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Streetlight23

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Streetlight23

Hey LS! I guess I am just venting and looking for some support after my last dating adventure. Feel free to comment :)

 

I don't date a whole lot. Some due to lack of matches that I'm interested in, and the lack of an active social life, but I do get a few matches here and there. At the end of July, I matched with this girl that seemed really sweet. She was a bit of a nerd, into nerd culture (which I like btw) and overall good person so I set a date to meet her. I tend to do this within a week of exchanging numbers. I met up with her and she totally blew me away. I was expecting a shy, timid girl and she was the complete opposite! We went to a cafe and then walked the streets for a few hours, stopping here and there. It was great! We enjoyed our company, flirting etc. At the end, I decided I wanted to kiss her so I did. I think it took her off guard but she went with it. I teased her later about it and things were fine.

 

We were planning to meet that weekend but she canceled due to injuring herself helping a friend. No big deal. I rescheduled the week after and she agreed. During the week, the texting was minimal. Shes pretty busy with a full time job plus going to school so I knew that I'm not a top priority for her with everything going on. But Id reach out every other day and she would respond a few hours later and that would be it.

 

The 2nd date happened that weekend and it was by far the BEST date I had been on in years. We had so much fun! Goofing off, playing games, drinking, flirting and overall just having a great time. We had a ton in common, especially things that wouldnt be considered "cool" and usually never reveal that side of myself this early in dating. We had people coming up to us telling us that we looked like a great couple and get along so well and had to tell them that this was only our second date! I was left speechless. At the end of the date, I told her that I had so much fun and this was the best. We made out a little bit before saying goodbyes and asked when I could see her again. She had finals the following week so she said after that which I was fine with.

 

Well things started going bad from there. She didnt really text during the week, which I could understand. I texted good luck on the days of her finals and left it at that. No response. I texted before the weekend asking how it went and if she was still up for doing something this weekend. An hour later she responded saying she has a family emergency (She didnt say that, I got specifics on what happened but omitting it for internet purposes :) ) and that she couldnt meet up this weekend. I wished her the best and left it as "when youre ready to meet up again, let me know!" and that was it......3 days ago.

 

Couple things. I know this bothers me alot due to my own insecurities. Its something I'm working on. I'm trying to keep the "if she cant see how great that date was and how great I am, thats her loss" mentality, but its difficult.

 

I went out with an another girl after she canceled and while that date was fun, it didnt have the same spark as the other.

 

I know there is nothing I can do at this point. I left it open that whenever she is ready to go out again to let me know. I am hoping she does reach out but everything I know about OLD and dating in general is that people that are interested text back, are never too busy, and generally don't cancel possible dates or if they do, they reschedule.

 

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and I have no reason to believe her family emergency is a lie, but whether its the truth or not, it stopped us from hanging out and that looks like a bad sign.

 

It did help reading quotes about how "slow and steady wins the race" and "love is a marathon, not a sprint" which I tend to agree with. Great things dont happen overnight. They need time to grow. But the mind loves to race....

 

OLD is becoming dark in my mind now. Since I met her OLD, I will assume she has many matches. Its totally plausible that she had another date this weekend. If thats the case even after one of the best dates I have ever planned and executed and it STILL wasn't good enough, leaves me feeling like finding a girlfriend might never happen haha.

 

Dating is hard......:(

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A good date is a good date. It's not an expectation or predictor of a lifetime of good dates or anything else.

 

Continue to date other women....

 

I'd make one adjustment to interaction. If you must cancel for any reason with someone you're interested in dating, you proactively reschedule. If they cancel, their responsibility. If they wish to date you, they will. They won't let you get away. If they do let you get away, they do. Women know this. They won't let a good guy they're attracted to get away.

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I had plenty of amazing first dates that went nowhere. The guy was living in the moment and once back home decided I wasn't it for him or it was me who had a great time but after giving it a bit of thought decided he wasn't was I was looking for.

 

 

 

Let it go....let Life decide. Don't get your hopes up because of someone you've only been on 2 dates with. Most connection online won't make it to a 3rd date. That's how the game is.

