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I moved. He wasn’t happy. I’m back. He’s happy but weird.


luvflower

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Hello all. Almost 7 months ago I moved several hours away from the guy I’m seeing. I’m back in his area for a few months to tie up some work related stuff. I’ve been staying alone for the most part while being back, but have seen him only a few times(which He had an issue with). he’s expressed his frustration with my indifference about us not seeing each other more, since I’ve been back in town. He also tells me occasionally that I’m hard to read.

 

So Last week I asked him how he felt about me staying with him 2 days this week. He says, it should be fine but he’d let me know if his relatives needed to stay there. (He lives in a one bedroom apt just FYI). so I was already like , “yea whatever” inwardly. THEN, he waits until the morning I was supposed to go to his place to text me saying he wondered why I didn’t respond to his text but he realized it didn’t go through, but that it’s definitely fine for me to stay with him. THEN he asks what time I’ll be there. I tell him. He then says he’s OUT OF STATE(hu? I thought) ,but he would have the concierge give me the key.i was just like “ok..?” and I figured he wouldn’t come back until the next day. it sounded weird but I said ok. I DID however, ask should if I should expect anyone else to be coming in . That’s when he said he’d be there but it would be about 3 hrs after I got there. He got there a bit earlier, but he was short with words and quiet.

 

*Why didn’t he just say it wasn’t a good time to stay over bcuz he wouldn’t be home ? I appreciate his provisions and I told him so but really…

 

*Why is he so quiet?. He said he was tired. Ok and I didn’t question him. I too was tired. But he’s never been that quiet for as long as I’ve known him. Should address anything or just leave him to his fatigue/sulking/etc? Or what?

 

I left out several details for the sake of brevity but feel free to ask any clarifying questions. Thanks for any feedback. I like this guy but I feel like he’s just playing a game at this point now that I’m trying to make up for some lost time...

Edited by luvflower
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It sounds like he's trying to accommodate your need to stay with him two days a week, but he's not going to arrange his schedule and cancel something to be there with you. I don't see anything to get upset about. Just know that long distance usually does not work in the long term though.

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*Why didn’t he just say it wasn’t a good time to stay over bcuz he wouldn’t be home ? I appreciate his provisions and I told him so but really…

 

But he was going to be home, just a little later than your arrival. And he wanted to accommodate your request and seeing that he doesn't get much time to see you, he likely offered because it was an opportunity for him. I don't see the issue here.

 

*Why is he so quiet?. He said he was tired. Ok and I didn’t question him. I too was tired. But he’s never been that quiet for as long as I’ve known him. Should address anything or just leave him to his fatigue/sulking/etc? Or what?

 

Maybe he is sullen because you're acting indifferent and cold and he isn't sure how to respond. If I liked someone but they were keeping me at a distance, I'd likely get frustrated and retreat as well.

 

I like this guy but I feel like he’s just playing a game at this point now that I’m trying to make up for some lost time...

 

You mentioned that he has been wanting to see you more but you're keeping distance so in that sense I have to wonder if he thinks you are the one playing games. If you like this guy and it seems like he does too, why do you come off indifferent and hard to read?

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I'm not seeing anything that requires explanation.

 

 

He's put off by your indifferent attitude, he's got other obligations but he's trying to accommodate you because he still cares about you, and because of those obligations he'll be home a few hours after you get there.

 

 

 

Next question(s)?

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You shouldn't be having this discussion with us, you should be expressing your feelings, etc to HIM. Then he won't say you are indifferent and hard to read.

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You shouldn't be having this discussion with us, you should be expressing your feelings, etc to HIM.

 

 

If everyone did that we wouldn't need forums like this one.

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It sounds like he's trying to accommodate your need to stay with him two days a week, but he's not going to arrange his schedule and cancel something to be there with you. I don't see anything to get upset about. Just know that long distance usually does not work in the long term though.

