Is he worth waiting for?

[Lovedianaroses]

I've been dating this man for a little over 3 months now and I'm trying to decide whether I should bring up commitment or to wait longer.

He's this humble, down to earth guy who has a profession I admire. We both have no baggage, no previous marriages, no kids and are in our early 30s. In the beginning we both shared that we are looking for something serious. We became physicially intimate quite fast, but this didn't change in how he acted towards me. He has been consistent in terms of communication - not too smothering. Maybe a check in text every other day or so, and he had always been the one initiating dates. We usually see each other about once a week whenever we can around our irregular work schedules. He has introduced me to his friends and his family and I have introduced mine. He has also been there for me when I was sick or when I needed him for help with favors.

 

However, he is the "manly" type, so while he can still be a sweet gentleman in gestures, he's not very expressive with words. I don't hear too many compliments or confessions of his feelings for me. Also, sometimes the conversations are kind of superficial, about everyday things. More recently, he has opened up to me about some of his future career plans, but this is a rare occasion. Sometimes, I wonder if he's hiding things from me because he is quite a private person.

 

One time I casually brought up the subject of us just exclusively dating each other, and he was instantly withdrawn and a little upset, saying that he doesn't like feeling pressured or things not taking his natural course. After this, there were a few more incidents where I felt like he was still hesitant about me and it hurt my feelings.

 

I'm usually used to guys who come on to me very strong and who want to claim me as their GF right away so I guess this unbalanced development is throwing me for a loop and making me feel confused, mostly because this guy is acting like a boyfriend but not speaking like one and also not clarifying the commitment. I know everyone has their own pace for things, but he will soon be going away on a business trip for a few weeks and I'm feeling hesitant to "wait" for someone who might not even be that sure about me and for me to get hurt later if I find out he wasn't actually serious.

 

Am I just being insecure/paranoid? Is he in fact moving forward and I should just be patient? Will it be a bad idea for me to talk to him about how I feel? (Would it make him feel pressured and back off even more?) Is it worth it to wait for someone like him?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I would be hugely concerned that he freaked out over the mere mention of becoming exclusive. I mean, what is the problem with being exclusive after three months, when you both said that is what you were looking for something serious? Is that just a loophole so he can date other people?

 

If he is unsure, maybe this isn't the right relationship for him. It certainly doesn't help that he is secretive as well as having communication issues. Are you sure you actually see long term potential for a relationship with him?

 

Anyway, my advice would be to reiterate that you are looking for a relationship, not a casual thing, so if that isn't where he sees this going then it's best to end things now. You may not want to be that blunt about it, but you may not get a straight answer out of him otherwise, and you don't want to waste another three months on someone who isn't actually interested in being exclusive.

[hippychick3]

I would be very wary about him. He sounds like either a commitment phobe or someone who is seeing other people on the side. The fact that you only see each other once a week after 3 months and he only sends a text every other day leads me to believe he's filling up his other days dating or talking to others.

[Lovedianaroses]

Well, we've only been seeing each other once a week because of our work schedules. We both work odd and long hours so it's hard to make time. Sometimes he suggests spending the whole weekend together and I'm the one who has to say I can't cause of work.

[Highndry]

I'm not sure how you could build a relationship seeing somebody so infrequently.

Also, as a man we tend to show a lot of our affection and love through sex. I know everybody has a different libido, but once a week is not enough for me. I'd really be making an effort to see you more if I were him, and I start to wonder if he has another woman.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Highndry

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Speaking from experience, I would say DO NOT wait for him. He sounds like someone who is afraid of commitment. I have had this happen to me a couple times and the same factor was the guy not being that into me or just wanting sex. I'm always the type who goes quickly into a relationship and I'm keeping it that way. When I started dating my bf, we saw each other several times a week and became exclusive before a month of dating. He has isn't afraid of talking about serious things (relationship, marriage, kids etc). If a guy likes you, he won't get upset because you ask him about the relationship status. He is wasting your time, move on and find someone who is committed (I promise that is much better). If you do leave him, don't be surprised if he comes back. Do not be disappointed if he doesn't, but do not take him back if he does.

[Lotsgoingon]

He felt "pressured" by the exclusivity talk. That sounds like a kid. There is no pressure. You're not his supervisor--are you? ... You're not an authority over his life, are you? ... The not wanting to feel pressure strikes me as off. Like he doesn't experience himself as fully autonomous.

