Almost relationship, unspoken feelings led to deception and disaster. Now what?

[Hondamagic]

This is long, sorry. I’ve been with this girl for nearly two years in an almost relationship/fwb sense but we broke all the rules of fwb and never classified ourselves as such. We would go on dates, hangout up to 3x a week and just get lost in each other, it was great.

 

I loved her and I have for a long time but I never said it, I never asked her to be official. Things were working and I was terrified of ruining that. You could say I have some baggage issues, my prior ex passed away which was scarring and the last two girls I had things with left when I wanted to be more than fwb. Dammit, I didn’t want to lose this one either. I know it’s my fault for letting my insecurities get in the way.

 

She can be very closed off and doesn’t like talking about feelings. This girl did have some deep depression issues she tells me as she hasn’t always had the best life. I rarely ever saw it when we were together. I have suggested and offered to help her get professional help as it was something that made me a little uneasy.

 

This spring, I decided I was going to go for it and suggest being official but around February, I could feel her becoming more distant. Seeing and talking to her less and less and she kept blaming her depression and busyness with work and school. I chose to believe that as I don’t know a lot about depression. She wouldn’t give me much answers or explain much to me and began telling me I was the source of her depression that’s why she can’t come to me about it.

 

At end of July I’m at the bar and I see her arrive with a guy and see them kiss. I confront her and we end up outside talking about it for the next two hours. She claims she just met him and doesn’t even know him and he’s only in the picture for emotional support. I did establish that they were also sleeping together. During this talk I let my true feelings be told and that I did want to date her. She said she didn’t ever think I was going to date her and that I made her feel not good enough for me but did love me and wanted to be with me. The night ended with her not knowing what to do.

 

The next day I get a text apologizing, saying she made a big mistake and we ended up deciding to try us again. We had some fun dates over the next month but something was off, like she was holding back. Then one week she ghosts me, after two weeks I end up driving to her house to confront her. Two fricken years and you ghost me!? She said she’s been depressed and doesn’t know what she wants and wants to be on her own for awhile. I had to ask if I should move on as she couldn’t even tell me that and she nodded yes. I wished her the best and walked away.

 

A few days later I’m Facebook creeping and end up seeing a dude with her in a photo and him calling her his girl in the comments, this photo was from March! I couldn’t keep quiet, I screenshot it and texted it to her. The next day she called and owned up to it. I never knew how to tell you and I was trying to figure out how I could still keep you in my life she said. We hashed things out again She kept saying she wishes things were different and that she never wanted to say goodbye to me and that I was important. She struggles to end to conversation, after an hour of her sobbing I say my farewell and wish her luck and hang up.

 

So for months she had a bf and has been cheating on him with me! Things all made much more sense. I suspected it, and asked several times and always got no for an answer. How could that be a good relationship or something she wants or something that would ever workout with me being in the picture the entire time? It was doomed from the start.

 

I don’t know what to think or how to feel. Like she has feelings for me but wont do anything about it. I get it, my own damn fault for not being official. I made it so easy many times for her to be open to me and cut me free if she didn’t want to be with me but she never could. Even in the bitter end she still didn’t want to say goodbye and left me so confused. I realize I shouldn’t want her back but I do. My goal is to move on and never contact again but I can’t stop wondering if she will ever reach out, like the story ended before it’s time. She didn’t know how I truly felt until August, I get how that puts her in a difficult spot. I fight myself on wether she’s an awful person or not or what because she technically wasn’t my girlfriend but she did cheat on her bf. What are your thoughts?

[TheFinalWord]

Yeah, it's both of your faults.

 

Two years is a long time to never share your feelings! She could have said something to. In this era of equality, girls are allowed to initiate the relationship talk as well. But on the other hand, how can you ever trust her? Just think, this guy thinks he has this loyal girlfriend, and may have slept with her within hours of you. How some people put their pillow on their head at night, using people like that, I don't know. Classic narcissism.

 

I had a similar situation at one time. But we had only talked for a couple months. I could already tell she was either in a relationship or she was just putting me in her rotation of men. What was weird is she would almost do things to try to make me jealous, but when I would try to talk about "us" she would ghost or never answer.

