Why the doubt? **Updated**

[Fair]

I'm with a wonderful man now, but though we've had a six month flirtation going we've only been together romantically for about a week.

 

I'm bothered by the fact that over the course of the week he's expressing continual fears that our new relationship won't work out and that I'll leave. I keep trying to reassure him but to seemingly no avail. So I told him it bothers me when he keeps saying things like that, which it does. A lot of the time he passes it off as a joke, saying he's just being silly... but then keeps doing it.

 

He has ED as it turns out... or so it seems.... and says he might be diabetic. He thinks his blood sugar could be the cause but that it might be psychological. He says with me, he just gets nervous, but he's not a man in general who chases women normally and has been single a long time. I think it's because he's just never had much of a sex drive for whatever reason and that he's only saying he's nervous to save face.

 

 

But whatever the case he keeps expressing doubt about our new relationship working out and it's really starting to hurt me. I've been understanding about his ED and everything else... I've given him no reason to fear I'll leave.

 

 

Why would a man keep doing this especially if his partner says it bothers her? I wonder if it's really him who wants out and not so much that he fears I'll leave.

 

 

At any rate, I can't get him to be open with me. What should I do?

[basil67]

Hey, good for you in finally meeting up with this guy.

 

Why does he keep doing this even though you say it bothers you? Because he's suffering anxiety over it. Just as you couldn't simply turn of your own anxiety, neither can he. Anxiety simply doesn't work that way. And just as he knew that your anxiety and taking time to meet wasn't about him, you must remember that this isn't about you.

 

He also sounds very insecure and passive. More issues which will underscore his anxiety. And probably contribute to the ED as well.

 

Anyway, there's a lot of 'mights' in the possible reasons for his ED. When was the last time he got a health check which covered possible diabetes?

[ThreeRainbows]

Why would a man keep doing this especially if his partner says it bothers her? I wonder if it's really him who wants out and not so much that he fears I'll leave.

 

 

My ex BF did this! He also had a problem. He didn't have ED, but he couldn't orgasm easily.

 

 

Weird thing is, your intuition might be right. My bf left me, yet he was worried that I would leave him. He wanted to "explore his options."

 

 

Beware.

Edited August 4, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

[Fair]

Anyway, there's a lot of 'mights' in the possible reasons for his ED. When was the last time he got a health check which covered possible diabetes?

 

He said he's had blood tests and has an appt. Tuesday to go in for the results and so he'll know then what the score is.

 

Would like to hear some male perspectives. Is it possible that I'm right and he wants out of the relationship already? If not, what could I say or do to calm his fears? I'm having a lot of anxiety about this and it's not fun. I've really come to care for him.

Edited August 4, 2018 by Fair

[mortensorchid]

Ooooh … I've got some news for you, sweetheart, if you haven't already seen this already about him.

 

I am sorry to say that this guy is not going to commit to you down the road, or "come around" (no pun intended with the ED reference but I will get to that as well) and see what a great catch you are. His anxiety is not something that was/is caused by you, unless he is going to a psychiatrist to work through his issues it's not going to be fixed by you either. I'm sorry to say that if he is talking about these things along the line of "oh whoa is me, you'll leave me someday because of [reason], you deserve someone better, etc.", that's a bad sign. What will happen is that he will let you down in so many ways, you will spend a lot of time and energy reassuring him that everything's alright, and he will break up with you because he's "just not right".

 

As for the ED? Well I probably don't have to tell you that in his case this is psychological not physical most likely. Those with ED usually have some kind of anxiety going on, but it has nothing to do with you. And you are left feeling … Undesirable when the system crashes.

 

Is this what you want? I'm guessing no.

[basil67]

He said he's had blood tests and has an appt. Tuesday to go in for the results and so he'll know then what the score is.

 

Would like to hear some male perspectives. Is it possible that I'm right and he wants out of the relationship already? If not, what could I say or do to calm his fears? I'm having a lot of anxiety about this and it's not fun. I've really come to care for him.

