I thought online guy liked me but he ended up being a jerk and ghosted me?

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Background of online guy: We met on Tinder. He's 26 years old and currently unemployed. We matched twice and we finally met in person. Very easy going guy/goes with the flow. However quite condescending and seems depressed on the inside.

 

This guy and I have talked in the beginning of the year.I actually invited him out during that time and he rejected. So I took a break and went back on in August. We matched again and he finally decided to meet me.

On my profile I noted that I would like to go on dates and I listed some things I like. So guy and I met at a coffee place. Instantly went goo goo eyes over him. He's tall, nice hair and nice features and totally my type. I paid for my own coffee even though he offered. We talked and I let HIM do most of the talking. I refrained to talk about myself. He noticed we matched before and we laughed about it and said funny how the world works. He talks about how he had to get surgery and couldn't play baseball anymore. He talked about other jobs where he hated. So I listened. He was VERY open about everything. I could tell hes mad in life but he puts a idc vibe on. So I became open and talked about my past as well. I told him I've only dated(relationship wise) one person and only had one sexual partner. We talked more and he said he liked me and that I was pretty.

 

Next we went to go to a museum but it ended up closed.. We ended up making out and got handsy. This is all consensual and I'm not blaming him for anything. We had oral sex and then he asked to see me again. I suggested go out to his side of town or go to his home. He said lets do both. We set up a second date and I ended up going to his home. We have full on sex but I clammed up and got uncomfortable. He says I'm not aggressive enough and stops to take a nap. I asked him maybe we should go on a ride and I can drive. He said he's tired and not up for an adventure since he did so much this weekend and drove around. So I sit around his room looking and waited for him to finish his nap. Then he wanted to get food and bring it back to his house. I ended up paying for it. We ate and we watched tv. He's very affectionate. He would hug/cuddle with me and his dog would come sit with us too. I decided to go home and he walked me to my car and he opened the door. He says he will try to think of a better food place to eat next time. I told him oh okay well sorry the sex was weird.. when will we see eachother next. He says he doesn't know, hes not a planner and he doesn't like to put his eggs all in one basket because he was hurt in the past. I said ok...? So does that mean no to meeting again. He didn't answer and said to text him when I get home. I text him, he acts normal and we send our normal silly texts. Last text I sent him was saying hes an awesome person. Next day he stops messaging but only sends a gif(moving picture) I decided to reach out and say I'm a bit confused, did you not want to talk anymore because I had a certain vibe from yesterday when we talked at my car? I told him I wouldn't be offended but I'd rather know than guess. He never replied.

 

Usually I don't have sex so fast with someone. I usually wait a few dates and people leave because I don't put out so fast. I decided to try a different approach and be assertive with this guy. I kissed him first and had sex. Still couldn't keep his interest. I'm not sure what I did wrong.

Edited August 14, 2018 by sunflowerandclouds94

[MountainGirl111]

Background of online guy: We met on Tinder. He's 26 years old and currently unemployed. We matched twice and we finally met in person. Very easy going guy/goes with the flow. However quite condescending and seems depressed on the inside.

 

.

 

Well, you are getting some different experience, but your first paragraph has red flags. Do you want to be condescended to? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who seems depressed and therefore could be depressing? Is he depressed because he's unemployed or what?

[sunflowerandclouds94]

This is just me assuming to be honest. I'm not 100% sure.

I know he stated in one of our conversations that he needs a job.

He lives with his parents so he's in a good position to find a job he would like without having to be too stressed out.

I didn't want to judge him and make him feel anymore bad. I wish I could've said hey I could help you find one if you like. But we only met each other twice and I didn't want to seem overbearing.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Well, you are getting some different experience, but your first paragraph has red flags. Do you want to be condescended to? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who seems depressed and therefore could be depressing? Is he depressed because he's unemployed or what?

 

This is just me assuming to be honest. I'm not 100% sure.

I know he stated in one of our conversations that he needs a job.

He lives with his parents so he's in a good position to find a job he would like without having to be too stressed out.

I didn't want to judge him and make him feel anymore bad. I wish I could've said hey I could help you find one if you like. But we only met each other twice and I didn't want to seem overbearing.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

He ended up texting back and saying he thinks I'm a lovely girl but didn't feel a connection. He thought it would be the different but it ended up being the same. I've heard this from an ex bf as well. Must be something wrong with me.