 

Thanks. Not 2 days a week. 2 days this week only. And I’m not upset nor did I ask him to rearrange his schedule. HE is the one who gets upset about us not seeing each other enough. I would’ve been fine with him not even being there these few days. This is why I felt like he could’ve just told me this “wasn’t a good time” rather than acting like he’s so busy being out of state. I would’ve been fine being there alone , closer to work ,etc .

 

If I’m out of state(as I have been) then I’m out of state and I’m not going to tell someone at literally the last minute, causing me to rush back.

 

:cool:a detail I left out of the initial thread for the sake of brevity was that when we first met, he literally copied 3 out of state trips I took (in a row) after I got back. Each time I got back he said “oh, I’m going there next week, weekend, etc. A few were work related but regardless, he has a history of acting weird when I return from out of town and/or COMPETING with places I go , perhaps because he thinks it’s a competition. That’s weird no matter how you slice it.

 

 

So now that I’ve been living out of town, he comes up w/these weird things like “oh I’m out of state, out of space, on a sky dive, etc.” Making me wonder if he’ll always be this way.

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You mentioned that he has been wanting to see you more but you're keeping distance so in that sense I have to wonder if he thinks you are the one playing games. If you like this guy and it seems like he does too, why do you come off indifferent and hard to read?

 

Great clarifying question!

 

1-Because I feel like he seems to show more engagement when he thinks we are going to have intercourse. Times that I have not wanted to go “all the way”, he has complained. So I’m not motivated to “accommodate him as often because I feel like he wants mainly a physical relationship. So I figure if that’s what he wants then there’s no need to pretend that we’re more than what we are.

2- We don’t do much going out. But he’s quick to want to get me over to his spot. Furthermore, he rarely if ever agreed to come to my spot . He always found an excuse to have me go to him, especially when I was still living near him.

3-yes I’ve shared these concerns with him.

Edited by luvflower
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I know but some things are just common sense.

 

Obviously we don’t all think alike and have different communication styles. Meaning common sense is common for everyone. So common sense should’ve told you that u didn’t need to post a sentence like that in this thread or anyone else’s.

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... furthermore, I have not posted everything we’ve both discussed in this thread. It would take too long. But as I posted a few posts earlier, I have shared some of these sentiments with him. I don’t confront every single thing hat happens because everything doesn’t warrant a conversation with a significant other. Which is why as @normm said, we have forums like this.

 

If you’re a bully then you have other issues , eg being bullied. And this isn’t the thread for that displaced sarcasm.

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1-Because I feel like he seems to show more engagement when he thinks we are going to have intercourse. Times that I have not wanted to go “all the way”, he has complained. So I’m not motivated to “accommodate him as often because I feel like he wants mainly a physical relationship. So I figure if that’s what he wants then there’s no need to pretend that we’re more than what we are.

 

2- We don’t do much going out. But he’s quick to want to get me over to his spot. Furthermore, he rarely if ever agreed to come to my spot . He always found an excuse to have me go to him, especially when I was still living near him.

 

3-yes I’ve shared these concerns with him.

 

So THESE are the issues in your relationship ... not the way he was out of town or not out of town when you arrived.

 

#1 is a biggie ... sounds like you are out of sync on goals for the relationship.

 

#2 is a possible biggie ... why won't he come to your place? That's significant and a possible red flag. Something weird here ... actually I'd move to a definite red flag if you don't feel like you are getting a good reason for his avoidance of visiting you.

 

#3 ... Are we to assume that you are still dissatisfied after discussing this with him?

 

Sounds like you are unhappy in the relationship. Are you thinking of breaking up?

 

Why are you still dating him?

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Great clarifying question!

 

1-Because I feel like he seems to show more engagement when he thinks we are going to have intercourse. Times that I have not wanted to go “all the way”, he has complained. So I’m not motivated to “accommodate him as often because I feel like he wants mainly a physical relationship. So I figure if that’s what he wants then there’s no need to pretend that we’re more than what we are.

2- We don’t do much going out. But he’s quick to want to get me over to his spot. Furthermore, he rarely if ever agreed to come to my spot . He always found an excuse to have me go to him, especially when I was still living near him.

