Should I end this before he does?

[LauraXX]

I met this guy on Tinder four months ago. He just seperated from his wife and is planning to move back to his home country next year.

It was clear from the beginning that he wasn't boyfriend material, but I didn't worry too much, because he wasn't exactly my type and I wasn't too keen on a serious relationship anyway.

 

We texted for a while, went on a first date and really hit it off. He lives two hours away, but we saw each other frequently after the first date.

He came to visit me every week for the past months and usually stayed for two full days. We also took two short vacations together and texted frequently. After hanging out with him for a month I realized that I was developing feelings for him and decided to be the mature one and end it. However, that's when he surprised me with that first weekend trip and we had so much fun that I couldn't bring myself to do it. He met my friends, I met two of his friends. He started to leave stuff at my apartment. First his toothbrush, in the end it was even big items like a dog basket, his tool case etc. He started to make plans for the upcoming months (like going skiing together in January etc.).

I began to tell myself that we might actually have a chance. I pictured him calling off all plans to leave the country and getting into a commited relationship with me. We never spoke about that possibility though - it's just something that manifested in my mind because he was so overly attentive. I realize how naive that is.

 

So - fast forward to last week when he left to go on vacation for 3 weeks. He had that trip planned for a long time.

Since he's gone, he's been texting less. He's still the one who initiates the conversations (about once a day), but he sounds like a different person.

Still nice, but also very brief and no flirty tone, not the usual kissing emojis or "I miss yous" or anything like that. I also noticed that he updated his Tinder profile and is looking for 'fun and interesting people' at his holiday destination. Seeing that was like a punch to the stomach. We never had the exclusivity talk - but somehow I just assumed that we were exclusive. He also posted something on Facebook yesterday about moving abroad next year and really looking forward to that because he is 'so sick of living in XYZ'. That also hurt, because the past months have been such a great time for me and he's apparently so sick of it all.

 

The thing is: Now I feel betrayed and disappointed even though I can't really blame him for anything. He's not ghosting me. He never made false promises. I'm pretty sure that he will want to hang out as soon as he's back. My head tells me that I should pull the emergency brake and end things with him. My heart tells me that I'm in love with him and that I shouldn't give up on the chance of a few more great months with him just because of logic and reasoning. The stupid heart also keeps insisting that he might come around and change his mind if I only stick around long enough.

 

Please forum: What should I do? Listen to my head or to my heart? And if the head wins - should I end it via text while he's still on vacation (breaking up via text seems so immature). But pretending that everything is fine for another two weeks and then meeting him (and risking that I won't bring myself to do it) seems wrong as well. On the other hand: We'll have to meet anyway because my apartment is full of his stuff and he also has some of my things as well. I just know that I will get all choked up as soon as I see him. I have experienced rejection many times and I'm so scared of going through it again. I feel so stupid for having let my guard down with him

 

Oh, btw - we're both in our late 30s. Pathetic, I know.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I would end it. Your reaction to him still looking for fun on Tinder and announcing he's very ready to move home says it all. You're emotionally attached, but he isn't. I understand you're disappointed but you're seeing pretty clearly here that he hasn't wavered from his initial plans and is not serious about you. I don't think there's much sense in continuing to date him for a few more months since it's going to hurt you that much more as you see him preparing to leave.

 

I would wait until he is back, and talk. Texting him this while he's on holiday is only going to be awkward and you need to see him again at some point anyway so he can collect his belongings. Explain that you enjoy his company but since you know that you are ultimately on different paths, it's better to part ways now. Have him retrieve his things and make a clean break.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

By your own admission this wasn't exclusive relationship, and clearly he doesn't put much value in it, so I see nothing wrong with ending it via text while he is still on holiday looking to hookup with other woman.

 

I understand why you are so disappointed and hurt. It must have felt like it was building towards something, but you just got a cold slap of reality of where he stands now. You don't figure into the equation at all.

 

Therefore, all you can really do is look out for number one and let him know that he has your blessing to meet as many fun and interesting people he likes because you are done. Bye Felicia!