[MountainGirl111]

I decided to reach out and say I'm a bit confused, did you not want to talk anymore because I had a certain vibe from yesterday when we talked at my car? I told him I wouldn't be offended but I'd rather know than guess. He never replied.

 

Usually I don't have sex so fast with someone. I usually wait a few dates and people leave because I don't put out so fast. I decided to try a different approach and be assertive with this guy. I kissed him first and had sex. Still couldn't keep his interest. I'm not sure what I did wrong.

 

I'm not sure what you did wrong either. Well, chances are you didn't do anything wrong if you don't feel badly about having sex so soon with someone you don't know all that well. Was it good sex? Mediocre? Was he a good lover? If the experience makes you feel "bad", then maybe it's time to evaluate the tactic you took with this match and figure out what it is you truly want from on line dating. Did you end up feeling rejected? IMO OLD is a big gamble anyway...and if you're up for gambling I guess that's fine, but how high are the stakes for yourself? Maybe you won't know the answer to that question until you've had a few more experiences. One red flag I see here, but I might be imagining things is that your goal this go round may have to try something in order to keep his interest. Forgive me for being BOLD...but it's also important the other person wants to do something that will keep your interest. What happens sometimes with people interactions is for the sake of trying to keep someone's interest going we are not always true to ourselves. If you're the kind of person that isn't comfortable having sex with someone until after you get to know them better I think perhaps it would be good to think about that and stay true to what YOU want. Sometimes we ignore our own truth in order to get something we think we need.

[MountainGirl111]

He ended up texting back and saying he thinks I'm a lovely girl but didn't feel a connection. He thought it would be the different but it ended up being the same. I've heard this from an ex bf as well. Must be something wrong with me.

 

Aww. Honey. There is nothing WRONG with you! You need to believe that. Believe in yourself.

[Gretchen12]

His behavior towards you (the ghosting), is not a surprise because it actually fits really well with the rest of him that is: FLAKE. He's wishy washy, depressed, angry, unemployed, living with parents, has the girl pay for meals. Only thing he got right is nice hair (his height he got from his parents). Of course he's gonna ghost you! (and no, you can't save him.)

[kendahke]

You dodged a bullet.

 

He's not in the position to be dating if he's living in his mama's house and doesn't have a job. He's got too much in his life he needs to be focusing on other than a new girlfriend.

[ChatroomHero]

From a guy's perspective and based on what you wrote, basically he is a condescending ass-hat and you continued to want him while he was acting as such.

 

 

So one thing is for sure, he would continue being that way because it worked, he got you hooked. Either you have no filter and go out with anyone however they treat you or else you have a filter but it is focused on the wrong things. I have a feeling there are guys that probably are interested and really nice decent people, but you are not attracted to them and filter them out. There is nothing wrong with that at all, but if you can filter those guys out, you need to learn how to filter out ass-hats and not forgive their major red flags.

[Exformer]

I've pulled a few things from your post:

Instantly went goo goo eyes over him. He's tall, nice hair and nice features and totally my type.

you like him 'cause he's pretty...which is fine, but you also determine your "type" on looks alone, which can lead to a lot of bad dates while dating even though you only date "your type."

 

 

This is who he is:

 

However quite condescending and seems depressed on the inside.

He talked about other jobs where he hated. So I listened. He was VERY open about everything. I could tell hes mad in life but he puts a idc vibe on.

He says I'm not aggressive enough and stops to take a nap. I asked him maybe we should go on a ride and I can drive. He said he's tired and not up for an adventure since he did so much this weekend and drove around. So I sit around his room looking and waited for him to finish his nap. Then he wanted to get food and bring it back to his house. I ended up paying for it.

He says he doesn't know, hes not a planner and he doesn't like to put his eggs all in one basket because he was hurt in the past. I said ok...? So does that mean no to meeting again. He didn't answer and said to text him when I get home.

He never replied.

I'm guessing that's not really your type. When you put things into perspective, this isn't the guy for you...he isn't even fun to be around.

 

 

This doesn't have to do with the rest, but I'm confused about something. You say:

Usually I don't have sex so fast with someone. I usually wait a few dates and people leave because I don't put out so fast. I decided to try a different approach and be assertive with this guy. I kissed him first and had sex. Still couldn't keep his interest. I'm not sure what I did wrong.

