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She needs some space!!!!!


Travis_T

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Hey all. I've been seeing a girl for right at 2 months now. Its been a helluva whirlwind. We met online, and the connection was so unreal that we decided to meet that very first day!! We met that evening for some food and a couple drinks, sat on my porch and literally stayed up ALL NIGHT lost in conversation, we watched the sun come up and both went to work feeling like death lol.

 

It's been absolutely amazing ever since, and it wasnt long before I was having serious feelings about wanting something definite and long term with her, and she felt the same way. We've had conversations where we were both so emotionally happy with one another that we cried together. I've NEVER experienced anything like this.

 

Fast forward to approx 2 weeks ago, I sense a change in things. She says she is dealing with some personal emotional issues and needs some time and space. Says she's never really been single, and feels she needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy in a relationship, etc, and most of this came out of the blue for me. The worst part for me is, there's a lot of back and forth.....she'll cry on the phone about how in love with me she is, she'll send me texts saying how much she misses me and wishes we were together, etc, and then the next day she wont return calls or texts. Shes asked me to wait on her, promised me that we'd come back together, but then the next day she'll be cold as ice. I'll ask her if I should just move on with my life, to which she responds 'if that's what you need to do'. I'll bring up the fact that she asked me to wait for her, and she'll say I do, but I just dont know how long I need. I'll ask her how she knows she won't meet someone else while we're apart, and she'll say that she doesn't know that won't happen.

 

I love and cherish this woman, but these mixed signals and back and forth antics are really affecting me emotionally. She'll say one thing one day, and then either by words or actions, say something completely different the following day.

 

Can someone chime in, here? My brain and heart are seriously in need of a relief.

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There are 100s of stories like yours on here. What you've experienced is the euphoria of a new relationship but one of you wasn't experiencing it for the right reasons. It happened to me, and probably happened to everyone I know. There is nothing you can do but to accept it was good while it lasted and now it's over.

 

 

 

Dating experience kicking in usually hurts. Be wary of relationships that starts like fireworks, they usually die like fireworks as well.

 

 

 

I am sorry for your heartbreak.

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You have only known this chick for 60 days. You neither love nor cherish her. You have enjoyed the whirlwind that has been your interaction but it was too much too fast & now has burned out. Let her have all the space she wants needs but understand she won't be back. She's a thrill of the chase kind of girl. I was once myself. As soon as you started getting serious, she's done. She loves falling in "love". She is addicted to the thrill of that initial infatuation but has zero desire to sustain a relationship Sorry.

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I'll ask her if I should just move on with my life, to which she responds 'if that's what you need to do'.

 

Translation: "Yes, move on with your life. I don't want to be what you need. Yeah you're fun and everything, but I don't want this".

 

NO. WOMAN. who is into you will wax indifferent and turn you out to go date other women.

 

You need to dial back your devotion to her. She's got a "meh" attitude towards you not being in her life. That's really bad at the 2 month mark, but you're square in the part of new relationships where the weak ones fail. The representative that sat up all night talking with you has been dismissed and the real her has come to the fore--and the real her isn't into cultivating anything with you if she's telling you to go date other women.

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Ok Travis. You really screwed this up. I'm not going to be easy on you. You are the man in the situation, you are supposed to be the "rock" and the leader in the situation that keeps it from going off the rails, and you failed miserably.

 

Hey all. I've been seeing a girl for right at 2 months now.

7-8 weeks is the point where a healthy dating situation first become "exclusive" after the woman brings it up first.

 

Its been a helluva whirlwind.
Huge red flag

 

sat on my porch and literally stayed up ALL NIGHT lost in conversation, we watched the sun come up and both went to work feeling like death lol.
Way too much time spent on a first date. It was irresponsible, lacking discipline. You can not be the leader in a relationship if you don't value your occupation, and stay focused on being the kind of provider that a family would need if you got married, and show emotional discipline.

 

and it wasnt long before I was having serious feelings about wanting something definite and long term with her,
Not good. You're wanting to "lock 'er down" right away. It doesn't work like that. She will bring up being exclusive when she is ready. It takes about 7-8 weeks to get there and that is if you don't make a bunch of mistakes.

 

and she felt the same way.
Or so you thought...

 

We've had conversations where we were both so emotionally happy with one another that we cried together.
Not good. Too emotionally out of control.

 

She says she is dealing with some personal emotional issues and needs some time and space. Says she's never really been single, and feels she needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy in a relationship, etc, and most of this came out of the blue for me.
That is woman-speak for "I'm getting the heck outta here!" Too much, too fast, too intense, too out of control, too much lack of discipline. Pretty much too much of everything. You over-whelmed her and emotionally burnt her out.
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Thanks for the responses, everyone. I keep trying to entertain the possibility that shes going through something emotionally that she cant control, and that when she says things like move on, she really doesn't mean them, shes testing me or what have you. An hour after she said that, she sent a selfie with the caption 'I Miss You'. That's the kind of back and forth that I'm referring to.

