Is this guy I have been seeing messing me around? **Updated**

[Lovehel]

I met this guy last year found him really nice and attractive but wasn't in a place to date. Now I have been dating this guy for the past month. Recently we have been spending the weekends together. I really want to be able to trust him but I don't think I can. I am so bad at this dating relationship stuff that I need help in seeing if this is bad or if this person is even worth my time, I am starting to think he is not worth my time. I never judged him on what job he does or how much money he has he doesn't have a good job but I felt he was a good person, has a good heart and found him attractive. I cared more about what he could bring to my life internally than externally. It was all fun and games until I started asking and wondering where is this going and where do we stand.

 

He lives with some flatmates who are from Brazil. He invites me over to have fun and a good time. I want to go and enjoy myself and have fun with him and people he cares about but it feels weird since I have no idea what we are. Anyway we end up sleeping together and then waking up and spending more time with his flatmates, they are really nice cook for me etc...but I want to spend one on one time. He never takes the initiative to do things alone with me? It's him, I and his flatmates this has happened the past 4 times.

 

At one point he just goes I'm going to the supermarket and runs out to get food, leaving me there. Maybe that is normal? When he comes back and he is chopping food. I really feel like I need to do something so I ask can I help him. He said no that there isn't much room, I awkwardly sit down and just talk to his flatmate. I wanted to have that moment with him where we did it together and bonded. When we sit down he serves himself first and nobody else, that is so rude to me. He acts like I am some random roommate of his that he has nothing to do with at one time like cold and then the next he is being affectionate and warm. It is very confusing.

 

Anyway the thing that really got to me was how I feel I am constantly getting mixed signals for the past weeks. He said to me a few weeks ago how his flatmates tease him when he goes into his room cause they know he is speaking to me cause he doesn't speak to anyone else he said. I read that as he is taking this serious between us and it is more than casual. He also said to me how I am the priority over his friends and asked me over instead of going out with them, Making me think well he is serious about me. I felt he was really into me but just is terrible at dates and being romantic. He has told me I am special and one night when we are on the sofa he was looking into my eyes intensely and said I feel something do you? He is always holding me on the sofa my hands we are cuddling in front of his roommates. One of the female roommates even said to me I think you are both falling in love. I kind of brushed it off saying no, but it got me thinking maybe I am, I feel like a kid around him.

 

Recently I asked him about his feelings towards me and he says he doesn't have feelings that he is not an emotional person but a logical one that he bases his life on logic. He said how he cares about me but it would be a lie to say he has feelings for me. I ask him what it is you want, he said he has no idea, that he is going where life takes him, that he is lost and doesn't know these things. He said that he can't promise me anything but would never lie to me. To me it is all so wishy washy. I like definite answers. I was putting my time and energy into this because I thought he was serious about me. Now I feel I have been messed around? I felt we were just taking it slow that is why we weren't going out together a lot but now I am thinking it is because he doesn't care to, he just wants it easy and convenient for him. He didn't like me talking serious about us and asked for us to go back having fun and a good time together, I just don't know if I can, I need more than that. I told him how I have feelings for him and he seemed shocked saying it's only been a few weeks. I said I can't help how I feel. It's like he is scared to have anything other than just fun together?

 

Maybe I just need to give it time and see what happens or take more initiative myself. I do really like him but maybe I will just end up hurting myself in the process of trying to get close to him and build a relationship? I want this to grow but it seems like it would be impossible?

 

I have no idea whether to give up or keep trying. I feel like if he let's me in we could have something really special.

 

I really felt I was falling for him but since he told me he has no feelings I actually feel kind of angry towards him, I thought that was the whole reason we were spending time together, and the reason behind the things he said to me and why we were always sending cute texts to each other. Now I have no idea what he was doing with me other than messing me around?