 

 

 

Also there is no such a thing as 'too busy'. If this girl had been into you she would have texted more promptly. When we like a guy WE ALSO feel anxiety and we don't want him to slide through our fingers so we watch our phone and we're quick to reply.

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You are expecting devotion after two dates and that is unreasonable. Why have you latched on for dear life? Yeah, if she's on a dating site, she's dating to find out her best match (or she's marking time). You may think your date was everything, but she may be keeping a more open mind and isn't going to devote herself to you after just two dates.

 

I wished her the best and left it as "when youre ready to meet up again, let me know!" and that was it......3 days ago.

 

Clearly, she's not ready to meet up again after 3 days. She hasn't made you her whole universe as it seems you have with her.

 

You need to work on pacing your emotions better than this. No one is going to give you devotion at this stage of things.

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The OP wrote:

 

Couple things. I know this bothers me alot due to my own insecurities. Its something I'm working on. I'm trying to keep the "if she cant see how great that date was and how great I am, thats her loss" mentality, but its difficult.

 

I went out with an another girl after she canceled and while that date was fun, it didnt have the same spark as the other.

 

IMO, he's on top of his insecurities and a further browbeating is undeserved and abusive. OP, don't date women like this.

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Streetlight23
You are expecting devotion after two dates and that is unreasonable. Why have you latched on for dear life? Yeah, if she's on a dating site, she's dating to find out her best match (or she's marking time). You may think your date was everything, but she may be keeping a more open mind and isn't going to devote herself to you after just two dates.

 

 

 

Clearly, she's not ready to meet up again after 3 days. She hasn't made you her whole universe as it seems you have with her.

 

You need to work on pacing your emotions better than this. No one is going to give you devotion at this stage of things.

 

 

I think you misunderstand. My original post isnt about seeking advice for anything that I did or didnt do. It was purely a vent under the subject that dating is hard. It was mostly about that even if a date goes extremely well (one sided yes as you are only getting my side of the story) that is no indicator that things will progress further, which is the frustrating part.

 

As far as the texting thing goes, I find that its a personal preference and overall respect. I have personally never ghosted anyone and usually text people within reason. Say if I'm driving, I wont answer but will at the next available moment I have as a common courtesy. I am beginning to feel that I am the minority in thinking this way, especially when it comes to dating. Like if the situation was reversed, I would easily send a "ok" or a "thanks!" as a response to let you know that I am deliberately not ignoring you.

 

Its just these overall observations that I recently experienced that makes me say....Dating is hard.

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Streetlight23
OP, don't date women like this.

 

This I think is the best thing for me right now. I don't like picking out flaws in people, but I read this and started thinking about those flaws and there were signs that she might be a flaky person. I guess I am too forgiving on this behavior.

 

Plus Im having a hard time seeing the point in telling them directly that I dont like a certain thing about them. I see that as counter-productive. Its not my job to turn every person I see into what I would consider a decent person. Is it reasonable to say before we meet and texting to get to know each other and she takes over an hour each time to respond to turn around and say "I don't like your texting style. We wouldn't work out."? I'm asking that as a legitimate question.

 

I see it as I am still a stranger and I havent earned that type of respect yet, but after meeting twice, and making out, I feel that a little bit of respect is warranted. Im no longer just a random number in your phone.

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As far as the texting thing goes, I find that its a personal preference and overall respect. I have personally never ghosted anyone and usually text people within reason. Say if I'm driving, I wont answer but will at the next available moment I have as a common courtesy. I am beginning to feel that I am the minority in thinking this way, especially when it comes to dating. Like if the situation was reversed, I would easily send a "ok" or a "thanks!" as a response to let you know that I am deliberately not ignoring you.

 

 

Experience taught me that interested people act interested.

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She is clearly multi-dating and making excuses for that rather than coming clean that she had this or that to do with some friend or whatever..

 

That isn't a bad thing and hopefully your 2 dates together showed her that her time would be better spent with you and her multi-dating will peter out and she will spend more time with you...

