Aveenolover Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 The past two guys I've seen both turned into me chasing commitment while they wanted to have fun. "Have fun and see where it goes, no pressure " The last guy I was dating started off great and we seemed to really like each other and got along really well but a month into seeing one another his ex reached out and he supposedly got messed up from that and ever since then (4 months) it's "let's just have fun, no pressure " I tell him I'm not looking for fwb and he says he wants to see where things go naturally. It makes me feel like it's something I'm doing or lacking where they just can't see me as gf material Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 People do have to date first to see if they are compatible and also to gauge whether they are feeling an emotional desire to be with that person for the long run. People rarely, if ever say they want a commitment and then start off in a relationship. It's always a bad idea to get involved with someone who has just exited a relationship or marriage because normally these people are not looking to get tied down again or they still have unresolved feelings for their ex. You need to pick better guys who are of the same mindset as you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 My perspective "Lets see where it goes" means "you will do for now". So when they tell you that, you will not have your expectations fulfilled. Don't date them because they are not really that into you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 The past two guys I've seen both turned into me chasing commitment while they wanted to have fun. "Have fun and see where it goes, no pressure " The last guy I was dating started off great and we seemed to really like each other and got along really well but a month into seeing one another his ex reached out and he supposedly got messed up from that and ever since then (4 months) it's "let's just have fun, no pressure " I tell him I'm not looking for fwb and he says he wants to see where things go naturally. It makes me feel like it's something I'm doing or lacking where they just can't see me as gf material If you're looking for serious dating stay away from anything that is 'fun, let's see, where things go, naturally'. All those come out of men still hung on their ex or not ready to date seriously. My bet the only thing you're doing wrong is date men freshly out of relationships, right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 My perspective "Lets see where it goes" means "you will do for now". So when they tell you that, you will not have your expectations fulfilled. Don't date them because they are not really that into you. Exactly this. Many men have learned that women like things to progress naturally, and use language like 'let's see where it goes', because it gives the illusion that the future is undecided and anything could develop from it. The reality is that it's a foolproof line to fall back on, because after things inevitably end (because they weren't that into you in the first place), they can say they never promised you anything, it just didn't work, etc. When you hear this line, you need to ask them outright if they're open to the possibility of a relationship somewhere down the line, if that's something you are open to as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 I was told that guys attraction is like popcorn going off in a microwave...they know when they are really into someone and let you know it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aveenolover Posted September 12, 2018 Author Share Posted September 12, 2018 I did let them know and especially the last guy that I was looking for a relationship and not fwb. He says he does like me and does see a relationship down the road and I'm "perfect" but he needs more time. He claims it took him 6 months to bond with his ex. And claims he struggles with bonding and that's why he can't commit yet but I think it's just bs lies. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 Many guys, especially guys who have an ex who is still on their mind, just want to stay distracted and have sex. If a guy is still saying he just "wants to have fun" a month in and you've been out a few times, he's just about sex. He's having it with whoever will let him and not committing to anyone at this time. If that isn't what you want, just fun, send them packing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 I did let them know and especially the last guy that I was looking for a relationship and not fwb. RED FLAG: He says he does like me and does see a relationship down the road and RED FLAG: I'm "perfect" but he needs more time. RED FLAG: He claims it took him 6 months to bond with his ex. RED FLAG: And claims he struggles with bonding and that's why he can't commit yet YES YOU ARE RIGHT: but I think it's just bs lies. Yes it's a pile of malarkey. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 I don't bond quickly with people. It takes me a while to trust but when I wanted a serious relationship, I worked at it & didn't say foolish things like "let's just see where this goes." That phrase generally means the speaker doesn't want a serious relationship so where it should go is to the end point on your side. You two are not on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 I was told that guys attraction is like popcorn going off in a microwave...they know when they are really into someone and let you know it. I'll let the guys confirm or deny the verity of this, but as a female, this does seem true. That when a man is interested in you, they're really interested in YOU. They might also want to rip your clothes off on the first date, but they want to spend time getting to know all of you...and I could be wrong but I would LOVE to believe that they're capable of being VERY patient, when they really dig a woman, where sex is concerned. They don't shut it all down because you and he haven't had sex by Date #3 or #4. I do think this guy fed you a bunch of malarkey but I'm with you that sometimes it's hard to tell. I think the best line of defense is to hold off on having sex for a while. I feel like for men as well as women, once sex is on the menu the men will say anything to keep it going, and the women will tell themselves anything and ignore all kinds of red flags to keep it going if the sex is good. Basically, the little brains in the pants take over and the logical brain doesn't stand much of a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Saracena Posted September 12, 2018 Share Posted September 12, 2018 Not sure how old you are OP but in addition to the posts above, I believe age and timing where guys and commitment are concerned, plays a very large part as well. Generally, younger ones (early twenties) are more interested in playing the field and aren't considering settling down until a later point when they are more established in their careers, for instance. Heck, I was like that myself (and still am to a degree) the last thing I wanted when I qualified, after years of studying, was to get married and have kids! The fact I met many very eligible guys didn't even factor into it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aveenolover Posted September 12, 2018 Author Share Posted September 12, 2018 I'm 30, he's 32. No kids, neither of us have been married Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 A question to help figure out what's going on: Do these guys run after you sleep with them or before? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 A question to help figure out what's going on: Do these guys run after you sleep with them or before? depends on the guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ozzies Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 The past two guys I've seen both turned into me chasing commitment while they wanted to have fun. "Have fun and see where it goes, no pressure " Sorry if you already clarified this, but are they saying while saying they are dating you exclusively or are they still dating other people? I think this line is reasonable while in the early weeks of an exclusive relationship. They could really like you but are saying this because they think you might be scared off if you think they are moving too fast in their long-term commitment expectations. If they are dating other people, then I think they are using this to imply you could be "the one" when they really have no intention of that being the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Larry56 Posted September 13, 2018 Share Posted September 13, 2018 Being a playboy myself. My thinking when I say that particular line is = I'm semi interested but you're on probation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aveenolover Posted September 13, 2018 Author Share Posted September 13, 2018 Well, with this last guy we've been talking for like 5 months now. The first month we slept together after date #2. He was still highly interested after that and we were getting together for dates and stuff about 3x a week. He was talking about a lot of future plans together, when i'd leave he was telling me how much he missed me, he was telling me how great i was. Then after a month in is when the ex gf called. and everything changed. 2 months in i asked him where we were going and that was when he was all "i'm just having fun and seeing where this goes. i really like you a lot i just dont want to rush anything cuz i rushed with my ex and it bit me in the ass" 4 months in, same thing. We were exclusive, just not bf/gf. Were. Then we stopped talking for a month and he told me he had been on a few dates (he told me this last friday after he reached out again and we were hanging out) Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 Well, with this last guy we've been talking for like 5 months now. The first month we slept together after date #2. He was still highly interested after that and we were getting together for dates and stuff about 3x a week. He was talking about a lot of future plans together, when i'd leave he was telling me how much he missed me, he was telling me how great i was. Then after a month in is when the ex gf called. and everything changed. 2 months in i asked him where we were going and that was when he was all "i'm just having fun and seeing where this goes. i really like you a lot i just dont want to rush anything cuz i rushed with my ex and it bit me in the ass" 4 months in, same thing. We were exclusive, just not bf/gf. Were. Then we stopped talking for a month and he told me he had been on a few dates (he told me this last friday after he reached out again and we were hanging out) Read what you wrote here. Does this sound to you like the beginning of a healthy, rewarding long-term relationship? Because from an outsider's view, it sounds like a mess and like you can do better. Not speaking for a month when you've only been dating for five? No. I think you need to cut out of this. This guy is never going to give you the solid relationship you're looking for. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 Read what you wrote here. Does this sound to you like the beginning of a healthy, rewarding long-term relationship? Because from an outsider's view, it sounds like a mess and like you can do better. Not speaking for a month when you've only been dating for five? No. I think you need to cut out of this. This guy is never going to give you the solid relationship you're looking for. It's funny because when I read OP's first sentences I thought, ok it sounds like he was headed in right direction and then something suddenly changed. I thought probably dating someone else, like a new girl. Then OP mentions contact from ex-gf. So i think it's that. She contacted him and he'd probably like to try that again with her or is not over her. I do agree that you need to stop seeing him under these conditions. I don't know if I'd harshly cut it off. Sometimes the timing is just bad (i.e. still hung up on ex-gf, seeing that thing to the bitter end). And sometimes rather than be branded "that crazy girl I dated who was hung up on me and then flipped out when she decided casual wasn't good for her when that's what we agreed on" it can be smarter or better strategy to just calmly say "hey this isn't working for me anymore bc I want xyz and realize you can't or aren't giving it to me". When you say something like that, you leave the door open enough that if his situation changes he can come back and try with you wholeheartedly. Of course, OP you should live your life like he may never come back, date others and try to find what you want. But i do believe this is your best chance to get his attention. Doing the status quo and hoping he will come around, isn't going to work IMO & it will kill you if and when he decides to be serious but doesn't choose you--and that is the typical pattern for when you allow this. Taking a stand for yourself shows the other person you believe in your value--something that allowing the type of relationship you do NOT want shows that you do not believe in your value. Important that you convey the right message to get what you want. Good luck, OP Link to post Share on other sites
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