 

But you also say:

 

I told him I've only dated(relationship wise) one person and only had one sexual partner.

Which would imply you really don't have a usual way of going about sex when dating since you've only had sex with one person prior to this encounter. This is okay, but its best to be honest with yourself. Just because you didn't wait with him doesn't mean you can't wait with the next guy, and just because this guy doesn't seem like he's going to call you after one day and a hook up, it doesn't mean you can't do that again with someone else and get better results...though I would say, from my own experience, sex on a first date leads to the first date also being the last date.

 

Don't get hung up on a "usual tactic," and gauge each situation on it's own.

[smackie9]

Well I myself have met guys that were quite attractive, but turn very unattractive the min they opened their mouth. "He's quite condescending" is where you got me....that's when you should have got up and left. He has a terrible personality, and is a knit picking, a$$hat. looking right doesn't mean great guy.

 

 

I don't know why you are so disappoint, you should be relieved he's out of there... he had absolutely no respect for you.

 

 

 

You girl need to find yourself worth. My god, I can't believe you waited around for him to finish his nap....seriously now. Again you should have left him there for good.

 

 

 

Nothing wrong with being aggressive, but only if they DESERVE and earn, to be chased. You have to do this with caution. Shelling out quick doesn't buy you a devoted hot BF.....being wise/selective, and making the right choices does. See red flags like that, you should have kicked him to the curb.

[TheFinalWord]

He ended up texting back and saying he thinks I'm a lovely girl but didn't feel a connection. He thought it would be the different but it ended up being the same. I've heard this from an ex bf as well. Must be something wrong with me.

 

Nothing wrong with you, but you ended up chasing a guy that rejected you once already. You then let him get sex really easy without any effort on his part. You weren't even comfortable with it yet, but did it because you thought it would make him like you. Doesn't work that way. You let him walk all over you like a door mat. I know it's hard, but you have to not allow yourself to let your guard down just because someone is good looking. A person's looks have nothing to do with their personality.

 

Besides all that, when a guy is out of work, its not a good time to expect him to want to get into a relationship.

[Zahara]

I can’t believe you sat there while he finished his nap. Then you fed him! You showed him that you’ll tolerate crap behavior just to be with him. He had no respect for you. I mean the guy rejected you once already in the past so at that point you should have walked out of there.

 

Boundaries and values. You need to walk into dating having some sense of what you want. Don’t get caught up with looks. If that’s your picker, you need to change that because nice hair isn’t enough.

 

There’s nothing wrong with you. You just need to realize your worth and work on your selection process when it comes to dating men.

Edited August 14, 2018 by Zahara

[BC1980]

How old are you? I ask because you sound genuinely naive about dating. The first thing I would suggest is that you not discuss an intimate detail of your life (number of sex partners) with a stranger on a first date. You don't really know this man at all. Second, unless your goal is to be someone's FWB, sex is intimate and should not be given away to a stranger when there is no love or commitment at the very least. Very few men will respect you if you are willing to have sex on a first date, and you will loose respect for yourself in the process. You sound like a sweet girl, but you need to set some personal boundaries regarding when you are willing to get physical with someone. A man who truly wants to date you will be okay with those boundaries. You're going about things backwards. You need to develop emotional intimacy with a person before you consider getting physically intimate. Also, a lot of people use online dating for hooking up, not dating. So be extra careful if you are using online dating.

[MountainGirl111]

You doing okay today, sunflower? I hope so.

 

I don't do OLD...never have. Sometimes it's a good experience; a lot of times it isn't.

 

Here's my philosophy in life: You need to love yourself. If you love yourself, you respect yourself. If you respect yourself you're not going to put up with things that waste your time or do things that cause you to compromise your principles. If you respect yourself it carries over into all aspects of your life, including how people TREAT you; how you ALLOW them to treat you.

 

The guy you hooked up with on OLD didn't treat you right, not at all. And, from the sounds of it he wouldn't be in a position of treating you right anytime soon. It doesn't matter what he looks like. Simply doesn't matter. THE most attractive people are the ones who are also good looking on the inside.

[Versacehottie]

oh no. I seriously want to cry for your post. Ok, first: stop trying to figure HIM out. Just decide what makes you feel good and what will get you what you want (with dating/bf). This is not it. So re-examine why it would not be good for YOU.

