What happened?

[Rhythm28]

I got set up with a girl from work through a mutual friend. She's from New York. Came here without a job and left her mother, home, and job behind. Had a great first date and went out again last night. Halfway through the night, just as things were going well, she got quiet and started becoming distant. She even wanted to cut the date short and head home.

 

When I dropped her off, I walked her to the door, tried to kiss her but she turned away. I told her I felt she was afraid and that "people don't up and leave their mother, job, and home for nothing." All she could do was nod her head "yes". I suspected it all along. She didn't want to talk about it and I wasn't about to force it out of her. Finally, I said "I'm not going to call you anymore. Don't call me unless it's for more than friends." With that, I turned around, walked down the driveway, got into my car. I looked back one last time and she was still standing there looking at me. I thought she would have run inside once she got the chance but she didn't.

 

I like her but it's only been two dates so there's no real feelings yet. I work with her so I guess I'll just be cordial. What got to me was the fact that she stood there and watched me leave. That's what upset me. It would be much easier had she run inside. What next? Do I call? I don't want to call. What happened? She said she wanted to talk today before I left last night but I said, "No. It ends today or starts today." Anybody?

[Nomad]

YOU work with her, or your "mutual friend" works with her?

 

Don't you think the second date is a little early for ultimatums? Maybe she was just a little depressed that night, or tired, or sick or bored...I think the amateur psychologist stuff would probably be a turn-off. I don't know, maybe lighten up a little. You might have screwed up a potentially good thing.

[Rhythm28]

All 3 of us work together....what was I supposed to do, keep on pumping money, time, and effort into this chic? No, not me. You're either into me or you're not. You want to date me or you don't.

[Merin]

Originally posted by Nomad

YOU work with her, or your "mutual friend" works with her?

 

Don't you think the second date is a little early for ultimatums? Maybe she was just a little depressed that night, or tired, or sick or bored...I think the amateur psychologist stuff would probably be a turn-off. I don't know, maybe lighten up a little. You might have screwed up a potentially good thing.

 

Agreed.

 

I also think a second date is a little early for ultimatums.. Obviously this Girl is having some issues regarding her move there.. could be family problems or whatever.. and I also agree that perhaps she was just feeling a little depressed or not feeling well the night the 2 of you went out.

[Rhythm28]

I agree ulitmatums are never a good thing and I probably let my emotions get the best of me but:

 

 

First of all, it was her friend that set us up. Not my idea. It's never a good idea to date people from work. Second, she was milling around WAITING for me to ask her out one day after work. She stuck around an extra 15 minutes in the break room waiting for me to show up and when I did, she came over and sat with me. Third, I am not in the business of giving tours of the city of Chicago. She wants to see the sights, fine, let her friend show her or some other sap who wants to pay for dates that go nowhere. Fourth, in the car yesterday on the way to the restaurant she invited me to go to New York with her in 3 weeks! You don't just go inviting someone you just met on a trip! She made references to future dates as well. Fifth. If she is not interested in dating or ready for a relationship, why wear perfume, makeup and dress up nice. Why am I paying for the date?

 

Did I say some things I shouldn't have said, probably. But I'm not a "buddy" and I ain't gay.

[Zaira]

You're pushing her too hard, too fast. Most relationships start on a friendly basis, the sparks fly and then it progresses. I think you're expecting way too much, too soon.

[Rhythm28]

So let me see.....Go out with her 10 times, drop alot of $$$ and waste my time, effort, and energy and "wait" for the sparks? "boy I can't wait for date 13, that's when the sparks are gonna fly!" It's either there on the first date or it's not. You women know by the end of the first date if there's gonna be a second date or not. If there were no "sparks" for her, why did she go out on a second date? Is she a professional dater? Is she bored? Is she looking to gouge me for a free dinner? Is she sick and tired of sitting around the house and goes out with whoever calls her? Hmmmmm. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. She left something undone in New York and it reared it's ugly head yesterday.

[shygurl]

I can see why you did what you did but I think you were way too harsh. For all you know, maybe she was beginning to feel ill at the restaurant and was too embarassed to tell you...and that's why she became distant and wanted to cut things short.

 

Sounds like she was very shocked by what you said to her - which I'd guess is why she stood there and watched you go out to your car.

 

On one hand you were acknowledging that there was likely some reason she up and left her home and job - but then in the next breath you're not being very sensitive and you're telling her off and not to call you again.