 

You can say yes to being exclusive or no. There is no pressure. If the other person wants to be exclusive, there is still no pressure if your answer is no, I don't want that. Sorry, I guess we aren't a good fit.

 

And let's talk about you ... I'm sorry ... but is this guy an authority in your life? Your boss or supervisor? ... Why are you letting him scare you off the talk? You seem to go silent because of his reactions. No, if you want exclusivity, you put it out there with confidence. No shame in that. No neediness in that ...

 

Right now, uou're already ceding power to him, power you will have to fight like hell to regain were the relationship to continue.

 

So ... next relationship stop this tip-toeing around ... I'm a guy and I will say it clearly: you do NOT want to be anywhere near a relationship with a guy with whom you have to step gingerly on the basics ... Oh hell no. What do you think is gonna happen when other issues come up? ... Hint: same thing!

 

So yes, you need to drop him ... and just as important, you need to drop this lame, passive, wimpy good-girl dating strategy where you back off because of a guy's reaction. You know you deserve better than that!

[Desesperado]

I don't know, depends how the talk was done honestly, because a woman asking to be exclusive after about 12 dates okay that's reasonable.

But she used the term commitment and in my male brain I hear wedding, not being exclusively dating which would make me react just like the guy.

 

Of course you should be warry of commitment phobes, but I can tell you about my experience and some male friend's. I will not nowadays want to see a woman more than 1-2 times a week, because OLD teached me many women are searching so hard they go too fast and after it happening so much getting burned, I got drained and am clear now that I like knowing people and not rush things.

 

Just be assertive, you are in this seriously with him and that if he's not on the same page then, he needs to say it, don't mention some kind of commitment, then if he still flips out, he's not worth the effort, but he might just be burned and need time, all isn't black or white.

[PegNosePete]

One time I casually brought up the subject of us just exclusively dating each other, and he was instantly withdrawn and a little upset

There is only ONE reason that someone would react like that: they are seeing other people. If they aren't seeing other people then they are already exclusively dating you anyway, right? You're just telling him that you're not dating anyone else and don't intend to date anyone else until you break up with him, and you want him to do the same. It's not like you're proposing marriage here!

 

After 3 months of dating I would tell him it's time to make his mind up, he is either going to date you exclusively or you're going to go your separate ways, because you're not looking to get into a multi-dating relationship.

[TheFinalWord]

<snip>

 

Am I just being insecure/paranoid? Is he in fact moving forward and I should just be patient? Will it be a bad idea for me to talk to him about how I feel? (Would it make him feel pressured and back off even more?) Is it worth it to wait for someone like him?

 

 

I would let him know that you are ready for exclusivity, but if he is not, then you want him to know you are going to actively date other men. That way you are not throwing him away, but you're not putting all your eggs in one basket. This seems to be what he wants, so I would just go with the flow. Personally, I cannot be physically intimate with someone that is multi-dating. All I could think of is who was she with last night...seems it would mix up emotions and make a mess, but some people seem to be able to handle it...

Edited August 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Lovedianaroses]

I don't know, depends how the talk was done honestly, because a woman asking to be exclusive after about 12 dates okay that's reasonable.

But she used the term commitment and in my male brain I hear wedding, not being exclusively dating which would make me react just like the guy.

 

Of course you should be warry of commitment phobes, but I can tell you about my experience and some male friend's. I will not nowadays want to see a woman more than 1-2 times a week, because OLD teached me many women are searching so hard they go too fast and after it happening so much getting burned, I got drained and am clear now that I like knowing people and not rush things.

 

Just be assertive, you are in this seriously with him and that if he's not on the same page then, he needs to say it, don't mention some kind of commitment, then if he still flips out, he's not worth the effort, but he might just be burned and need time, all isn't black or white.

 

How can I be assertive about wanting commitment without mentioning commitment?

 

Would you be upset at the person you're dating if she said she will date others because you're not becoming exclusive with her and she feels rejected because you're not "rushing things"?

[PegNosePete]

How can I be assertive about wanting commitment without mentioning commitment?

