Should I make the first move?

[oneinamillion93]

Hi guys,

 

Long time since the last time I've been here, I recently interested in this guy at work, now I know people say that "don't **** where you eat" but my company's policy is pretty open and there is many couples among my team. I'm interested in this guy after moved to new department, we work in the same floor but different area. Since the first day we kinda have a thing for each other. It's been for like months already. At first we only bumped into each other in the canteen but now he started to be around me more. He made friends with my friends, always around my desk or my radar. From the beginning when I tried to give him hints or looking into his eyes he always smiled and look away. He's very SHY. Recently we started to make more eyes contact, look at each other for quite awhile and smile etc but I don't know how to make him make the first move. Sometimes when we stand next to each other he can only talk to my friends and couldn't talk to me, just smile. I know his social media but we never really talk so I don't know if I should add him on there.

 

Can you guys advise me on what to do that not so obvious? I'm pretty sure that's he's single, just shy and reserved.

[lovesickcanuck]

Go for it!!

 

 

Being a relatively shy guy myself, I do like the woman to take the lead initially. Once done, I have no problem taking the lead, but after having faced rejection a few time, it's really nice to have the woman take the initiative. It lets us shy guys know that you're interested.

 

 

Perhaps, like myself, this guy is more of a "literal" personality and has difficulties reading between the lines or getting hints. I swear, I could have a woman flirt with me and I would have no clue that she was.

[oneinamillion93]

Go for it!!

 

 

Being a relatively shy guy myself, I do like the woman to take the lead initially. Once done, I have no problem taking the lead, but after having faced rejection a few time, it's really nice to have the woman take the initiative. It lets us shy guys know that you're interested.

 

 

Perhaps, like myself, this guy is more of a "literal" personality and has difficulties reading between the lines or getting hints. I swear, I could have a woman flirt with me and I would have no clue that she was.

 

But I don't know how to do it? Talk to him first to let him know I'm interested? Or adding him on his social media? When we're in meeting he glanced at me a lot. We have mutual connection but I don't know how to start a conversation with him since I'm pretty shy myself as well

[kendahke]

What about you making the first move? He is weighing a lot in his decision to approach you boldly--like if you're even open to it.

 

Try being a little more conspicuous in your interest--and try a bit more of the direct approach. Own your voice and speak up for what you want with him. He'll either meet the challenge boldly or he will shrink back in insecurity.

 

My usual admonition is to not poop where you eat, but if you're interest is that heightened...

[kendahke]

But I don't know how to do it? Talk to him first to let him know I'm interested?

 

 

If you accidentally drove a nail through your hand, would you hem and haw with the ER people about what you needed or would you be speaking up? The most direct way of conveying information is to talk to them. Nothing is left up to interpretation of tone and humor--you'll both know by gauging each other's body language in real time.

 

Or adding him on his social media?

 

Leave social media out of this for right now. You don't know anything about him other than he works with you and you're intrigued by him. Do your socializing at lunch time or at happy hour right after work. That's how to get to know him and then you can decide to let him in on your world. If he turns out to be a creep, you don't want that loose cannon wreaking havoc with your circle of friends and family.

 

We have mutual connection but I don't know how to start a conversation with him since I'm pretty shy myself as well

 

"So, I can't help but notice the enjoyable increase in eye contact this week... wanted to let you know that I like it..." wink and walk away smiling. "and we're off!!" He will figure out how to follow up on that.

[MountainGirl111]

Half the battle is knowing what you want and maybe the other half is knowing if it's realistically attainable. If you are sincerely interested in him and you get vibes that he would recipracate.... go for it...maybe he needs some encouragement from you like a green light. Many men find it refreshing when a girl knows what she wants to do and takes the initiative.

[preraph]

Come on, now. Don't overlook the obvious. If he can talk to your friends or, indeed, anyone else, he can talk to you. He's not that shy. You're hoping he's shy because he's not talking to you and you have a crush on him. Shy doesn't talk to everyone else in the office.

 

He might not be interested.

He might not want an office romance.

He might already have a love interest.

That love interest might even be one of those other women he talks to instead of you.

 

You can certainly ask him out, but I'd be wanting some sign of interest first if it was me. Smiling at people in the office is pretty much a requisite on the job, so you can't make too much of that.

 

Ask him and a couple other people to happy hour if you want and see if he warms up to you or someone else.

[ThreeRainbows]

I'm terribly shy. I met my last boyfriend at my temporary workplace.

 

 

I think what encouraged him was when I just kept getting caught smiling at him for tooo long. And then blushing when he noticed.

 

 

I did go out of my way to give him my number before leaving that workplace. Basically, we casually talked about getting together sometime, and I just gave him my number. Liftoff. However, he turned out to be a wishy-washy boyfriend.