 

It might have made more sense to have just asked her why she seemed so distant halfway through the date..........she very well might have given you an explanation.

[Rhythm28]

Hmmm well I didn't get all up in her face and yell at her nor did I tell her off. I admit I may have said some things that were out of line and inappropriate but go back and reread my posts. That should give you a little insight into my thinking. If she was repulsed by what I said, then why didn't she go right into her house? I wouldn't wanna look at someone that just pissed me off or stunned me. I did ask her halfway through the date what was wrong and she responded with a simple, "nothing". But I knew something was up.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by Rhythm28

Hmmm well I didn't get all up in her face and yell at her nor did I tell her off. I admit I may have said some things that were out of line and inappropriate but go back and reread my posts. That should give you a little insight into my thinking. If she was repulsed by what I said, then why didn't she go right into her house? I wouldn't wanna look at someone that just pissed me off or stunned me. I did ask her halfway through the date what was wrong and she responded with a simple, "nothing". But I knew something was up.

 

No need to condescendingly suggest I re-read your posts, the first time was enough. You come across as rather hostile and impatient. You seem obsessed with having to spend money on dates. Nobody said you have to take a date out to an expensive dinner - there's plenty of things a new couple can do in the beginning when you're just getting to know someone that don't have to cost much - nobody says it has to be dinner.

 

You asked her what was wrong but geez, she barely knows you - would you expect a girl is going to spill her guts about issues she may have "left" when she's out on the second date?

 

Maybe the reason she didn't go into her house after your tongue-lashing was because she was very interested in you and was sad that you'd said those things and she thought that if you saw her standing there, maybe you'd walk back up to her and give her a chance to open up.

 

If dating to you is all about what a bunch of money you're wasting, maybe you shouldn't date. Or maybe just date yourself.

[Rhythm28]

Funny. It's not about money. Money I can always make back. It's time that is lost forever. Who said it was an expensive dinner anyway? I wasn't expecting her to tell me everything. I didn't need to hear anything. It was all in her actions last night. I knew something was up. Maybe she thought she was past it but realized she wasn't. I'm ok with that. If she's not ready, then she's not ready.

 

Your two statements contradict each other. You say you can't expect her to spill her guts to me on our second date but yet she was perhaps "ready" for me to walk back up to her so she could spill her guts?

[Zaira]

RUSH RUSH RUSH RUSH RUSH There's nothing better than actually getting to know someone before you jump in to a full on relationship. Maybe this type of girl is just not the one for you.

[Mary3]

I dont like your additude and I think after she spent some time with you, she didn't like your attitude either .

[Rhythm28]

RUSH RUSH RUSH....let me see, who was rushing who? SHE'S the one who invited me to new york before the end of the second date. i waited 4 days after our first date to call her back and she actually asked me out for date #2. Also, her friend wouldn't get off my back about asking her out. The girl I took out is living with her best friend, her best friend's husband, her best friend's son, and her best friend's mother. So I'm sure she wants her to have a social life and not go crazy sitting in that house.

[Zaira]

Originally posted by Rhythm28

RUSH RUSH RUSH....let me see, who was rushing who? SHE'S the one who invited me to new york before the end of the second date. i waited 4 days after our first date to call her back and she actually asked me out for date #2. Also, her friend wouldn't get off my back about asking her out. The girl I took out is living with her best friend, her best friend's husband, her best friend's son, and her best friend's mother. So I'm sure she wants her to have a social life and not go crazy sitting in that house.

 

BUT who's the one complaining? If you want to know what's going on, call her and ask. Or ask her friend.

[Rhythm28]

I'm sure I'll hear something from her friend when I see her tomorrow at work. Good or bad, who knows. Thanks to everyone that responded. I value all of your opinions even if I don't agree with them

[clandestinidad]

I've NEVER been rude to someone on here like I am right now:

 

GOD you sound like an A$$h0l3!!!! Why dont YOU re-read your posts as if you were someone else, and hopefully youll get a glimmer of what you sound like!

 

You listed 5 things you dont like about different aspects of this girl youve been on 2 dates with!!! Besides that, you sounded extremely condescending and egotistical about it! As if....she's such a loser b/c she waited 15 min for me....and what kind of loser/weirdo asks me to New York (or wherever it was) with her?!?! etc

 

COME ON!!!! Get off your high horse

 

Perhaps you are reacting so harshly to HER and who she is/what she does because YOU feel rejected by someone you think youre better than. Or maybe it was just the feeling of rejection in general...I dont know....but whatever your feeling about it shouldnt be put on HER!!!