 

Some people are just mentally messed up and incapable of an honest relationship. One thing to keep in mind. If she was a FWB for two years, do you really think you would be the only one? FWB implicitly means there is no commitment or agreement about exclusivity.

 

It will be painful, but I think you need to break her off from your life and move on with a valuable lesson in mind. That means delete from social media, get out there and date. If she tries to reach out, I would not respond. She's a liar man. A narcissist and she picked another guy over you. She's sending mixed messages to keep you attached emotionally. If they break up, she wants to keep you in her FWB orbit. Very convenient for her and she can blame it on you to get what she wants. She's a manipulator. Next time, if you feel something, share it. If its the right person, they will feel the same.

Edited September 24, 2018 by TheFinalWord

[Hondamagic]

Thanks for commenting. For the longest time I really believed her and she seemed very genuine. Her ex fiancé ended up cheating on her and she said “I would never put someone through that same pain” and I guess I took that to heart. It would be very hard to trust her again indeed. I have wondered if she is an actual narcissist as well or just messed up. What crappy deal.

[TheFinalWord]

Thanks for commenting. For the longest time I really believed her and she seemed very genuine. Her ex fiancé ended up cheating on her and she said “I would never put someone through that same pain” and I guess I took that to heart. It would be very hard to trust her again indeed. I have wondered if she is an actual narcissist as well or just messed up. What crappy deal.

 

 

Yeah, but technically she didn't because it was FWB. That's always gonna be how she rationalizes her behavior. Also, you never get both sides of a story with past relationships. Maybe she cheated too. It doesn't seem beyond her. Who knows. I'm the same way. I tend to want to believe people. But, two years FWB is a long time man. Would be different if over those two years, you hung out a few times. But you basically had a relationship, without really having a relationship. That's why it feels so confusing.

[ExpatInItaly]

Two years is far too long to never share your feelings. I am not surprised she found someone else, to be honest. I understand your past experiences influence this, as I too have lost an ex, but you won't be able to have a successful relationship until you are comfortable taking that emotional risk again.

 

However, she is not a quality girl herself. She's been cheating with you and lying to both you and her boyfriend. Her feelings for you obviously aren't as strong as yours anymore, and she isn't the type of girl you could ever trust. You have just learned what she's really about, and it's not good.

 

You'll move past all of this, but you need to stay no contact with her. She is going to keep bouncing between you and him as long as you let it happen, so you have to be sure you don't give her any further access to you.

[MountainGirl111]

This is long, sorry. I’ve been with this girl for nearly two years in an almost relationship/fwb sense but we broke all the rules of fwb and never classified ourselves as such. We would go on dates, hangout up to 3x a week and just get lost in each other, it was great.

 

I loved her and I have for a long time but I never said it, I never asked her to be official. Things were working and I was terrified of ruining that. You could say I have some baggage issues, my prior ex passed away which was scarring and the last two girls I had things with left when I wanted to be more than fwb. Dammit, I didn’t want to lose this one either. I know it’s my fault for letting my insecurities get in the way.

 

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These two paragraphs describe your relationship with her: "Almost relationship"? What is that exactly? It's sort of like being in limbo. It's confusing. She likely became confused by that and thought she would hang on to her BF to get her emotional needs met. I wonder if that was really the case or not. Who knows. Maybe she just used that line as an excuse, but maybe it is true. People look to other people for various reasons. I try to stay away from condemning them. Is it right? Maybe not. Could it happen to various people? Yes.

 

Even people you think would never cheat could become a cheater.....

 

But, your case is confusing....she didn't really cheat on you if you were in an "almost relationship.". However maybe her BF was FWB too. *shrug*. Maybe you were both FWB. Now there's an interesting concept. You chose to be in an FWB with her, knowing that it's no true commitment. But maybe you should have committed. Why didn't you?

 

How long do you think "almost" would be enough?

 

In your post you come across as blaming her mainly and others calling her a narcissist when they don't really know her or what her other relationship entailed. They don't know her enough to make a diagnosis of "narcissist".

