman, she would have said lot during the date that fascinated or impressed him. Build on that ... add to it ... continue a genuine conversation.

 

Or just ask her out again.

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@Lotsgoingon you honestly sound like a robot the way you calculate every single thing. What is wrong with asking how someone's day went? You don't have to know them well to CARE if they had a good day or not. You don't have to know them well to ask how they are doing or to even care about how they are doing. It makes me sad to know that more than half of the world think the way you do.

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@PRW, you are an even bigger robot yourself, smh. Aussieguy, if you are looking for something casual and fleeting then feel free to follow PRW's advice but if you're looking for a relationship that will hopefully last then stop calculating !

 

If a girl is EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE and likes you, there's honestly VERY little you can say or do to ruin things. Except if you are just a completely a$$wipe or are struggling with some mental health issues and need to get your mind straight.

 

A grown woman is not looking for a leader, she is looking for an equal. Like i said, please do not over think this. If she liked you during your first date and is mentally and emotionally available, she will date you without hesitation. Continue normally and just let this flow naturally.

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If this doesn't work out and you really want to find someone, just keep putting yourself out there. It will happen eventually.

 

If you play games, you'll just end up with people you had no business being with in the first place. It's like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. When it doesn't fit, you strategize and try to figure out how to make it fit. Maybe you'll succeed but it will never feel quite right because the peg is in a hole it has no business being in. I hope this all makes sense.

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So the way I asked was "We'll have catch up next week after I get back if you're interested and we can check out one of the restaurants we spoke about"

 

This is good besides "if you are interested" sounds like you aren't sure. Although you aren't sure, you do t want to convey that. Because you are awesome and why wouldn't she be interested, right?

 

This wouldn't necessarily warrant an immediate reply. But I see she did finally reply, so good!

 

Pick one of her days, offer a time and place. Don't wait her out 20 hours just because she did. Just don't text her the next couple days after you confirm the date. Sounds like it is over a week away so one check in before the date may be okay.

 

I dont feel like this is playing games but rather showing that you are confident and have your own life. I worry about guys that text every day after making a date or after the first few dates because it's like you barely know me. It makes me wonder if he will be codependent. And I can't STAND someone texting me all day everyday.

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If this doesn't work out and you really want to find someone, just keep putting yourself out there. It will happen eventually.

 

If you play games, you'll just end up with people you had no business being with in the first place. It's like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. When it doesn't fit, you strategize and try to figure out how to make it fit. Maybe you'll succeed but it will never feel quite right because the peg is in a hole it has no business being in. I hope this all makes sense.

 

I think it depends on the type of girl he wants. If he wants an independent, confident female, there is nothing wrong with this. There has to be some breathing room for some girls (like me). Think long term what you are looking for once the magic wears off and act accordingly so that you attract what you want.

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