[d0nnivain]

I would talk to him in person. Do not break up over text. Tell him some of what you told us, that even without the talk you made certain assumptions about exclusivity & that you seem to be catching feelings. Explain that his FB post & his vacation Tinder activity hurt your feelings. Do acknowledge that you are changing the rules of engagement & he was free to see others but now you realize that hurts. See what he wants to do with that info. You may be providing him with a reason to stay. If he'd prefer to keep things casual, you need to get out not because you want more then he has to offer.

[BaileyB]

You somehow assumed that you were exclusive - with a recently separated but still married man?

[preraph]

I'm sorry. That sucks. I would be most hurt about him saying how bored he was there too. he sounds like he just goes ahead and Feathers his nest no matter where he is or whether he intends to stay. I think it wouldn't hurt to talk to him but I think what he's going to basically say or intend to say is that you're a real nice person and he really likes you but he's just not ready for commitment.

[LauraXX]

Thank you all for your replies. Yes, I did make false assumptions about the exclusivity (there were hints though...he made some comments).

 

 

 

Short feedback on the whole thing: I decided to wait until he's back and then basically tell him what I told you. In the meantime I was planning on not ignoring his texts, but keeping communication to a minimum. That must have triggered something, because he sent me about 10 text messages and tons of pictures since I last posted here (I didn't reply in between because I was actually busy). He also told me that he misses me and asked me if I wanted to meet as soon as he's back. Well.... I take that with a grain of salt. He probably didn't manage to find a Tinder date there and it must have bugged him that I took my time to reply to his messages. So yes, I know that this doesn't change the big picture. Makes me feel a bit better for the moment though and I'm still planning on having the talk with him as soon as he's back.

[kendahke]

I met this guy on Tinder four months ago. He just seperated from his wife and is planning to move back to his home country next year.

 

This is as far as I've read. Combined with the title of this thread, the answer is "YES!"

 

Only death or a divorce decree dissolves a legal marriage. Stay away from legally married people.

[LauraXX]

Another update. I'm aware that nobody here is waiting for an update but I don't have anybody IRL to discuss this with (my girlfriends told me to stay away from this guy from the beginning....) and it kind of helps me to see it all written down .

 

 

 

So, he was very communicative for the rest of his vacation. Texted me frequently, suggested things we could do together when he was back, sent tons of pictures. He even sent me a message straight from the plane right after he landed to tell me that he was back. But I still had a strange gut feeling and I noticed that he kept updating his Tinder profile every few days while he was gone

 

 

 

Now he's been back for four days and it's safe to say that I didn't just imagine that something has changed between us. He's texting less again, his messages are very brief and "to the point", he didn't ask me if I wanted to hang out yet. So after being in a terrible mood the whole day yesterday, I basically decided that I don't want to wait around for him any longer. So I asked him about his plans for next weekend and if he wanted to meet. No reply yet (after a whole day). A few weeks ago he would have answered seconds after reading my message and definitely jumped at the chance of hanging out (we spent every single weekend together for several months, so I KNOW that he is usually not very busy on weekends).

 

 

 

So, yeah. I guess that's it then. Now that it's so clear that he has lost interest, I don't even see the point in having him drive up 2 hours to my place just to end things in person. I might just do that via text after all.

 

 

 

I feel very hurt and disappointed even though it was so obvious that this wouldn't work out in the long run

[d0nnivain]

Are you kidding?

 

He stepped up his game but you basically went ghost. Did you at least send a welcome home text? Your decision to keep communication to a bare minimum gave him the impression that you want out. Especially since your goal was to deepen your connection, I hope you see where you minimalist plan backfired.

 

I's glad you reached out. I'm sorry he hasn't responded but he's playing your game. Minimal contact.

 

Him updated his Tinder profile is bad, however. Unfortunately if he's aware that you have been on there to see his updates, he may think you are also browsing for his replacement.

 

If you hope to have a relationship you two better talk & not over text.

[LauraXX]

Oh no, that's a misunderstanding. I kept communication to a minimum in the very beginning and it did work He reacted by stepping up his game and I replied to his messages accordingly. Of course he got a "Welcome Home" and when he texted me from the plane I also told him that I was looking forward to seeing him soon. The tone of my messages might not have been quite as "head over heels" as before (there IS the whole Tinder issue after all). But I really don't think he got the impression that I wanted out.

