This situation

[an0nym0us123]

So say you have bien seeing a girl for a couple of months who you know liked you for a while who split from her ex of 1 year 3 months ago. They had planned getting married and starting a family right up to the end. Then the have a fallout and she leaves claiming she feels unwanted. Ex tries to resolve issue to know avail.

 

So you start seeing this girl fresh out of a serios relationship. She wants to take it slow but has feeling for you. Then 3 months after breaking up with ex he contacts her and asks does she feel like working things out. She says not right now. But goes on to tell him her feelings for him have not faded in the slightest and she is still in love with him but doesn't want to be with him right now. He says he's willing to make the effort to make her feel wanted and she says she's not ready. She also says she is hurting and misses him although only in response to him saying he misses her. He asks if she is torn and she says a bit. She says she doesn't really know what she wants.

 

Basically you are seeing someone who is still in love with her ex that she left 3 months ago and he is willing to work it out. On top of this she hasn't told you she is in love with her ex and might go back.

 

But she wants to see what happens with you? And she has feelings for you. What's the odds of it going wrong and her going back?

[Gaeta]

You will learn that lesson the hard way: Do not date people freshly out of relationships.

 

 

 

You are the flavor of the moment, she is distracting herself with you while she is trying to figure out if ex is worth the trouble. You are the band-aid on her wound and when she's ready to go back to him OR when she is ready to definitely move on from him, YOU will be left behind in the dust.

[kendahke]

So say you have bien seeing a girl for a couple of months who you know liked you for a while who split from her ex of 1 year 3 months ago.

 

I'd leave her alone because the best I can get right now is rebound boy

 

But she wants to see what happens with you? And she has feelings for you. What's the odds of it going wrong and her going back?

 

The odds are huge.

 

The feelings she has is to make herself feel wanted by getting with a new guy so soon--maybe so she can lord it over her ex? Only she knows what her motivations are right now.

[preraph]

I mean, she did tell the ex no. Of course she still has feelings. Don't we all have some feelings if we ever cared about them? But she had decent ethics here and chose to stay with you and see how it went. If I were you, I'd be my best self here and give it my best effort to see if you can make each other happy.

 

I think I'd have a talk with her and tell her you are happy she stayed with you and didn't just go seeing the ex behind your back. And I'd tell you you have the best intentions with her and want to see how it goes too, but that you think it only fair for her to stop talking to her ex and cut him off while she's dating you and trying to make it work.

[an0nym0us123]

I mean, she did tell the ex no. Of course she still has feelings. Don't we all have some feelings if we ever cared about them? But she had decent ethics here and chose to stay with you and see how it went. If I were you, I'd be my best self here and give it my best effort to see if you can make each other happy.

 

I think I'd have a talk with her and tell her you are happy she stayed with you and didn't just go seeing the ex behind your back. And I'd tell you you have the best intentions with her and want to see how it goes too, but that you think it only fair for her to stop talking to her ex and cut him off while she's dating you and trying to make it work.

 

Wasn't "some feelings" she said her feelings haven't faded at all and that she is still in love with him. But she wasn't ready to be with him " right now"

[mortensorchid]

Rebounds are dangerous things, and you are full in one.

[smackie9]

You should be asking her why she is dating you, what is the purpose if she is still emotionally tangled up over her ex.....is it out of loneliness, or revenge, or try to forget about her ex, see what else is out there, want to move on, etc.

 

 

 

You can do one of two things, ditch her because she's using you, and there is a chance she will dump you for her ex, or you can date her casually with no emotional investment, and date others, with YOU keeping your options open. If she don't like it, that's too frickin bad. It's not fair for YOU to invest in anything with her at this time.

[d0nnivain]

What's the odds of it going wrong and her going back?

 

I'd say there is at least a 90% chance she is going back to him. Sorry.

 

She's using you to make him jealous, to make sure he understands she has options.