 

Most importantly (apart from building a healthy dose of self-esteem) is you need to change YOUR perspective with dating. Stop trying to convince the other person that YOU would be good to be in their life. Some examples of this in your situation with this guy are: wanting to help him find a job, accepting a coffee date pretty much, going far sexually to try to win his affection and create a bond with him, making allowances for his sh*tty behavior of you, offering to go to him for second date & go to his place, etc etc--your post had a litany of them. If you want to be "dated" & potentially a girlfriend, my recommendation would be to set the pattern of letting someone date you--hold out for DATES. Hanging out is great BUT if you want to date someone then allowing the pattern to slip into what it did on first and second date is best you will get from them & they will lose interest. People fall in love with people who inspire them to bring their best. In your scenario, you kept LOWERING your own value as an incentive for him to stick around--yes even in that short span. You want to show your value as an incentive--don't get this confused=--not by offering up all the ways you would make his life better by being in it. So try to think of yourself as a rare prize that not just any guy could have and that HE will have to show you what he would bring to the table to be in YOUR life. Perspective shift. You don't do this by being cold or playing games. You don't dump everything you've got on the table to some guy who hasn't proven himself to you, you barely know and is not treating you well in that very short time either. Even if you just think of an object like a car--which one do you want: your dream car, the top of the line brand, that you had to save for a long while to get, that take great care of etc OR the jalopy that your uncle crashed a few times that was just about to go to junkyard and that he would give to the first niece that showed up for $100? That's why you have to treat yourself like you matter and your own best advocate etc if you want others to do that.

 

So anyway a little clue on him: if he is jobless, 26 and depressed--he is probably quite far from wanting a girlfriend. You should use a TON of caution with someone in this life situation because the life situation itself doesn't lend toward a guy who would be in a position to take on a girlfriend. I'm not talking only about financially. Guys with little extra money to spend in same stage of life sometimes want a gf but they typically would have things much more figured out than this guy does--some direction in the form of a job, career or school. This guy doesn't have himself figured out (depression), has no income or purpose, and is angry and resentful probably because he has to live at home and doesn't have his sh*t figured out--pretty much the WORST candidate for a boyfriend possible and that is without the condensing, jerky part so that makes it even worse. it's just going to be very low on his priority list--and if it's a low priority and you are treating yourself low value way, well it's a recipe for disaster for you to put yourself in this situation. At the minimum, you should screen a guy like this super highly--ie make him prove himself and succeed by your standards, not FAIL and then you keep proceeding as if giving him your everything will make it turn into a success. No, it won't because it was doomed to begin with. At the minimum, if you meet someone like this, and their life situation is not great or conducive to a relationship, you stay just friendly with them but keep at a distance since who knows what the future will hold but keep your life moving in the direction you want it--which should be not to waste your time or effort with someone who cannot give you good effort, respect or even what you want (a dating relationship).

 

so work on your self-respect. Goodluck

[OnlyHonesty]

Usually I don't have sex so fast with someone. I usually wait a few dates and people leave because I don't put out so fast. I decided to try a different approach and be assertive with this guy. I kissed him first and had sex. Still couldn't keep his interest. I'm not sure what I did wrong.

 

 

Your approach centers around 'withholding', or having sex....to keep a guy interested. This makes me wonder if something elsewhere is lacking...

[sunflowerandclouds94]

Thank you all for your replies.

Wow, I noticed that yes he was not in the right position for a gf And I was trying way too hard which resulted in him leaving. You guys were right, there were certain points in which I should've left and I let looks blind me. During the first date I ignored a major red flag when he mentioned he went to jail for a DUI I think. He talked about himself most of the time. Also another disrespectful thing is when we had sex and I told him I didn't feel comfortable, he threw my clothes at me and he said "Just being mean is all". The guy showed me where he was born, his old home and he was just open on general so I thought that was a good thing.

 

Yes, I do have little dating experience. I'm introverted but I'm sociable as well. But I would say I'm introverted in the likes of talking to men.

 

I have so much to learn but I just don't know how to do it. I know I need more self love and respect.

 

I hope I never see this guy again because he was absolutely rude.

[sunflowerandclouds94]

You doing okay today, sunflower? I hope so.

 

I don't do OLD...never have. Sometimes it's a good experience; a lot of times it isn't.

 

Here's my philosophy in life: You need to love yourself. If you love yourself, you respect yourself. If you respect yourself you're not going to put up with things that waste your time or do things that cause you to compromise your principles. If you respect yourself it carries over into all aspects of your life, including how people TREAT you; how you ALLOW them to treat you.