3-yes I’ve shared these concerns with him.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

He wants sex delivered to him, like a pizza. He's too lazy to actually go OUT for one.

 

Pizza shows up, but not with all the toppings he wanted, he gets pissy.

 

 

If pizza wasn't just a metaphor here, I'd add on that he probably doesn't tip.

 

He's lazy and entitled. You can do better.

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Great clarifying question!

 

1-Because I feel like he seems to show more engagement when he thinks we are going to have intercourse. Times that I have not wanted to go “all the way”, he has complained. So I’m not motivated to “accommodate him as often because I feel like he wants mainly a physical relationship. So I figure if that’s what he wants then there’s no need to pretend that we’re more than what we are.

2- We don’t do much going out. But he’s quick to want to get me over to his spot. Furthermore, he rarely if ever agreed to come to my spot . He always found an excuse to have me go to him, especially when I was still living near him.

3-yes I’ve shared these concerns with him.

 

Seems like red flags to you and if so, why are you still dating/engaging him if you’re cautious that he only wants one thing and seems lazy in actually courting you?

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Sounds like you are unhappy in the relationship. Are you thinking of breaking up?

 

Why are you still dating him?

 

Also my question.

 

I remember your earlier posts. Frankly, I'm surprised that you are still together. I'm also wondering why you are still dating...

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Hello all. Almost 7 months ago I moved several hours away from the guy I’m seeing. I’m back in his area for a few months to tie up some work related stuff. I’ve been staying alone for the most part while being back, but have seen him only a few times(which He had an issue with). he’s expressed his frustration with my indifference about us not seeing each other more, since I’ve been back in town. He also tells me occasionally that I’m hard to read.

 

<SNIP>

 

Complicated you two are I see here in what you say. You have to give me time you left him when he was happy with you now your back and he's somewhat happy and is acting strange now. Well what to you expect? He has to feel right again with you with love, trust and etc. It's a man ego thing it will take time to get over and you just have to grin and bare it as you say you like the guy. So that's something right there to think about. He likes you but uncertain of what you would do next? Leave again or not? Because you did it once you can always do it again. Sure it sounds like he's feeling insecure with you right now. Your trying to please him and he's just not making things happen with you. This will past, but give it time. Like I had said before you left him and not your back. Think of it the other way if he left you and then came back how would you feel and act?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Scarlett.O'hara

So one minute you may not be allowed to stay because "family" might need to stay, then he claims he is "out of state" on the day, and then suddenly he is back early?

 

Do you think it is possible that he might be seeing other women? There certainly seems like enough frustration and distance (both emotionally & physically) during the course of this relationship which might explain why he is pursuing other options on the side.

 

I do not condone cheating at all, but there are some people who are capable of justifying it to themselves when it suits them. "I wasn't getting enough attention" or "The relationship wasn't going anywhere" etc..

 

It may not be the case, but whatever the reason for his behavior, it sounds like there is a huge disconnect in the relationship that needs to be addressed. If it can't, then perhaps you two just aren't right for each other and should let each other go.

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Well, with the new information about how he is mostly cooperative when he thinks it's going to lead to sex that you outlined, I would have to just say you are right. He doesn't like being restricted from sex (do any of them?) and he truly is mainly wanting sex and not wanting all the rest of it. And not only that, but the fact you can't get him to even come to you tells me he is in it for convenient sex and he checks out when that game isn't going well.

 

With this new information, I am having trouble understanding why you're trying to do this. If all you want is a guy who wants convenient sex, you can get that anywhere. You don't need to travel for it.

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Oh boy, is this guy's name Sam? I dealt with a man just like this. Played a lot of games and only wanted a physical relationship.

 

I don't think you two are on the page. He is likely pretending to want a relationship to appease you. He doesn't really want the entire package that comes with a relationship. He is more interested in the physical aspect of your "relationship" than anything else.

 

If you want a real relationship then maybe you should find someone else.