 

That is how my wife and I went down when we met, she was dating others.. texting would take her hours or the next day to respond and the times/dates of the dates moved around some but when I won out so to speak she gave me full on attention..

 

The only thing you can do is keep yourself in check, step back but keep making the advances and hopefully the others will peter out for her and you will get her full attention.

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Streetlight23
She is clearly multi-dating and making excuses for that rather than coming clean that she had this or that to do with some friend or whatever..

 

That isn't a bad thing and hopefully your 2 dates together showed her that her time would be better spent with you and her multi-dating will peter out and she will spend more time with you...

 

That is how my wife and I went down when we met, she was dating others.. texting would take her hours or the next day to respond and the times/dates of the dates moved around some but when I won out so to speak she gave me full on attention..

 

The only thing you can do is keep yourself in check, step back but keep making the advances and hopefully the others will peter out for her and you will get her full attention.

 

 

Oh I absolutely believe she is multi-dating. I assume that anyone I meet OLD is multi-dating unless its specifically stated that they aren't. I 100% agree with you that the only thing I can do is have faith that my dates are better than the other dates shes going on and I currently wrestle with that all the time.

 

I would love to know how you "won out" hahaha That has been my biggest struggle and have been trying to step up my 1st-3rd date game for that exact reason. Plus the things I do or need to stop doing between dates.

 

My current plan is to do nothing. I let her know to text me when she wants to meet up again and thats it. No more texts from me. Maybe in a month, I might reach out but Im still on the fence about that.

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Oh I absolutely believe she is multi-dating. I assume that anyone I meet OLD is multi-dating unless its specifically stated that they aren't.
Yes most people multi date but the selection is done pretty quickly when we like someone. Usually by the 3rd date if you don't feel a connection you drop it and move to next. If by a 2nd date she is being silent on text, does not offer an alternative date when she cancels, it's clear she is not interested enough to keep you in her game. Nothing lost, you don't know her.

 

I 100% agree with you that the only thing I can do is have faith that my dates are better than the other dates shes going on and I currently wrestle with that all the time.
Why not concentrate less on if she likes you enough and more on what would you like as a dating partner. Would you like someone that doesn't reply in a reasonable time, or not reply at all? would you like someone that doesn't reschedule and leaves you hanging? Would you like someone that isn't showing interest between dates? If you answer no to these then why continue to pursue her? For what you have seen so far she doesn't have the qualities you are searching. Don't put too much weight on how *hot* she is, it can be very deceiving.

 

I would love to know how you "won out" hahaha That has been my biggest struggle and have been trying to step up my 1st-3rd date game for that exact reason. Plus the things I do or need to stop doing between dates.

So many men think they can *win* a woman if they could only have a magic recipe. There is none. It's all about mutual attraction. It's there, or it's not. If it's not there for her on that 2nd or 3rd date it won't be there on the 5th or 6th either, no matter how hard you try.

 

My current plan is to do nothing. I let her know to text me when she wants to meet up again and thats it. No more texts from me. Maybe in a month, I might reach out but Im still on the fence about that.
Do nothing is an excellent plan. If she text in 1 month ignore her. Who does she think she is contacting you after 1 month as if you'd be standing by for her right?

 

 

 

 

.

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Give her the benefit of a doubt. i'm usually a nay sayer but this seems it could go somewhere....just keep her in mind and date others and see what happens.

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Streetlight23
Why not concentrate less on if she likes you enough and more on what would you like as a dating partner. Would you like someone that doesn't reply in a reasonable time, or not reply at all? would you like someone that doesn't reschedule and leaves you hanging? Would you like someone that isn't showing interest between dates? If you answer no to these then why continue to pursue her? For what you have seen so far she doesn't have the qualities you are searching. Don't put too much weight on how *hot* she is, it can be very deceiving.