Tell him: "Look, I'm not asking for marriage or anything. I just want to give our relationship a chance by focusing our energies on each other and not dating others. That doesn't mean we should go out and get mirror wills or anything crazy like that. It just means we won't date others until we decide to split up"

 

Would you be upset at the person you're dating if she said she will date others because you're not becoming exclusive with her and she feels rejected because you're not "rushing things"?

If the person I was dating said she was going to date others in order to coerce me into dating her exclusively then I would think she is a passive aggressive game player. But then I wouldn't be in that position in the first place. Your plan isn't a very good one: what if he simply says "that's fine, go ahead"?

 

What you should say is, "I want us to date exclusively and if you don't want that then we're obviously not a good compatible match so I won't waste any more of my time on you".

Edited August 21, 2018 by PegNosePete

[coolheadal]

<snip>

 

Am I just being insecure/paranoid? Is he in fact moving forward and I should just be patient? Will it be a bad idea for me to talk to him about how I feel? (Would it make him feel pressured and back off even more?) Is it worth it to wait for someone like him?

 

There are some things here you should be concern about my dear.

 

1. You and him only meet-up once a week.

2. You brought up dating exclusively to him he didn't like that.

3. You said he was madly and couldn't express his feelings.

4. You said he doesn't like to feel pressure and wants things to develop.

 

I am going to be honest here with you this guy is not ready for dating you. He wants his options open. In a way he has other women he's seeing beside you. How do you know he wasn't married before or still is? If you live in USA and if he is registered voter it will tell you if he is married. I think everyone if you get involve with a stranger after 3 months pay for a quick investigation to see if the person your seeing is who he or she claims to be.

 

This guy doesn't want to date on a committed bases because he's hiding something and it's just not money. Like I said he's not serious about things and he doesn't want pressure he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you.

 

Madly men can't show you emotion they hare stern and direct. He leads you and tells you where to go type. They will never say they love you, they might show it but not say it. If your use to guys showing it and telling they want to be in a committed relationship then you should go after guys like that. This 30 year old isn't ready to be tied now with one single 30 year old woman like yourself. That's what it all boils down too here.

Edited August 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

Don't be afraid to tell him what you want. What good does it do you to sit silently wondering where this dating is going but too afraid to just ask him out of fear that you might lose him? Yes, be assertive and tell him what you want and see if he is on the same page. If not, exit stage left.

[coolheadal]

How can I be assertive about wanting commitment without mentioning commitment?

 

Would you be upset at the person you're dating if she said she will date others because you're not becoming exclusive with her and she feels rejected because you're not "rushing things"?

 

Your correct there. But that's what you want and he's doesn't want it. Like I said he like to keep his options open. I see he wanted to spend the entire weekend with you. But you have to work. I see he has tried to been with you a bit longer. I wonder what's up with him about that. Is that normal how many times has he asked you for him to be with you the entire weekend.

[Lovedianaroses]

Your correct there. But that's what you want and he's doesn't want it. Like I said he like to keep his options open. I see he wanted to spend the entire weekend with you. But you have to work. I see he has tried to been with you a bit longer. I wonder what's up with him about that. Is that normal how many times has he asked you for him to be with you the entire weekend.

 

He asked a couple of times during the first two months of dating. Now he doesn't ask that anymore though and we just plan for dinner dates since he knows my schedule.

[coolheadal]

He asked a couple of times during the first two months of dating. Now he doesn't ask that anymore though and we just plan for dinner dates since he knows my schedule.

 

Open door policy is in effect with him. He knows your schedule he can plan around it to do or see who ever he wants too. Because the way you said he had acted made him sound guilty. Again he has his options open (open door policy).

The only way to see if he's really doing this is to ask for some time off from work and you say to him hey babe I might have the entire weekend off this weekend do you want to come over and be with me entire weekend? See what he says to those can worms?

[Lovedianaroses]

Open door policy is in effect with him. He knows your schedule he can plan around it to do or see who ever he wants too. Because the way you said he had acted made him sound guilty. Again he has his options open (open door policy).

The only way to see if he's really doing this is to ask for some time off from work and you say to him hey babe I might have the entire weekend off this weekend do you want to come over and be with me entire weekend? See what he says to those can worms?

 

Ok,but my question is, if he is dating other people, why did he bring me home to meet both his parents on more than one occasion? He also helped out my sister the other day. If you were seeing others, would you go this length for someone?