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Complicated you two are I see here in what you say. You have to give me time you left him when he was happy with you now your back and he's somewhat happy and is acting strange now. Well what to you expect? He has to feel right again with you with love, trust and etc. It's a man ego thing it will take time to get over and you just have to grin and bare it as you say you like the guy. So that's something right there to think about. He likes you but uncertain of what you would do next? Leave again or not? Because you did it once you can always do it again. Sure it sounds like he's feeling insecure with you right now. Your trying to please him and he's just not making things happen with you. This will past, but give it time. Like I had said before you left him and not your back. Think of it the other way if he left you and then came back how would you feel and act?

 

Hey, thanks for this post.

 

Yeah, I’ve thought about things from his perspective. However, I didn’t “leave him” necessarily. I moved for work related stuff and he understood my reasons before I moved. Though he did ask when I’d come back. I came back a few months later than I initially said. He complains every now and then to possibly gauge how much sympathy I’ll have for him.

 

I agree with another poster, that he’s lazy and really does feel entitled for whatever reason. It’s not like the s*x is all that great. It’s ok. We do have chemistry, but again he complains a bit too much sometimes for what he actually brings to the table...

 

I’ll see how things go, but I’m not sure that he’s someone I can consider to be someone SERIOUS or EXCLUSIVE simply because he definitely seems lazy and entitled and a bit timid until I deny him s*x.

 

Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to waste my time with him in bed bcuz I’ve never ever climaxed with him until one day ago. This is after almost 2 years of seeing each other.

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So one minute you may not be allowed to stay because "family" might need to stay, then he claims he is "out of state" on the day, and then suddenly he is back early?

 

Do you think it is possible that he might be seeing other women? There certainly seems like enough frustration and distance (both emotionally & physically) during the course of this relationship which might explain why he is pursuing other options on the side.

 

I do not condone cheating at all, but there are some people who are capable of justifying it to themselves when it suits them. "I wasn't getting enough attention" or "The relationship wasn't going anywhere" etc..

 

It may not be the case, but whatever the reason for his behavior, it sounds like there is a huge disconnect in the relationship that needs to be addressed. If it can't, then perhaps you two just aren't right for each other and should let each other go.

 

Yes that’s definitely a possibility simply because we’re not exclusive and I’ve been away for several months. I was seeing other guys so I’m sure he could have been and still, seeing other people. What that means to me though is that in addition to his annoying habits and behavior, I’m just forced to be more distant and will not be putting forth more effort. There are of course a few more tangibles and intangibles that I haven’t discussed in this thread so those things are in my head as well.

 

I just like being fair when I make decisions to pretty much back away from people. My gut tells me that a man like him ie, lazy, entitled, insecure .... may be a lost cause. He needs a woman who will always chase him and who has no other options. I have other dating options and men who I communicate with so I’m not totally upset about this issue but I am tired of dating several guys. However, maybe it’s just not the time I settle down or “settle” at all.

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He's a man. He has a penis. That's what we do.

 

Yea well i get that, I really do. Which may be why I too see other men. He doesn’t please me sexually. After almost 2 years, I never once climaxed with him and that’s normal for me.

 

;)2 nights ago though, it happened for the first time with MY direction and I told him when we were done. I said “you know that was the first time I climaxed... with you. That was amazing.”

 

I don’t think that was a bad thing for me to say was it? Even if it was, it was the truth. He’s tried making sure I was “pleased” several times before but I just couldn’t get into it enough or it jus didn’t happen. Maybe the other night I was just s*x starved...?

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He's a man. He has a penis. That's what we do.

 

Furthermore, his penis isn’t necessarily the size I’d prefer it to be, which may contribute to my pulling away from him so much sexually.

 

Hence his complaining about me pulling away or being nonchalant so much in general...? Again, I’m not blaming him for everything. I know that I am hard to read. He’s not the only man who’s said that to me. And unless you’re a real alpha male, you may be put off or too timid to speak up.

 

He complained about me being nonchalant even while I was still living out of state.

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Doesn't sound like you are well matched.

 

It also appears you both have other active options.

 

Probably time to call time on this one if you want to focus on dating just one person. It seems pretty clear you aren't good options for each other for that.

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