Trying to date again

[DeusX]

So I got divorced a few years ago and didn't date for about 3 years to get myself together. I finally met this lady online. We've been talking for about a month and just recently met. What started off as a fairly quick meet and greet over lunch went on to talking for the next several hours at the lake. We parted and she gave me a hug. Text me later saying she felt like I wanted to kiss her and added in that she was only thinking of a hug. I admitted that it crossed my mind while adding that I'm not looking to move too fast. She's aware that I like her and we are meeting up again this coming weekend. I have no idea what we will be doing this time yet but I'll figure it out. We've talked to a great extent about relationships early on and she's in kind of place where she's undecided if she feels like she can actually get into a relationship right now. We literally talk from the time we get up till the time we go to sleep over text. My question is, I'm totally out of the loop on all this dating stuff, so if anyone has any advice on how to really woo this lady I'd be open to hearing it. Thanks

[Lotsgoingon]

She likes you ... as a friend.

 

But she doesn't want you to try to kiss her, and she's heading off what she sensed was your romantic interest.

 

Connect with her if you can hang with being a friend ... or if she helps with your dating confidence. She might say good words about you and introduce you to venues where you can meet other women and so on ... But move on ...

 

She doesn't want to date you and that conclusion almost never changes.

[d0nnivain]

When somebody says things like they don't know if they are "ready for a relationship" in your head you need to add in the unspoken phrase "with you." If she was into you, she would have been open to a kiss & she would not be hesitating.

 

Do go on the next date with her. Stop the all day texting. She wants an electronic pen pal not a BF. Make a date with another woman.

[LauraXX]

I don't agree with the others It usually takes me at least two dates to figure out if I'm romantically interested in a guy. And I almost never kiss on the first date.

 

 

It does happen that I match with guys (on Tinder) and when I meet them I realize that there is no chemistry at all. Things like that don't change after a 2nd or 3rd date so I would never agree to going out with them again. But this woman does want to see you again, so in my view everything is still open

 

 

 

Even with the guy I'm currently obsessing over (different thread) we didn't kiss on the first date (even though we had a fantastic time). There was an awkward hug/half-kiss situation but I turned away, because I really wasn't sure if I just liked him or was attracted by him. I definitely knew how I felt about him after the 2nd date though. It just takes some people a bit longer I guess.

[alphamale]

you're in the dreaded friends zone. move on

[PRW]

I'm going to focus on how certain things make you appear. It doesn't mean you actually are that way, but certain choices and behavor will certainly make you look bad and give her the wrong impression.

 

So I got divorced a few years ago and didn't date for about 3 years to get myself together. I finally met this lady online. We've been talking for about a month and just recently met.

 

You took way too long to pull the trigger on setting a date. It makes you look weak and indecisive. Being married for years makes a guy "soft/weak" with women, particularly if they let their wife dominate them, but it still can do that even if she wasn't dominate.

 

What started off as a fairly quick meet and greet over lunch went on to talking for the next several hours at the lake.

Way too long for a first date. It should only be a couple hours or less. You need to be leaving while she still wants to see more of you. That is part of how anticipation is built for the next date.

 

We parted and she gave me a hug. Text me later saying she felt like I wanted to kiss her and added in that she was only thinking of a hug. I admitted that it crossed my mind while adding that I'm not looking to move too fast.

You should have not been apologetic and should not really even referenced that. You should have ignored her comment about that and refocused the subject to how you had a great time with her.

 

She's aware that I like her and we are meeting up again this coming weekend. I have no idea what we will be doing this time yet but I'll figure it out.

You need to get an idea and be the leader, not the follower. It is up to you to determine where, when, and the time. If you pick a time that is a problem she will either counter offer or she will alter her calendar to accommodate you and she probably wouldn't tell you if she did that.

 

We've talked to a great extent about relationships early on and she's in kind of place

Never do that again. Never bring up the "R" word, the "L" word, or any kind of "labels".

 

where she's undecided if she feels like she can actually get into a relationship right now.

No kidding!!! You scared the crap out of her with the above stuff. When you translate the Woman-Speak into English she is saying, "Back off and cool it down, I barely know you right now."

 

We literally talk from the time we get up till the time we go to sleep over text.

Stop doing that. That is the worsed thing you can possibly do next to bringing up relationships on the first date. The phone is for setting dates, it is not for "getting to know someone". The purpose of the date is to "get to know each other". You are short circuiting the purpose of the date.

 

My question is, I'm totally out of the loop on all this dating stuff, so if anyone has any advice on how to really woo this lady I'd be open to hearing it. Thanks

You most certainly are, you are trying to date like this is the 1950's. But it is somewhat understandable for someone coming out of a recent marriage where their last dating experience was back before they met their wife.