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Thanks for the responses, everyone. I keep trying to entertain the possibility that shes going through something emotionally that she cant control, and that when she says things like move on, she really doesn't mean them, shes testing me or what have you. An hour after she said that, she sent a selfie with the caption 'I Miss You'. That's the kind of back and forth that I'm referring to.

 

 

She's not testing you. You need to take her at her word, especially when she tells you thing you don't want to hear.

 

You want her to be going through something because you are hopeful she's come back. You are deluding yourself.

 

It started fast & burned out. That is the reality.

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Thanks for the responses, everyone. I keep trying to entertain the possibility that shes going through something emotionally that she cant control, and that when she says things like move on, she really doesn't mean them, shes testing me or what have you. An hour after she said that, she sent a selfie with the caption 'I Miss You'. That's the kind of back and forth that I'm referring to.

 

 

That's how people freshly out of relationships act like. They don't know what they want so they go back and forth. She is using you as a band-aid on her wounds (it's done unconsciously). Is that what you want to be? or you'd prefer a woman with her full head on?

 

 

Says she's never really been single, and feels she needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy in a relationship,

 

She needs to be on her own and figure herself out, give it to her. If you force this she will simply run away later in the relationship and you'll be hurt as twice. Also, don't be waiting on her, when these people emotionally get back on their feet it's rarely you they want to move on with. Men and women coming out of relationships will need a couple of transition gf/bf before definitely moving on.

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Thanks for the responses, everyone. I keep trying to entertain the possibility that shes going through something emotionally that she cant control, and that when she says things like move on, she really doesn't mean them, shes testing me or what have you. An hour after she said that, she sent a selfie with the caption 'I Miss You'. That's the kind of back and forth that I'm referring to.

 

She's not testing you and she really does mean it--else she wouldn't have said that.

 

If she was interested, she wouldn't be so indifferent.

 

You're telling yourself this lie to not take responsibility for you latching onto her after one night and handing over bucket-loads of devotion she hasn't earned.

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An emotional healthy person doesn't love you and miss you one day and go cold the next. Crying about how in love you are with someone isn't something an emotionally stable person does either.

 

You are very much infatuated and are at a point where you just start getting to know each other. She's obviously not willing or able to move forward with you to get beyond that infatuation phase.

 

Let her go. Holding on is only going to make you miserable and anxious. If she is really the girl for you and feels all the things she told you she does for you she won't meet someone else and get involved while she's taking some space. If she does then you'll have your answer very clearly. And you WILL find someone else to love and cherish and see this for the infatuation it is.

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ExpatInItaly

This isn't going to work, OP.

 

You have known her for 60 days. You are in lust, but you don't even know her well enough to love and cherish her. I know it's hard not to get swept up in the excitement of a new crush, but you should have pumped the brakes and approached this in a much more measured way.

 

She sounds like the type who dates as a coping mechanism. What I mean is that she's evidently got some personal issues to sort out - be it loneliness with men, a previous boyfriend, boredom in her life, whatever. And she went diving in head-first with you as a way of distracting herself and making herself feel good. It's not the healthy way to begin a relationship.

 

As the others have said, she's not testing you. She liked you, but has no clue what the heck she wants. I would move on. It's likely to be a continuous headache for you if you don't.

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She's obviously confused about something, and I have a feeling she hasn't told you the complete truth. I think there is someone, like an ex, or a crush, has contacted her and now it has messed her feelings up. Give her her space for now..and tell her you are doing it for her, that she needs to figure herself out.

 

 

When the dust settles, then you will have your answer whether she's coming back or now. It's going o be up in the air for awhile, but it won't be too long, say about 2 or 3 weeks....a month at the most. Hang in there.

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40somethingGuy
Thanks for the responses, everyone. I keep trying to entertain the possibility that shes going through something emotionally that she cant control, and that when she says things like move on, she really doesn't mean them, shes testing me or what have you. An hour after she said that, she sent a selfie with the caption 'I Miss You'. That's the kind of back and forth that I'm referring to.

 

 

I'd venture to say you took the 'thrill of the chase' from her by being REALLY available and worse, you probably opened up (and your heart) to her way too soon. You need to portray yourself as someone who has a life outside her and while you will make time for her, you aren't just always there immediately. I bet you probably were there at her beckon call which shows you care and like her a lot but what happens is that the thrill of the chase is gone and she loses interest. We've all been there so don't feel bad. Why is it that guys who don't spill their hearts or always drop what they're doing for a girl always seem to keep them? They understand a girl's need for the chase. The guy who writes love poems and always is there all the time early on will almost always get launched and don't understand why. You sound a little beta and read up on characteristics of an alpha. It will take practice and sometimes when you have nothing better to do and she wants to see you, say you can't and are busy but suggest a different time. That will maybe plant a seed in her head that maybe you have other options which will increase your attractiveness.