 

And since you keep mentioning the fact that you were an ass to her, drove off, and she was still standing there and "Why would she do that?!" I'll tell you: Its b/c she was already feeling down about something that probably had NOTHING to do with you, and you completely shocked/HURT her and walked off (JERK)...so hell yeah, I'd stand there too....confused and hurt and wondering what the f@ck just happened.

 

So what...it pissed you off that she didnt react like a little pansy-baby girl and run inside crying, like you wanted her to?! B/c I dont know why else you'd be so bothered by that if you didnt want some WEAK reaction on her part

 

Needless to say...dont bother dating this girl...youre already condescending and 'better' than her, so where could this ever go

[Mary3]

You have a very snotty-a@@ attitude !

 

She is smart to AVOID you.

 

We girls have built in RADAR for guys like you !

[shygurl]

Originally posted by kat23

I've NEVER been rude to someone on here like I am right now:

 

GOD you sound like an A$$h0l3!!!! Why dont YOU re-read your posts as if you were someone else, and hopefully youll get a glimmer of what you sound like!

 

You listed 5 things you dont like about different aspects of this girl youve been on 2 dates with!!! Besides that, you sounded extremely condescending and egotistical about it! As if....she's such a loser b/c she waited 15 min for me....and what kind of loser/weirdo asks me to New York (or wherever it was) with her?!?! etc

 

COME ON!!!! Get off your high horse

 

Perhaps you are reacting so harshly to HER and who she is/what she does because YOU feel rejected by someone you think youre better than. Or maybe it was just the feeling of rejection in general...I dont know....but whatever your feeling about it shouldnt be put on HER!!!

 

And since you keep mentioning the fact that you were an ass to her, drove off, and she was still standing there and "Why would she do that?!" I'll tell you: Its b/c she was already feeling down about something that probably had NOTHING to do with you, and you completely shocked/HURT her and walked off (JERK)...so hell yeah, I'd stand there too....confused and hurt and wondering what the f@ck just happened.

 

So what...it pissed you off that she didnt react like a little pansy-baby girl and run inside crying, like you wanted her to?! B/c I dont know why else you'd be so bothered by that if you didnt want some WEAK reaction on her part

 

Needless to say...dont bother dating this girl...youre already condescending and 'better' than her, so where could this ever go

 

When I read his arrogant posts, I couldn't help but feel really very sorry for this girl. How crushed she must have felt - being bawled out by this punk on her second date with him - only to have him just turn around and leave. It's obvious she's hurting and must have left something pretty bad behind....I'm sure that was just the icing on the cake. I imagine she was probably just complete dumbfounded that a guy could be so callous and rude to say such things.

 

I'll keep my fingers crossed that she meets a genuinely nice, caring and decent guy - not a chump who's in major need of an attitude adjustment.

 

The thing I don't get is - why does he even care? She was clearly so beneath him - so why wouldn't a big stud like himself just let it go?

[Rhythm28]

Slow down. I don't think anyone is weird for waiting around for me or asking me to NYC. It shows high interest level, that's all. Nothing to do with boosting my ego or seeing her as needy.

 

I don't mind rejection. But do it early, as in don't give me your phone number. Or when I call to ask you out, make up a lie and say you're busy. I'll get the hint.

 

You're probably right. I may have very well shocked her by all the **** that came out of my mouth. At that point I was probably condascending. Did I overreact and say things I shouldn't have said, I'm sure I did. But you've also gotta look at it from my point of view. I am not in the business of taking women out who aren't interested in me. That's why I went for the kiss. If you can't kiss me, you're either (A) not interested or (B) have an issue. I liked the girl so I told her I knew something was up. She admitted to it but I didn't press her. I was confused as well. How could someone be so into me one moment and be so distant the next? I panicked, said the wrong things and rushed out of there.

 

Did I want her to cry? No. Why would I want that? What's that gonna solve? Walk inside. Don't confuse me by standing outside like that.

 

Better than her? I don't know where you got that from. Date her? I walked away last night and left the ball in her court.