 

 

You make really good points and honestly, I dont disagree with anything you said, but I feel this is how it is now, or at least in my experience. There is such a fine line to walk when it comes to dating to not be either over-interested or playing games by seeming uninterested. There are so many "guides" or books, youtube videos, etc that literally say "dont text for 3 days, blah blah blah" I think they are nonsense but its a billion dollar industry. It wouldnt be that if people didnt buy in to some extent. Could she be doing this? Who knows. It is funny that 5-6 times during text messages, it is always on the hour or some variation of that. Like to the minute.

 

Do I want to play games with people I date? Absolutely not. Are the odds that they are playing games with me high? Absolutely. I feel its either play the game or sit on the sidelines and watch.

 

She told me upfront no matter what, I would be a second priority to her schooling. I agreed to this because yes I thought she was cute and I like going on dates. Its fun! It wasnt actually her attractiveness that had me enjoying her company. It was by far her personality. She became a 10 in my eyes due to her personality. Another person would says she might be a solid 6-7 looks wise.

 

Give her the benefit of a doubt. i'm usually a nay sayer but this seems it could go somewhere....just keep her in mind and date others and see what happens.

 

I'm curious on why you said this. I've read your posts on here alot and I wouldnt call you a "nay sayer" but a truth teller. It may not be what people want to hear but it might be the truth. I agree with nearly every advice you give on other threads so Im just curious on why you think this situation "could go somewhere" :)

 

I do give her the benefit of the doubt on the family emergency.

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There are so many "guides" or books, youtube videos, etc that literally say "dont text for 3 days, blah blah blah" I think they are nonsense but its a billion dollar industry.
And they don't help men find girlfriends just like that billion dollar industry selling weight loss miracles don't work. They exploit people's helplessness. Speak to any women and she will tell you a man waiting 3 days to touch base isn't interested in her. She doesn't want to be aggravated with text messages but she wants to feel a sustained interest from the man AND when a woman has an interest she is capable of offering a sustained interest.
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You make really good points and honestly, I dont disagree with anything you said, but I feel this is how it is now, or at least in my experience. There is such a fine line to walk when it comes to dating to not be either over-interested or playing games by seeming uninterested. There are so many "guides" or books, youtube videos, etc that literally say "dont text for 3 days, blah blah blah" I think they are nonsense but its a billion dollar industry. It wouldnt be that if people didnt buy in to some extent. Could she be doing this? Who knows. It is funny that 5-6 times during text messages, it is always on the hour or some variation of that. Like to the minute.

 

Do I want to play games with people I date? Absolutely not. Are the odds that they are playing games with me high? Absolutely. I feel its either play the game or sit on the sidelines and watch.

 

She told me upfront no matter what, I would be a second priority to her schooling. I agreed to this because yes I thought she was cute and I like going on dates. Its fun! It wasnt actually her attractiveness that had me enjoying her company. It was by far her personality. She became a 10 in my eyes due to her personality. Another person would says she might be a solid 6-7 looks wise.

 

 

 

I'm curious on why you said this. I've read your posts on here alot and I wouldnt call you a "nay sayer" but a truth teller. It may not be what people want to hear but it might be the truth. I agree with nearly every advice you give on other threads so Im just curious on why you think this situation "could go somewhere" :)

 

I do give her the benefit of the doubt on the family emergency.

I dunno I just got this feeling......

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3 days ago she told you she had a family issue and couldn't meet for the weekend. Today is Monday, the weekend had only just passed, what's the problem?

 

About having good dates, I have never had a bad date in my life because I make it good. People who are personable have good dates all the time. They know how to entertain, make other people feel good and have fun. Doesn't mean they'd have a relationship with every one of those guys.

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As far as the texting thing goes, I find that its a personal preference and overall respect. I have personally never ghosted anyone and usually text people within reason. Say if I'm driving, I wont answer but will at the next available moment I have as a common courtesy. I am beginning to feel that I am the minority in thinking this way, especially when it comes to dating. Like if the situation was reversed, I would easily send a "ok" or a "thanks!" as a response to let you know that I am deliberately not ignoring you..

 

 

Lots of "I"'s in that paragraph.

 

How you would proceed is how you would proceed--that's only your yardstick to measure your life with, no one else's. It doesn't apply to anyone else nor do they have to comply with how you would proceed.