 

I would strongly recommend Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man".

[mortensorchid]

Yes, I agree you have been friendzoned by this woman. It's not a big deal, she's just another one of many you have gone through no doubt. Just move on.

[PRW]

Yes, I agree you have been friendzoned by this woman. It's not a big deal, she's just another one of many you have gone through no doubt. Just move on.

He hasn't yet, but he is headed there. When he is actually friendzoned she will just come out and say it.

 

He has only had one date. It is salvageable but it may not be easy.

Edited September 18, 2018 by PRW

[DeusX]

I'm going to focus on how certain things make you appear. It doesn't mean you actually are that way, but certain choices and behavor will certainly make you look bad and give her the wrong impression.

 

 

 

You took way too long to pull the trigger on setting a date. It makes you look weak and indecisive. Being married for years makes a guy "soft/weak" with women, particularly if they let their wife dominate them, but it still can do that even if she wasn't dominate.

 

Way too long for a first date. It should only be a couple hours or less. You need to be leaving while she still wants to see more of you. That is part of how anticipation is built for the next date.

 

You should have not been apologetic and should not really even referenced that. You should have ignored her comment about that and refocused the subject to how you had a great time with her.

 

You need to get an idea and be the leader, not the follower. It is up to you to determine where, when, and the time. If you pick a time that is a problem she will either counter offer or she will alter her calendar to accommodate you and she probably wouldn't tell you if she did that.

 

Never do that again. Never bring up the "R" word, the "L" word, or any kind of "labels".

 

No kidding!!! You scared the crap out of her with the above stuff. When you translate the Woman-Speak into English she is saying, "Back off and cool it down, I barely know you right now."

 

Stop doing that. That is the worsed thing you can possibly do next to bringing up relationships on the first date. The phone is for setting dates, it is not for "getting to know someone". The purpose of the date is to "get to know each other". You are short circuiting the purpose of the date.

 

You most certainly are, you are trying to date like this is the 1950's. But it is somewhat understandable for someone coming out of a recent marriage where their last dating experience was back before they met their wife.

 

I would strongly recommend Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man".

 

 

While definitely not disputing what you're saying and thanks for the response btw. I'll clarify on some areas. I'm saying this knowing full well I may well be n the friendzone or close to it.

 

 

It wasn't me that took a long time to pull the trigger. I suggested meeting up within a couple of weeks. I will agree that I'm "weak" with women. I'm more of the sensitive type than the alpha male.

 

 

 

I don't feel like I was apologetic about the thought crossing my mind. I felt like I was simply being honest while letting her know that I'm not one of those guys who tries to move onto a woman right off the bat.

 

 

 

When I told her I'd like to see her again and suggested this coming weekend she openly said she would clear anything she had going.

 

 

 

I didn't bring up the relationship talk. I was trying not to bring it up but a couple days after we started talking she met up with some other guy who tried to force himself onto her. It was at that point she mentioned she wasn't sure she was ready for a relationship.

 

 

 

I actually dived into my work today and the amount of texts she sent me doubled lol

[PRW]

I suggested meeting up within a couple of weeks. I will agree that I'm "weak" with women. I'm more of the sensitive type than the alpha male.

That's fine, but don't suggest dates. You want to "offer" dates with a specific day, time, place. You are inviting her to spend time with you,...not you asking for an opportunity to spend time with her. It is a frame of mind I am trying to communicate.

 

Alpha doesn't have anything to do with sensitivity. It is about leadership. There are a half a dozen personality types. Alpha and Beta are just two of them. I am an Omega. Alpha and Omega are nearly the same except Alpha is based on Extroversion and the Omega is based on Introversion. But in any case you may need to become less "sensitive".

 

I don't feel like I was apologetic about the thought crossing my mind. I felt like I was simply being honest while letting her know that I'm not one of those guys who tries to move onto a woman right off the bat.

You were still defending/justifying/clarifying your action. It will work against you in her emotions.

 

When I told her I'd like to see her again and suggested this coming weekend she openly said she would clear anything she had going.

She's still taking it easy on you,...you are the "new thing",...but the newness will wear off. Offer specific dates (date/time/place). She wants you to take her on an adventure,...not help plan the adventure.

 

I actually dived into my work today and the amount of texts she sent me doubled lol

Then you aren't friend zoned yet. Don't exceed her text rate. Always be slightly less, but always respond and do so cheerfully. Never ignore her. If she initiates the texts that is good, but always initiate a little less than she does. I think you both text too much and it will mess things up, but you both have already started a "pattern" and changing that pattern will probably have to be done carefully.

