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3 Months and Relationship Anxiety


RedHead5

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So I am nearing 3 months with a guy. Great guy, very good to me. Texts back fast, we like the same things (music, movies, etc.), similar sense of humor, takes an interest in getting to know my kids, sexually compatible.

 

I keep getting anxious about being in a relationship. We had the boyfriend girlfriend talk last week and ended up spending alot more time together this week. Nothing bad happened but I suddenly want my space.

 

I'm freaking out about trusting someone again I think. Or trusting myself that I am even able to make a good decision about a relationship. I got really burnt in my last marriage. I trusted him completely and he was talking to girls behind my back. I used to think that he did everything right too. I was blindsided.

 

He has a girl from high school staying with him this week. (We are both around 40.) He has done everything in his power to make me feel comfortable about it although I have not said anything negative about it. It was planned before me, there is a concert and she had bought a plane ticket. He got me a ticket to the concert and expects me to come stay with them at least one of the nights plus the night of the concert. He makes comments about her to put me at ease, but that is where I lose my confidence because I clearly remember my ex telling me how ugly the girl he got caught with was when I questioned a text message. I am having a hard time trusting my own judgement, if that makes sense.

 

So I'm not freaking out about it to him because I also figure if he were a cheater, I'd rather give him the proverbial rope to hang himself and cut my losses. But how would I ever even know? It's like I want to trust him but I feel like there are no guarantees in life.

 

So, anybody else go through this as far as the relationship anxiety, have some advice? I'm almost terrified of a relationship.

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Dear if you are so terrified of a relationship, why are you in one? Obviously you are not ready. And with this woman staying at his place you don't even know, and he conveniently asked for exclusivity just before her arrival, is causing you so much anxiety...is that healthy for you? No. You are wanting space, feeling smothered, feeling anxious....consider not dating anymore and focus on just friendships instead, until you regain confidence in people.

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Dear if you are so terrified of a relationship, why are you in one? Obviously you are not ready. And with this woman staying at his place you don't even know, and he conveniently asked for exclusivity just before her arrival, is causing you so much anxiety...is that healthy for you? No. You are wanting space, feeling smothered, feeling anxious....consider not dating anymore and focus on just friendships instead, until you regain confidence in people.

 

We have been exclusive way before the boyfriend girlfriend talk. We discussed exclusivity around 3 weeks maybe? Think both of us are a little skittish about labels. His last relationship was for 15 years and she cheated on him repeatedly. He has some scars too.

 

And I don't blame him for the smothered feeling. I planned most of the days, but we just doubled our face to face time this week and it was a bit overwhelming. He texts often but not too often when we are apart. He is very chill about this stuff like me.

 

I'm still not even ready to claim him on Facebook lol. I almost decided to push the Facebook issue before this girl arrived but decided I shouldn't do that if I'm just trying to claim my territory if I'm not actually ready to go public.

 

I never intended to get in a relationship. He is just cool asf and it has turned into this. I hate to let someone go just because I can't trust. I'm just trying to go slowly.

 

I have such a good time with him and I feel like I can be myself entirely. He does everything right. I just need to figure out how to trust I'm not going to be blindsided again.

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Well if he had any decency he would have put her up in a hotel instead out of respect for his relationship with you.

 

 

I think once this girl is gone the facetime and that will taper off...he is over compensating because of this girl being there.

Edited by smackie9
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If he's inviting you to be over while this friend is in town, he's not cheating on you with her. People have friends sometimes. Now, you should go over and meet her since he offered, and you can detect if she has a thing for him -- but even if she does, he isn't planning on sleeping with her or he wouldn't have opened his door to you while she's there.

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Well if he had any decency he would have put her up in a hotel instead out of respect for his relationship with you.

 

 

I think once this girl is gone the facetime and that will taper off...he is over compensating because of this girl being there.

 

Why would he overcompensate just to taper off after she leaves? If that's the case why would he bother? And most of the extra time was initiated by me so I'm not sure that's an issue. He has been very steady and consistent with communication and time spent together and it has mostly been at my pace. He has NEVER made me feel anxious about how he feels about me. I really don't think this is about him. It's about me learning to get over it and trust someone.

