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3 Months and Relationship Anxiety


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Old 16th September 2018, 12:20 PM   #1
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3 Months and Relationship Anxiety

So I am nearing 3 months with a guy. Great guy, very good to me. Texts back fast, we like the same things (music, movies, etc.), similar sense of humor, takes an interest in getting to know my kids, sexually compatible.

I keep getting anxious about being in a relationship. We had the boyfriend girlfriend talk last week and ended up spending alot more time together this week. Nothing bad happened but I suddenly want my space.

I'm freaking out about trusting someone again I think. Or trusting myself that I am even able to make a good decision about a relationship. I got really burnt in my last marriage. I trusted him completely and he was talking to girls behind my back. I used to think that he did everything right too. I was blindsided.

He has a girl from high school staying with him this week. (We are both around 40.) He has done everything in his power to make me feel comfortable about it although I have not said anything negative about it. It was planned before me, there is a concert and she had bought a plane ticket. He got me a ticket to the concert and expects me to come stay with them at least one of the nights plus the night of the concert. He makes comments about her to put me at ease, but that is where I lose my confidence because I clearly remember my ex telling me how ugly the girl he got caught with was when I questioned a text message. I am having a hard time trusting my own judgement, if that makes sense.

So I'm not freaking out about it to him because I also figure if he were a cheater, I'd rather give him the proverbial rope to hang himself and cut my losses. But how would I ever even know? It's like I want to trust him but I feel like there are no guarantees in life.

So, anybody else go through this as far as the relationship anxiety, have some advice? I'm almost terrified of a relationship.
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Old 16th September 2018, 12:31 PM   #2
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Dear if you are so terrified of a relationship, why are you in one? Obviously you are not ready. And with this woman staying at his place you don't even know, and he conveniently asked for exclusivity just before her arrival, is causing you so much anxiety...is that healthy for you? No. You are wanting space, feeling smothered, feeling anxious....consider not dating anymore and focus on just friendships instead, until you regain confidence in people.
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Old 16th September 2018, 12:59 PM   #3
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Dear if you are so terrified of a relationship, why are you in one? Obviously you are not ready. And with this woman staying at his place you don't even know, and he conveniently asked for exclusivity just before her arrival, is causing you so much anxiety...is that healthy for you? No. You are wanting space, feeling smothered, feeling anxious....consider not dating anymore and focus on just friendships instead, until you regain confidence in people.
We have been exclusive way before the boyfriend girlfriend talk. We discussed exclusivity around 3 weeks maybe? Think both of us are a little skittish about labels. His last relationship was for 15 years and she cheated on him repeatedly. He has some scars too.

And I don't blame him for the smothered feeling. I planned most of the days, but we just doubled our face to face time this week and it was a bit overwhelming. He texts often but not too often when we are apart. He is very chill about this stuff like me.

I'm still not even ready to claim him on Facebook lol. I almost decided to push the Facebook issue before this girl arrived but decided I shouldn't do that if I'm just trying to claim my territory if I'm not actually ready to go public.

I never intended to get in a relationship. He is just cool asf and it has turned into this. I hate to let someone go just because I can't trust. I'm just trying to go slowly.

I have such a good time with him and I feel like I can be myself entirely. He does everything right. I just need to figure out how to trust I'm not going to be blindsided again.
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Old 16th September 2018, 1:18 PM   #4
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Well if he had any decency he would have put her up in a hotel instead out of respect for his relationship with you.


I think once this girl is gone the facetime and that will taper off...he is over compensating because of this girl being there.

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Old 16th September 2018, 1:20 PM   #5
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If he's inviting you to be over while this friend is in town, he's not cheating on you with her. People have friends sometimes. Now, you should go over and meet her since he offered, and you can detect if she has a thing for him -- but even if she does, he isn't planning on sleeping with her or he wouldn't have opened his door to you while she's there.
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Old 16th September 2018, 2:25 PM   #6
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Well if he had any decency he would have put her up in a hotel instead out of respect for his relationship with you.


I think once this girl is gone the facetime and that will taper off...he is over compensating because of this girl being there.
Why would he overcompensate just to taper off after she leaves? If that's the case why would he bother? And most of the extra time was initiated by me so I'm not sure that's an issue. He has been very steady and consistent with communication and time spent together and it has mostly been at my pace. He has NEVER made me feel anxious about how he feels about me. I really don't think this is about him. It's about me learning to get over it and trust someone.

