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messed up with my crush, is there anything I can do to repair it?


Enna11

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I need some advice cause I am really down. So two months ago I bumped into a coworker at the coffee dock. I had seen him before but never had a conversation with him. All of a sudden I noticed that I was unable to talk to anyone around him and I felt super shy. The following weeks I lost my appetite and was unable to sleep. I had the feeling that he sensed something cause we then started looking at each other every morning when he got coffee. I kept looking into his eyes and we kept looking at each other for too long. After a few weeks he started smiling as well. Then all of a sudden he ignored me for days. I felt so hurt that when I saw him again the next time I followed him to the coffee dock. He was talking to people but when he saw me he turned towards me and he looked at me as if he was totally in love with me and spoke to me with a very soft voice. Weeks followed and he sometimes coyly smiled or laughed. I was being very discreet as we were at work but I noticed that he kept looking at me all the time even when he was with his own manager or coworkers. I did not look at him at all. I then noticed that his colleagues started noticing this and laughing. Then they also started grinning and laughing whenever they walked by my desk. At the same other guys approached me and as he was constantly looking at me I think he noticed that. I really wanted him to make a move and ask me out, so I started ignoring other guys and kept smiling at him even more. One morning I saw him walking to my desk very slowly and checking out the situation. There were hardly any coworkers and he smiled at me with a very shy smile. In the very last minute he turned around and left. the following morning he worked from somewhere else (close to the coffee dock and he never does this) and I deliberately went getting coffee on my own to make myself available to him. He immediately left and positioned to my right (the coffee machine is on the left). There were two other people standing on the other side (higher managers) and he just stood there next to me not saying or doing anything. there was akward silence. then eventually he broke the silence by saying to them ok I’ll let you go and get coffeee to the managers. I tried to make eye contact but he just looked down into his empty coffee mug. later he just kept staring at me. I felt he wanted to ask me out but kind of felt rejected. the following days he changed his behavior from being flirtatious to being cool. At one stage he interrupted a conversation that I had with my coworker at the coffee dock and left with him totally ignoring me. I felt hurt. Later I caught him again at the coffee dock and I said I am sorry about last week at the coffee dock, I did not want to ignore you I just felt awkward. He said ‘what do you mean, I don’t remember this.” I felt so hurt that I said to him: “ I can’t believe you’re lying to me, of course you do remember. “ he nervously said “ I don’t. ‘ Then I said to him and ever since then you have changed my behavior towards me and you are ignoring me and your team is gossiping about me. He said “ I don’t think you know who my team is and why would I ignore you anyway.” He also said this is so awkward now. then he said he really had to leave. I spent the rest of the day fighting back my tears. I do realize people do project when they like someone but the moments we had were real and I don’t think I am projecting. I do have feelings for him and I am so worried that everything has been ruined. Is there anything now that can be done?

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I'm so sorry you feel hurt & rejected but this alleged interest on his part is all in your head. The whole drama reads so much more like middle school then work. I fear that the other guys smiling & laughing is an adult version of middle school bullying & you are the victim. There is something about your post that skews socially awkward to me thereby leaving you vulnerable.

 

Whatever smiles & eye contact you think you saw really were you projecting. Your inability to eat & sleep over a co-worker that you have never had a proper social conversation with let alone gone on a date is an extreme over-reaction on your part.

 

Going forward I would avoid this man. His response that he had no idea what you were talking about from the week earlier at the coffee dock tells me that events you deem so significant & the basis of your "relationship" / flirtation with this man never even registered for him because they were so insignificant & inappropriately overblown by you.

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CollegeKid101

I’m sorry, but this was all in your head. He was never interested ... otherwise he would have asked you out.

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I had the impression that he wanted to make a move last week. He was standing right next to me at the coffee dock and I felt so shy that I did not pay any attention to him. He stood besides me without getting coffee. also he stood towards my right and the coffee is on the left. when I finally turned around he just starred at the bottom of his empty mug. the day before he walked very slowly towards my desk smiling at me in a shy way. He also checked out what my coworkers did as if he wanted to make sure that they were busy. he was acting very shy and he has been generally shy. He then left.

It could have been that he wanted to make a move but felt ignored at the coffee dock and got the impression that I rejected him, so he denied that he remembered the situation, right?

 

what makes you think that I am socially awkward and do you think that he's been bullying me?

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ExpatInItaly

Ah, sorry to hear it OP, but this man is not interested.

 

All this perceived flirting and attraction was not mutual. It was in your head and you've misread the situation.

 

I would just steer clear of him at work now.

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what makes you think that I am socially awkward and do you think that he's been bullying me?

 

The level of detail you shared in your post about seemingly trivial interactions, combined with your inability to eat or sleep after these encounters made me question how socially savvy you are. That is not a conventional reaction.

 

I didn't say he was bullying you. I said I suspected the other office guys may have been. While you think you are being subtle in your crush, I suspect the whole office knows & these colleagues who are laughing may be doing so at your expense. It's possible that somebody coincidently had just told an unrelated joke but improbable.

 

He may be shy but that does not explain your behavior.

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he was constantly looking at me and that was when people starting laughing. I wasn't looking at him at all when he was looking at me. the inability to eat or sleep is a side effect for people falling in love.

could apologizing to him change his opinion? I know, I totally messed up but humans make mistakes, right?