 

And I never voiced her staying to be an issue so no reason for him to put her in a hotel imo.

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If he's inviting you to be over while this friend is in town, he's not cheating on you with her. People have friends sometimes. Now, you should go over and meet her since he offered, and you can detect if she has a thing for him -- but even if she does, he isn't planning on sleeping with her or he wouldn't have opened his door to you while she's there.

 

That's kinda how I felt and kinda what my plan was. I told him last night I wasn't sure how much I could stay the night this week for other reasons and he looked a little bit like wtf and encouraged me to stay. That's the kind of stuff I mean when I say he has put me at ease. He is really a good guy and hasn't given me a reason to suspect him besides my own imagination and fears.

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I think it speaks volumes about his integrity and respect for you in trying to include you by inviting you to stay over while she’s there. I obviously don’t know him nor do I have a crystal ball, but I seriously doubt there’s anything romantic, intended or otherwise, between the two of them. If he didn’t invite you over, then I’d be concerned. I have many female friends who I’ve never been romantically involved with and I was grateful for their perspective when I was separated, divorcing and even now that I’m dating.

 

As far as getting anxious about the relationship being more serious or committed, why not talk about it?!?! It doesn’t have to be an all or none proposition. If he’s as easy going as you say and a good guy, and genuinely likes you, he’d probably be fine with slowing things down a bit.

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Ummmm...why does he have a teenage girl at his house?

 

Anyone else think that's weird or is it just me?

 

Lol no no no. It's a female he went to school with. She is his age.

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He literally just texted me and told me that the two of them have been talking about me. See how he does?

 

He is a good guy. I want to trust him. Honestly, my anxiety is not just about now and this girl. It's when the relationship gets comfortable and complacency sets in. It's easy not to cheat in the beginning I think because you are so wrapped up in each other.

 

Her being there is probably what stirred things up today and prompted me to come type here because I needed to get it off my chest but I didn't want to take it out on him.

 

I took smackies advice and got some crap done today that I have been meaning to do for awhile. I stayed busy.

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That woman does not HAVE to stay with him. When she made plans, he was single, now he is not. He should put her up in a hotel, or have you come stay with them the whole time, or let her stay in his house and he goes to stay with you.

I don't think it's about your trust issues. In fact, if I was that woman and I have no intention of sleeping with a guy with a girlfriend, I'd make sure I don't put myself in a situation where people might think I could have slept with him.

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That woman does not HAVE to stay with him. When she made plans, he was single, now he is not. He should put her up in a hotel, or have you come stay with them the whole time, or let her stay in his house and he goes to stay with you.

I don't think it's about your trust issues. In fact, if I was that woman and I have no intention of sleeping with a guy with a girlfriend, I'd make sure I don't put myself in a situation where people might think I could have slept with him.

 

It's not quite that simple. We both have kids, live in different towns 25 min apart. Kids have school and we both have work in our respective towns. He would definitely let me stay there the whole time if it were feasible. I don't doubt that for a second.

 

I am staying two of the 4 nights she is there at this point.

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That woman does not HAVE to stay with him. When she made plans, he was single, now he is not. He should put her up in a hotel, or have you come stay with them the whole time, or let her stay in his house and he goes to stay with you.

I don't think it's about your trust issues. In fact, if I was that woman and I have no intention of sleeping with a guy with a girlfriend, I'd make sure I don't put myself in a situation where people might think I could have slept with him.

 

Oh and I doubt she knew he had a girlfriend until today. We haven't went public about our relationship yet, just close friends know at this point. Heck I haven't even told my mom.

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I can only speak from experience but my ex was the same way. We were very open in our relationship and she expressed similar feelings.

 

I put the pieces together and it made sense. No one, other than her mother, had remained consistently in her life. She had been in one “relationship” which only lasted a month. They ended abruptly because she had been sexually assaulted and her boyfriend at the time basically accused her of cheating. She had also moved numerous times in her life, so she hadn’t had a long lasting friendship.

