Thingsfallapart Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 I need some advice. And would appreciate any advice I can get... I’ve been with my girlfriend for one year and our relationship has been pretty good but has also had a few ups and downs and a couple of quick breakups and quick reunions. She is currently in Italy studying abroad for a month and is 5 days into it so far... We have always bickered a little because she can be quite self absorbed sometimes. Or I felt she wasn’t prioritizing me or the relationship. We have improved over time and we get on very well, have a lot in common and have a very good, compatible sex life. However, before she went away, we went abroad together for the first time for 4 days. The trip was good but by the last day I was kind of fed up with her selfishness, or what I perceived as that. For example on the short vacation I paid for EVERYTHING, bought her small gifts and jewelry and souvenirs and made sure she had everything she wanted. However she didn’t buy me anything. Not even a bottle of water. And when I tried to buy myself a gift but couldn’t use my credit card and hinted slightly that it would be a cool gift for her, she still didn’t offer. I told her I didn’t really feel appreciated or I get that there was little reciprocation and she said she would try much harder from now on because she wants a future with me... However, now she is in Italy, she is once again only contacting me when it’s convenient for her and sending superficial little messages about her day... I know she is trying her best, but I’m starting to wonder if I can really see a future with her. Also, she cheated on her ex boyfriend with me which is something she said makes her feel awful and she’d never do again, however I find myself wondering... She promised she’d never betray me but ... I don’t know. I don’t want to spoil her study abroad because it’s a once in a life time opportunity for her so I want her to have a good experience but at the moment I’m really depressed and finding myself slow fading her... I am not even sure if I want to break up because I love her and she loves me but because of all the nagging issues I’m wondering if it’s better to just do the slow fade and let it go... Thanks for any advice Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 18, 2018 Author Share Posted September 18, 2018 She is contacting a lot - only she does it when she is alone or has a lot of free time. Mostly just pics and stuff... She has tried calling me but I was at work so couldn’t answer... She notice that I’m being a lot colder, I think and she will ask but like you have said the last thing I want to do is ruin her time in Italy so I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and have the talk when she gets back. Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Also, she cheated on her ex boyfriend with me which is something she said makes her feel awful and she’d never do again, however I find myself wondering... She promised she’d never betray me but ... I don’t know. Not gf material. You already knew she wasn’t trustworthy from the getgo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 18, 2018 Author Share Posted September 18, 2018 That fact makes me weary and a little insecure but I’m not a believer in once a cheater always a cheater Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 She won’t change. Dump her now and find someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Not gf material. You already knew she wasn’t trustworthy from the getgo. Neither is he though. I agree, if you have been dating for more than a year, she deserves more than the slow fade... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 I give you a lot of credit for knowing yourself. You posted a thread a while back in anticipation of her study abroad knowing it was going to be a problem for you. At the time I didn't know you were already on the break up make up merry go round. That alone is a problem. People who do that have poor conflict resolution skills with each other, the inability to fix things when issues arise & fundamentally belong apart. It's a horrible roller coaster evidencing dysfunction in the relationship. Her cheating on her EX with you does raise the specter of if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Of course that makes this study abroad thing that much more stressful for you. However, if you have trusted her since getting together & she's done nothing other then go away to study try to have some trust. If you were treating her to everything on the vacation & she didn't buy you so much as a bottle of water, that says a lot about her character. She doesn't seem generous of spirit. If somebody took me on vacation, I'd have my wallet out for every meal at least. To me this is the best reason to discontinue the relationship. I hate miserly people. As for when & how often she's contacting you, that one you are wrong on. She's reaching out. You can't expect her to text you every minute. In the presence of others, good manners dictate that she pay attention to the live people in front of her, not her phone. She also shouldn't be bothering about you during class. So power down on this complaint. There are enough bad things in here to justify pulling the trigger & breaking up but have a little class & do it in person not over the phone or by ghosting while she's away. Treat others the way you want to be treated . . .with dignity & compassion. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 She is contacting a lot - only she does it when she is alone or has a lot of free time. Mostly just pics and stuff... I don't understand the issue with this. Would you prefer her to contact you while she is out with her peers? In class? What more do you expect from her when she is abroad? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 That fact makes me weary and a little insecure but I’m not a believer in once a cheater always a cheater The cheating is just a symptom of the big picture though; selfishness. The fact that you are now a couple tells me that she “lined up” her next relationship before she dealt with her previous one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 I don't understand the issue with this. Would you prefer her to contact you while she is out with her peers? In class? What more do you expect from her when she is abroad? I don't quite understand that either. OP, can you clarify? When else would she be contacting you, if not in her free time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 18, 2018 Author Share Posted September 18, 2018 Everyone thank you for your replies... To clarify; I don’t expect her to text me 24/7, but, I don’t know, it annoys me that if she is out with her friends, my texts get ignored and when she is walking home alone, she wants to chat then, until she reaches her door and then she says goodnight. Or the same talking with me until her bus comes. But when I’m free and want to talk it has to be when she hasn’t got anything better to do. If your bf texts you when you’re out with friends, I think a lot of the women here would text back “ hey thanks for your texts, I’m out with the girls at the moment and I’ll call you later” I just get ignored until she is alone... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 18, 2018 Author Share Posted September 18, 2018 Or for example; we can have been having a heated conversation where we are telling each other important stuff and she will disappear to text another friend or something for five minutes at a time... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 18, 2018 Author Share Posted September 18, 2018 Here’s an example, She finished classes 2 hours before so I call her, she misses my call and then calls me back “ sorry I missed your call, I was having lunch with friends, but I’m free now” Am I out of order here? I don’t feel like I’m a priority at all... Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Or for example; we can have been having a heated conversation where we are telling each other important stuff and she will disappear to text another friend or something for five minutes at a time... Here’s an example, She finished classes 2 hours before so I call her, she misses my call and then calls me back “ sorry I missed your call, I was having lunch with friends, but I’m free now” Am I out of order here? I don’t feel like I’m a priority at all... If you're to the point where you're keeping score to this extent, then you need to just pull up your big boy pants and tell her that you no longer want to be with her and move on. She gave you lip service to get you to shut up--she never had any intention to consider your feelings about anything. That's kind of how the cheating rebound partner gets treated sometimes, you know? In the future, if the chick is in a relationship, leave her alone til she's well and out of it. Don't let yourself be a rebound--used as a hand up out of her mess because after she grabs your hand, she steps on your head and moves on to someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Here we go again.....when you have disagreements, breakups, up and downs, and you find her selfish for contacting you when it's convenient, you call her self absorbed....that's not a happy relationship. She makes you unhappy, you question her devotion to you and the relationship because in the back of your mind she may cheat on you too like her last BF. Your gut is telling you something....it's time to get out and find someone more worthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thingsfallapart Posted September 18, 2018 Author Share Posted September 18, 2018 (edited) So should I do the fade out while she is in Italy or break up with her and get it over with even though it’ll ruin her experience and studies in Italy... Or should I give her the benifit of the doubt and keep trying because she is really trying a lot to change and become compatible in areas where we aren’t Edited September 18, 2018 by Thingsfallapart Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 (edited) Yes you are out of order for being annoyed that she paid attention to her lunch companions rather then being rude to them by talking to you. She is a polite person who gives people undivided attention. The phone is never more important then the people in front of you. Part of me wants you to wait to get home to break up with her in person but another part thinks it's OK if you tell her now. That way she can have fun on her trip. Edited September 18, 2018 by d0nnivain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Here’s an example, She finished classes 2 hours before so I call her, she misses my call and then calls me back “ sorry I missed your call, I was having lunch with friends, but I’m free now” Am I out of order here? I don’t feel like I’m a priority at all... Yes, you are out of order to expect her to drop everything to talk to you. Honestly, you seem really smothering from the few examples you've provided. It makes perfect sense that she would text you when she is alone and not when she is out with other people. It doesn't sound like she's leaving you hanging for days or anything. Having to wait five minutes or two hours is not a big deal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 I don't tend to focus on the "other" person who did not write in to the forum. They can't defend themselves, and the OP really can't effectively tell them, "Hey this guy called PRW in this web forum told me to tell you blah, blah, blah. So I almost always focus on the OP. You seem self absorbed to me yourself. The whole post was all about how you feel and how your happiness is determined by how she comes to the table. It sounds like you feel "she owes me". It doesn't matter if it is really true or not, what matters is that is what you are hung up on. I'm trying to get you to self-examine. I can't comment much more on anything else because there just isn't enough information. But I can tell you this,...No one will ever treat you in a way that you in some way aren't inviting them to treat you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PRW Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 So should I do the fade out while she is in Italy or break up with her and get it over with even though it’ll ruin her experience and studies in Italy... What does "fade out" even mean? If she is away she can't see you "fading". It sounds silly, either stay together but see each other less,...or just break up and forget it. Or should I give her the benifit of the doubt and keep trying because she is really trying a lot to change and become compatible in areas where we aren’tBut what are you trying to do to be more compatible? It sounds like you are the one who has all the problems with the "relationship" condition. She seems perfectly content being away from you for a month, doing her her studies, spending time with people while she is there,...without needing to text you all the time. Anything else I say will just be repeating what the others have said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 I think you're being very unreasonable by expecting her to call when it is inconvenient. If I'm out with friends, I probably won't even hear my phone and its sitting in the bottom of my bag anyway. Seems like fairly typical behaviour to me. It makes me wonder why something like that has made you have what I think seems to be a disproportionate reaction. I understand that you're insecure because she cheated on her ex. But has she given you any further reasons not to trust her? Why do you feel like you're not a priority? It seems like you're ticked off that she has left you to study abroad and some frustration is coming out because she won't constantly text you. Why are you staring at your phone waiting? I think you need to think a little more about what you're feeling and why, but without blaming her for everything. Don't do anything too rash. Definitely do NOT slow fade. She will sense something is wrong and it will cause more pain. You're either in or you're out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Yes, you're out of order, OP, and about to create what you fear most. Your last thread made it pretty clear you were about to sabotage your relationship, and here we are. Your choice but I think you're being unreasonable - and if you choose the "fade out", disrespectful too. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 That fact makes me weary and a little insecure but I’m not a believer in once a cheater always a cheater I agree with this. However, she will be seriously tested in Italy, just saying. And if she is acting colder than usually it's a serious possibility that it's already happened. About breaking up. I would do it directly (over the phone or in person) after a year you should man up and do that. I don't think you need to wait until she is back. IMO the relationship has run it's course. doesn't help that she is selfish & self-absorbed--in fact, those would be top reasons to not waste more time on her. It's your life. you deserve better. Good luck ps: has it occurred to you that being selfish and self-absorbed are character traits? Those are pretty set things>>>>and the kind of things that encourage a person to cheat again. They can justify a lot in their heads. Link to post Share on other sites
SteadyPace Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 So should I do the fade out while she is in Italy or break up with her and get it over with even though it’ll ruin her experience and studies in Italy... Or should I give her the benifit of the doubt and keep trying because she is really trying a lot to change and become compatible in areas where we aren’t Why the fade out? I can never understand the whole fade out thing.. it just prolongs the inevitable.. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Why the fade out? I can never understand the whole fade out thing.. it just prolongs the inevitable.. My guess is that he would be doing it passive-aggressively in order to get a reaction from her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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