[ExpatInItaly]

Recently I asked him about his feelings towards me and he says he doesn't have feelings that he is not an emotional person but a logical one that he bases his life on logic. He said how he cares about me but it would be a lie to say he has feelings for me. I ask him what it is you want, he said he has no idea, that he is going where life takes him, that he is lost and doesn't know these things. He said that he can't promise me anything but would never lie to me. To me it is all so wishy washy. I like definite answers. I was putting my time and energy into this because I thought he was serious about me. Now I feel I have been messed around? I felt we were just taking it slow that is why we weren't going out together a lot but now I am thinking it is because he doesn't care to, he just wants it easy and convenient for him. He didn't like me talking serious about us and asked for us to go back having fun and a good time together, I just don't know if I can, I need more than that. I told him how I have feelings for him and he seemed shocked saying it's only been a few weeks. I said I can't help how I feel. It's like he is scared to have anything other than just fun together?

 

I don't think he's messing you around, considering he actually came out and told you the above. He was honest with you. But the sleepover-chilling-with-flatmates routine would put me right off, especially this early on. He is taking essentially zero initiative to get to know you on a deeper level. He might not have a lot of money, but going for a walk on a nice afternoon is free. So is finding a quiet spot alone together to look at the stars, for example. He's way too comfortable already and that's not usually a sign of good things to come. You're doing things a couple does, but without any prior courtship, it seems.

 

If you're looking for something more serious, I don't think this will be your guy. How did you meet him, and how old are you both?

Edited September 16, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[Lovehel]

Thanks for the response. I am 25 and he is 27. He said he has never been in a relationship because he doesn't like that on him? I am guessing he means he doesn't like the pressure of feeling responsible for someone else's feelings?

 

I agree with completely about the just chilling with flatmates, that is all well and fine if it is a casual thing or if you have already maybe done a lot of the dating process, but that is not the case. I want to have someone I can be vulnerable with, who I know has my back, and who I can depend on 100%. He seems to want to have fun and just relax. Why is he not putting in the effort with me to get to know me or to court me? He said he cares about me a lot but is bad at showing it.

 

I am so disappointed because I genuinely had feelings for him and wanted to build a bond with him and it just seems like it is not possible or I would end up really hurting myself. I was thinking of just telling him I will be there for him as a friend, cause that seems to be what he needs right now, and I do like him so to see what happens in the future. But for now I can't be romantically involved with you cause it is not fair on me to Develop feelings and for you to not? Basically saying if you have no intentions of taking me seriously then this has to stop, but I will be there for you as a friend?

[smackie9]

Lovehel, all you are doing is pulling at him to shape up to your expectations...well it's not going to work. You are simply two different people. This isn't him responding to you, this is simply who he is, this is his personality. To make someone change to suit your needs is wrong. You are best to cut him loose and move on from him. He isn't going to be the BF you so desire. And staying friends isn't going to work either. He isn't going to "come around" eventually. This is a false hope.

Edited September 16, 2018 by smackie9

[Lovehel]

I met this guy last year found him really nice and attractive but wasn't in a place to date. Now I have been dating this guy for the past month. Recently we have been spending the weekends together. I really want to be able to trust him but I don't think I can. I am so bad at this dating relationship stuff that I need help in seeing if this is bad or if this person is even worth my time, I am starting to think he is not worth my time. I never judged him on what job he does or how much money he has he doesn't have a good job but I felt he was a good person, has a good heart and found him attractive. I cared more about what he could bring to my life internally than externally. It was all fun and games until I started asking and wondering where is this going and where do we stand.

 

He lives with some flatmates who are from Brazil. He invites me over to have fun and a good time. I want to go and enjoy myself and have fun with him and people he cares about but it feels weird since I have no idea what we are. Anyway we end up sleeping together and then waking up and spending more time with his flatmates, they are really nice cook for me etc...but I want to spend one on one time and grow a bond with him not his flatmates. He never takes the initiative to do special things alone with me? It's him, I and his flatmates. This has happened the past 3 times. He says he does care a lot about me but is bad at showing it. To me that is an excuse.