 

I just try not to judge. I'm not judging you either. It sounds like to me you were afraid to commit. And that is a big reason why gals leave a relationship or stray. "He wouldn't commit". You hear it all the time.

Edited September 25, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[MountainGirl111]

It's 2018..soon to be 2019. Maybe I'm not up to speed. But what exactly IS "FWB" ? It's someone you are friends with, and also have sexual relations with. Well, isn't that also what a "boy-friend" is in most cases? Someone who is a boy and a friend and intimate with. May or may not be having sex with BF, depending on your personal convictions....may or may not have true commitment with FWB or with BF. I've had boyfriends that were not committed to me....I've never had FWB...but, in a way...isn't that what a BF kind of is...it's a little confusing.

 

The girl in question here: Why don't you just put a "Scarlet Letter" on the front of her attire and make her wear that around, proclaiming she is a woman of ill repute? That would be rather Puritanical, wouldn't it?

[kendahke]

This is the premise I'm working with here: she was never your girlfriend, you never wanted her to be your girlfriend or else you'd have proceeded in a manner that made that statement true. That's not what happened.

 

Dammit, I didn’t want to lose this one either. I know it’s my fault for letting my insecurities get in the way

 

As long as you keep avoiding dealing with your issues, you're going to keep dragging your baggage with you into every new relationship you get into. Those insecurities need to be resolved and put away before you enter into anything new and lose them. They are not for anyone else to have to unpack. That's your heavy lift, not hers or the others who walked away. Handle that before you get with anyone else.

 

Two fricken years and you ghost me!?

 

Before you get all up on your high dudgeon:

I loved her and I have for a long time but I never said it, I never asked her to be official. You could say I have some baggage issues,

 

You're shook because she found someone who acted in line with what they said.

 

It's a shame that it takes 2 "fricken" years and her finding out she's done with the treatment for you to declare your intentions as far as she's concerned.

 

During that same 2 years, you could have opened up a can of "act right" and none of this would be happening.

 

Address the beam coming out of your eye before you speak about the splinter in hers.

[kendahke]

It's 2018..soon to be 2019. Maybe I'm not up to speed. But what exactly IS "FWB" ? ?

 

It's someone who you have sex with and have absolutely no expectations of obligation that comes with a full on relationship.

 

IOW: you're not answerable to each other for what you do when not with each other.

 

That's the difference.

[MountainGirl111]

This is the premise I'm working with here: she was never your girlfriend, you never wanted her to be your girlfriend or else you'd have proceeded in a manner that made that statement true. That's not what happened.

 

 

 

As long as you keep avoiding dealing with your issues, you're going to keep dragging your baggage with you into every new relationship you get into. Those insecurities need to be resolved and put away before you enter into anything new and lose them. They are not for anyone else to have to unpack. That's your heavy lift, not hers or the others who walked away. Handle that before you get with anyone else.

 

 

 

Before you get all up on your high dudgeon:

 

 

You're shook because she found someone who acted in line with what they said.

 

It's a shame that it takes 2 "fricken" years and her finding out she's done with the treatment for you to declare your intentions as far as she's concerned.

 

During that same 2 years, you could have opened up a can of "act right" and none of this would be happening.

 

Address the beam coming out of your eye before you speak about the splinter in hers.

 

....or how about this one, this crossed my mind earlier today:

 

" He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her..."

(speaking of the woman caught doing adultery)

 

I know I'm guilty of judging others sometimes instead of focusing on myself and right what needs righted.

[luvflower]

I agree with poster that you’re both to blame, if it’s necessary to even blame anyone. Seeing how you’re really missing her and you’re the man, I feel like you couldn’t stepped up to the plate and said something a long time ago.

 

I’m in a similar situation, but I’m more in her shoes minus being caught kissing in a bar. Nothing wrong with her being out with someone else. She probably assumes that being FWB is all you want. IMO that’s what we women assume when a guy doesn’t express wanting to be exclusive. Lots of us women still prefer a man to take the lead. Otherwise, we end up thinking you’re either lazy or just not trying to be exclusive. And women /people with options don’t just sit at home playing solitaire, we connect with other men because we’re human and still need/want the attention & affection.