 

The guy you hooked up with on OLD didn't treat you right, not at all. And, from the sounds of it he wouldn't be in a position of treating you right anytime soon. It doesn't matter what he looks like. Simply doesn't matter. THE most attractive people are the ones who are also good looking on the inside.

 

I'm doing okay thank you! I must admit I did cry after but I'm ok now. I'm putting it in the past and putting it as a lesson. I'm hoping to network more out of online dating because it's just leaving a bad taste in my mouth

[sunflowerandclouds94]

I'm not sure what you did wrong either. Well, chances are you didn't do anything wrong if you don't feel badly about having sex so soon with someone you don't know all that well. Was it good sex? Mediocre? Was he a good lover? If the experience makes you feel "bad", then maybe it's time to evaluate the tactic you took with this match and figure out what it is you truly want from on line dating. Did you end up feeling rejected? IMO OLD is a big gamble anyway...and if you're up for gambling I guess that's fine, but how high are the stakes for yourself? Maybe you won't know the answer to that question until you've had a few more experiences. One red flag I see here, but I might be imagining things is that your goal this go round may have to try something in order to keep his interest. Forgive me for being BOLD...but it's also important the other person wants to do something that will keep your interest. What happens sometimes with people interactions is for the sake of trying to keep someone's interest going we are not always true to ourselves. If you're the kind of person that isn't comfortable having sex with someone until after you get to know them better I think perhaps it would be good to think about that and stay true to what YOU want. Sometimes we ignore our own truth in order to get something we think we need.

 

Um the sex wasnt good? I wasn't comfortable and my gut was saying don't do a few things.

I told him I'm worried about STDS. He said to not worry unless someone hooksup a lot. That made me even more cautious. So I refrained in doing a lot and just froze Which made him frustrated I think. :/ I felt nervous but suspicious at the same time.

[MountainGirl111]

You deserve to be treated so much better! It really bothers me that when you were having sex and told him you were uncomfortable he didn't listen to you or show any concern for how you felt. I hope you don't see him again either, dear. You can learn to love yourself...treat yourself extra extra good...do nice things for yourself every day. That will help your self love grow. You are worth it!!

[MountainGirl111]

Um the sex wasnt good? I wasn't comfortable and my gut was saying don't do a few things.

I told him I'm worried about STDS. He said to not worry unless someone hooksup a lot. That made me even more cautious. So I refrained in doing a lot and just froze Which made him frustrated I think. :/ I felt nervous but suspicious at the same time.

 

What an idiot...what a jerk. I'm sorry that was a bad experience for you. When someone has sex with you I think it should feel like "making love". Sounds like there was nothing loving involved. And, your lover should be in tune to how you feel during it. You should be able to relax during sex and trust your partner. That's just my opinion on it.

Edited August 16, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[ExpatInItaly]

Um the sex wasnt good? I wasn't comfortable and my gut was saying don't do a few things.

I told him I'm worried about STDS. He said to not worry unless someone hooksup a lot. That made me even more cautious. So I refrained in doing a lot and just froze Which made him frustrated I think. :/ I felt nervous but suspicious at the same time.

 

Ugh, what a clown.

 

Did you have unprotected sex with this guy?

[Curious-One]

Its very clear what happened here.

 

 

You picked a very good looking guy that is above your league...hes the type of great looking guys that uses online dating for easy sex.

 

 

How do i know all this...well he treated you like complete crap and you still decided to have sex with him.... ON TOP OF THAT he treated you like pure **** after he had sex with you and you are still trying to see him AGAIN. He has no job, went to jail, and lives with his parents AMAZING GUY I CAN SEE WHY YOU WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

 

So whats the reason you want to see this guy again...clearly its not because you guys clicked or him being successful ... the only other reason is because of his good looks which you already mentioned.

 

 

Once again how do i know this ... well i am average guy tall 6'5 in great shape and make over $100k a year . I had this short 27 year old 5''2 chubby girl who is about 20-30 pounds overweight and average looks who cleans and cuts nails for a living talk **** about the fact that i am balding. Honestly i was never interested in her to begain with i was just being nice to her ... she went on to mention how she had so many guys on Tinder yet she was 27 and still single SURPRISE SURPRISE

Edited August 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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