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Complicated date at work, she(19F) "lost the spark" after first date


hieiz

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A little more than a month ago this girl(19) started working with us, she sits right in front of me. We talked casually till Wednesday two weeks ago, then I started to chase after her, she responded nicely, her interest level was high to even texting a little after work. On Friday that week she said that she needed to buy a father's day gift, so I casually invited her to go to the Mall on Saturday as we both needed to buy it.

 

On Saturday we met and bought the gifts under an hour, helping each other with the gifts, then I invited her to see a movie "Mamma Mia 2" which she happily agreed to. Waiting for the movie session we sit and talked for an hour. The movie was a Romance Musical, in the middle of it I've got anxious and tried to hold her hand, she accepted it and laughed. Five minutes after it she said "I need to go to the bathroom", I though that I messed everything, but then when she came back she grabbed my hand. "Ok everything is good" I though, in the end of the movie I made the move and kissed her. Then we started to act like a couple holding hands while walking for the rest of the date and kissed again after saying goodbye.

 

I didn't texted nor talked with her after it, trying to give her a space, on Sunday night before going to sleep I've texted her something along the lines "I liked our date, didn't texted you to respect your space. Hope you enjoyed fathers day with your family", she replied "I liked it too, hope you enjoyed too with your family, my father loved the gift".

 

On Monday things were a little strange I must say, it was weird for me to sit right in front of her, but I've tried to act normally. I've found that she told about everything that happened between us to a mutual friend in the work. That friend also said to me that she was happy for us and would encorage us as a couple.

 

After work she needed to go to the college and I asked if it was ok to go with her since I was going to a place near there too. When we stepped out of the job, I've tried to hold her hand but she said "I don't want this way and I'm new at the job...", ok I was stunned. Just accepted and let it go, we still walked together talking friendly as always and she hugged me before saying goodbye after we arrived her college.

 

The next day I talked about what happened with our mutual friend, she showed me the texts between her and the girl, basically she was saying that things went too fast and she got scared and that kissing on the first date made things "lose magic". An interesting message that she sent was telling "He is great!!" which made me think that maybe I didn't screw things at all...

 

On that same week (Friday) that friend talked to me again about how things were and she said that the girl right now is "confused" and just wants to be alone, also telling me that she is too young and because of that I cannot understand her (I'm 28).

 

Now almost two weeks after the date she is "warm and cold" with me, we only talk at work, no more smartphone texting, I didn't tried to text her yet to see how things would go. On the "warm" days she comes to me and start talking about personal things. On the "cold" days if we talk it is only about work.

 

I'm really lost how should I proceed with her to rekindle that spark, based on what I know she may be scared because of the job, or because she thinks she doesn't have time for a relationship, or because she fears that a relationship may make her lose her freedom.

 

 

A little that I know about her:

19 yrs, started college this year. Has a lot of friends and a lot of guys after her. She is really busy with work and college, on weekends she usually take French class and goes out to parties with her friends. Sometimes she just stay home with family. Sometimes doing charity in a group that she is volunteer. It's a girl with golden heart, treats everybody well and with respect. She is also really beautiful, to a degree that when she joined our company everybody was talking about her.

 

About her life at all, I know that with 2 yrs her biological father and her mother divorced, she still has some contact with him. At 3 yrs her mother married again with her stepfather (they met and married in 4 months. WOW a first date kiss is fast for her?!?!). She really loves him as her father, because of his job she had to move constantly living in seven different cities during youth. 3 yrs ago she had a first boyfriend and that relationship lasted a little more than a year, she says he was abusive and tried to control her, saying bad things about her friends and things like that.

 

 

I think that sums up everything important, I can give more details if needed.

Thank you for the help!!

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I think her decision is totally understandable. When I was her age, I had a fling with a guy your age. It was fun. But due to the age difference, a fling was all it was ever going to be for me - but it turned out that he saw some type of potential between us. I'm not sure why he would have thought that I'd settle down with someone who was at a completely different life stage to me.