 

Glad he's getting tests.

 

Sorry I'm not male. But I don't think he wants out at all. I think he's over the top worried that YOU will want out. And as know, one can't reason with this level of significant anxiety - and this is what's happening to him.

[Fair]

Ooooh … I've got some news for you, sweetheart, if you haven't already seen this already about him.

 

I am sorry to say that this guy is not going to commit to you down the road, or "come around" (no pun intended with the ED reference but I will get to that as well) and see what a great catch you are. His anxiety is not something that was/is caused by you, unless he is going to a psychiatrist to work through his issues it's not going to be fixed by you either. I'm sorry to say that if he is talking about these things along the line of "oh whoa is me, you'll leave me someday because of [reason], you deserve someone better, etc.", that's a bad sign. What will happen is that he will let you down in so many ways, you will spend a lot of time and energy reassuring him that everything's alright, and he will break up with you because he's "just not right".

 

As for the ED? Well I probably don't have to tell you that in his case this is psychological not physical most likely. Those with ED usually have some kind of anxiety going on, but it has nothing to do with you. And you are left feeling … Undesirable when the system crashes.

 

Is this what you want? I'm guessing no.

 

I don't want to make assumptions too soon. He's been absolutely wonderful in every other way. He's been incredibly attentive and caring towards me and does everything he can to make me happy. In fact, yesterday he went to a walk in clinic and got some Viagra which we haven't tried out yet. And he wants to try it tonight but then along with the hope comes the fears that the pills won't work.

 

It's making me feel very anxious. I mean, I wake up next to him feeling happy and loved and then by the end of the day am a wreck because of his insecurities... all sorts of questions in my mind.... I wish I knew how to talk to him. But how do you talk to someone who keeps laughing it off?

[preraph]

Because men can't conceive that sex is that low on a woman's priority list because it's usually right up top on theirs.

 

He doesn't ask women out because he can't function sexually, and that's the main reason a man asks a woman out. He may or may not see a reason to have a relationship with no sex.

[ThreeRainbows]

I am sorry to say that this guy is not going to commit to you down the road, or "come around" (no pun intended with the ED reference but I will get to that as well) and see what a great catch you are. His anxiety is not something that was/is caused by you, unless he is going to a psychiatrist to work through his issues it's not going to be fixed by you either. I'm sorry to say that if he is talking about these things along the line of "oh whoa is me, you'll leave me someday because of [reason], you deserve someone better, etc.", that's a bad sign. What will happen is that he will let you down in so many ways, you will spend a lot of time and energy reassuring him that everything's alright, and he will break up with you because he's "just not right".

 

 

So true. This was the case with my ex.

 

 

I would not get emotionally involved right away. Or at all. Everything he is afraid you'll do to him is exactly what he is going to do to you. Psychology is weird like that. It's called projecting.

[Lotsgoingon]

Why would a man keep doing this especially if his partner says it bothers her? I wonder if it's really him who wants out and not so much that he fears I'll leave. At any rate, I can't get him to be open with me. What should I do?

 

I think these are acute observations. Someone expressing fears early on that I am going to leave them ... undermines an emerging relationship just as much as someone saying they are thinking of leaving me. This behavior disrupts trust and leaves the person in your position disoriented.

 

We sometimes forget that receiving love, really accepting that someone likes us and wants to be with us, can be as risky and frightening as offering and giving love. And some people truly do not think they deserve love and romance.

 

This inability accept love is a deep, deep issue, long in the making ... Your good words--and even good treatment--are simply no match against a lifetime of thinking of yourself as someone who couldn't possibly be a pleasing partner to someone else.

 

Translation: he's so afraid of disappointing you, so afraid that he WILL disappoint you ... that he'll dump you just to avoid avoid the possibility (or in his mind inevitability) of you dumping him.

