Date a twice married man?

[mortensorchid]

I was on Bumble, connected with this guy there. We were having a chat, here and there about things. He said he was excited to have made the connection, I felt the same I told him via text. He said he was leaving on a business trip and would be back on Wednesday night, maybe after that we can get together? I said sure.

 

I said I wanted to ask a few questions of him, just basic factual information. His job, likes, dislikes, etc. And then I asked the one question I think we all need to ask others at some point which was/is if you have ever been married and/or have kids. He didn't offer that in the profile information. He said he had two kids (18 and 15), and he was married twice. The first time he was married for 15 years (together for 21), then rebounded after his divorce and barely a year later married his rebound, which lasted 2 years.

 

Huh ... I have seen people do things like that and it's bad. This makes me ... Very unhappy to hear. Pursue this further?

[RedHead5]

I've been married twice. I was so worried about this stigma when I decided to end my second marriage but, it was similar to him. Rebound and I didnt think it through as well as I should have.

 

I've learned alot and matured alot. I would get to know him better before writing him off.

 

I don't ask about kids or marriages until after I meet someone and decide I like them. I don't like it to cloud my thoughts.

[carhill]

While each man is different, a twice married guy with older kids is probably done with the marriage thing. If he's 'normal' he'll enjoy a partner to live life with but I wouldn't count on a ring or any more kids.

 

Date him? If he's attractive and you mesh well in person, sure. Leave expectations at the door though. Enjoy the moments.

 

As a positive story, the guy my exW moved in while we were divorcing is still with her some eight years later and I was her third divorce (ten year M). This shows that people with multiple divorces can still form stable relationships. It depends on the person.

[coolheadal]

I was on Bumble, connected with this guy there. We were having a chat, here and there about things. He said he was excited to have made the connection, I felt the same I told him via text. He said he was leaving on a business trip and would be back on Wednesday night, maybe after that we can get together? I said sure.

 

I said I wanted to ask a few questions of him, just basic factual information. His job, likes, dislikes, etc. And then I asked the one question I think we all need to ask others at some point which was/is if you have ever been married and/or have kids. He didn't offer that in the profile information. He said he had two kids (18 and 15), and he was married twice. The first time he was married for 15 years (together for 21), then rebounded after his divorce and barely a year later married his rebound, which lasted 2 years.

 

Huh ... I have seen people do things like that and it's bad. This makes me ... Very unhappy to hear. Pursue this further?

 

No you shouldn't pursue this further because he's not the type for you. You had to ask that question to see if he was married and ever had kids. He told you he was married twice and the second was a rebound. Not a good judge type he has issues with woman and being married. The kids are teenagers. Yet he hid this info from his profile. How sure are you that he's not married 3 time? I had a women told me she was married 2x times then learned she had lied and said she didn't want to tell me in fear of losing me. She only had two kids 27 year old and 6 year old. Of course she had some history as well too If I did my math right she would have had 7 kids. But she had a couple of abortions and miscarries. I still dated her. I wouldn't do it again. I look for women who are not married and don't have kids. Yet never kinda works out like that.

 

The ideal for men never date a woman with kids or have been married more than twice. Sure I even gone out with 4 timer. She was nerves wreck. I met her at a friends party. She was really into me though. When I had taken her out on date a few times I seen some odd behavior. She wasn't ready to settle again and wanted to take RV trip so she can find herself again. I had said sure you can I'll stay here and continue my search. Never spoken to her ever again. My friend told me she was a nut job but it was best I don't talk with her. Too bad and she was older than me.

 

I share my stories to help those understand how people are today. You keep meeting these guys off OLD apps and you run in so many hidden truths. I sure you'll find the right one soon. I hope you do and thus you can be happy to be with someone you like to be with. Care, like and love!

Edited September 24, 2018 by coolheadal

[shydad]

... then rebounded after his divorce and barely a year later married his rebound, which lasted 2 years. ... I have seen people do things like that and it's bad. This makes me ... Very unhappy to hear. Pursue this further?

Even I know this is bad. How long has it been since his last marriage?

 

To each his own, and I don't want to judge, but what I've seen from my own experience wasn't good. She had a new man after two months. It has not gone well. As for myself, I knew I was unfit to be in a relationship. During the first two years I was not well, emotionally. It's almost four years now, and now I'm ready.