[stillafool]

I think too many women place too much weight on getting introduced to the family and friends. Some people date this way. They bring all their dates around their families because that's just what they do. I remember one of my brothers would bring every girl he dated home to meet us, to family functions, etc., and then we would never see That One again. He definitely wasn't in love. The girl he fell for and ended up marrying didn't get to meet us until they were very serious and at the point of engagement.

[PegNosePete]

Ok,but my question is, if he is dating other people, why did he bring me home to meet both his parents on more than one occasion?

You're asking the wrong question here. You should be asking:

 

If he's NOT dating other people then why would he flip his lid when you mention exclusivity? If he's NOT dating other people then surely he would just shrug his shoulders and say well I'm not dating anyone else anyway so no big deal.

[Zahara]

Ok,but my question is, if he is dating other people, why did he bring me home to meet both his parents on more than one occasion? He also helped out my sister the other day. If you were seeing others, would you go this length for someone?

 

Based on experience, introduction to family and offering assistance isn't a measure or indication of commitment or exclusivity. There are people that have very different boundaries and have no issues doing the above without having any positive intention with you.

 

When a man is interested in you, he will not be avoidant. He will be communicative. His reaction towards your question about exclusivity wasn't good. It could be that he is dating others or he isn't quite invested in anything long term.

 

Please do not be afraid to voice your needs/wants when you are in a relationship. When you tip toe because you are afraid to rock the boat or push a man away, then you only condition yourself to become submissive in a relationship. Speak your mind and if you do not like what you are hearing, walk away. Listen to your instincts. If a man values you and what he has with you, he isn't going to run away from your questions.

[MissBee]

{snip}

Am I just being insecure/paranoid? Is he in fact moving forward and I should just be patient? Will it be a bad idea for me to talk to him about how I feel? (Would it make him feel pressured and back off even more?) Is it worth it to wait for someone like him?

 

 

If there is all this uncertainty and you feel confused or don't know how the person feels or you say stuff is imbalanced and the conversations are superficial....what is there to really wait on?

 

In my experience, our feelings especially ones where we don't know how the person feels and have a lot of reservations and feel something is off, aren't usually paranoia. More often than not it's us seeing the signs and telling ourselves we're making it up, only to regret it later.

 

My approach to dating is: you're all in and I FEEL this clearly and your actions match or I don't take it seriously. And I certainly won't be waiting around to find out. BTDT and wasted a lot of time over-investing in stuff that had no future. It doesn't even seem there is much substance or anything particularly exceptional about this man, like he seems fine enough but a lot of people are fine enough. Dating is a discovery phase, to learn if you should invest more. 3 months is enough time to know and if stuff isn't crystal clear then I wouldn't put all my eggs into that basket.

Edited August 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lotsgoingon]

Getting introduced to family often just means they have been telling their family about you ... But could be telling the family that you are a friend.

 

I fell in love with a woman who invited me to meet her mom (her dad was out of the picture) ... The mom's best friend came over to meet me. Mom and Mom's gf treated me like I was a romantic partner. There was only one problem. The woman I came to visit only saw me as a friend.

 

Now to make this even more interesting, this woman had been abandoned by her father, and she saw me as the best male friend she'd ever had. Well I misread this energy and interest as a sign of romantic interest. No such thing.

 

She saw me as a friend, and that wasn't gonna change ...

 

In relationship you take cues from how the person treats you ... not on hypotheticals ... or "Why would he do X?" ...

 

For all you know, he invited you to meet the family because you would break the tension between him and a sibling that he hates. Inviting outsiders to family gatherings often disrupts the normal family squabbling and tensions.

 

Focus on how he treats you and on how you feel. Those are the only questions. And you don't sound too exciting about things right now.

[Whodatdog]

I dont know that he's afraid of commitment, as much as he might not want to commit to you. Almost seems like a casual dating situation that he's perfectly content with. You posted these very same concerns nearly 6 weeks ago, and it seems nothing has changed since then. Until you decide exactly what you want out of this relationship, you can't expect him to give it to you. and if you do know what you want, you need to go after it, or move on. When people are afraid to ask someone a question, its usually because they already know the answer.

Edited August 22, 2018 by Whodatdog