 

 

 

Thing is, the more you pursue a man, the higher the chance you end up with someone who was never 100% into you. While I don't know of this guys' interest level, you have to be careful. Him pursuing you is a sign of interest. Better thing for you to do is just flirt, and let him come to you.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ask him out to lunch, as you two just going to lunch.

 

Wanna grab lunch today? Or ... wanna grab lunch sometime?

 

That's a nice little escalation ...

 

You can ask him, So what do you do in the evenings? Listen to him nervously answer and then say, Why don't we grab dinner sometime? It'd be fun. You're not coming on too strong. You're simply being confident and clear--you want to do X with him, so you're acting on that desire.

 

Pick a place (have a place in mind) and propose a day time.

 

So funny, as I write this, all of a sudden I'm calling up memories of female work colleagues inviting me out ... often it was just that we were work buds ... But occasionally it signaled more ... Sometimes it was unclear, and that itself was fun as well.

 

My view: always follow the energy. You like talking to someone and you think they like talking to you ... and you want to spend more time with them, say so ... initiate further contact.

 

A shy guy will be just as thrilled and excited (and nervous) going out when you make the first move as he would be if he made the first move. Total green light.

 

Ignore all the traditional male-is-supposed-to-initiate stuff. Some males--and I was sometimes in this category years ago--are just terrified of initiating.

[kendahke]

Thing is, the more you pursue a man, the higher the chance you end up with someone who was never 100% into you.

 

Who told you that? That's not true across the board. That is only true with guys who were never that interested in you in the first place. And if it does die out, so what? Not every relationship is meant to be or is supposed to be. Some of them are just learning lessons for your life, not someone to build a life with. A universe of difference fits between those two notions.

 

First off, you're not pursuing him--you're just letting him know that you like his interest. There is such a thing called "priming the pump" and where you are with this guy, you have to give him some sort of green light to proceed--because he cannot and should not be reading the mind of a grown woman---and if he has requisite interest in you, he will follow your lead. If he doesn't, he won't---and if that's the case then change your policy about dating coworkers because it can get really messy bringing your feelings all up in the workplace, despite however "cool" your current job is about that level of messiness in their employees.

Edited August 5, 2018 by kendahke

[ThreeRainbows]

Who told you that? That's not true across the board. That is only true with guys who were never that interested in you in the first place. And if it does die out, so what? Not every relationship is meant to be or is supposed to be. Some of them are just learning lessons for your life, not someone to build a life with. A universe of difference fits between those two notions.

 

 

That's what I mean. If you pursue a man, there is a higher chance that he's just accepting something because it's easy for him. Higher chance for low interest. If you let them pursue you, it's higher chance that his interest is high - a good thing in a relationship.

 

 

 

The reason to avoid that is just to avoid heartbreak. If you're ok with that risk, then sure, it would always be good experience regardless of outcome.

[preraph]

^ I think it is true most of the time. But what else is true is that if the guy IS into you but too lame to be able to ask you out, then that's an ongoing irritation and frustration.

 

There's ways to find out if a guy likes you.

[OnlyHonesty]

Ive been in a similar situation. The reason why I didn't make a move had nothing to do with shyness....I just wasn't interested enough to invest more time in her, and there were things about her that made her unsuitable.

[oneinamillion93]

Who told you that? That's not true across the board. That is only true with guys who were never that interested in you in the first place. And if it does die out, so what? Not every relationship is meant to be or is supposed to be. Some of them are just learning lessons for your life, not someone to build a life with. A universe of difference fits between those two notions.

 

I thought of the same thing. I don’t mean pursuing him, I meant to give him hints so he knows I’m interested as well.

 

That's what I mean. If you pursue a man, there is a higher chance that he's just accepting something because it's easy for him. Higher chance for low interest. If you let them pursue you, it's higher chance that his interest is high - a good thing in a relationship.

 

We’re making progress. Before he wouldn’t be able to hold eyes contact but now he does. Even smiled at me. He always hang around waiting for me to leave the building first then he would leave even tho he always finishes before me.

 

^ I think it is true most of the time. But what else is true is that if the guy IS into you but too lame to be able to ask you out, then that's an ongoing irritation and frustration.

 

There's ways to find out if a guy likes you.

 

I’m curious too I wanna know which way

 

Ive been in a similar situation. The reason why I didn't make a move had nothing to do with shyness....I just wasn't interested enough to invest more time in her, and there were things about her that made her unsuitable.

 

So many opinions on this I started to think it’s all in my head. God damn what do I do to stuck with this for months.

[oneinamillion93]

Anyone here have any other opinions?

[Doost]

If you’re a girl just ask him what he’s doing over the weekend and let him know you have no plans and are free. I don’t think you have to ask him out. He will ask you out if he is interested after gaining that info.

[Doost]

You could also just say hi to him on Facebook or Instagram etc. but he may not check his messages on those.