[Gretchen12]

If you want a serious relationship, you should stop seeing her. You want her to be sure about this. Even if she stays with you and never went back to him, she may always wonder. She has unfinished business she needs to take care of first.

[FMW]

So apparently it's just me, but I think OP is actually the ext. How else does he know exactly what she told the ex?

 

Either way, whether you're the new guy or the old guy, she doesn't sound like a good option for either of you.

[preraph]

She doesn't WANT to still have feelings for the ex, but a sensible person knows that there are a lot of people you can love but not stay with for a variety of reasons, ill treatment or irresponsibility being first and foremost. Some people do make sensible decisions to leave someone behind regardless they care about them. Doesn't mean they can't care about someone new. There's not just one love. You take that love with you when you leave and you have it to bestow upon whoever you deem fit.

[an0nym0us123]

So yeah someone got it right. I am actually the ex i just wanted people angle from the other side. Sorry i did not mean to decieve. 3 weeks before we split thos girl told me how incredibly happy she was and how she could not wait to spend her life with me. She was constantly talking about getting maŕried right up till the last day. She went a bit distant in the last 2 weeks and there was 1 slight misunderstanding.

 

Then she said something to me that i didnt like so i tackled her in it. And we basically old me she needed space. She said she didnt feel wanted. I told her i wanted her more than anything and she had never mentioned anything like this before. I was buying her presents and doing quite a lot of traveling to see her. I always returned her affection and i gave her affection. I admit that i could have done more but she said how happy she always was and there was no warning signs. All she had to do was say something to me.

 

So in the couple of weeks after break up she was telling me wed get back together. But after that went cold when obviously she decided to start with this guy who i knew she had a fancy for.

 

So as of right now she tells me she is still in love with me and her feelings have not faded at all and we split over 3 months ago. I said id meet her if she wanted but she said not just now. I have know i ldea if i could ever take her back or if i want her but im gutted to say the least. All she had to do was say something to me and id have done more. I never did anything bad to her at any point. I even showed her a week before we split up where we could build a house on my farm and she was really happy saying how fun a place it would be to live with the children.

 

She said shes holding back because she doesnt know what she wants yet. I said i love you and want you more than anything. She said she feels the same but cant be with me right now. She hurts, she misses me, is in love with me but isnt with me.

 

Also one of her friends told me she is still carrying a torch for me.

 

 

So go figure. I wasnt a clingy bf or anything awful. In hindsight. I may have been slightly cold at times but thats it. Im gutted

Edited September 12, 2018 by an0nym0us123

[coolheadal]

So say you have bien seeing a girl for a couple of months who you know liked you for a while who split from her ex of 1 year 3 months ago. They had planned getting married and starting a family right up to the end. Then the have a fallout and she leaves claiming she feels unwanted. Ex tries to resolve issue to know avail.

 

So you start seeing this girl fresh out of a serios relationship. She wants to take it slow but has feeling for you. Then 3 months after breaking up with ex he contacts her and asks does she feel like working things out. She says not right now. But goes on to tell him her feelings for him have not faded in the slightest and she is still in love with him but doesn't want to be with him right now. He says he's willing to make the effort to make her feel wanted and she says she's not ready. She also says she is hurting and misses him although only in response to him saying he misses her. He asks if she is torn and she says a bit. She says she doesn't really know what she wants.

 

Basically you are seeing someone who is still in love with her ex that she left 3 months ago and he is willing to work it out. On top of this she hasn't told you she is in love with her ex and might go back.

 

But she wants to see what happens with you? And she has feelings for you. What's the odds of it going wrong and her going back?

 

Had this happen to me in early last year 2017. She wasn't over her Ex but yet I couldn't get a straight answer from her. She didn't know what she wanted. I had ended it because I didn't feel she was really giving me the time and the respect. In the end she later on got back with her Ex and got married in May 2017. So you have no luck with a woman like this and I was lucky to catch this in time.

