Try with me ex? Looking for new perspective

[thatmanstan]

Been official for just over 6 months, dated for 2. Now split up for 8 days.

 

She's on a three year scheme for a new job (where she's moving to a new city in two weeks time) that could potentially have her move to a different city for each year. I also have interviews for different jobs in that first same city. If one is successful then I'll be nearer to her than I have ever been before. (Our houses were about just under two hours away when we were together).

 

At breakup, she said she saw me more as a friend, that the spark had gone.

 

This is what she said about the differences between me and her:

Different social lives (she knows I had very few friends compared to her many different circles if friends - and I never really got her involved with mine - she said friends are very important to her).

Different families

Different backgrounds

Finds me more sheltered than her

I'm quite romantic

I'm very positive and elaborate a lot on what I say while she is more direct and a bit of a cynic

 

She said she wanted it to work, and thought she met the right person. But she said that as time went on, felt more depended on than she felt she could be dependent. (I read that as she felt I depended on her more than she could depend on me - she had a more enriching life, she could drive while I've only just restarted my lessons, so she was the one in charge really).

 

This is what she said about me:

I was kind, selfless and loving

She really enjoyed our sex when she was still had the spark

I made her feel safe and a great cuddler

I had time for her and always made her feel safe.

 

She says she's ready to be friends if I am, but feels she won't move on for a long time as she suffers with low self-esteem a lot recently, and she wants to focus on her happiness. She's been finding the break up tough. She can't see a romantic connection in the future with me, I asked why, and she said that she can only say how she can expect to feel in the future (who can predict the future though?)

 

My aim is to see if I can reignite a spark with her down the line. I know that I now have to improve myself so where I am happy, putting myself first. Reconnect with friends that I lost connection with while being in this relationship, focus on my health, go to the gym more and gain confidence, and persue my career. But if that means I can reattract her in the process then I'm game to try that, as I've thought, and I truly believe that something can work out. Not because I'm desperate, but because there was a deep connection that I've not had with my previous partners.

 

I am 25 and she is 24. We would spend about 3 nights a week over hers on average. She's only stayed at mine for one night altogether.

 

Do I stay friends? (Some might say that doing that will make myself too available).

Do I cut contact? (Some might say that doing that will make it harder to reconnect in the future with her).

Edited September 18, 2018 by thatmanstan

[PRW]

I'll translate some of these woman-speak comments

 

At breakup, she said she saw me more as a friend, that the spark had gone.

 

When you translate the woman-speak into English this means she doesn't want to get naked and have your babies. The sexual attraction is just gone. If you exhibited a lot of Beta behavors that is usually the primary cause of that, particularly if you started out with her wanting to get naked and have your babies, but now she doesn't.

 

This is what she said about the differences between me and her:

Different social lives (she knows I had very few friends compared to her many different circles if friends - and I never really got her involved with mine - she said friends are very important to her).

The woman-speak translates to, "You don't have a life and I don't want to be the Leader in this social experiment"

 

I'm quite romantic

I'm very positive and elaborate a lot on what I say while she is more direct and a bit of a cynic

These are feminine characteristics. The woman is supposed to be the romantic one and women should be doing most of the talking,...men should be doing most of the listening. A relationship must have sexual polarity in order to function (masculine side-feminine side) but this one has two feminine sides with the woman being the less feminine of the two. She sounds like a more Alpha-Chick. The only way an Alpha-Chick will be happy in the long term is to meet a man who is even more masculine than she is,...she needs a guy who will make her look even more feminine by the shear contrast of the two of them. Typically these women will get with a "Bad-Boy" because they project the kind of masculinity that they thirst for but the Bad Boy's dark side screws up their lives. It is difficult to find the guy with the masculine bad boy persona while still having the required integrity.

 

Think of ancient times when the man grabbed his sword and went off to war, hacked the bad guys to pieces with the sword, came back a hero covered in blood with maybe an arrow sticking out of his leg,...what type of chick is going to be waiting at home for him? The hottest "badest" Alpha-Chick in the village,...because that is the only kind of man that will satisfy her,...because compared to him, she seems extremely feminine. She'll probably give him a little crap, tell him to take the sandals off before he comes in and hang the sword on the hook and don't bring it to the table, and next time he hacks off some guy's arm don't get so much blood on his clothes that she just washed the other day. Then get that disgusting arrow out of his leg before he comes in the house.

 

(I read that as she felt I depended on her more than she could depend on me - she had a more enriching life, she could drive while I've only just restarted my lessons, so she was the one in charge really).

