Why back off like this?

[AB098]

I began messaging a guy via Tinder and then WhatsApp about three weeks ago. At first he seemed really pleasant, I actually swiped on him because he said he didn't want hookups. Got talking and he seemed interested in me and we had a great exchange for the first week. He told me a lot about how he'd been in two LTRs and been really hurt in them. He'd initiate, be inquisitive and engaged. We met up one Sunday to walk our dogs together and I though we had had a great time. Later that night, he messaged me to let me know he was home and we chatted further. However, since then he's really dialled back on the chatting and recently went five days without contacting me. I got a message from him this morning explaining that he'd been away for the weekend with his friend + friend's family for a birthday party. I get that it's early days and it's good that he's got a life but are you telling me in this day and age when everyone is stuck to their phones he couldn't even send me a message? He responds briefly to my messages and doesn't attempt to engage me in conversation. He said he'd like to meet up again when I asked him so I told him to let me know when. It's now been a week and he's made no plans to see me. I get that he's lost interest for whatever reason but why the hell wouldn't you just come out and say it? Thoughts?

[ExpatInItaly]

If he's on Tinder, it's most likely that someone else has got his attention.

 

It seems rare that people will just come out and tell you they're no longer interested; many have trouble being direct and risking hurting someone. Or, perhaps he doesn't want to close the door on this completely while he shops around so he's not definitively telling you it's not an option.

[hippychick3]

He’s no longer interested. Most men do not want confrontation and will not just come out and tell you they’ve lost interest. Take his cues and just move on. Don’t reach out to him anymore.

[Zahara]

He’s on Tinder so he’s likely still shopping around. He doesn’t want to fully disconnect — keeping his options open.

 

Don’t keep reaching out anymore. And you should focus on dating others.

[coolheadal]

I began messaging a guy via Tinder and then WhatsApp about three weeks ago. At first he seemed really pleasant, I actually swiped on him because he said he didn't want hookups. Got talking and he seemed interested in me and we had a great exchange for the first week. He told me a lot about how he'd been in two LTRs and been really hurt in them. He'd initiate, be inquisitive and engaged. We met up one Sunday to walk our dogs together and I though we had had a great time. Later that night, he messaged me to let me know he was home and we chatted further. However, since then he's really dialled back on the chatting and recently went five days without contacting me. I got a message from him this morning explaining that he'd been away for the weekend with his friend + friend's family for a birthday party. I get that it's early days and it's good that he's got a life but are you telling me in this day and age when everyone is stuck to their phones he couldn't even send me a message? He responds briefly to my messages and doesn't attempt to engage me in conversation. He said he'd like to meet up again when I asked him so I told him to let me know when. It's now been a week and he's made no plans to see me. I get that he's lost interest for whatever reason but why the hell wouldn't you just come out and say it? Thoughts?

 

You became an option but when that happens he lost interest, you make plans he doesn't show up. Or you just don't hear from him again via text or calling. Mine you if he was interested you would hear from him non-stop!

[Gretchen12]

It's called fading.

[stillafool]

I began messaging a guy via Tinder and then WhatsApp about three weeks ago. At first he seemed really pleasant, I actually swiped on him because he said he didn't want hookups. Got talking and he seemed interested in me and we had a great exchange for the first week. He told me a lot about how he'd been in two LTRs and been really hurt in them. He'd initiate, be inquisitive and engaged. We met up one Sunday to walk our dogs together and I though we had had a great time. Later that night, he messaged me to let me know he was home and we chatted further. However, since then he's really dialled back on the chatting and recently went five days without contacting me. I got a message from him this morning explaining that he'd been away for the weekend with his friend + friend's family for a birthday party. I get that it's early days and it's good that he's got a life but are you telling me in this day and age when everyone is stuck to their phones he couldn't even send me a message? He responds briefly to my messages and doesn't attempt to engage me in conversation. He said he'd like to meet up again when I asked him so I told him to let me know when. It's now been a week and he's made no plans to see me. I get that he's lost interest for whatever reason but why the hell wouldn't you just come out and say it? Thoughts?

 

After the dog walking meet, he was no longer interested. Don't waste anymore of your time on him.

[kendahke]

I began messaging a guy via Tinder and then WhatsApp about three weeks ago. At first he seemed really pleasant, I actually swiped on him because he said he didn't want hookups. Got talking and he seemed interested in me and we had a great exchange for the first week. He told me a lot about how he'd been in two LTRs and been really hurt in them. He'd initiate, be inquisitive and engaged. We met up one Sunday to walk our dogs together and I though we had had a great time. Later that night, he messaged me to let me know he was home and we chatted further. However, since then he's really dialled back on the chatting and recently went five days without contacting me. I got a message from him this morning explaining that he'd been away for the weekend with his friend + friend's family for a birthday party. I get that it's early days and it's good that he's got a life but are you telling me in this day and age when everyone is stuck to their phones he couldn't even send me a message? He responds briefly to my messages and doesn't attempt to engage me in conversation. He said he'd like to meet up again when I asked him so I told him to let me know when. It's now been a week and he's made no plans to see me. I get that he's lost interest for whatever reason but why the hell wouldn't you just come out and say it? Thoughts?

 

Don't expect relationship-level devotion after one date.

[ShyLove]

I agree that he probably matched with someone shiny and new that got his attention.

 

Do you look like your photos? That could be something as well.

 

I know people who have met their boyfriends/girlfriends on Tinder but I personally wouldn't take anyone serious until after 3 dates. Unfortunately almost everyone these days is looking for a bigger better deal.

[MissBee]

I get that he's lost interest for whatever reason but why the hell wouldn't you just come out and say it? Thoughts?

 

Not everyone is good at being direct. Most people, myself included at times, have felt badly about not wanting to hurt someone's feelings so thought pulling back would mean they would take the hint in a way where I didn't have to face the awkwardness of saying I wasn't interested.

 

I try not to do this anymore, but the point I'm making is that early on in dating sometimes we just need to read the signs and high tail it when interest is pulled back versus expecting a heart-to-heart from an almost-stranger. That's honestly my approach. If I've invested a lot more and we've been dating consistently then of course you owe me a lot more. If we're just texting and have only been out once or twice then I expect less and once I see interest waning I just take the clue and follow their lead and pull back too.

 

You cannot stop people from doing this, so the best way to deal with this when online dating is to figure out your own approach to handling it. For me, it's reading the signs and if you haven't texted me in 5 days and I reach out and I still feel you're distant....I don't need a "Dear MissBee" letter, I will take the clue and I'm just gonna bow out of it as well.

Edited August 21, 2018 by MissBee

[kendahke]

Not everyone is good at being direct. Most people, myself included at times, have felt badly about not wanting to hurt someone's feelings so thought pulling back would mean they would take the hint in a way where I didn't have to face the awkwardness of saying I wasn't interested.

 

I try not to do this anymore, but the point I'm making is that early on in dating sometimes we just need to read the signs and high tail it when interest is pulled back versus expecting a heart-to-heart from an almost-stranger. That's honestly my approach. If I've invested a lot more and we've been dating consistently then of course you owe me a lot more. If we're just texting and have only been out once or twice then I expect less and once I see interest waning I just take the clue and follow their lead and pull back too.

 

You cannot stop people from doing this, so the best way to deal with this when online dating is to figure out your own approach to handling it. For me, it's reading the signs and if you haven't texted me in 5 days and I reach out and I still feel you're distant....I don't need a "Dear MissBee" letter, I will take the clue and I'm just gonna bow out of it as well.

 

 

 

 

^^^All. Of. This. ^^^