 

At one point he just goes I'm going to the supermarket and runs out to get food, leaving me there. Maybe that is normal? When he comes back and he is chopping food. I really feel like I need to do something so I ask can I help him. He said no that there isn't much room, I awkwardly sit down and just talk to his flatmate. I wanted to have that moment with him where we did it together and bonded. When we sit down he serves himself first and nobody else, that is so rude to me. He acts like I am some random roommate of his that he has nothing to do with at one time like cold and then the next he is being affectionate and warm. It is very confusing.

 

Anyway the thing that really got to me was how I feel I am constantly getting mixed signals for the past weeks. He said to me a few weeks ago how his flatmates tease him when he goes into his room cause they know he is speaking to me cause he doesn't speak to other females he said. I read that as he is taking this serious between us and it is more than casual. He also said to me how I am the priority over his friends and asked me over instead of going out with them, Making me think well he is serious about me. I felt he was really into me but just is terrible at dates and being romantic. He has told me I am special and one night when we are on the sofa he was looking into my eyes intensely and said I feel something do you? He is always holding me on the sofa my hands we are cuddling in front of his roommates. One of the female roommates even said to me I think you are both falling in love. I kind of brushed it off saying no, but it got me thinking maybe I am, I feel like a kid around him.

 

Recently I asked him about his feelings towards me and he says he doesn't have feelings that he is not an emotional person but a logical one that he bases his life on logic. He said how he cares about me but it would be a lie to say he has feelings for me. I ask him what it is you want, he said he has no idea, that he is going where life takes him, that he is lost and doesn't know these things. He said that he can't promise me anything but would never lie to me. To me it is all so wishy washy. I felt we were just taking it slow that is why we weren't going out together a lot but now I am thinking it is because he doesn't care to, he just wants it easy and convenient for him. He didn't like me talking serious about us and asked for us to go back having fun and a good time together, cooking spending with his flatmates etc...I just don't know if I can, I need more than that. I told him how I have feelings for him and he seemed shocked saying it's only been a few weeks. I said I can't help how I feel. It's like he is scared to have anything other than just fun together or be casual? I thought the reason we were sending cute texts to each other and spending time together was because we both had feelings for one another And were falling for one another. Now I feel like an idiot.

 

I am so disappointed and down about it because I genuinely had feelings for him and wanted to build a bond with him and it just seems like it is not possible or I would end up really hurting myself. I was thinking of just telling him I will be there for him as a friend, cause that seems to be what he needs right now, and I do like him so to see what happens in the future. But for now I can't be romantically involved with you cause it is not fair on me to Develop feelings and for you to not? Basically saying if you have no intentions of taking me seriously then this has to stop, but I will be there for you as a friend?

[Garcon1986]

Well it is true that guys are logical, and many of them won't respond in the way that you are used to. Hence the saying, "why can't I get a normal boyfriend?"

 

The answer to that - they don't exist.

 

However, I do acknowledge there are some serious problems in the relationship you have now. The root of it is a communication issue. He doesn't seem to be committing in the way that you feel validated, and you are having a hard time getting across your views to this guy.

 

First I'd mention that this is common, so you aren't the first person to ever experience this.

 

Second, I would ask the both of you these questions.

 

What is it you want out of a relationship?

Would you feel comfortable doing a casual relationship without intimacy, or a FWB relationship that doesn't lead to long term?

And what kind of affection should your partner show that indicates to you, that you are loved?

 

And ask him the same things. Tell him exactly what your views are. I know its hard to directly confront a guy, but in this case you have feelings for him, so the temporary pain is to confront him - to avoid the long term pain of really serious emotional hurt.

 

If you want the same things, smashing, bloody good. Go work on it. If you don't want the same things politely call it a day, have a great time with your girlfriends, and then move on.

[Whodatdog]

It sounds like you are his fun girl who runs over to his apartment when he says for you to, he gets sex, and then sends you on your merry way. He's telling you exactly how he feels about you, but you arent listening. He's not treating you like a girlfriend, he's treating you like a toy. Next time he calls you, dont be so quick to jump.