You read that correctly. She wants to be lead by a leader who will take her life on an adventure,...she doesn't want the puppy dog that will follower her home hoping to be taken in.

 

She says she's ready to be friends if I am, but feels she won't move on for a long time as she suffers with low self-esteem a lot recently, and she wants to focus on her happiness. She's been finding the break up tough. She can't see a romantic connection in the future with me,

There is no way she is suffering from low self-esteem. These are "just words". She is just trying to soften the impact on you. What she is really saying is that she does not want you to pursue her. If you would pursue her she would then say that she doesn't think the two of you should spend time together.

 

I know that I now have to improve myself so where I am happy, putting myself first. Reconnect with friends that I lost connection with while being in this relationship, focus on my health, go to the gym more and gain confidence, and persue my career.

Yes, exactly. A great book that can help with that is "How to be a 3% Man" by Corey Wayne.

 

Do I stay friends? (Some might say that doing that will make myself too available).

Why? So you can torture yourself? A little S&M? Now I don't mean be enemies,...but I just mean that you shouldn't be just hanging out together just the two of you.

 

Do I cut contact? (Some might say that doing that will make it harder to reconnect in the future with her).

No, it will make it easier. But first this "cut contact" or "going No Contact" as some say is childish. Whoever turned in into a Proper Noun should be slapped. It is grade school simple,...if you have a good reason to contact someone than contact them,...if you don't have a good reason to contact them than don't. If you are busy improving your life, making friends, meeting other woman and dating them,...you have no reason to be calling her. What are you going to contact her about?..."Hey! Look at me! Look at me!,...See how I'm improving my life!,...Do ya want me now? Want me now? Do ya? Do ya?". Do you see how that would come across to her. Approval seeking behavor = Bad. Edited September 18, 2018 by PRW

[thatmanstan]

Wow PRW, this is a really interesting reply.

 

I think looking back, I can see how I became less of a man than I was at the start of dating, as obviously she was attracted to me at some point.

 

She isn't at Alpha-Chick as you've pointed out, she has a lot of insecurities and worries she'll be lonely when she moves to her job, but I can see what you mean how she seemed to be more of a leader than me.

 

What about if I spoke less to her, almost like a ratio of 2:1 of her contacting me:me contacting her. Then one day in the future message her a bit more, and try and meet up with her, like when I first got talking to her and dating her?

[PRW]

Wow PRW, this is a really interesting reply.

I try to make guys stop and think things through.

 

I think looking back, I can see how I became less of a man than I was at the start of dating, as obviously she was attracted to me at some point.

 

She isn't at Alpha-Chick as you've pointed out, she has a lot of insecurities and worries she'll be lonely when she moves to her job, but I can see what you mean how she seemed to be more of a leader than me.

 

What about if I spoke less to her, almost like a ratio of 2:1 of her contacting me:me contacting her. Then one day in the future message her a bit more, and try and meet up with her, like when I first got talking to her and dating her?

She's more alpha than you think. The insecurities stuff isn't what you think,...it is just normal feminine energy. She is more normal that you are giving her credit for.

 

Get Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man". It is short and cheap and there is a way to read it for free from his web site. If nothing else go to his YouTube channel and start binge watching some of his videos,...particularly the ones you can search with the key word "friendzone".

[Kelliousme]

Yep.. she's basically telling you she's just not into you anymore. She's not attracted to you physically or mentally, she doesn't want to be with you. Period. So if I were you I'd just move on instead of trying to "reignite" the spark.

[thatmanstan]

I try to make guys stop and think things through.

 

 

She's more alpha than you think. The insecurities stuff isn't what you think,...it is just normal feminine energy. She is more normal that you are giving her credit for.

 

Get Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man". It is short and cheap and there is a way to read it for free from his web site. If nothing else go to his YouTube channel and start binge watching some of his videos,...particularly the ones you can search with the key word "friendzone".

 

So do you recommend never trying with her again in the future? Obviously it's not what my main aim is now I think about it, but maybe 2 months down the line?

[thatmanstan]

When you translate the woman-speak into English this means she doesn't want to get naked and have your babies. The sexual attraction is just gone. If you exhibited a lot of Beta behavors that is usually the primary cause of that, particularly if you started out with her wanting to get naked and have your babies, but now she doesn't.

 

She still got top half naked in front of me when getting changed, she actually did this a lot more over the last few months.

 

I know what you mean, but she is very insecure about her weight, and the very bad eczema that has spread to her face. So she does have more insecurities that a lot of women I've met, even if they are temporary

[Lotsgoingon]

She liked you ... and she appreciated that you were kind about her body image and her insecurities.