 

Now you're in the absurd position of not just reassuring him ... now you're trying not to get mad about his maddening rejection of your reassurance. Ultimately--and this is a twist I haven't thought of until now--because he can't receive love and trust love--because he's so caught up in his fears and sense of inadequacy--most likely he can't give love either.

 

I don't see anything more you can do ... He has to address the anxiety and health issues for himself--not for you or for the relationship. It's not just your to wait especially if he's actively undermining trust with his words.

 

I would only proceed--if I proceeded at all--with extreme caution.

[basil67]

I think these are acute observations. Someone expressing fears early on that I am going to leave them ... undermines an emerging relationship just as much as someone saying they are thinking of leaving me. This behavior disrupts trust and leaves the person in your position disoriented.

 

Sadly, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Fair]

I'm going to talk to him about it tonight and bring this to a head one way or another. I've been battling anxiety myself and now I've got someone playing with my emotions. He's made me come to trust, love and need him and now this.

[ThreeRainbows]

This sounds like he has the fearful-avoidant attachment style.

 

 

https://jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/fearful-avoidant/

 

 

A good read.

[basil67]

I'm going to talk to him about it tonight and bring this to a head one way or another. I've been battling anxiety myself and now I've got someone playing with my emotions. He's made me come to trust, love and need him and now this.

 

"Playing with your emotions" is a bit of a stretch. He's not doing this deliberately. You must remember that this is his anxiety talking. Compare it to back when you couldn't leave the house to meet a guy you may have been talking to. He may have felt (just as you do now) that you were just stringing him along or playing with him. But the reality is that you didn't have any control over this. It's the same for the guy you're with.

 

Anyway, when you have the talk don't blame him or accuse him of playing with your emotions. Make it simply about you not being able to deal with him constantly thinking that you're going to leave.

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, he's not really playing with your emotions. He is anxious, you are anxious... get together and you have... a lot of anxiety and insecurity in this relationship.

 

I have a feeling that your anxiety causes you to either strike out (get them before they get you) or leave the relationship - the old "fight or flight response." Be careful about that.

 

Remember, he is not doing this on purpose. If either of you are unable to deal with the insecurity of a new relationship and/or feel the need to control things, you may want to take a big step back...

Edited August 5, 2018 by BaileyB

[Fair]

"Playing with your emotions" is a bit of a stretch. He's not doing this deliberately. You must remember that this is his anxiety talking. Compare it to back when you couldn't leave the house to meet a guy you may have been talking to. He may have felt (just as you do now) that you were just stringing him along or playing with him. But the reality is that you didn't have any control over this. It's the same for the guy you're with.

 

Anyway, when you have the talk don't blame him or accuse him of playing with your emotions. Make it simply about you not being able to deal with him constantly thinking that you're going to leave.

 

I had a talk about it with him just now. But I did accuse him of playing with my emotions. He left my house asking me if it's over and I didn't respond. So he left, saying, 'well, I guess it's over then," but I know he doesn't really believe it is. He took me in his arms and made me feel like my feelings about the 'jokes' he makes are silly... saying that he loves me and knows I love him.

 

 

I'm so fricken confused. But I do feel now that I probably blew the whole thing out of proportion. He has a way of making me feel in an instant like I'm just being 'silly', and making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

 

I don't know what's going to happen now, but he'll probably be back. I told him clearly I can't deal with his 'doubts', and he promised to stop saying those things, but if he really is feeling those things the whole thing will crash and burn anyway. He's still making light of it when it's actually causing me a lot of distress.

Edited August 5, 2018 by Fair

[BaileyB]

You are certainly entitled to your feelings. Just because someone else may feel that you are making a mountain out of a molehill doesn't mean that you don't have a right to feel upset.

 

I would be upset if I was dating a man who constantly expressed his doubts to me that the relationship would not work/or that I would leave him. It would definitely become a self fullfilling prophecy.

 

But, I do think that basil is correct when she says that he (I would say, you both) have significant anxiety and it's difficult to reason with an individual when they are experiencing such anxiety. You filter every experience through this lens and that changes how you experience and deal with your relationship/life.