And I never voiced her staying to be an issue so no reason for him to put her in a hotel imo.
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Old 16th September 2018, 2:27 PM   #7
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If he's inviting you to be over while this friend is in town, he's not cheating on you with her. People have friends sometimes. Now, you should go over and meet her since he offered, and you can detect if she has a thing for him -- but even if she does, he isn't planning on sleeping with her or he wouldn't have opened his door to you while she's there.
That's kinda how I felt and kinda what my plan was. I told him last night I wasn't sure how much I could stay the night this week for other reasons and he looked a little bit like wtf and encouraged me to stay. That's the kind of stuff I mean when I say he has put me at ease. He is really a good guy and hasn't given me a reason to suspect him besides my own imagination and fears.
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Old 16th September 2018, 2:53 PM   #8
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Then maybe you need to find things to keep you busy with so you are not sitting there thinking about it.
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Old 16th September 2018, 4:55 PM   #9
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Ummmm...why does he have a teenage girl at his house?

Anyone else think that's weird or is it just me?
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Old 16th September 2018, 6:26 PM   #10
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I think it speaks volumes about his integrity and respect for you in trying to include you by inviting you to stay over while sheís there. I obviously donít know him nor do I have a crystal ball, but I seriously doubt thereís anything romantic, intended or otherwise, between the two of them. If he didnít invite you over, then Iíd be concerned. I have many female friends who Iíve never been romantically involved with and I was grateful for their perspective when I was separated, divorcing and even now that Iím dating.

As far as getting anxious about the relationship being more serious or committed, why not talk about it?!?! It doesnít have to be an all or none proposition. If heís as easy going as you say and a good guy, and genuinely likes you, heíd probably be fine with slowing things down a bit.
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Old 16th September 2018, 8:29 PM   #11
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Ummmm...why does he have a teenage girl at his house?

Anyone else think that's weird or is it just me?
Lol no no no. It's a female he went to school with. She is his age.
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Old 16th September 2018, 8:42 PM   #12
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He literally just texted me and told me that the two of them have been talking about me. See how he does?

He is a good guy. I want to trust him. Honestly, my anxiety is not just about now and this girl. It's when the relationship gets comfortable and complacency sets in. It's easy not to cheat in the beginning I think because you are so wrapped up in each other.

Her being there is probably what stirred things up today and prompted me to come type here because I needed to get it off my chest but I didn't want to take it out on him.

I took smackies advice and got some crap done today that I have been meaning to do for awhile. I stayed busy.
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Old 16th September 2018, 8:48 PM   #13
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That woman does not HAVE to stay with him. When she made plans, he was single, now he is not. He should put her up in a hotel, or have you come stay with them the whole time, or let her stay in his house and he goes to stay with you.
I don't think it's about your trust issues. In fact, if I was that woman and I have no intention of sleeping with a guy with a girlfriend, I'd make sure I don't put myself in a situation where people might think I could have slept with him.
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Old 16th September 2018, 9:16 PM   #14
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That woman does not HAVE to stay with him. When she made plans, he was single, now he is not. He should put her up in a hotel, or have you come stay with them the whole time, or let her stay in his house and he goes to stay with you.
I don't think it's about your trust issues. In fact, if I was that woman and I have no intention of sleeping with a guy with a girlfriend, I'd make sure I don't put myself in a situation where people might think I could have slept with him.
It's not quite that simple. We both have kids, live in different towns 25 min apart. Kids have school and we both have work in our respective towns. He would definitely let me stay there the whole time if it were feasible. I don't doubt that for a second.

I am staying two of the 4 nights she is there at this point.
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Old 16th September 2018, 9:18 PM   #15
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That woman does not HAVE to stay with him. When she made plans, he was single, now he is not. He should put her up in a hotel, or have you come stay with them the whole time, or let her stay in his house and he goes to stay with you.
I don't think it's about your trust issues. In fact, if I was that woman and I have no intention of sleeping with a guy with a girlfriend, I'd make sure I don't put myself in a situation where people might think I could have slept with him.
Oh and I doubt she knew he had a girlfriend until today. We haven't went public about our relationship yet, just close friends know at this point. Heck I haven't even told my mom.
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