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Bad dates always remind me of good ones.


BluBell

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I'm new to this site and not sure if this is the right place to post this topic..but here it goes-

 

What's most difficult for me about dating again is that every single bad date makes me relive every great moment with my ex. I know it's wrong to compare, but I can't even control it. The other day I was sitting there in the middle of a terrible date and suddenly started to relive my first night with my ex, remembering how it felt when he grabbed my hand right away and all the chemistry we had. Right in the middle of a conversation with someone new where no chemistry would ever develop. In that moment it's literally all I can do to not start crying. If I'm being honest, this happens to me on every single date, not just the bad ones. The only thing that changes is the degree to which those memories come flooding in. The worse the date, the bigger the floodgate.

How long does it take to get past those feelings? It's been so many years, so many therapy sessions. Short of a memory eraser, what else can I do? It's not like I want to continue feeling this way. Are there people we can never get over, and it's hopeless to even try? I really have tried everything I know how to try.

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When a guy comes along who can generate those emotions within you, and it comes from him rather than your memories, that is when you found some potential.

 

Society has changed. If we men behaved with women on the first date they way that we could 25 years ago we'd probably get arrested or at least accused of something. If we grabbed a woman's hand romantically on the first date today the woman would probably go running down the street screaming for help.

 

The smart men are extremely cautious now.

The ones who aren't cautious aren't so smart and probably have a bunch of issues.

 

Just recognize that society has changed. Adjust for the change, and be patient. The good ones will probably take their time, they have a lot to risk.

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Is 6 years of dating enough time to say that I'm patient?

Most people I know don't understand how I haven't given up.

I don't think what I was talking about has anything to do with feminism. Many of my dates have been completely disrespectful so the #metoo movement still has a long ways to go. My ex never would have grabbed my hand on the night we met if the chemistry wasn't right- he's not some strange overly aggressive guy. He's still single today too. I just think we only get a few love connections in our lifetimes and some people are lucky, others not so much.

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Well color me stupid/with issues as I go for what I want on the first date and have never had any problems (even with no reciprocity).

 

OP - What were the circumstances of the breakup? I assume he broke up with you?

 

From a guys POV I believe that there can be people you don’t ever fully get over. I myself am in a new RL and 2 years out of my last serious one and the memories still haunt me.

 

I believe time and distance make it easier but the feelings never really go away if you REALLY loved someone or they had qualities you cannot find in another person. Moreover, we tend to look at the past though rose colored glasses and idealize that person into something they were not.

 

Unfortunately, the only choice is to move on.

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I don't think what I was talking about has anything to do with feminism. Many of my dates have been completely disrespectful so the #metoo movement still has a long ways to go.

 

 

It doesn't. Sorry that you got these responses. Those guys you were meeting just weren't connecting with you, it has nothing to do with feminism or equal rights.

 

 

Where are you meeting these guys, OP? Do you think it might work better if you went on fewer "first dates" but focused on improving other aspects of your life, while making more of an effort to be social in general, and being open to relationships developing organically from there? What do you do with your time when you're not working?

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Well color me stupid/with issues as I go for what I want on the first date and have never had any problems (even with no reciprocity).

 

OP - What were the circumstances of the breakup? I assume he broke up with you?

 

From a guys POV I believe that there can be people you don’t ever fully get over. I myself am in a new RL and 2 years out of my last serious one and the memories still haunt me.

 

I believe time and distance make it easier but the feelings never really go away if you REALLY loved someone or they had qualities you cannot find in another person. Moreover, we tend to look at the past though rose colored glasses and idealize that person into something they were not.

 

Unfortunately, the only choice is to move on.

 

Circumstances of breakup= I wanted marriage and he doesn't ever want to be married. At least one of us got what we wanted. For a long time I thought he just needed time to change his mind, was afraid, etc., but the truth is he would be married by now if that's at all what he wanted. I'll admit there's some relief to that- if he had married someone else I'd probably be obsessed with trying to figure out why she's better than me.