 

She isn't like that. From what you've written, her actions are saying that she isn't nearly as invested in you after 2 dates as you are. Like I said, while you may feel the date was spectacular, she may not have, despite how much fun you had. She's not obligated to feel the same way--it may be her personal preference to not rush into something she's not ready to be in or wants to be in--she gets to feel the way she feels.

 

I've had dates with men that I thought were spectacular and was under the impression they felt the same too... and they'd go silent. Does is suck? Without a doubt, but they proceed in life in a way that works for them and I cannot make them do things my way.

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3 days ago she told you she had a family issue and couldn't meet for the weekend. Today is Monday, the weekend had only just passed, what's the problem?

 

About having good dates, I have never had a bad date in my life because I make it good. People who are personable have good dates all the time. They know how to entertain, make other people feel good and have fun. Doesn't mean they'd have a relationship with every one of those guys.

 

 

 

 

I'm not saying theres a problem. You can say that 3 days is not a problem, but then someone can turn around and say 3 days of hearing nothing is a clear sign of low interest. How its interpreted depends on the experiences/boundaries of the person and what they think and are willing to accept from the other person.

 

 

 

Personally, 3 days to me says low interest. It might not say that for you, which is well and fine too. My past experiences have taught me that low texting means low interest. The point of the post was to just vent on how what I felt as an awesome date(s) turned into nothing substantial. It happens, I'll move on. But I just wanted to vent :)

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Lots of "I"'s in that paragraph.

 

How you would proceed is how you would proceed--that's only your yardstick to measure your life with, no one else's. It doesn't apply to anyone else nor do they have to comply with how you would proceed.

 

 

The "I"s are to express my point of view as I dont like speaking in the third person lol. Experiences shape all our lives individually.

 

 

She isn't like that. From what you've written, her actions are saying that she isn't nearly as invested in you after 2 dates as you are. Like I said, while you may feel the date was spectacular, she may not have, despite how much fun you had. She's not obligated to feel the same way--it may be her personal preference to not rush into something she's not ready to be in or wants to be in--she gets to feel the way she feels.

 

 

Right! Her experiences in life may have taught her that good dates are too good to be true and theres always an issue later on. I'm just using that as an example. I would have no way of knowing this. I can only take what I observed on the date(s) and come to my own conclusion. My conclusion that we had alot of fun and there might be potential. If I am upset at anything, which im not, but if I was, it would be that I read the situation wrong and need to fix that about myself so mistakes dont repeat themselves.

 

 

I've had dates with men that I thought were spectacular and was under the impression they felt the same too... and they'd go silent. Does is suck? Without a doubt, but they proceed in life in a way that works for them and I cannot make them do things my way.

 

 

I totally agree again. My issue would only be with what I feel most people would consider common courtesy. There are a ton of things people do to other people that are crappy and would never do myself. To expect everyone else to feel that way is asinine, but that doesn't mean it doesn't make me sad and disappointed that this is the dating world we live in. That was the point of the vent.

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Your insecurity is your downfall. You are going to create what you fear worst if you don't get a grip on yourself. she has a full-time job and is going to school and is in the middle of finals and has a family emergency. When does she have time to keep up with her texts right now? She probably has her hands full texting about whatever family emergency it is with her relatives. when I was in school I wasn't even trying to work at the same time and I was so stressed and busy during finals that I was just on overload. You need to chill out and quit texting her for no reason.

 

If you haven't annoyed her already by continuing to do so after she told you how busy she is and she is still interested she will contact you when she has time to take a breath. Good luck.

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I know there is nothing I can do at this point. I left it open that whenever she is ready to go out again to let me know. I am hoping she does reach out but everything I know about OLD and dating in general is that people that are interested text back, are never too busy, and generally don't cancel possible dates or if they do, they reschedule.

 

sucks dude. I have been in the same scenario recently. So much so I'm kinda wondering if this is the same woman I went out 4 awesome times with, who had school she was serious about, kinda hipster nerdy, etc .... then, la poof. No reply to anything.