[d0nnivain]

Oh, well then I don't know what to tell you other than if your needs aren't getting met, out is your only option.

[BaileyB]

Of course he got a "Welcome Home" and when he texted me from the plane I also told him that I was looking forward to seeing him soon. The tone of my messages might not have been quite as "head over heels" as before (there IS the whole Tinder issue after all). But I really don't think he got the impression that I wanted out.

 

How could he know that "you are out." You haven't told him yet... Rather, you have continued to text him "welcome home" and "I'm looking forward to seeing you..." He is supposed to read your mind - to read between the lines and know that you haven't texted as frequently or been as "head over heals." Come on. If you are done, tell him you are done.

[LauraXX]

So a month has passed since I opened this thread. And I think I'm pretty much back to where I started with that guy.

 

 

We did have a good talk. It wasn't "THE TALK" and there are still open questions, but I know a bit better where he's at. It turned out that my whole fear of him pulling away when he was on vacation was unjustified. He actually had the feeling that I was having second thoughts and wasn't sure how to react. He basically asked me straight out if I hated texting with him, because my texting behaviour has changed so much since we first met. He also said, and did, some very thoughtful things that made me really happy but I don't want to bore you with the details.

Oh, and he met my parents. That was an accident though. We ran into them when we went out for dinner. But he was very relaxed about it and seemed genuinely happy to meet them. They really liked him as well.

 

 

 

The big picture is still the same though. He's still living with his ex. He's still planning on moving abroad probably late next year. We still don't have a future together.

 

 

 

I went on a few dates with another man. I've known him for a while but stopped seing him when things got more serious with guy no 1. After the whole vacation Tinder update drama I gave him a call and he took me out for dinner. I'm attracted to him and spending time with him is a nice distraction from obsessing over the guy that I really want spending so much time with his ex. But it also feels like I'm cheating. The whole concept of "not being exclusive" might be common in some countries, but it doesn't really exist in my culture and it just feels weird to me.

 

 

 

So that's the status quo. I'm happier than I was a month ago, but I know that that won't last forever. On some days I'm in a fantastic mood and feel very uplifted by the fact that two great guys want to spend time with me. On other days I feel sad and hopeless, because I don't have a future with the one that I really want and don't really want the one that I could have a future with. Why does this have to be so complicated

[ExpatInItaly]

The big picture is still the same though. He's still living with his ex. He's still planning on moving abroad probably late next year. We still don't have a future together.

 

Why does this have to be so complicated

 

It isn't complicated. There's no point in continuing to see the first guy, regardless of any other guy who have met. There's no future there.

 

There's also no point in continuing to see the second guy, when you are not doing so for the right reasons.

 

The best thing to do would be to stay single for a while, to allow yourself to emotionally detach from Guy 1. Then attempt dating again.

[BaileyB]

In the words of the Rolling Stones, "You can't always get what you want..."

 

It's not really all that complicated. And if it is, the person who made it complicated is you. You knew pretty much from the beginning that the first guy was not available - but you ignored that and developed feelings anyway... And now those feelings, are keeping you from exploring what may be possible with the second guy.

 

I agree with Expat - you should spend some time thinking about what you really want for your life... as a single woman for a little while. In the words of my dear mother, "You need to get your head on straight." Good luck!

[LauraXX]

In the words of the Rolling Stones, "You can't always get what you want..."

 

It's actually more of a "I can't get no satisfaction" situation right now.

 

 

Another month later and No. 1 is still "Mr. Mixed Signals". We spent every weekend together in the past month. He has decided to postpone his move back home and can picture himself staying in this country for the time being. He's actively trying to get to know my friends and family by asking to come along to parties etc. He's very caring and attentive when he's with me / has done a lot of repairs in my apartment / went out of his way to organize a special surprise for me etc. So basically...proper boyfriend behaviour.