[clandestinidad]

I agree shygurl!!! Maybe its like those different types of birds that puff themselves up to look big and pretty, when theyre's really nothing there

 

I feel sorry for her too! It really sucks to feel like you have NO ONE...and then to have someone you barely even know being so rude....no one deserves someone so selfish and insensitive as that!!!

[shygurl]

Originally posted by Rhythm28

Slow down. I don't think anyone is weird for waiting around for me or asking me to NYC. It shows high interest level, that's all. Nothing to do with boosting my ego or seeing her as needy.

 

I don't mind rejection. But do it early, as in don't give me your phone number. Or when I call to ask you out, make up a lie and say you're busy. I'll get the hint.

 

You're probably right. I may have very well shocked her by all the **** that came out of my mouth. At that point I was probably condascending. Did I overreact and say things I shouldn't have said, I'm sure I did. But you've also gotta look at it from my point of view. I am not in the business of taking women out who aren't interested in me. That's why I went for the kiss. If you can't kiss me, you're either (A) not interested or (B) have an issue. I liked the girl so I told her I knew something was up. She admitted to it but I didn't press her. I was confused as well. How could someone be so into me one moment and be so distant the next? I panicked, said the wrong things and rushed out of there.

 

Did I want her to cry? No. Why would I want that? What's that gonna solve? Walk inside. Don't confuse me by standing outside like that.

 

Better than her? I don't know where you got that from. Date her? I walked away last night and left the ball in her court.

 

Now I think I get it. She crushed your ego by not kissing you and you reacted by being hostile and telling her off.

 

Word to the wise: not every girl/woman out there kisses someone she barely knows on the second date - if you want to take that to mean she wasn't interested in your, that's your prerogative. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you said something during dinner that hurt her feelings? Yes - you asked her if something was wrong and she said "nothing" but you could have said, "hey, you suddenly seem all quiet and like something's bothering you - do you want to talk about it?"

 

A girl who leaves her family and her home and her job like that, it must have been something bad. An abusive relationship? A guy hurt her badly? Maybe she was stalked? Raped? ...who knows...... but you didn't have to be so abrasive when you gave her your ultimatum. She owed you nothing although it would appear that if you dole out $ on a woman, you feel she owes you something.

 

If I was at a low place in my life and some guy spoke to me the way you did - I too would likely just stand there with my jaw dropped, feeling like I'd been sucker-punched........and I'd just be blown away. You think you left the ball in her court but come on, if a guy spoke to me like that, so harshly, I sure as hell wouldn't initiate him again because I'd be afraid if I did something else he didn't find "correct" that he'd verbally abuse me again/make me feel stupid.

[Rhythm28]

I wish she was in your town too. THAT way, she wouldn't lead guys on. If you're not ready for a relationship, hang out with your girlfriends. That's what they are there for. Don't go looking for free meals and someone to show you the city. I noticed no guys have responded. They're smart. They know better than to come on here and get flamed by what I like to call FEMINISTAS.

[Dasani]

tell us what went down at work the next... few days

[clandestinidad]

Youre awfully concerned w/ YOUR confusion and rejection...and youre not showing that you give a crap about HER confusion and rejection.

 

I understand that in your eyes, she got cold and distant...and it made you think she suddenly changed her mind about you. I get that part totally, and I understand that it made you stand-off-ish. Its normal for you to think/feel that way....and I now see that you know how hurtful and wrong it was to say those things to her, so thats good. You should call her asap and tell her that youre sorry for ending your date so rudely....and that should be all you need to say (b/c you dont want to dig yourself into a hole by going on and on explaining WHY you did it...girls dont care WHY you did something, we just want to hear that you wont do it again)

 

So anyway, I really think her distance had nothing to do with you or her thoughts about dating you. Perhaps something in the conversation brought something up in her mind....maybe she was missing her family?? I dont know.....but I do know that it had nothing to do w/ you.

 

About the kiss rejection....sometimes its b/c people dont like to kiss for a while....sometimes I dont want to kiss someone when I'm a little down about things....maybe she didnt want your first kiss to be when she was feeling depressed.....dont assume its b/c she's not into you

 

If she said all those things beforehand, she wouldnt just up and change her mind about you during the date for no reason......unfortunately you ended up GIVING her reasons, and you should rectify that asap

 

If she's not someone you want to date, then dont.....I still dont think you respect her enough to date her, and its not like that magically changes