 

With this girl, she likely went out with you because you get on well and she was probably flattered that an older man took interest in her. (At her age, you are most certainly an older man). Perhaps she was interested in a casual bit of hand holding or kissing, but you've gone all relationshippy on her because it appears you want sustained interest and companionship.

 

On reflection, she recognises that the two of you are worlds apart in terms of life stages, she doesn't want a relationship with you and doesn't want to risk making an unpleasant office environment by dating in it. Heck, the poor girl was only there a month before you made a move! All very wise thoughts on her part.

 

She's also correct that you don't understand her. As evidenced by the fact that you're not respecting her refusal to date and unspoken desire to create distance. Let this one go. Just treat her like any other girl in the office - with courtesy, respect and basic friendliness.

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This is a very common mistake....treating a girl like a woman, and expecting anything to make any logical sense. She goes by her emotions hence the hot and cold. The second biggest mistake you can make is taking her too seriously, or expecting anything consistent or sensible. I also attract women that are much younger than I, and I cannot take them seriously at all. I certainly would not spend time dating them.

 

 

 

This girl knows where she is with you which is why she lost the 'spark' what ever that means...but if she did not know where she stood, or exactly how you felt about her, she would have been raving about you. The fact that she already confided in one of the girls at work shows she can't keep anything to herself which is a red flag in itself. No doubt that 'friend' could easily influence her behavior and what she thinks of you too.

 

 

My advice, stop taking her seriously and treat it like a game, or simply do not play.

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ExpatInItaly

She's too young for you, OP. I don't mean in the legal sense, but in the emotional sense. She is a teen and inherently lacks the experience that you probably already have, and operates on a completely different pace than you.

 

I would just leave it and keep things professional at work. She's not interested, and it's not necessarily your fault. She's just at a completely different point in her life than you are. You are nearly 30 and she is just entering the adult world. Relationships with an age gap like this - at your respective ages - rarely works out well.

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She doesn't dislike you per se & you did nothing wrong. There is a fairly large age gap but there is an almost insurmountable lifestyle gap. She wants to be a carefree college coed. You are well past that.

 

You had fun on your date but that is all that will ever come of it. Be professional at work but drop this. You don't want her to complain to HR that you are sexually harassing her.

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Stay in your own lane as far as dating is concerned. She's a college student and most likely will be returning to her studies in a few weeks unless she's a drop out. She's not really checking for guys 10 years older than her. She's not sufficiently interested, she's more concerned about being professional in the work place and not coming across as your girlfriend there, which is understandable.

 

You need to stand down on this. She's not going to be consistent with you.

 

And for everything that is good and holy, keep 3rd parties out of your business. This isn't junior high school. A woman who cannot conduct her relationship without running it past a committee for approval is a woman who should be avoided.

Edited by kendahke
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She is a young woman who just started a new job, an cute older guy asked her out and so she went for it. She realised you may wanted more than what she was willing to give...starts to back away...

 

Also strange move to grab her hand at work, you been on ONE date and its quite an possessive move to make at that point.

 

Just leave it, if she is interested she will come to you.

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I think her decision is totally understandable. When I was her age, I had a fling with a guy your age. It was fun. But due to the age difference, a fling was all it was ever going to be for me - but it turned out that he saw some type of potential between us. I'm not sure why he would have thought that I'd settle down with someone who was at a completely different life stage to me.

 

With this girl, she likely went out with you because you get on well and she was probably flattered that an older man took interest in her. (At her age, you are most certainly an older man). Perhaps she was interested in a casual bit of hand holding or kissing, but you've gone all relationshippy on her because it appears you want sustained interest and companionship.

 

On reflection, she recognises that the two of you are worlds apart in terms of life stages, she doesn't want a relationship with you and doesn't want to risk making an unpleasant office environment by dating in it. Heck, the poor girl was only there a month before you made a move! All very wise thoughts on her part.