 

 

 

At the same time he's avoiding conversations about our relationship status, his ex and getting divorced because he thinks it's awkward to discuss that. He hasn't told his ex that he's seeing somebody new because that would make things "complicated". We talked about having unprotected sex (I'm on the pill) and I told him that I would only consider that if I knew we were 100% exclusive. He said that he’s definitely not sleeping with anybody else and that he "will let me know in case that changes". Not exactly what I wanted to hear ... I mean... why would that ever change if he's not actively trying to change it? Or is that nitpicking?

 

 

 

And then there are some little things that I think are disrespectful. He's always late. He always waits until the very last minute to finalize plans with me. Like this upcoming weekend we're supposed to see each other. I just asked him this morning if we're still on (because I'd like to make other plans if we're not) and he said that he would really like to hang out but he has a sore throat and wants to wait and see how that turns out Call me paranoid but that does sound like a cheap excuse to me (however, that would be the first time in six months that he cancelled anything so I don't really have a reason to be suspicious). I HATE feeling so anxious.

 

 

Since I've been spending so much time with No.1 this month, I hardly had time for No. 2. He took me on a very nice date though. That was the 6th date I've had with him and it's getting a bit ridiculous that I always come up with excuses when he asks me to spend the night. The ****tier I behave towards No. 2 (like cancelling plans last minute because No. 1 made up his mind and wants to do sth.), the more he chases me and that is soooo good for my confidence right now. I know that it is very ****ty behaviour though and not really like me at all.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry. That sucks. I would be most hurt about him saying how bored he was there too. he sounds like he just goes ahead and Feathers his nest no matter where he is or whether he intends to stay. I think it wouldn't hurt to talk to him but I think what he's going to basically say or intend to say is that you're a real nice person and he really likes you but he's just not ready for commitment.

 

Hey, the guy needs sex and company.

[ChatroomHero]

 

Since I've been spending so much time with No.1 this month, I hardly had time for No. 2. He took me on a very nice date though. That was the 6th date I've had with him and it's getting a bit ridiculous that I always come up with excuses when he asks me to spend the night. The ****tier I behave towards No. 2 (like cancelling plans last minute because No. 1 made up his mind and wants to do sth.), the more he chases me and that is soooo good for my confidence right now. I know that it is very ****ty behaviour though and not really like me at all.

 

 

 

The way #1 is treating you is exactly the same way you're treating #2.

 

 

#1 is getting the confidence and ego boost from you and the more he treats you badly, the more you chase and want him. If you don't like how #1 treats you and it causes you distress, that is exactly what you are doing to #2 so, oh well, I guess turnabout is fair play.

 

 

 

 

I think it's pretty bad when you dislike how someone treats you, but apparently have no problem treating someone else the same way to blow up your ego. I think at some point you'll find #1 will move on to someone he actually wants to get serious with and #2 will get sick or your crap and move on, as he should.

 

 

If you know exactly what you are doing to #2 but keep doing it to make yourself feel better, that's pretty bad. But that's ok, building up your self-confidence at the expense of another's is always a good thing to do. I sure hope you have the decency to at least pay your way if not for the entire date when you go out with #2. I mean, to know what you are doing and let him pay anything for you on a date would be pretty lousy character.

[LauraXX]

. I sure hope you have the decency to at least pay your way if not for the entire date when you go out with #2. I mean, to know what you are doing and let him pay anything for you on a date would be pretty lousy character.

 

 

Yes, I know it sounds bad. And no - I don't let him pay for me on dates. Actually I'm the one who is investing more (financially) because he doesn't have a car and I keep driving to his city. And I always paid for my own food & drinks.

 

 

 

Sounds like a lame excuse but (little background story): No.2 is objectively much more attractive than No. 1. Guy No. 1 is 10 years older than No. 2 and more of a family man. No. 2 works as an actor & male model and is generally more of a "player type". I think he'd probably have lost interest in me by now if I wasn't pulling away as much as I do. His attention boosts my ego, yes. But I honestly don't think he'd take it too hard. Can't know for sure though, so that's why I do still feel bad about the whole situation.

[Gretchen12]

Laura, none of this matters. You said:

 

He's not your type.

 

You "fell in love" because attention from the opposite sex strokes the ego. That's the addictive part, that's why people can go online to fetch another one to stroke the same ego when this one stops. He is replaceable because it's about you. This is not true love, it's enjoying feeling good about yourself, but it's extremely hard to let go. When you meet your type and truly love, you know the difference.