[Lovehel]

I am 25, he is 27. I was seeing this guy for 2 months it felt amazing spending time with him, we just clicked, I was completely comfortable around him and was starting to develop quite strong feelings for him. I was getting a lot of mixed feelings for example, one time he looks me deep in the eye and tells me I" feel something, do you?" He was always caressing me, very affectionate etc...yet also told me how logical he is and isn't sure where he is going in life. I eventually asked him a few days ago where this was going, he told me that he cares about me a lot but he can't give me back the same feelings. At that point I knew I had to stop seeing him because I was going to get extremely hurt and get closer and closer while he didn't. I have been very down about it, because I feel we could have something great, but he isn't willing to give it a go. He wasn't willing to have more than a fun casual arrangement.

 

Anyway about a week ago he has asked me to be good friends with him. I have no idea what to do. I like him a lot, so much that I was falling for him. Everytime he was off work for the past 2 months he used to spend it with me, and now he has told me he has been off work the past 2 days, and he hasn't asked to hang out with me during these as friends, he asked me tonight to hang out next week. I asked him how is this going to work if he's physically attracted to me, and he in a light joking way said not to touch him. This makes me think he is just stringing me along as a "friend" incase he ever changes his mind about me? Am I right? Because something just doesn't feel right. I know he doesn't see me as a friend, and I don't see him as a friend, so what on earth does he want to hang out with me for or keep me as a "friend" for? Am I just an option to keep open?

 

It's just so weird to me because everything was going so smoothly with this guy, and he puts a stop to everything because he can't have anything more than something very casual and was scared off by anything more. Now he wants to be good friends? And hang out even though there is tons of chemistry there? How is that possible ?It makes no sense to me. Maybe you can help me understand his mind set through his behaviour, because I am lost.

[d0nnivain]

He doesn't want a commitment. He's DTF if you are but is warning you not to get emotionally attached. Stay in his orbit at your own risk.

[hippychick3]

He may be attracted to you but isn’t feeling any deep connection with you. He’s going to be dating others (if he hasn’t already been), and it will be too difficult for you to maintain a friendship with him when you have feelings for him.

 

It’s best that you not contact him anymore and put yourself out there and date others.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Male friend zone is really a FWB zone. I bet he tries for sex when you hang out.

 

 

He is not feeling the same amount of chemistry/attraction. Men have no problem having sex with someone they are really not that attracted to.

[smackie9]

Male friend zone is really a FWB zone. I bet he tries for sex when you hang out.

 

 

He is not feeling the same amount of chemistry/attraction. Men have no problem having sex with someone they are really not that attracted to.

This ^^^^^100%

 

 

The guy is s bit of a manipulator. He gets off on his ability to have you catch feelings for him... it's an ego boost. He's not even friend material, let alone BF material. Kick him to the curb.....he is seething with bull $%^&

[preraph]

Get out of it and just don't look back. Something is up. He could be gay and not want to admit it to himself. Whether gay or not, he has hangups preventing him from even wanting to have sex after two months, so he's fearful in some way or other. Those comments about him trying to "feel something" are why I wonder if he's gay. He could just be very messed up and unable to have feelings. I would NOT be friends with him. It will send other men running and it's a colossal waste of time for you and you'll just get more confused.

[coolheadal]

{snip}

It's just so weird to me because everything was going so smoothly with this guy, and he puts a stop to everything because he can't have anything more than something very casual and was scared off by anything more. Now he wants to be good friends? And hang out even though there is tons of chemistry there? How is that possible ?It makes no sense to me. Maybe you can help me understand his mind set through his behaviour, because I am lost.

 

He's a player you met him under casual sex but that's all you are to him. You can't force him to go beyond that. He wants to go after other women as well. That's what the player does. No commitments just friendship and that's it! It's call blank buddy but I can't say the word here. I hope you find your true love of your life but not this player he's what he is and nothing else.