 

But as time passed, she realized she didn't feel that raw, primitive attraction that she wanted in romance. I've been in her position (and in your position) and I'll tell you this. The person in her position is always THINKING about this ... You're always wondering if you could be more attracted to someone ... and the issue doesn't go away.

 

Here's a lesson for you. A woman can appreciate that you're a good person, that you're kind, that you're stable ... and that you will treat her well ... and still not be turned on by you. (Same with guys.)

 

One thing you want to be aware of is ... to not lead with your kindness and niceness. In other words, that's a marginally attractive quality ... I mean people want kindness ... but kindness can't ignite the spark.

 

So the general path for guys like you is to build your life to be as rich and fun and cool as you want ... and lead with that ... and then your kindness is an extra asset ... But you don't want to hide behind being nice and kind and all that.

 

So bottom line: no, you can't reignite the spark. It was never really there. She's just being gentle in her wording. Trust me: she's been trying throughout the whole relationship to find the spark. And yes, you can have good sex with someone and still not feel a spark for them.

 

So challenge to you: reflect and think back and find the signs that she wasn't romantically turned on by you. Trust me: there were a thousand such signs. Even the feeling that you were working harder to be nice to her than she was working to be nice to you ... even that ... can be a sign.

 

Here are a few other subtle points.

 

Compliment #1: "you're a great person." "You're a wonderful person"

 

Vs.

 

Compliment #2: "I feel so lucky to be with you." "I'm so happy to be with you."

 

Compliment #1 is something you can say of an uncle ... compliment #1 does not express deep romantic attraction. You want words more along the lines of Compliment #2.

 

Basically you need to mourn the loss ... the rejection ... trying to be friends during this period doesn't work 99 percent of the time.

Edited September 18, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[Juha]

Sorry to hear what happened, look back reflect, mourn and learn.

 

Now do not accept her offer of friendship, tell her it's best if you do not have any contact with her so you can get over her and move forward.

Wish her the best and then delete all social media and contact info.

 

Never contact her again.

 

Learn, mourn, and get over her then date other women

 

I wish you luck

[PRW]

So do you recommend never trying with her again in the future? Obviously it's not what my main aim is now I think about it, but maybe 2 months down the line?

 

 

I would say that you do not initiate contact.

 

She would have to come to you by her own inclination,...if she does.

[kendahke]

If she's at the point where she's trying to turn you into one of her male girlfriends who she talks to about the guy she wants to be with (who isn't you, btw), then that place where you think you can ignite that spark? It's under 5 feet of water. Nothing is going to ignite.

 

You don't want to be her friend: you want to be her man. Don't settle for being her male girlfriend. You will not like it.

[SevenCity]

If she's at the point where she's trying to turn you into one of her male girlfriends who she talks to about the guy she wants to be with (who isn't you, btw), then that place where you think you can ignite that spark? It's under 5 feet of water. Nothing is going to ignite.

 

You don't want to be her friend: you want to be her man. Don't settle for being her male girlfriend. You will not like it.

 

Sound advice. Treat this like a negotiation. State your terms and be willing to walk away and never look back if they are not met.

[thatmanstan]

UPDATE:

 

So I was in London for another interview, and me and my ex decided to meet up for a drink after (she's in central London with the rest of her colleagues for their induction for 3 days).

 

When I arrived at the bar, she introduced me to a few of her new girlfriends (at the time they didn't know I was her ex).

 

So me and my ex start catching up about our lives, drinks are flowing, really good conversation. We talk a tad about the breakup, but nothing serious. I think she could see I've handled it better than she thought, as even I was impressed how my confidence has increased, yet be very relaxed around her. I told her I thought the incompatibility stuff was bull****, and I asked if her moving away triggered anything at all, which she said that it did play a part. She went on to say she still enjoys speaking to me, and I'm very familiar.

 

As the night goes on, I tell her that I'll have to leave soon to catch the last train home (an hour away), but she offers I can sleep on the floor of her hotel room (as her new company has given them their on rooms for the three day induction before moving towards just north of London). Another drink and then I accept the offer.

 

She tells me that she believes that her new girlfriends now know who I am in relationship to her.

 

I go back to hers, we watch a bit of TV. I tell her I'm going to sleep in the bed, she's okay with that. She lays in positions where I can easy get to her chest and reach a hand down her pants. Soon enough we are touching each other and we end up having sex. We sleep for a few hours and in the morning we have sex again. An hour later we have a quick hug. She tells me she hopes I get that job in London. I leave to catch my train home.