 

I straight asked her what was up a week or so later and she apologized for being "bad at this but wasn't in a position to date right now" and had a health situation with her mom (she said, but the Tinder location said otherwise). I wished her the best and apologized for dropping that on her with what she was dealing with with her mom.

 

You did the right thing by going out with someone else. If she wants to be with you, she will reply.

 

I know people say people are different with texting patterns and all, but if someone starts off interested and reciprocating, if they're still that way, they'll continue acting that way.

 

Maybe you should have or still could check in and see how everything's going, maybe you have, I didn't see if so. That'd be the last chance I think you have here.

 

If I had to guess, she was into you, and perhaps took a step back BECAUSE of that because she wasn't ready to be into to someone. Sucks but sometimes the timing just isn't right. And people make whack decisions.

 

Like someone said, you may hear back a month from now. What you do then depends on your options. BUT, I'd strongly advise, DON'T get hung up on how this seemed so right and how you won't find someone else. You will. Just keep at it.

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She is clearly multi-dating and making excuses for that rather than coming clean that she had this or that to do with some friend or whatever..

 

That isn't a bad thing and hopefully your 2 dates together showed her that her time would be better spent with you and her multi-dating will peter out and she will spend more time with you...

 

That is how my wife and I went down when we met, she was dating others.. texting would take her hours or the next day to respond and the times/dates of the dates moved around some but when I won out so to speak she gave me full on attention..

 

The only thing you can do is keep yourself in check, step back but keep making the advances and hopefully the others will peter out for her and you will get her full attention.

 

this is good stuff. It can and does happen. Just keep bettering yourself in the meantime. And yeah and occasional "how's it going?" as long as you've ended on good terms never hurts. If they don't wanna reply, they won't.

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Streetlight23
Your insecurity is your downfall. You are going to create what you fear worst if you don't get a grip on yourself. she has a full-time job and is going to school and is in the middle of finals and has a family emergency. When does she have time to keep up with her texts right now? She probably has her hands full texting about whatever family emergency it is with her relatives. when I was in school I wasn't even trying to work at the same time and I was so stressed and busy during finals that I was just on overload. You need to chill out and quit texting her for no reason.

 

If you haven't annoyed her already by continuing to do so after she told you how busy she is and she is still interested she will contact you when she has time to take a breath. Good luck.

 

Oh I haven't texted her at all. I gave her the "let me know when your available again" text right after she told me what was up and left it at that. I have not blown up her phone.

 

I know if I blow up her phone it will be a bad move. In the past I might have, but I am learning to keep those insecurities in check when it comes directly to said person. Some times people just need to vent to anonymous 3rd parties and get it off their chest. Its therapeutic and I'm not too ashamed to admit that immediately after I made the post, I felt better. I wasn't seeking advice for a resolution, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

 

Its one of the reasons I like LS and the community here versus other places. Everyone normally is really supportive and willing to give a few minutes of their day to talk to a random stranger and offer support and advice. :bunny:

 

sucks dude. I have been in the same scenario recently. So much so I'm kinda wondering if this is the same woman I went out 4 awesome times with, who had school she was serious about, kinda hipster nerdy, etc .... then, la poof. No reply to anything.

 

Hahaha wouldnt that be something!

 

Maybe you should have or still could check in and see how everything's going, maybe you have, I didn't see if so. That'd be the last chance I think you have here.

 

If I had to guess, she was into you, and perhaps took a step back BECAUSE of that because she wasn't ready to be into to someone. Sucks but sometimes the timing just isn't right. And people make whack decisions.

 

Like someone said, you may hear back a month from now. What you do then depends on your options. BUT, I'd strongly advise, DON'T get hung up on how this seemed so right and how you won't find someone else. You will. Just keep at it.

 

I might check in next week if I hear nothing. I havent decided yet. You make a good point about being into it but stepped back because she isnt ready with everything going on. I've heard women say that before. Timing really is everything.

 

I know I have to keep at it and move on and eventually when its right, it will be right from the get go. :)

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