 

She's also correct that you don't understand her. As evidenced by the fact that you're not respecting her refusal to date and unspoken desire to create distance. Let this one go. Just treat her like any other girl in the office - with courtesy, respect and basic friendliness.

 

 

Thank you for the answer.

 

I'm trying to give her space, but there are times where she comes to me to talk about personal life, or even invite me to go out with our work friends. My intentions were clear, I don't want to give that impression that I want friendship. I think I'll just let things go as they are while focusing myself on my personal growth.

 

I can perfectly understand the office environment issue as I myself had a rule "No Date in Office" that I broke with her. You seem to understand my point very well too, as you said I'm interested in companionship and I've found in her a really nice potential to work things out. I've been the last two years dating some girls and having casual relationships, but for the first time someone really catched my attention to invest into something more relationshippy.

 

I would like to understand better about this life stage difference, this is the first time I've dated someone with an age difference that's more than 4 yrs. I've grown up in a environment where most couples of my family have really long age difference and have a really nice relationship. For example, my parents met at age 34M and 20F, so I've never could see age as a problem. How that life stage thing impact in your opinion?

 

I can also think about the "mental age", in that aspect I'm really cool with it since I usually hang out with friends on twenties(parties and such) and friends on thirties (travels and such).

 

 

 

This is a very common mistake....treating a girl like a woman, and expecting anything to make any logical sense. She goes by her emotions hence the hot and cold. The second biggest mistake you can make is taking her too seriously, or expecting anything consistent or sensible. I also attract women that are much younger than I, and I cannot take them seriously at all. I certainly would not spend time dating them.

 

 

 

This girl knows where she is with you which is why she lost the 'spark' what ever that means...but if she did not know where she stood, or exactly how you felt about her, she would have been raving about you. The fact that she already confided in one of the girls at work shows she can't keep anything to herself which is a red flag in itself. No doubt that 'friend' could easily influence her behavior and what she thinks of you too.

 

 

My advice, stop taking her seriously and treat it like a game, or simply do not play.

 

Thank you for the answer.

 

This happens with me a lot too, maybe because I have a "childish" face, people usually think I'm around twenties. Well, but this is the first time a really younger girl could catch my attention.

I couldn't see it as a red flag what she told to our friend because she really seemed scared, maybe in her shoes I'd have done the same, but you are right that this friend can have some influence as she is more like a "tutor" for her in the work.

 

I'm not the kind of guy that like games, I think those things don't get us anywhere... btw by "spark" I mean attraction.

 

 

 

She's too young for you, OP. I don't mean in the legal sense, but in the emotional sense. She is a teen and inherently lacks the experience that you probably already have, and operates on a completely different pace than you.

 

I would just leave it and keep things professional at work. She's not interested, and it's not necessarily your fault. She's just at a completely different point in her life than you are. You are nearly 30 and she is just entering the adult world. Relationships with an age gap like this - at your respective ages - rarely works out well.

 

Thank you for the answer.

 

As I said before, this is the first time I've dated someone so much younger and I have a background of family couples with a long age gap...

Thank you for the input, I'm a professional employee and don't want to make things look bad at work, specially for her since this is only her second job.

I only feel sad because even with ex-girlfriends I've never had this much hype to know someone better, felt a good connection with her.

 

 

She doesn't dislike you per se & you did nothing wrong. There is a fairly large age gap but there is an almost insurmountable lifestyle gap. She wants to be a carefree college coed. You are well past that.

 

You had fun on your date but that is all that will ever come of it. Be professional at work but drop this. You don't want her to complain to HR that you are sexually harassing her.

 

Thank you for the answer.

 

I'm already basically moving on, just wanted to understand her better to have sure if there was any chance at the moment. Well, as some says "the right person at the wrong time" maybe.