[coolheadal]

Been official for just over 6 months, dated for 2. Now split up for 8 days.

 

She's on a three year scheme for a new job (where she's moving to a new city in two weeks time) that could potentially have her move to a different city for each year. I also have interviews for different jobs in that first same city. If one is successful then I'll be nearer to her than I have ever been before. (Our houses were about just under two hours away when we were together).

 

At breakup, she said she saw me more as a friend, that the spark had gone.

 

This is what she said about the differences between me and her:

Different social lives (she knows I had very few friends compared to her many different circles if friends - and I never really got her involved with mine - she said friends are very important to her).

Different families

Different backgrounds

Finds me more sheltered than her

I'm quite romantic

I'm very positive and elaborate a lot on what I say while she is more direct and a bit of a cynic

 

She said she wanted it to work, and thought she met the right person. But she said that as time went on, felt more depended on than she felt she could be dependent. (I read that as she felt I depended on her more than she could depend on me - she had a more enriching life, she could drive while I've only just restarted my lessons, so she was the one in charge really).

 

This is what she said about me:

I was kind, selfless and loving

She really enjoyed our sex when she was still had the spark

I made her feel safe and a great cuddler

I had time for her and always made her feel safe.

 

She says she's ready to be friends if I am, but feels she won't move on for a long time as she suffers with low self-esteem a lot recently, and she wants to focus on her happiness. She's been finding the break up tough. She can't see a romantic connection in the future with me, I asked why, and she said that she can only say how she can expect to feel in the future (who can predict the future though?)

 

My aim is to see if I can reignite a spark with her down the line. I know that I now have to improve myself so where I am happy, putting myself first. Reconnect with friends that I lost connection with while being in this relationship, focus on my health, go to the gym more and gain confidence, and persue my career. But if that means I can reattract her in the process then I'm game to try that, as I've thought, and I truly believe that something can work out. Not because I'm desperate, but because there was a deep connection that I've not had with my previous partners.

 

I am 25 and she is 24. We would spend about 3 nights a week over hers on average. She's only stayed at mine for one night altogether.

 

Do I stay friends? (Some might say that doing that will make myself too available).

Do I cut contact? (Some might say that doing that will make it harder to reconnect in the future with her).

 

Okay she's more about having her buddies around her than she is about having you as her man. So she's friend-zone you. But that's not what you had wanted you wanted more like dating and having a relationship with her. She also told you the spark is gone. If a woman said that to me I would have said see ya! Your sticking around for what? You can do better than her and you shouldn't settle for what she has told you in her yarn about you as a person. She's not interested in you again.

 

You need to stop seeing her and don't spend your money on your friend which is not started up as. Dating is not the same as hanging out as friends only. She pays for her food and etc. You pay for your food an etc. Don't get it twisted.

 

You have your friends you live your own life your happy with it. She's a crowd pleaser. She needs her friends (peeps) around her 24/7 type. You just don't fix into her plan. Is this the way you as a 25 year old man want to live life as with this sort of woman. Your better than her and you know it now go and find someone else who respects you and wants to be with you more than friend. You can do better than her, trust me you can! We men have to stick together when women like her say their yarn at us. Say in a nice way can't be friends you have to many and I am not looking for another friend. Thank you good bye!

 

That right there told her your not wasting your time with her and your in control not her!

[coolheadal]

UPDATE:

 

So I was in London for another interview, and me and my ex decided to meet up for a drink after (she's in central London with the rest of her colleagues for their induction for 3 days).

 

When I arrived at the bar, she introduced me to a few of her new girlfriends (at the time they didn't know I was her ex).

 

So me and my ex start catching up about our lives, drinks are flowing, really good conversation. We talk a tad about the breakup, but nothing serious. I think she could see I've handled it better than she thought, as even I was impressed how my confidence has increased, yet be very relaxed around her. I told her I thought the incompatibility stuff was bull****, and I asked if her moving away triggered anything at all, which she said that it did play a part. She went on to say she still enjoys speaking to me, and I'm very familiar.

 

As the night goes on, I tell her that I'll have to leave soon to catch the last train home (an hour away), but she offers I can sleep on the floor of her hotel room (as her new company has given them their on rooms for the three day induction before moving towards just north of London). Another drink and then I accept the offer.

 

She tells me that she believes that her new girlfriends now know who I am in relationship to her.