[Redhead14]

I met this guy on Tinder four months ago. He just seperated from his wife and is planning to move back to his home country next year.

It was clear from the beginning that he wasn't boyfriend material, but I didn't worry too much, because he wasn't exactly my type and I wasn't too keen on a serious relationship anyway. <SNIP>

 

 

Sweetie, I've never been an advocate for pre-empting the possible actions of another person. When a person is in doubt about what to do about something, it's usually best to wait a bit at least. Maybe and it's a big maybe, he would ask you to come with him when he moves abroad? I think you should wait until he comes back and then sit down with him and have a discussion about what you each want and what your goals are and, if necessary, you two end things mutually. If he seems to be wanting to string you along through to the plan's he says he has for next year on FB, then just tell him you don't want to do that and end it now.

Edited October 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mx12345]

I read your entire thread and literally thought I was reading my own story from four years ago. I had my guy #1 and guy #2 to make me feel special when guy #1 wasn't around and he was who I really wanted to be with.

 

I knew off the bat guy #1 was an eternal bachelor type and I was heading in the wrong direction with him. But just as you, we were not exclusive but he did things and said things that made me question how he truly felt. He stopped by my work and brought me lunch, he introduced me to his sister, he talked about future plans with me. This last four months. Meanwhile I was also dating guy #2, cancelling dates when I was too tired from spending all day with Guy #1, not returning texts when I was spending the night with guy #1. And guy #2 was always there.

 

Let me tell you, it all ended terribly. Why? Because guy #1 never got off Tinder, guy #1 was never exclusive, guy # 1 found someone else when I started to ask more questions about the relationship. You can hang on in this state of limbo for a bit longer, but by making this thread and updating it, you're not happy. Tell Guy #1 what you are looking for, he'll either be on board or he wont be. My guess is he wont be, but at least you'll know and you can move on. And stop using Guy #2. Be better than that.

[NuevoYorko]

All esle aside, the guy is

 

1) still married & living with ex

2) not a permanent resident in your country

3) still on Tinder.

 

I get it that you like him a lot, but zero relationship material here.

[LauraXX]

I knew off the bat guy #1 was an eternal bachelor type and I was heading in the wrong direction with him.

 

 

I don't think #1 really is though. My #2 is the bachelor type and probably only sticking with me because I'm not always available. He sent me a message today saying that he's fascinated by the fact that the more I cancel on him, the more he wants me. He's basically the living clichee of the eternal bachelor (obsessed with his looks, goes partying every weekend, never wants to get married etc.).

 

 

 

#1 is actually more settled. Has been with his wife for almost 10 years and (claims) he never cheated. Lives in the middle of nowhere, has dogs, never goes out, jeans & t-shirt guy, likes the outdoors, is 10 years older than #2.

 

 

 

I think it's just terrible timing. He just got out of his marriage and is probably not willing to dive head first into the next relationship. Also there's his plan of moving back home at one point. And I knew that and decided to go out with him anyway However, as mentioned before, I wasn't really looking for anything serious either. I just happened to fall in love with that guy. That wasn't the plan at all.

 

 

 

Let me tell you, it all ended terribly. Tell Guy #1 what you are looking for, he'll either be on board or he wont be. My guess is he wont be, but at least you'll know and you can move on. And stop using Guy #2. Be better than that.

 

 

Yes, I'll have to speak to him and yes, I'm not happy with this whole situation. I'm not worried about losing BOTH guys over this. I know that #2 and I are not meant to be. I'm not in love with him and I know that we will go our separate ways very soon. It's just the thought of losing #1 that is stressing me out.

 

 

 

And it's so hard to do the "right" thing when we're in a good phase. This week for example he behaved like a model boyfriend again. Texted me frequently (even if I didn't have the time to reply in between because I was busy at work), sent me a cute list of activities he'd like to do with me, even asked me to spend more time at his place and meet his friends for a change (I've been waiting for him to say that for a long time). But do I see us as a couple this time next year? No, I don't My gut feeling tells me that it's not going to happen and that the expiration date is getting closer.