 

 

Stay in your own lane as far as dating is concerned. She's a college student and most likely will be returning to her studies in a few weeks unless she's a drop out. She's not really checking for guys 10 years older than her. She's not sufficiently interested, she's more concerned about being professional in the work place and not coming across as your girlfriend there, which is understandable.

 

You need to stand down on this. She's not going to be consistent with you.

 

And for everything that is good and holy, keep 3rd parties out of your business. This isn't junior high school. A woman who cannot conduct her relationship without running it past a committee for approval is a woman who should be avoided.

 

Thank you for the answer.

 

Very good point about her in the work environment. She's young and has too many things happening in her life, I can understand this lack of consistence.

 

 

She is a young woman who just started a new job, an cute older guy asked her out and so she went for it. She realised you may wanted more than what she was willing to give...starts to back away...

 

Also strange move to grab her hand at work, you been on ONE date and its quite an possessive move to make at that point.

 

Just leave it, if she is interested she will come to you.

 

Thank you for the answer.

 

I can see that pretty clearly now, also the move to grab her hand was after work without nobody else near us (pretty empty street). Maybe it's a thing of culture, I'm used to after a date like that in which we acted like a couple to be okay to hold hands again as we are "dating". As I said it's "okay" here, specially with people around her age. But I can see it as a mistake now, it really was too much too soon and I'll learn from that. From what I know about her ex background the last thing I was trying to make is suffocate her.

 

 

I think we had a good time together, well, maybe in the future, idk.

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ExpatInItaly

OP, your parents might have an age gap that posed little difficulty, but they're also from a different generation.

 

Young people now have more opportunities right at their fingertips, to focus on their education and careers and fun, compared to the opportunities our parents may have had at the same age. Expectations of dating and marriage and starting families have also generally shifted dramatically, if we compare the habits of today's youth with that of our mothers and fathers.

 

It works sometimes these days, when you're talking about a girl in her late teens and a man nearing his 30s, but I thus far don't know any who stayed together. I myself am 14 years younger than my partner, but we also met when I was 34 and had my wilder years of fun and exploration already behind me. This girl is just now embarking on that.

 

Anyway, she isn't giving you really any indication that she wants another date. She is friendly with you, but I don't see a lot of interest beyond that.

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OP, your parents might have an age gap that posed little difficulty, but they're also from a different generation.

 

Young people now have more opportunities right at their fingertips, to focus on their education and careers and fun, compared to the opportunities our parents may have had at the same age. Expectations of dating and marriage and starting families have also generally shifted dramatically, if we compare the habits of today's youth with that of our mothers and fathers.

 

It works sometimes these days, when you're talking about a girl in her late teens and a man nearing his 30s, but I thus far don't know any who stayed together. I myself am 14 years younger than my partner, but we also met when I was 34 and had my wilder years of fun and exploration already behind me. This girl is just now embarking on that.

 

Anyway, she isn't giving you really any indication that she wants another date. She is friendly with you, but I don't see a lot of interest beyond that.

 

You're right, things shifted a lot from our parents generation. Well as an adult I'll try handle things with her professionally at work, friendly out of work and see how things go in the future as I don't like to "close" doors.

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You're right, things shifted a lot from our parents generation. Well as an adult I'll try handle things with her professionally at work, friendly out of work and see how things go in the future as I don't like to "close" doors.

 

You may not want to close doors, but be prepared that she's going to be living a college lifestyle with all the fun and mistakes and discoveries it may entail. There will be drunken snogging of boys at parties, there will be boys (boyfriends!) of her own age, there may be travel, there will be different lifestyles tried while she figures out who she is and what she wants.

 

Earlier you wanted to know more about age differences. She will want to do all this with her peers who are also doing it for the first time.

 

Also, the fact that she's still sharing personal details with you and is friendly means that she sees you as a friend. This is exactly how women act with our friends - we share our thoughts and feelings.