[RedHead5]

Then you aren't friend zoned yet. Don't exceed her text rate. Always be slightly less, but always respond and do so cheerfully. Never ignore her. If she initiates the texts that is good, but always initiate a little less than she does. I think you both text too much and it will mess things up, but you both have already started a "pattern" and changing that pattern will probably have to be done carefully.

 

You and I would never be able to text. It would be dead air. I always wait for the man to initiate.

 

But anyway, I agree all day texting is lame. When I first started dating again there were these guys just wanted to text all day and night. I put up with it in the beginning because I didn't know any better but I eventually put in my bio, not looking for a pen pal.

 

I look for an interesting (read:funny) convo, and like to be asked out within maybe a week, tops? If the chemistry was there in the convo I like to check it out in person. I'm not trying to waste my time chatting for weeks to meet someone and it flops, I value my time.

 

The guy I am seeing now I thought was never going to ask me out but I gave one last attempt at dropping a hint and then I was going to stop talking to him and he finally did. Took about a week and 3-4 convos, I think that sounds about right. We didnt text on some of those days during the week, obviously and I appreciated that he would skip days.

[mortensorchid]

Dating in general really does suck no matter what your circumstances or history is or is not. I've had a black cloud hanging over me for a few years now (others on this forum have pointed it out when I post on things), I realize I have to get out from under it. But ... It doesn't seem to happen. I guess we can only hope that someday, somehow it too can happen to you.

[DeusX]

Dating in general really does suck no matter what your circumstances or history is or is not. I've had a black cloud hanging over me for a few years now (others on this forum have pointed it out when I post on things), I realize I have to get out from under it. But ... It doesn't seem to happen. I guess we can only hope that someday, somehow it too can happen to you.

 

 

Sorry you have that hanging over you. I do hope that it gets better. I understand though. My bad luck has become a bit of a joke within my group of friends.

[DeusX]

Then you aren't friend zoned yet. Don't exceed her text rate. Always be slightly less, but always respond and do so cheerfully. Never ignore her. If she initiates the texts that is good, but always initiate a little less than she does. I think you both text too much and it will mess things up, but you both have already started a "pattern" and changing that pattern will probably have to be done carefully.

 

You and I would never be able to text. It would be dead air. I always wait for the man to initiate.

 

But anyway, I agree all day texting is lame. When I first started dating again there were these guys just wanted to text all day and night. I put up with it in the beginning because I didn't know any better but I eventually put in my bio, not looking for a pen pal.

 

I look for an interesting (read:funny) convo, and like to be asked out within maybe a week, tops? If the chemistry was there in the convo I like to check it out in person. I'm not trying to waste my time chatting for weeks to meet someone and it flops, I value my time.

 

The guy I am seeing now I thought was never going to ask me out but I gave one last attempt at dropping a hint and then I was going to stop talking to him and he finally did. Took about a week and 3-4 convos, I think that sounds about right. We didnt text on some of those days during the week, obviously and I appreciated that he would skip days.

 

 

The whole online dating world is new and quite honestly kind of weird with some of the people I've talked to on there. I just have to be really careful because I have a tendency to draw people with the most problems to me.

 

 

 

While we may text too much (I won't argue that) on a normal day she initiates the conversation. Her work day starts earlier than mine.

[DeusX]

He hasn't yet, but he is headed there. When he is actually friendzoned she will just come out and say it.

 

He has only had one date. It is salvageable but it may not be easy.

 

 

I did find the book you recommended btw on kindle. Going to start reading it today.

[PRW]

You and I would never be able to text. It would be dead air. I always wait for the man to initiate.

 

You don't have to sit around and wait for one or the other to "blink" first. My real point is that when two people are not boyfriend/girlfriend and are, or at least should, be also seeing other people, it doesn't make logical sense to be texting and chit-chatting all the time. Once they are in an exclusive relationship with each other then that is different, but even then it is a good idea to "save it for the date".

 

But anyway, I agree all day texting is lame. When I first started dating again there were these guys just wanted to text all day and night. I put up with it in the beginning because I didn't know any better but I eventually put in my bio, not looking for a pen pal.

Yep, those are the needy guys that need ongoing validation to be assured that you have not "forgotten about them". It is a sad state of affairs. Women can have the same problem but in general women show a little more control in that. Guys who are confident and "have lives", moving their lives forward with their occupation, not living in their mom's basement,...will just make the date, and will see you when they get there,...then you's can talk on the date till your lips fall off. They don't need constant validation. I don't mean this in an arrogant way, but they understand that they have value and that they are asking a woman to come spend time with them, rather than pedestalize the woman and hoping against hope that she will let them grace her with their presents.

 

I look for an interesting (read:funny) convo, and like to be asked out within maybe a week, tops? If the chemistry was there in the convo I like to check it out in person. I'm not trying to waste my time chatting for weeks to meet someone and it flops, I value my time.