 

Let him go to his doctor and see what they say. Is he getting treatment for his anxiety? If he is on anxiety meds, it is possible that this is a contributing factor for his ED. Take some time to calm yourself, gain perspective, and then see what he says...

Edited August 5, 2018 by BaileyB

[basil67]

Are you blowing the whole thing out of proportion? Yes and no.

 

I can tell you straight up that I couldn't deal with someone who said the things he was saying. I would have been out of there in a shot. This is because one of my prerequisites for a relationship is a person who's mental health is very solid.

 

However, you've long talked about society's lack of compassion and understanding for those who have anxiety. So it seems that you're just like the rest of us in not being able to deal with the baggage that anxiety brings. So as someone who wants compassion for those who have anxiety, you're completely blowing it out of proportion.

 

If nothing else, I hope this brings you understanding in both directions: What a person with anxiety needs and why most of the community will run in the other direction when faced with a partner who has it.

 

I don't think he'll be back. His already extremely fragile ego has now taken a blow that will set him back terribly. He won't be able to face you....or may be blaming you for not understanding his anxiety.

[ExpatInItaly]

I had a talk about it with him just now. But I did accuse him of playing with my emotions. He left my house asking me if it's over and I didn't respond. So he left, saying, 'well, I guess it's over then," but I know he doesn't really believe it is. He took me in his arms and made me feel like my feelings about the 'jokes' he makes are silly... saying that he loves me and knows I love him.

 

And why did you take this approach? You didn't handle this conversation well. As I see it, he is overly anxious and you need to improve your communication skills.

 

If you want it to be over, say so. And if you don't, say so. Don't hit the mute button and let him leave. Unfortunately, you've just triggered his worst fears after previously reassuring him that you would be compassionate. Now he's seen that you are unsure about him.

 

I understand your frustration, as I too have dated a guy like this. It was exhausting having to constantly reassure him, when in the end, he was the one with one foot out the door and someone else in his back pocket. However, that was after a few months of dating and I sensed that he was about to jump ship and I frankly wasn't all that bummed to see him go. It was killing my attraction to him. You've been dating this guy for a week. You don't yet know him well enough to know if this is truly anxiety, or something else. But it seems you've already decided he's trying to manipulate you, and it's going to be hard to come back from that.

[act00]

I had a talk about it with him just now. But I did accuse him of playing with my emotions. He left my house asking me if it's over and I didn't respond. So he left, saying, 'well, I guess it's over then," but I know he doesn't really believe it is. He took me in his arms and made me feel like my feelings about the 'jokes' he makes are silly... saying that he loves me and knows I love him.

 

 

I'm so fricken confused. But I do feel now that I probably blew the whole thing out of proportion. He has a way of making me feel in an instant like I'm just being 'silly', and making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

 

I don't know what's going to happen now, but he'll probably be back. I told him clearly I can't deal with his 'doubts', and he promised to stop saying those things, but if he really is feeling those things the whole thing will crash and burn anyway. He's still making light of it when it's actually causing me a lot of distress.

 

Why did you leave it open-ended like that? This guy has serious anxiety issues, and if you want to see how this plays out and you're serious about pursuing a relationship with him, you should have responded more assuredly that this is not the end, at all...just a bump.

 

If you're done with this relationship and these insecurities, then a defined response would be that yes, it's time to end this.

 

Make a choice...don't keep this guy dangling.

 

I don't think you're making a mountain out of a molehill, at all. On the contrary, this guy seems to be building the mountain, and you're frantically trying to shovel the thing back down...to no avail...proceed with caution. It's not your job to placate him. If he is this insecure, it's probably best to let him loose back into the pond.