 

I go back to hers, we watch a bit of TV. I tell her I'm going to sleep in the bed, she's okay with that. She lays in positions where I can easy get to her chest and reach a hand down her pants. Soon enough we are touching each other and we end up having sex. We sleep for a few hours and in the morning we have sex again. An hour later we have a quick hug. She tells me she hopes I get that job in London. I leave to catch my train home.

 

Well what you did here was being in control and that's what you have to do with such a woman like her. She's a crowd pleaser type you need to be the leader and don't stand-up to her yarn talk to you. She's with you and not with her girl friends. She still living the high school cheer.. Good luck!

[thatmanstan]

Well what you did here was being in control and that's what you have to do with such a woman like her. She's a crowd pleaser type you need to be the leader and don't stand-up to her yarn talk to you. She's with you and not with her girl friends. She still living the high school cheer.. Good luck!

 

What do you recommend I should do from here? Like it felt like we were still together that evening/night.

 

I don't want to become a fwb with her. I was thinking maybe about asking to meet up with her the weekend after next to do something during the day.

 

I just don't want to play games and do the no contact stuff as we enjoy texting. She even said that she's posted stuff on social media to let me know what she's doing with her days.

[Gretchen12]

At this point she's probably thinking, I hope he doesn't think we're back together just because we had sex. So if you reach out to her to "date" her now, the chances of rejection is high because she needs to let you know you're not back together. The friend thing - the dumper also misses the relationship, so having you around as a friend helps her adjust. To get back together, you need to talk and make that decision together.

There are many ways to have a relationship, just like there are many different personalities and different ways of thinking. A lot of wives wear the pants in the household. It works for them. You just be yourself. It is possible to change in the 20's but that's mostly a result of coming into your own. You can't change your birth order or your childhood which often determines the role you play in a relationship.

I don't believe in cutting someone off. Contact is ok if she initiates. So don't block her as people might suggest for no contact. At the same time you need to practice controlling the urge to watch her social media and to contact her.

[thatmanstan]

At this point she's probably thinking, I hope he doesn't think we're back together just because we had sex. So if you reach out to her to "date" her now, the chances of rejection is high because she needs to let you know you're not back together. The friend thing - the dumper also misses the relationship, so having you around as a friend helps her adjust. To get back together, you need to talk and make that decision together.

 

I wasn't even thinking of the whole try to get back in the relationship. The girl I saw yesterday was the one who was happy within the first few months of our relationship, not the one who had thoughts of ending it. She was comfortable, peeing with the door open, being playful, play fighting, watching crap on YouTube, just like old times.

 

She could see that I was more the guy she liked to begin with, in control and assuring things.

 

What I'd like to do is go and do a few things with her, have fun, and see what happens from there. I'm not seeing them as dates but I'm sure people will read this situation and think that it could come across as dates.

 

I think we both aren't sure about how things stand between each other because she doesn't believe in fwb, and fwb is something I don't want in my life now with anyone. I've done that fwb a few times with people in the past but the sex last night with her was more like make-up sex after an argument in a relationship, very passionate.

 

I think we both had a taste of what things could be like if we romantically tried to see each other again now that we have both changed somewhat.

[jjb117]

I understand that you’d like to have her back, but it’s best for you to move forward with your life.

 

It’s going to be incredibly hard, but you have to let go. You have to cut communication, block if you can’t help yourself.

 

Breakups are the worst. You basically have grown to know this person, and thy have essentially become one of your best friends within a short amount of time. In essence, you loved them. So when asked to let go (even when you didn’t want to in the first place) then of course I understand how hard this is going to be.

 

But you must remember she changed the terms of your relationship, and you can’t keep waiting for her to see how great you are. You need to live your own life now, understand what life is like being single again.

 

But trust me, everyday you spend trying to move on, the closer you’ll be to being completely healed. But the same can be said if you choose to wait - you’re holding off on the days from being happy. The more you wait, the more pain you will endure.

 

So do what’s best for you. Choose to be happy. I wish you well man, I know this isn’t easy, but even when I thought it was impossible- I was able to get over my ex. You can as well.

[kendahke]

UPDATE:

 

Until you do land the job in London, I'd let this go. No point in feeding potential disappointment at this stage.

 

Just because you had ex sex doesn't mean that she wants to take back up with her ex. You were there, she was there, you smashed. That's it.

 

Until she says "thatmanstan, I made a huge mistake letting you go. I want to get back together with you and work this out and build a future with you", stop investing in this. She will go along for drinks, laughs and little slap and tickle, but it doesn't mean she wants to put her shoulder to the sled and push.