Edited October 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lovehel]

Your right and how could I be friends with a player?

 

Will send him this text tonight, what do you think?

 

"I can't be friends right now. I would find it too difficult when we both know we were more than friends and knowing you want to keep your options open and are sleeping with other people etc...is not nice for me to be around. I need space, so it is best we stop contacting each other. "

[preraph]

Okay, I'm really unclear and may have completely misspoken up there. Have you had sex with this guy or not? You never said. To me, it sounded like he was working up to it and then stopped.

[coolheadal]

Your right and how could I be friends with a player?

 

Will send him this text tonight, what do you think?

 

"I can't be friends right now. I would find it too difficult when we both know we were more than friends and knowing you want to keep your options open and are sleeping with other people etc...is not nice for me to be around. I need space, so it is best we stop contacting each other. "

 

I say fortification, once you done that it's very hard to look at them as your friend or blank buddy again plus you love him beyond what he had wanted. But try this text if you haven't sent that one above.

 

Hey I had fun, but I have to move on with my life and with the right partner who will complete me and give me justification.

 

Say it like that. Because you telling him your ending it. Don't have to say the word end to a player, because that just means to him more options have now opened up for him.

Edited October 5, 2018 by coolheadal

[Lovehel]

Get out of it and just don't look back. Something is up. He could be gay and not want to admit it to himself. Whether gay or not, he has hangups preventing him from even wanting to have sex after two months, so he's fearful in some way or other. Those comments about him trying to "feel something" are why I wonder if he's gay. He could just be very messed up and unable to have feelings. I would NOT be friends with him. It will send other men running and it's a colossal waste of time for you and you'll just get more confused.

 

Hey sorry for any confusion. We had sex quite a lot yes, so I don't think he is gay he could be bisexual maybe. Should I tell him I am done? Why am I so terrified of not having him in my life?

[Lovehel]

I say fortification, once you done that it's very hard to look at them as your friend or blank buddy again plus you love him beyond what he had wanted. But try this text if you haven't sent that one above.

 

Hey I had fun, but I have to move on with my life and with the right partner who will complete me and give me justification.

 

Say it like that. Because you telling him your ending it. Don't have to say the word end to a player, because that just means to him more options have now opened up for him.

 

How about. "I had fun with you, but don't think this is a good idea, I need to move on and need space"

 

How about that?

[coolheadal]

How about. "I had fun with you, but don't think this is a good idea, I need to move on and need space"

 

How about that?

 

I know you love him but he's not into you like that. What I wrote would have told him off in a way you would protect your confidence. You don't want to come off sounding weak as you know he has hurt you. So you think he acts like he's flamboyant?

 

Remember who your dealing with a player doesn't care about too much only himself what he has lined up for tonight an next night. Send him what I said.

Edited October 5, 2018 by coolheadal

[hippychick3]

I think you’re spending too much time wondering what to text to someone who is not interested or invested at all. Realize that nothing you say or text will increase his interest in you or change the outcome.

 

Don’t text anything. Just pull back and carry on with your life. If he reaches out to you again, just let him know you’d rather just part ways and take care. Nothing else.

[Lovehel]

I know you love him but he's not into you like that. What I wrote would have told him off in a way you would protect your confidence. You don't want to come off sounding weak as you know he has hurt you. So you think he acts like he's flamboyant?

 

Remember who your dealing with a player doesn't care about too much only himself what he has lined up for tonight an next night. Send him what I said.

 

Yes I get where you are coming from. Right now I am in two minds because a friend told me to do this:

 

"Act like it doesn’t hurt and Act like you don’t mind.

As far as he’s concerned, you’re happy to just be friends. (He does not just want to be friends, he is trying to play you) But inside you the game is changing. You’re taking control of this naughty boy. Playing his game to win, and you will win if you can control yourself.

Do not message him, do not call him ever.