 

Things I've done to try to move on:

 

I moved 400 miles away, dated lots of people, spent a year and a half in therapy which clearly didn't work..ran a marathon, took antidepressants..I'm completely open to other suggestions. I will try almost anything. Things I won't try- illegal drugs, having sex with random people, jumping out of an airplane, or anything involving sharks.

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It doesn't. Sorry that you got these responses. Those guys you were meeting just weren't connecting with you, it has nothing to do with feminism or equal rights.

 

 

Where are you meeting these guys, OP? Do you think it might work better if you went on fewer "first dates" but focused on improving other aspects of your life, while making more of an effort to be social in general, and being open to relationships developing organically from there? What do you do with your time when you're not working?

 

Most of the guys I date- but not all- I meet online.

 

This is solid advice. I'm always working, pretty much. Or at the gym. I don't meet anyone new through my social circle because they're all married with children. Most of my good single friends live scattered across the country.

Finding time to build my social circle is something I need to do. It used to be effortless but my career is more demanding and free time these days is much more limited than it used to be.

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Circumstances of breakup= I wanted marriage and he doesn't ever want to be married. At least one of us got what we wanted. For a long time I thought he just needed time to change his mind, was afraid, etc., but the truth is he would be married by now if that's at all what he wanted. I'll admit there's some relief to that- if he had married someone else I'd probably be obsessed with trying to figure out why she's better than me.

 

Things I've done to try to move on:

 

I moved 400 miles away, dated lots of people, spent a year and a half in therapy which clearly didn't work..ran a marathon, took antidepressants..I'm completely open to other suggestions. I will try almost anything. Things I won't try- illegal drugs, having sex with random people, jumping out of an airplane, or anything involving sharks.

 

I understand women (most) want to be married.

 

But what’s more important to you? Having a ring or being with the man you love?

 

That’s assuming he would take you back. But as a woman, you have a SIGNIFICANTLY better chance of getting an ex back.

 

Not wanting to get married and not wanting to commit are two different things. Is it just the legal aspect he doesn’t want?

 

I know it’s not popular with the ladies, but to me (as a guy) it seems silly to leave someone with whom you are in love with because they don’t want to enter into a legal contract. That’s assuming they are open to committing/living with you.

 

More people are choosing not to get married. What I like about it is it is easy to leave, but they stay because they want to stay. Not because it is difficult to leave.

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I would absolutely rather be with him today, unmarried, than alone and burnt out on dating.

I don't care about a ring or a wedding; I think weddings are a racket. If I were getting married, I'd save the money and go to the courthouse and then throw a huge BBQ for everyone.

I don't need five bridesmaids to make me feel like I'm making the right decision. I'd probably feel differently if I hadn't been a bridesmaid several times- weddings are just such a headache for everyone!

 

But I do care about commitment, and I do want someone who feels so happy to be with me they don't want to think twice about marrying me. And I want a family. He didn't want to have children, and being responsible for my happiness in general really freaked him out. I actually watched him become more and more unglued the more he started to love me. He hated being vulnerable. He'd say he didn't want to ruin my life, I should find someone who'd give me the things I wanted. It was a pretty draining and really confusing breakup.

 

So I don't really think it's about "a ring", I think marriage is a level of commitment that means you are joining families, vowing to love each other through thick and thin, start a life together. I actually did try to convince him that I didn't care about any of that, but he just knew me too well. In the end, I feel that he let me go because he loved me. He could have strung me along for a really long time, and in the end it would have just hurt that much more.

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Most of the guys I date- but not all- I meet online.

 

This is solid advice. I'm always working, pretty much. Or at the gym. I don't meet anyone new through my social circle because they're all married with children. Most of my good single friends live scattered across the country.

Finding time to build my social circle is something I need to do. It used to be effortless but my career is more demanding and free time these days is much more limited than it used to be.

 

 

It does get more difficult to form a solid social circle (with lots of single people) as you get older. However, what if you tried taking the time that you already spend on those dates - I mean, it takes a lot of time, doesn't it? arranging to meet up, getting dressed and your hair/makeup done, etc - and using it to meet more people organically instead?

 

 

What are your hobbies? Could start with those.

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