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You may not want to close doors, but be prepared that she's going to be living a college lifestyle with all the fun and mistakes and discoveries it may entail. There will be drunken snogging of boys at parties, there will be boys (boyfriends!) of her own age, there may be travel, there will be different lifestyles tried while she figures out who she is and what she wants.

 

Earlier you wanted to know more about age differences. She will want to do all this with her peers who are also doing it for the first time.

 

Also, the fact that she's still sharing personal details with you and is friendly means that she sees you as a friend. This is exactly how women act with our friends - we share our thoughts and feelings.

 

 

Oh, I'm okay with this and I really think that she needs to go out and have fun since it looks like that it is what she wants now. I'm not that kind of guy that has "platonic love" and will be jealous or mad about those things that will happen. Well, I'll be doing the same probably since I "lost" my youthness in two relationships that lasted about 5 years.

 

About the friendly feelings, I don't know... I have some female friends and it feels different with her, we are not close about thoughts and feelings, it's more like a daily casual talk about what we did on weekends, what do we like, places we would like to go and such. I'm good this way since I don't want to be labeled as a friend that can give her emotional support.

 

 

What do you think about the "flirty friend" approach? Keep this casual talk and sometimes out of work give hints and compliments without actually chasing.

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ExpatInItaly
. What do you think about the "flirty friend" approach? Keep this casual talk and sometimes out of work give hints and compliments without actually chasing.

 

I'm not sure there's much point, really.

 

It's doubtful that she wants a relationship with you or that the flirting would amount to anything.

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Also be aware that she still has 2 years before she even turns 21. That's the age she can start clubbing so the partying hasn't even started yet for her. I really don't see how you thought a 19 year old would be a good companion.

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I'm not sure there's much point, really.

 

It's doubtful that she wants a relationship with you or that the flirting would amount to anything.

 

I've already thrown off the idea of a relationship with her for the moment, thanks to the comments here, now I see that it isn't the right time for her and maybe neither for me. Maybe in the future, who knows.

 

The flirting part would be for a casual thing.

 

 

Also be aware that she still has 2 years before she even turns 21. That's the age she can start clubbing so the partying hasn't even started yet for her. I really don't see how you thought a 19 year old would be a good companion.

 

 

I've never been with a girl this young so I'm still understanding how their mind works, pretty nice first experience though.

Also here in my country people start clubbing around 16, she already does that, actually today she just invited me to go to a nightclub with her and her friends but I refused lol

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Good for you for realizing she's not compatible with you. If I were you start dating outside your work place and don't consider anyone at work an option.

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Good for you for realizing she's not compatible with you. If I were you start dating outside your work place and don't consider anyone at work an option.

 

 

Thanks.

I've always had this "Don't **** where you eat" mentality, I'm actually surprised with myself for breaking my own rules. I've been working here for 4 years, it's a weird office, there are some couples in committed relationships that both work here and also a lot of stories of casual dates between employees so I though "Why not?".

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Thanks.

I've always had this "Don't **** where you eat" mentality, I'm actually surprised with myself for breaking my own rules. I've been working here for 4 years, it's a weird office, there are some couples in committed relationships that both work here and also a lot of stories of casual dates between employees so I though "Why not?".

 

Now you know why not.

It's not worth it, in my opinion. Those other individuals can proceed and embroil themselves if they want. They may not have the same goals as you or the same idea of what career means or the same work ethic.

 

You're only 28 and you have your entire career in front of you. It shouldn't be limited to one company the rest of your life unless there are some extraordinary circumstances. Most individuals will work at several workplaces in their life time and it's no longer a stigma on your resume. Be long range thinking and don't be so short-sighted when it comes to your future. There are plenty of dates outside of any given work place. If you're a real catch, it won't be hard for you but you'll have to do the leg work and make sure you're someone worth fighting for or dating!

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What do you think about the "flirty friend" approach? Keep this casual talk and sometimes out of work give hints and compliments without actually chasing.

 

Given that she's told you she's not interested and you're a significantly older coworker, I wouldn't do it.

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