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This is over, sorry to say.

 

First of all, your magical beginning ... often a sign that the two people are performing and avoiding conflict ... fusing is the psychological word. You sorta get together so fast ... pretend you have no differences or outside interests.

 

The problem is at some point you have to face that you two ARE different, have different histories, beliefs, families, dating views, sides of the bed you sleep on, schedules, and so on ...

 

A serious relationship has to have the emotional quality ... sounds like you guys had that ... but a serious relationship also requires the two people to work out the practical stuff ...

 

Both of you sound very needy ... If you were both less needy, no need to make the start a whirlwind. You would have the confidence that things will work out and the relationship will intensify over time.

 

Most likely she was "holding her breath" when spending so much time with you early on ... Meaning, she could not sustain that level of intimacy and closeness ... and stay in contact with herself. That's what happens when you go too fast. She was performing and not being herself. You experienced a steroids version of her.

 

On the conflicting texts, that's just her trying to let you down easy. She doesn't realize she's actually prolonging your agony when she sends such conflicting messages to you.

 

The taking time to herself thing ... a sign that she is overwhelmed by dating you and spending time with you. If you guys were a good fit, she'd call on you to support her through this time. She's overwhelmed so she needs "air." People like that will always need air. Because frankly, air is around all the time, but they don't know how to breathe and be in relationship at the same time.

 

I get how painful and disorienting it is for a great two months to suddenly crash into a wall. You can't believe the magic is gone. But it was borrowed magic.

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Hey all. I've been seeing a girl for right at 2 months now. Its been a helluva whirlwind. We met online, and the connection was so unreal that we decided to meet that very first day!! We met that evening for some food and a couple drinks, sat on my porch and literally stayed up ALL NIGHT lost in conversation, we watched the sun come up and both went to work feeling like death lol.

 

It's been absolutely amazing ever since, and it wasnt long before I was having serious feelings about wanting something definite and long term with her, and she felt the same way. We've had conversations where we were both so emotionally happy with one another that we cried together. I've NEVER experienced anything like this.

 

Fast forward to approx 2 weeks ago, I sense a change in things. She says she is dealing with some personal emotional issues and needs some time and space. Says she's never really been single, and feels she needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy in a relationship, etc, and most of this came out of the blue for me. The worst part for me is, there's a lot of back and forth.....she'll cry on the phone about how in love with me she is, she'll send me texts saying how much she misses me and wishes we were together, etc, and then the next day she wont return calls or texts. Shes asked me to wait on her, promised me that we'd come back together, but then the next day she'll be cold as ice. I'll ask her if I should just move on with my life, to which she responds 'if that's what you need to do'. I'll bring up the fact that she asked me to wait for her, and she'll say I do, but I just dont know how long I need. I'll ask her how she knows she won't meet someone else while we're apart, and she'll say that she doesn't know that won't happen.

 

I love and cherish this woman, but these mixed signals and back and forth antics are really affecting me emotionally. She'll say one thing one day, and then either by words or actions, say something completely different the following day.

 

Can someone chime in, here? My brain and heart are seriously in need of a relief.

 

She sounds like a HOT MESS to me, a total wreck loose. Again you never know what they'll say to get you off their backs. You came to close or you just was too much for her to cope with. It happens to us all. Not much you can do with her. Then what she's really saying is look I can't do this anymore with you, it's been fun but I have to move on. That's what space means to her and most like her. Instead of really telling you the truth you sit and wait on her like your were her option. You need to move on and find someone else to be with. She's not in it for you anymore. Or just not interested in you! She not being fair to you though.

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You sound a little beta and read up on characteristics of an alpha.
Omegas do pretty well too. They are the Introverted "version" of the Alpha which is extroverted. Just think of them as the Introverted and Extroverted versions of the same thing.

 

 

I'm Omega, not Alpha, and glad to be one.

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Again, thanks everyone for all of the input!!! It's strange, shortly after posting this this morning, she sent another one of her trademark 'I miss you' selfies. I told her I'd like to see her, and she agreed, we have tentative plans to get together this evening in a few hours. That being said, I'm feeling pretty confident in myself, and will not be surprised if she cancels at the last minute. In fact, if she does, I've resolved to say little more than 'ok', and essentially stop communicating with her. I realize that none of this is emotionally healthy for me, the perfect evidence being the stress and sadness I've felt the last couple of weeks. I think if she were really 100% genuine, she would already know how I must be feeling, and make a decision to s*** or get off the pot.