 

Maybe a next step would be to talk with him about this. Why did he marry so soon? What did he learn? Does he have a plan to prevent a third marriage from failing? That's one of the first things I thought about...what can I do to prevent this from happening again? I'd ask him this in person too, or at least verbally, so you can gauge his response in real time. I'm not trying to put the guy on the spot, but if I were you, I'd want to know that he had already put thought into this.

[FMW]

If you're looking for marriage and children he probably isn't a good bet.

[coolheadal]

We're all missing the point here. It's not fair to her to date a double married man with grown teenage kids. Where the OP has never experience getting having her own kids and going through the process. He has the experience twice already. He might start comparing her to his priors. Trust me no man or woman wants to listen to prior relationship. Saying she didn't do it that way, your not doing it the way I am use too. My ex's didn't say that or make that for me etc.. His two kids are grown teenagers they might not welcome you has their step-mom or anything else. A lot of conflict. He's better to date someone who has been married and has kids already. To me it's not fair to deal with these sort of relationships because in the end you'll be unhappy or someone said something to make you feel sad. Oops then there is the ex's wives he had will always be a part of his life because they had kids together.

[RedHead5]

So, I do agree that if you are looking for someone to marry you should ask that question pretty soon before you get involved because he may not want to get married again. I know for me I have zero desire to get married again right now. But it's not fair to make assumptions it's better to ask.

 

And as far as him hiding kids from his profile, I think that's a little silly to assume as well. I never mentioned my kids in my profile and I typically did not match with men who mention their kids. my logic was I wasn't dating someone for their kids and I wasn't dating someone to find a father for my kids. I definitely would not want to have more kids though so that is another thing that you should ask pretty early on.

 

And when I say ask these things early on I definitely don't mean on the first date. I would say by the time you think there might be potential it might be good to ask and in general way how they see their future. Just to make sure it lines up. but I don't think you should make assumptions about people.

 

OP never said if she had kids or wanted kids. Go on the date live life have fun. you may go on the date and not even like him anyway and none of this matters...just relax...

[Eternal Sunshine]

Depends what you are looking for. If you just want some companionship then it doesn't matter.

 

 

 

I sometimes think that getting into a bad relationship would be good for you M. Then you can appreciate how much better it is to be single!

[carhill]

A person who has been married 15 years (together for 21) does demonstrate willingness to commit and relationship stability so that's a plus.

 

Historically, men who were married many years, especially if marrying young, tended to get remarried quickly; that appears to be changing in modern times. Still, the skills learned while married tend to facilitate them quickly moving on to new relationships so not on the market very long, especially if socially powerful/desirable.

[Happy Lemming]

"Once bitten - twice shy"...

 

Well this guy is twice bitten... Food for thought.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I would need to know more about the first marriage and why it ended. Specifically if the "rebound" was actually an affair partner.

 

I dated a man who had two ex-wives. They both left him. One was less than a year when he was very young and she told him on the honeymoon she didn't want to be married to him. He waited a really long time to get married again, and she cheated on him multiple times. They had two kids. He's still not over her, but he had zero problems with actual commitment.

 

All situations are different. Give him a chance, but get all the facts (eventually).

[Estes]

He's clearly a person who doesn't learn from his mistakes and is destined to keep repeating them.

[JuneL]

If he’s very good looking and I’m up for some casual dating, then his marital history wouldn’t matter; otherwise, he has too much baggage.

[smackie9]

If you're looking for marriage and children he probably isn't a good bet.

This^^^^ you need to think over your expectations. This guy would be OK for a companion but not for marriage.

[JuneL]

I would need to know more about the first marriage and why it ended. Specifically if the "rebound" was actually an affair partner.

 

I dated a man who had two ex-wives. They both left him. One was less than a year when he was very young and she told him on the honeymoon she didn't want to be married to him. He waited a really long time to get married again, and she cheated on him multiple times. They had two kids. He's still not over her, but he had zero problems with actual commitment.

 

All situations are different. Give him a chance, but get all the facts (eventually).

 

He might not have problems with actual commitment, but he certainly has problems picking the right women to marry.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He might not have problems with actual commitment, but he certainly has problems picking the right women to marry.