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You didn't mess up anything because there isn't anything reciprocal there. You are not in love. You have an unrequited crush. Not eating & sleeping is an extreme reaction to these events. Please take care of yourself.

 

You already tried to apologize once & the object of your affection denied knowing what you were taking about. These events which you view as so profound mean nothing to him. They don't even register. Apologizing again will make work more awkward. It will not fix anything. Leave this alone.

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ExpatInItaly
he was constantly looking at me and that was when people starting laughing. I wasn't looking at him at all when he was looking at me. the inability to eat or sleep is a side effect for people falling in love.

could apologizing to him change his opinion? I know, I totally messed up but humans make mistakes, right?

 

OP, you barely know this man. How are you in love with him?

 

Don't worry about messing up. There was nothing to mess up, other than a cordial and relaxed work environment. Yes, he probably thinks you're a little nutso since you accused him of lying about an event that was so insignificant to him that he doesn't even remember. Can't change that now, though.

 

But it's as though you messed up a budding romance. That's in your mind, unfortunately.

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so no apology, no explanation, nothing at all can change that he thinks I am nuts?

 

What will change his opinion of you is you no longer overreacting to his presence. Just avoid him but don't be unprofessional. What I mean is when he is at the coffee dock, you wait until he has cleared the area before you go over there & you stop looking longingly at him from across the office.

 

If we're wrong & there is something there, eventually he will come to you & use words. Until then you do nothing.

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ExpatInItaly
so no apology, no explanation, nothing at all can change that he thinks I am nuts?

 

Probably not, to be honest.

 

This is why you should just leave him alone now. Doing or saying anything more is not likely to help his impression of you.

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the inability to eat or sleep is a side effect for people falling in love.

 

Certainly not my experience.

 

Despite what you may have seen in the movies, an individual does not fall in love by staring at someone over a cup of coffee. Relationships develop over time, through conversations and shared experiences.

 

I agree with the other posters who say that this is very juvenile and definitely a figment of your imagination. You have an unrequited crush on a man.

 

You don’t owe him an apology. Just focus on your work and leave him alone...

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Geez! Usually accusations and lashing out don't happen until after you become a couple. And people break up over the kind of things you said. You said to him "I can't believe you're lying to me". How dare you? It is extremely disrespectful to say that to someone, let alone someone who's not in your life. You're out of line. I don't know what is in his heart before. Just based on what you said to him, I'd say you need a reality check.

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No, you can only move on and forget it.

 

The truth is, he has moved on and he likely put the whole thing out of his mind that same day... while you continue to perseverate. Just let it go...

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@BaileyB so you mean when I said it to him that's when he moved on because I made a stupid mistake?

 

There was nothing to move on from... You were at best, an acquaintance. You said something he likely didn’t understand because it was out of context for him, he likely considered it for a moment, thought “that was strange,” then said “oh well...” and went back to be with his buddies.

 

Men don’t perseverate on things - especially strange comments by women they barely know. Don’t worry about it.

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Versacehottie
so no apology, no explanation, nothing at all can change that he thinks I am nuts?

 

More of talking to him/apologizing and acting like you two have "something" would be one of the worst things you could do to make things right. Won't happen that way. That was your huge mistake and is indeed something that makes you seem socially awkward, insecure and/or living in your head. Sorry.

 

I think if you want to overcome this social awkwardness with him and/or others, you need to start with small bits of conversation about very minor, insignificant things....the weather (kidding but not really), some innocent stuff at work, asking about a person's weekend, stuff like that. And then if there is an honest connection, build on it slowly. You need to reel yourself back in basically for over-imagining a stronger connection than one that exists and crossing boundaries (yes i would say accusing basically a co-worker of "looking at you" and subsequently not remembering doing it, is aggressive, clingy behavior and will drive people away from you.) Anyway, your best bet is to keep your distance a bit and if you notice that he has made it to neutral stance with you, just be normal, friendly. Only give as much as he gives in terms of interaction. As far as a future romance with him, I'd say it's a long shot--at best! But I think you can learn a valuable lesson on how to communicate with others that will make the outcomes you want more likely. Think the opposite of what you did do.

 

Most importantly, you need to work on what is going on in your head. A crush is fine but be careful of the level of importance you let it have in your life that is out of proportion with what is really going on and where you "are" with someone yet. In this case, what you supposed and built up in your head was wayyyyyy out of proportion and lead to a reaction from you that was uncalled for--thus destroying chances for the thing you wanted to happen. I would work on socializing with others in general (friendships, some dating) so that you don't get so worked up and attached. Good luck

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I only struggle talking to guys I have a romantic interest in. I am used to making small talk at work all the time. I wonder if he now knows that I have a crush on him through the awkward accusation I made?

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I only struggle talking to guys I have a romantic interest in. I am used to making small talk at work all the time. I wonder if he now knows that I have a crush on him through the awkward accusation I made?

 

No. He now thinks that you are a very strange woman with very poor social skills. He is not a mind reader. I do not think that he knows that you have a crush on him...

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so if he doesn't know that, would it not be best to tell him that I like him and was hence reading into things. at least then he would understand?

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Do not announce to a work colleague that you have a crush on him or that you like him. If you want to telegraph that ask him on a date. If you can't or won't do that, just leave this alone. Anything you do at this point will make it all worse Even asking him out will make it worse if he says no

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