Yes, you have the right idea. You are almost describing my exact outline that I give guys for the early dating period before they become exclusive. Date once a week at first, don't do a bunch of chit-chatting between date (save it for the date), keep conversations light hearted and fun. Let the process grow more naturally.

[Lotsgoingon]

Casually ask her out again.

 

The text energy she is showing ... indicates that she may have changed her mind about her interest in you ...

 

Casually ... go out ...

[RedHead5]

You and I would never be able to text. It would be dead air. I always wait for the man to initiate.

 

But anyway, I agree all day texting is lame. When I first started dating again there were these guys just wanted to text all day and night. I put up with it in the beginning because I didn't know any better but I eventually put in my bio, not looking for a pen pal.

 

I look for an interesting (read:funny) convo, and like to be asked out within maybe a week, tops? If the chemistry was there in the convo I like to check it out in person. I'm not trying to waste my time chatting for weeks to meet someone and it flops, I value my time.

 

The guy I am seeing now I thought was never going to ask me out but I gave one last attempt at dropping a hint and then I was going to stop talking to him and he finally did. Took about a week and 3-4 convos, I think that sounds about right. We didnt text on some of those days during the week, obviously and I appreciated that he would skip days.

 

 

The whole online dating world is new and quite honestly kind of weird with some of the people I've talked to on there. I just have to be really careful because I have a tendency to draw people with the most problems to me.

 

 

 

While we may text too much (I won't argue that) on a normal day she initiates the conversation. Her work day starts earlier than mine.

 

Online dating definitely has a learning curve. My guy and I text daily. Usually once in the morning/afternoon/evening with 1-2 interchanges and once at night with 1-2 interchanges. We are probably weird as we never do good morning/good night texts. I don't want to get that started personally. Texts are usually just checking in like what we are doing at the time or something. On days we see each other the only text may be what time will you be home or I'm on my way lol.

[DeusX]

For anyone that may be interested I have updates

 

 

Cut back on the amount of texting we were doing which seemed to help out a lot as far as opening her up more about what she was feeling towards me. We were having a total different conversation when she randomly changed the subject to talking about how much she actually does like me. We went out last night. Got the kiss and she's asking when we can get together again. So overall,not a bad week

[alphamale]

For anyone that may be interested I have updates

 

 

Cut back on the amount of texting we were doing which seemed to help out a lot as far as opening her up more about what she was feeling towards me. We were having a total different conversation when she randomly changed the subject to talking about how much she actually does like me. We went out last night. Got the kiss and she's asking when we can get together again. So overall,not a bad week

 

good for you DeusX

[PRW]

For anyone that may be interested I have updates

Cut back on the amount of texting we were doing which seemed to help out a lot as far as opening her up more about what she was feeling towards me. We were having a total different conversation when she randomly changed the subject to talking about how much she actually does like me. We went out last night. Got the kiss and she's asking when we can get together again. So overall,not a bad week

Did that book have anything to do with that?

[DeusX]

Did that book have anything to do with that?

 

 

I'm still reading it but I would say yes. Especially the parts where he's talking about a woman wanting a man to sort of give direction and not be walked over. As well as choosing how I word things better so I don't come off less confident. I remember reading the body language signs which was helpful as well. Not being as available. Instead of answering a text right away I'll often times let a little time pass so she has to wonder what I'm doing. Which felt unnatural because I'm very punctual.

[PRW]

I'm still reading it but I would say yes. Especially the parts where he's talking about a woman wanting a man to sort of give direction and not be walked over. As well as choosing how I word things better so I don't come off less confident. I remember reading the body language signs which was helpful as well. Not being as available. Instead of answering a text right away I'll often times let a little time pass so she has to wonder what I'm doing. Which felt unnatural because I'm very punctual.

 

Yea, that is the key to the book really. Although the intentional "waiting to reply" to a text comes off as fake after a while. I went back to replying when I noticed a text and it hasn't been a problem. There is a difference between "fake waiting" and waiting because it is justified.

[DeusX]

Yea, that is the key to the book really. Although the intentional "waiting to reply" to a text comes off as fake after a while. I went back to replying when I noticed a text and it hasn't been a problem. There is a difference between "fake waiting" and waiting because it is justified.

 

 

I figure I will as well before long. Right now though just trying to keep her curiosity up some. Which considering some of the rather sexual tones the past couple of days something is working.

[rightondude]

good for you brother.

 

Now some advice from me: don't slip up. I'll get 3-4 dates in, maybe have sex, then notice I'll start sliding on my coolness and they end up running off or ghosting. Texting too much. Being too eager. Stay cool brother.