 

I've dealt with ED. This can be a major issue in relationships, and the thing is, while it could leave YOU feeling inadequate, you can't turn him on, you also understand that age and medication side-effects are major players...let alone performance anxiety, nerves. What concerns me more is that this guy will be completely uninterested in any intimate or sexual acts in the future, let alone not participating in daily affection and kisses and touching and hugs, because there is no release or end result...why bother? Why bother with any forms of intimacy when it just leaves you horny and no finish? This is what concerns me. I have been involved with the ED guy, and in the beginning, when things are hot, these guys are okay with other acts of intimacy, when they themselves can't finish, but how long before they stop bothering? You can't even give him a hug and a kiss while he's doing the dishes, and he never expresses affection anymore...because it's just a tease to him and blue balls...why bother? That is my biggest fear. I am tactile and affectionate, and no affection at all, let alone no forms of intimacy, would not work well for me.

 

You flirted and have know this guy for months, and in a matter of seven days, fully blew up on you with insecurities beyond your control...I don't even know where to go with this because I would want to see this play out...but I wouldn't be able to deal with having to constantly build him up and assure him...I'm leaning in the direction of letting it go. He can work on his anxiety and his health issues and then get back to you.

[OatsAndHall]

Never underestimate how insecure having ED can make a man.. I dealt with it many years ago and it screwed with my head. It created a ton of anxiety and insecurity and that didn't go away until I addressed the problem.

[brigit87]

I had a talk about it with him just now. But I did accuse him of playing with my emotions. He left my house asking me if it's over and I didn't respond. So he left, saying, 'well, I guess it's over then," but I know he doesn't really believe it is. He took me in his arms and made me feel like my feelings about the 'jokes' he makes are silly... saying that he loves me and knows I love him.

 

 

I'm so fricken confused. But I do feel now that I probably blew the whole thing out of proportion. He has a way of making me feel in an instant like I'm just being 'silly', and making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

 

I don't know what's going to happen now, but he'll probably be back. I told him clearly I can't deal with his 'doubts', and he promised to stop saying those things, but if he really is feeling those things the whole thing will crash and burn anyway. He's still making light of it when it's actually causing me a lot of distress.

 

you're acting like children.

 

call him and talk to him like an adult.

[coolheadal]

I had a talk about it with him just now. But I did accuse him of playing with my emotions. He left my house asking me if it's over and I didn't respond. So he left, saying, 'well, I guess it's over then," but I know he doesn't really believe it is. He took me in his arms and made me feel like my feelings about the 'jokes' he makes are silly... saying that he loves me and knows I love him.

 

 

I'm so fricken confused. But I do feel now that I probably blew the whole thing out of proportion. He has a way of making me feel in an instant like I'm just being 'silly', and making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

 

I don't know what's going to happen now, but he'll probably be back. I told him clearly I can't deal with his 'doubts', and he promised to stop saying those things, but if he really is feeling those things the whole thing will crash and burn anyway. He's still making light of it when it's actually causing me a lot of distress.

 

In situations like this my dear do not contact him at all. He left you because you wanted to know why, what and how his emotional behavior was effecting you in your relationship. He can't handle it so he walked out the door. Just wait and see what his next move is? If you don't hear from him then don't worry you know what the outcome is already.

[Fair]

Never underestimate how insecure having ED can make a man.. I dealt with it many years ago and it screwed with my head. It created a ton of anxiety and insecurity and that didn't go away until I addressed the problem.

 

Was it psychological or physical or both? How would you suggest I proceed with this as a man who has dealt with ED?

[Fair]

However, you've long talked about society's lack of compassion and understanding for those who have anxiety. So it seems that you're just like the rest of us in not being able to deal with the baggage that anxiety brings. So as someone who wants compassion for those who have anxiety, you're completely blowing it out of proportion.

 

If nothing else, I hope this brings you understanding in both directions: What a person with anxiety needs and why most of the community will run in the other direction when faced with a partner who has it.

 

I don't think he'll be back. His already extremely fragile ego has now taken a blow that will set him back terribly. He won't be able to face you....or may be blaming you for not understanding his anxiety.

 

I have all the compassion in the world for him. As a matter of fact, he did come back... almost immediately.