 

Oh for sure. The second one was a shotgun wedding.

[kendahke]

 

Historically, men who were married many years, especially if marrying young, tended to get remarried quickly. Still, the skills learned while married tend to facilitate them quickly moving on to new relationships so not on the market very long, especially if socially powerful/desirable.

 

This is so true... after a certain age, be it by divorce or death, that man will not remain single for long unless it is his desire to not be bothered by any more women.

 

The casserole bearing mature woman is a real thing--I've seen it happen.

[kendahke]

He's clearly a person who doesn't learn from his mistakes and is destined to keep repeating them.

 

I see no evidence of this in this post.

 

None of us here know this man nor the circumstances behind this guy's divorces--like what if it was his wife who had the affair on him and left? How is that his mistake? That he didn't see 15 years into the future on his wedding day? No one can.

 

Plenty of men who have been married a long time and are used to being in a marital framework remarry quickly because that's what's familiar to them---and generally, broadly speaking, second marriages don't tend to last because of how quickly they came about. Some do, especially if they didn't rush into it on the heels of a failed first marriage.

 

At least he knows when to put an end to something that is not working and probably wasn't going to work and didn't let it linger and die an unnecessarily long death. I'd side-eye him if his second marriage was +15 years and he was miserable in it.

 

Life is too short for BS.

[Mardelis]

That he didn't see 15 years into the future on his wedding day? No one can.

 

 

That's why marriage has such a high failure rate. No one can predict the future and yet we commit ourselves to it, with a person we might not even know that well or for that long.

[No_Go]

Why is the fact he had 2 marriages an issue for you? Is it psychological - think about it, would it be better if he had 2 failed LTRs instead but never married? Or is it more about logistics (alimonies etc)?

[Artdeco]

I wouldn’t have any issues with that, especially not nowadays. Pretty standard imo. Also, you don’t know any specifics. Lives are different, there’s no cookie cutter life. Why judge a person before meeting them? After one conversation? C’mon! Same could be said about females in their 40s, never married no kids (“red flag, she’s never been married, there must be something wrong with her blabla”.... I don’t believe in stereotypes).

[FMW]

The issue with this guy is that after two failed marriages and with two almost grown children he is not likely to be interested in getting married again or having more children.

 

If OP wants marriage and children he's therefore probably not a good option.

 

OP's hangup with it in general might be that it means two other women out there, at least one of whom shares a child/children with him, being part of his life. He comes as a package deal, living and breathing extra baggage. That's a big consideration.

 

If someone is ok with that great, but OP having concerns is reasonable and prudent.

[Artdeco]

I think it’s a little premature to a) assume that there will be marriage, or that OP wants marriage, or that it’ll be even discussed (they haven’t even met, let alone dated), and b) that he’s flat out not marriage material per se.

 

Regarding the (potential) baggage: Who doesn’t have baggage in his age group? And a big plus is that the kids are older. Less coparenting - less baggage! Yeah!

 

The OP’s topic is always the same: I met somebody online (over and over again, more of the same), BUT I’m not meeting him, because A,B,C - please tell me I’m right.

 

I think the deeper, real issue is insecurity. She doesn’t actually want to meet them in person, because she feels inadequate. Hence, she tries to reject in advance, before anything happens. IF she meets somebody in person, there’s always something else that bothers her. It’s an attitude issue. Hers.

Edited September 24, 2018 by Artdeco

[mortensorchid]

What I am looking for is this (so that things are clear to all on the forum):

 

I can accept the fact that I will not have kids now. I am 43 about to be 44 and it's too late for me. I am okay with this.

 

I want a relationship - as in a LTR - that will eventually lead to marriage. I seem to encounter, however, nothing but trainwrecks, guys who will not commit to me but rather to a gal who is not right for them to say the least who ends up taking advantage of them or using them for their own gains (but that tells me they - as in the man in question - is not that great to begin with if he would throw me over in favor of that). I am wary about him because of this history but I believe that if one wants certain things, they must ask certain things in the beginning as in just factual information. One guy I went out with on an OLD years ago and he revealed he had 4 kids all under age 12 which he neglected to mention. I said NEXT.