[Chilli]

l wouldn't be the fall guy personally or trust whatever she calls feelings right now.

lt's no 1 or take a hike.

[d0nnivain]

So in the couple of weeks after break up she was telling me wed get back together. But after that went cold when obviously she decided to start with this guy who i knew she had a fancy for.

 

 

Also one of her friends told me she is still carrying a torch for me.

 

 

So go figure. I wasnt a clingy bf or anything awful. In hindsight. I may have been slightly cold at times but thats it. Im gutted

 

What a mess. I still think she's using the new guy to punish you. I doubt she genuinely cares about him but that doesn't mean you & her should get back together.

 

If you were driving to see her & getting her gifts but she told you something as non-specific as she was getting enough attention why would you get back with a girl who behaves so coldly toward you who doesn't know her own mind well enough to articulate what she wants & who is calculating enough to play 2 guys off each other?

[an0nym0us123]

What a mess. I still think she's using the new guy to punish you. I doubt she genuinely cares about him but that doesn't mean you & her should get back together.

 

If you were driving to see her & getting her gifts but she told you something as non-specific as she was getting enough attention why would you get back with a girl who behaves so coldly toward you who doesn't know her own mind well enough to articulate what she wants & who is calculating enough to play 2 guys off each other?

 

I will admit that i was cold at times i never really called her beautiful or gave her a kiss when we were at the bar

But she could have said something. She says she has feelings for the new guy but god knows whats going on. I would not want to be dating her right not cos our relationship was serious and she is in love with me i know she is. But as you say ive no idea should we ever get back together. I love her and thats skewing my judgement

Edited September 12, 2018 by an0nym0us123

[an0nym0us123]

I want to add to this. So i am the ex despite posing as the new guy.

 

Basically was with a girl for 1 year and apart from one blip we seemed very happy. She always told me she was happy. Shes was blowing up my phone all the time and pouring out affection. I always reciprocated. We were talking about getting married. Building a house and having kids.

 

3 weeks before we broke up she told me she was so excited to spend her life with me. Then she went a little distant and i basically mirrored her behaviour. Thinking it would blow over. A couple of missunderstandings occured and then she said something horrible to me so i tackled her on it. She told me she didnt feel wanted and i never called her pretty. I said i wanted her more than anything.

 

Then she asked for space. But continued contacting me telling me she loved me. Even asked meet me and we did. She said she just needed a break to sort her head out and wed get back together But then she started with some other guy probably 3 weeks after our break up who i suspect she was lining up before hand. I didnt know about him and her but we were still in communication but she had gone cold. But she still said she loved me but not to wait for her anymore.

 

She kept giving mixed signals. Like i love you but cant be with you. I hope we can get back together some day etc.

 

When i found out about the other guy i cut contact and told her shed basically ruined our chances of getting back together.

 

6 week of no contact followed and i had to message her to ask her something. Then i asked if she ever felt like working things out. She said i do but she didnt think id take her back. I said i didnt know but wed have to talk.

 

She the proceeded to tell me with out asking that her feelings for me have not faded in 3 and a half months. I asked was she still in love with me and she said yes. I said you really do want me and she said yes but wasnt ready to get back together. She said she had feelings for someone else. I said i dont want to be your fall back guy. She said your not, but i guess i am.

 

She said shes holding back with the new guy cos she doesnt know what she wants.

 

I said have you told him you still love me. She said no. I said you will hurt him if we get back together she said i know.

 

She said she still hurts from our break up. I asked if she was torn and she said a bit

 

I honestly dont know where this is going but its very messy and i dont know if its possible to recover.

 

Iy

 

She says shes in love with me and misses me. I dont know if the new guy is just a rebound. Any more thoughts?

Edited September 13, 2018 by an0nym0us123

[Tristian]

Folks, since the OP has another thread on this situation titled Shocking u turn I'm going to close this one up to avoid any confusion. Please continue conversation there.