 

So she came to me and warned me that she was broken, dysfunctional, difficult, etc. I took this as a red flag, but I stayed. At the time I didn’t but I eventually loved this woman with all my heart. I cared for her with tenderness and care and even though we had clear discrepancies in the relationship, I showed her what true love is. Yes, we’re not together but we’re friends now (took a year of NC for that to happen) and she had told me I played a major role in her mental health & growth.

 

What I’m trying to say is, he honest with him. Don’t hide it. Yes, you risk losing him, but with no trust and communication, how strong is your relationship really? I can’t promise he’ll react the same way I did, we’re all different, but you are justified in feeling this way.

 

I will say this, and I told this to my ex too eventually.

 

Love like you’ve never been hurt before. Don’t let the actions of people change who you are. You are great, amazing honestly, and you deserve to be happy. So love with all your heart. Yes, there’s always the risk of getting hurt, but that’s what makes this whole thing worthwhile.

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I can only speak from experience but my ex was the same way. We were very open in our relationship and she expressed similar feelings.

 

I put the pieces together and it made sense. No one, other than her mother, had remained consistently in her life. She had been in one “relationship” which only lasted a month. They ended abruptly because she had been sexually assaulted and her boyfriend at the time basically accused her of cheating. She had also moved numerous times in her life, so she hadn’t had a long lasting friendship.

 

So she came to me and warned me that she was broken, dysfunctional, difficult, etc. I took this as a red flag, but I stayed. At the time I didn’t but I eventually loved this woman with all my heart. I cared for her with tenderness and care and even though we had clear discrepancies in the relationship, I showed her what true love is. Yes, we’re not together but we’re friends now (took a year of NC for that to happen) and she had told me I played a major role in her mental health & growth.

 

What I’m trying to say is, he honest with him. Don’t hide it. Yes, you risk losing him, but with no trust and communication, how strong is your relationship really? I can’t promise he’ll react the same way I did, we’re all different, but you are justified in feeling this way.

 

I will say this, and I told this to my ex too eventually.

 

Love like you’ve never been hurt before. Don’t let the actions of people change who you are. You are great, amazing honestly, and you deserve to be happy. So love with all your heart. Yes, there’s always the risk of getting hurt, but that’s what makes this whole thing worthwhile.

 

Thank you. This answer gave me some feels.

 

He knows I have some emotional unavailablity issues. Heck, it literally said that in my dating profile and he still matched with me. And we talked about it once since then. We have had a few uncomfortable talks, neither of us are good with emotions but he always makes me feel safe.

 

I could possibly see myself telling him I got a little jealous but I don't think much needs to be said past that. Because I don't think he is being dishonest. And I don't think he is going to mess around with her.

 

I'll let you guys know how it goes when I meet her lol

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If he's trying to bring you around him, and wants all 3 of you to go to a concert together there's probably nothing there. Men who cheat wouldn't put their GF and their side piece in the same place simultaneously.

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Thank you. This answer gave me some feels.

 

He knows I have some emotional unavailablity issues. Heck, it literally said that in my dating profile and he still matched with me. And we talked about it once since then. We have had a few uncomfortable talks, neither of us are good with emotions but he always makes me feel safe.

 

I could possibly see myself telling him I got a little jealous but I don't think much needs to be said past that. Because I don't think he is being dishonest. And I don't think he is going to mess around with her.

 

I'll let you guys know how it goes when I meet her lol

 

Yes, please let us know how it goes.

 

But please, go in with an open mind and more importantly, have fun as well.

 

I think all of us in this forum wish you well.

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So I went over there last night and met her. I figured she would be nervous meeting me as well and I did pick up on that a little. When I got there he was cooking dinner and she was on her iPad on the couch. I said hi to him then went straight and introduced myself and chatted with her a bit.

 

Things went well until they were telling about all the fun they had Sunday night and I got bit by the jealousy bug. Then I started over analyzing and got myself all worked up.

 

So backstory before I tell the rest of this - my daughter got in trouble for having a boy over while I was gone one night. My younger daughter texted me and said the boy was there and I had to deal with that last night as well.