When he calls you you’re happy to hear from him and your sorry you’ve been so busy...

When he asks you to come over you only say yes if it’s convenient for you, if he’s given enough notice and the activity is one appropriate for platonic friends.

No alone time anywhere, public places only. No cuddling, no intimate kissing. Be happy, smile laugh and be adorable and when he makes a move be cute when you turn him down.

You’re just friends now. It’ll drive him crazy. He’ll crawl back. It might take a while though, be prepared to think this strategy isn’t working but it will."

 

But I just don't think I can keep up that pretence? And it would take a lot of willpower on my part to do that? And at the same time I wonder is it even worth it? Also not knowing if he is sleeping with other people and assuming he is would drive me crazy when I am only around his as a "friend". What do you think of that game plan they are suggesting?

 

Sending the text seems like the logical thing to do? But now I am wondering which one would work for him to actually think twice about me?

[mortensorchid]

He doesn't want to make a commitment and he's yanking your chain. Many years ago I was seeing someone and the day after I slept with him for the first time he said he was seeing his last gf that day (in a MySpace message no less as it was the MySpace days). Needless to say we don't speak anymore. So move on as quickly as you can or he'll hurt you like I was.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

This is what I would say if I was is your shoes.

 

"Thanks for the invitation but I am now focusing my free time dating men with relationship potential. No hard feelings. It just isn't a good use of my time to hang out with you any more. All the best."

 

Initially it comes of as really polite and honest, but when you look closely there is some subtle shade in it. It basically tells him that you aren't that hung up on him, won't be his back up option, and your already looking for a better guy (which you should be doing).

 

I think it is important for you to leave this situation with your head held high, making it clear that you are worth more than what he was potentially trying to set you up for.

 

There are so many amazing guys out there, please don't get caught up on the wrong guy. I know it is disappointing because you obviously felt a connection to this guy, but now that he has revealed his true colors, it is clear that he is not boyfriend material, let alone friend material.

 

Avoid breadcrumbs. You're worth more than that.

[coolheadal]

Yes I get where you are coming from. Right now I am in two minds because a friend told me to do this:

 

"Act like it doesn’t hurt and Act like you don’t mind.

As far as he’s concerned, you’re happy to just be friends. (He does not just want to be friends, he is trying to play you) But inside you the game is changing. You’re taking control of this naughty boy. Playing his game to win, and you will win if you can control yourself.

Do not message him, do not call him ever.

When he calls you you’re happy to hear from him and your sorry you’ve been so busy...

When he asks you to come over you only say yes if it’s convenient for you, if he’s given enough notice and the activity is one appropriate for platonic friends.

No alone time anywhere, public places only. No cuddling, no intimate kissing. Be happy, smile laugh and be adorable and when he makes a move be cute when you turn him down.

You’re just friends now. It’ll drive him crazy. He’ll crawl back. It might take a while though, be prepared to think this strategy isn’t working but it will."

 

But I just don't think I can keep up that pretence? And it would take a lot of willpower on my part to do that? And at the same time I wonder is it even worth it? Also not knowing if he is sleeping with other people and assuming he is would drive me crazy when I am only around his as a "friend". What do you think of that game plan they are suggesting?

 

Sending the text seems like the logical thing to do? But now I am wondering which one would work for him to actually think twice about me?

 

You don't want to let go, but you have to listen to what he said to you. He wants friends with benefits, you want more. You want this guy to say he love you back and he'll give up his player ways. But that's not what he want to do. He's a casual sex dater (player) that's what he's into. For that that's the sort of man he is.

 

For you to worry about him trying to change his mind and for you to wait on him by playing hard to get. Just not going to work. Don't have any more sex with him, don't call or even text but you should leave the first text I told you to use because that one. Make him think twice what he did to you.

 

Right now you don't have anything with him he's just going by his options. One day with you one day with another one. Please it cool for now try to take this time to not to think about him. Right now your doing just that. I know it's hard. Go hand out with your girl friends night and go have fun.