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Again, thanks everyone for all of the input!!! It's strange, shortly after posting this this morning, she sent another one of her trademark 'I miss you' selfies. I told her I'd like to see her, and she agreed, we have tentative plans to get together this evening in a few hours. That being said, I'm feeling pretty confident in myself, and will not be surprised if she cancels at the last minute. In fact, if she does, I've resolved to say little more than 'ok', and essentially stop communicating with her. I realize that none of this is emotionally healthy for me, the perfect evidence being the stress and sadness I've felt the last couple of weeks. I think if she were really 100% genuine, she would already know how I must be feeling, and make a decision to s*** or get off the pot.

 

If she cancels again on you then you know what she's saying she didn't want to go out with you. But instead of saying she'll make up excuses to string you along. You need to let this one go if she does that tonight. Again your not option for her if she doesn't show up that's what she's doing too you. Now hopefully she'll turn up tonight.. Good luck my friend!

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Again, thanks for the input, everyone!! A lot of what all of you are saying makes a lot of sense. It's funny, shortly after I initially posted this thread this morning, she texted me with one of her trademark 'I miss you' selfies. I told her I'd like to see her, she agreed, so we have plans for her to come over here in a few hours. I left her alone the rest of the day, and a bit ago I asked her if she would like to stay over with me, and she says no, I'm only coming for an hour or so. I say whys that, and she says because she thinks it will be for the best. I ask her if shes coming over for closure, and she never responded. But, after reading everyone's input here, I'm feeling a lot more confident in myself, and my ability to look past raw emotion. If she comes over and starts back in with her 'go out separate ways' mantra, I've resolved to say little more than 'ok', and not contact her any longer. Even when my heart has said otherwise, my head and gut have always told me that if she wanted to be with me, then these charades would not be going on.

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40somethingGuy
Again, thanks for the input, everyone!! A lot of what all of you are saying makes a lot of sense. It's funny, shortly after I initially posted this thread this morning, she texted me with one of her trademark 'I miss you' selfies. I told her I'd like to see her, she agreed, so we have plans for her to come over here in a few hours. I left her alone the rest of the day, and a bit ago I asked her if she would like to stay over with me, and she says no, I'm only coming for an hour or so. I say whys that, and she says because she thinks it will be for the best. I ask her if shes coming over for closure, and she never responded. But, after reading everyone's input here, I'm feeling a lot more confident in myself, and my ability to look past raw emotion. If she comes over and starts back in with her 'go out separate ways' mantra, I've resolved to say little more than 'ok', and not contact her any longer. Even when my heart has said otherwise, my head and gut have always told me that if she wanted to be with me, then these charades would not be going on.

Why would you ask her if she wanted to stay over? If it happens then great but to ask directly when she is being a flake? Again, you just are WAY TOO AVAILABLE and this likely won't end well. How did your time together go?

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Why would you ask her if she wanted to stay over? If it happens then great but to ask directly when she is being a flake? Again, you just are WAY TOO AVAILABLE and this likely won't end well. How did your time together go?

 

I see your point. She came over later in the evening, after my daughter had gone to bed. It was an amazing night. We sat on the porch swing and talked, went to bed early and held each other tight. Woke up at 0400 before the alarms, spent an hr and a half talking and being intimate. A lot of feelings were shared. She got weepy last night in bed; I asked what was wrong, she said she was crying because she was so happy, said that when we're together, she knows peace and calm and love like shes never known. I'm thinking wow, maybe there's a chance for this all to work out. I told her I'd stand beside her through whatever it was she was going through, as that's what partners are supposed to do.

 

Fast forward to this morning, she had her first therapist appointment, after which she told me that her therapist recommended that she not be engaged in a relationship while shes trying to 'figure herself' out. So, back to that again. I cant help but wonder if there really is a therapist. Honestly, the easiest thing for me to believe that would justify this extreme hot and cold is that shes talking to someone else as well. Although I dont know how she could be so happy with me, obviously and apparently happy, when we're physically together, but go to ice when we're not. Just wish someone could decide this bull**** for me, its screwing with my head and my emotions. She's supposed to come by again tonight to 'say our goodbyes' in person.

 

Starting to get the feeling I need to disconnect from this and let it go.

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ExpatInItaly

She is really not girlfriend material, OP. She is all over the place. It is best that you do not continue to pursue this, and listen to her when she says she can't be in a relationship right now. Whether that came from a therapist or not, it's 100% correct.

 

If I were you, I would not bother with in-person goodbyes. It will be too painful and confusing for you.

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Does this sound like a 'there's someone else' scenario, or does it sound like a woman who's truly just all over the board emotionally?

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