 

So here I am all anxious about the house guest and trying to listen for inconsistencies in what he has been texting me and their stories. She went on to bed and we stayed up a bit. He could tell something was wrong and said you seem mad. Or irritated. I said yeah maybe a little irritated.

 

We head to bed, he made another comment about my deameanor. I confirm, he says "I dont know what to tell you". So I'm getting more anxious. (Wait for it before you get mad at him.)

 

He turns out the lights and lays down and we start to talk about it a little bit.

 

Me: I don't want to be mad (talking about being jealous)

Him: What are you going to do about the concert tomorrow?

Me: What do you mean?

Him: What if she does it again?

Me: Does what? (Confuseddddd)

Him: Brings someone in the house. (Referring to daughter situation.)

Long Pause.

Me:I think we are talking about two different things. (OMG!)

 

So that was embarrassing. And then I told him I was jealous. He had no idea. He wasn't mad. I point blank asked a few questions to ease my mind and he answered very clearly.

 

Guys it was so far from his mind that I had anything to be jealous about that he didn't even realize that was what was bothering me even though he could tell something was wrong. And I told you his has been very upfront and communicative. I need to get over my trust issues. And I told him that. He said it was natural and he understood.

 

It's good I got it off my chest. Probably also good he knows I got a little jealous and that I actually care. And that I was about to handle my jealous without being bat**** crazy.

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Good guys do not invite female high school friends to sleep over on weekends while in relationships, period. No exceptions. I am not the jealous type, not one bit, but something like this would be totally inappropriate in my world.

 

Listen, women who've been cheated on have an unconscious habit of picking cheaters again. You are so afraid of appearing unreasonable and jealous to him that you let go of things no stable woman would let go. I do not know 1 woman that would be ok with what this guy is doing.

 

On top of that! this guy knows you've been burnt and his way of making you at ease is to welcome women over his place?? and she cooks for him etc etc??

 

You don't suffer relationship anxiety! You're simply with the wrong man!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Good guys do not invite female high school friends to sleep over on weekends while in relationships, period. No exceptions. I am not the jealous type, not one bit, but something like this would be totally inappropriate in my world.

 

Listen, women who've been cheated on have an unconscious habit of picking cheaters again. You are so afraid of appearing unreasonable and jealous to him that you let go of things no stable woman would let go. I do not know 1 woman that would be ok with what this guy is doing.

 

On top of that! this guy knows you've been burnt and his way of making you at ease is to welcome women over his place?? and she cooks for him etc etc??

 

You don't suffer relationship anxiety! You're simply with the wrong man!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I never said she was cooking for him?

 

Why is it that the females are outraged by this but the males are not?

 

Are there any females that think this is okay and/or males who think this is an issue?

 

She is a friend he hasn't seen in 20 years, the concert is on her birthday. He gets free tickets to concerts all the time. They didn't date back then, in fact she dated his brother.

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Also, according to him, she kind of invited herself. He didn't think she was serious and she sent him a pic of a plane ticket.

 

And I also know for a fact he has tons of vacation time he needs to use up but worked all day everyday she was there, and did other things after so he was out of the house like 12 hours a day.

 

I really don't think he messed around with her....

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Why is it that the females are outraged by this but the males are not?

 

Are there any females that think this is okay and/or males who think this is an issue?

 

She is a friend he hasn't seen in 20 years, the concert is on her birthday. He gets free tickets to concerts all the time. They didn't date back then, in fact she dated his brother.

 

 

You thinking this is OK is why you will have a history of being cheated on. He is 40 years old for goodness sake! He's not 20 anymore! he fully knows what is appropriate and what's not. The fact he has not seen her in 20 years is even more inappropriate! She's practically a stranger!! The right thing to do would have been for him to tell her things have changed, he's now in a relationship and he'll book her a hotel room. Also what kind of people invite themselves to people they have not seen in 20 years!!? The answer is the type you don't want around your BF!

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I really don't think he messed around with her....

 

 

I don't think he messed around either BUT it's still 150% inappropriate and it shows he lacks good mature judgement! On top of that it shows he is insensitive to your feelings.

 

 

 

You are anxious because you know it's inappropriate! Stop ignoring your good judgement and excuse it on 'anxiety'.

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