[oneinamillion93]

You could also just say hi to him on Facebook or Instagram etc. but he may not check his messages on those.

 

Considering we’re never actually have a conversation? Would it be creepy if I add him on fb? We have many mutual friends tho

[Lotsgoingon]

I missed that you guys haven't talked ... sorry about that.

 

First thing ... introduce yourself to him ... This happens all the time. We're around someone, work with someone ... we know who the other person is ... but for whatever reason ... there's still this distance ... So a smooth move is to just stop and say, "Hi, we haven't formally met. I'm X" and extend your hand.

 

Or ... when you see him next time, say hello using his name. Just as there are introductions to people whose names we know ... a lot of times, people at work ... just start calling each other by name without having been formally introduced.

 

Usually the second partner reciprocates and calls the first by name also.

 

Then at least you guys have started to communicate.

[No_Go]

Let him make the first move. Be approachable, be open, find reasons to be around. But don't go confess your everlasting love to him, for a shy man an overtly aggressive woman asking him out CAN be a turn off. Worse - you can get a beta dude (or make him act beta) this way.

 

In my case low-grade flirting with a coworker turned in a full-blown relationship, but lots of water had to pass (he wasn't single, there were other issues too) - so it took about two years from meeting to first date. And another few months to physical contact. It has been worth the wait:)

 

Hi guys,

 

Long time since the last time I've been here, I recently interested in this guy at work, now I know people say that "don't **** where you eat" but my company's policy is pretty open and there is many couples among my team. I'm interested in this guy after moved to new department, we work in the same floor but different area. Since the first day we kinda have a thing for each other. It's been for like months already. At first we only bumped into each other in the canteen but now he started to be around me more. He made friends with my friends, always around my desk or my radar. From the beginning when I tried to give him hints or looking into his eyes he always smiled and look away. He's very SHY. Recently we started to make more eyes contact, look at each other for quite awhile and smile etc but I don't know how to make him make the first move. Sometimes when we stand next to each other he can only talk to my friends and couldn't talk to me, just smile. I know his social media but we never really talk so I don't know if I should add him on there.

 

Can you guys advise me on what to do that not so obvious? I'm pretty sure that's he's single, just shy and reserved.

[oneinamillion93]

I missed that you guys haven't talked ... sorry about that.

 

First thing ... introduce yourself to him ... This happens all the time. We're around someone, work with someone ... we know who the other person is ... but for whatever reason ... there's still this distance ... So a smooth move is to just stop and say, "Hi, we haven't formally met. I'm X" and extend your hand.

 

Or ... when you see him next time, say hello using his name. Just as there are introductions to people whose names we know ... a lot of times, people at work ... just start calling each other by name without having been formally introduced.

 

Usually the second partner reciprocates and calls the first by name also.

 

Then at least you guys have started to communicate.

 

Let him make the first move. Be approachable, be open, find reasons to be around. But don't go confess your everlasting love to him, for a shy man an overtly aggressive woman asking him out CAN be a turn off. Worse - you can get a beta dude (or make him act beta) this way.

 

In my case low-grade flirting with a coworker turned in a full-blown relationship, but lots of water had to pass (he wasn't single, there were other issues too) - so it took about two years from meeting to first date. And another few months to physical contact. It has been worth the wait:)

 

So I took all my courage to break the ice with him today. I pretend to ask for a favor and he helped me but again our friends was there so that was it. We didn’t talk more. We locked eyes and smiled at each other a few times during a day as well. He always leave his desk and be around my area but always act like he’s not there because my desk is close. I don’t know tho. I don’t know if It’s all in my head. How do I making progress?

[OatsAndHall]

Anyone here have any other opinions?

 

 

Ask him to join you for lunch (alone..), chat with him and then ask him out if you're interested or if he hasn't already done so.

 

 

 

As a guy, I would be thrilled if more women were forward. And, not because it's "easy"; I like a woman that can take the initiative if they're interested.

[preraph]

You've made yourself apparent to him. He isn't stupid, presumably, so he knows you like him. Now, he's either not particularly interested or not ready and able to date. He could have social anxiety or any number of other issues like no money for dating, another girlfriend, gay.

 

My point is that if a guy likes you and is ready and able to date, you will know he likes you because he will come round and talk and flirt and ask you out. If he's unable to do that even though he would like to, he's not developed enough to date and needs to work on himself or mature or whatever. I mean, if you had to ask him out and do all the asking and planning and prod him to go out with you, wouldn't that make you mad and wouldn't you be disappointed he wasn't capable??? So you've made it clear you're interested. Give it a short amount of time and then move on.

[No_Go]

So I took all my courage to break the ice with him today. I pretend to ask for a favor and he helped me but again our friends was there so that was it. We didn’t talk more. We locked eyes and smiled at each other a few times during a day as well. He always leave his desk and be around my area but always act like he’s not there because my desk is close. I don’t know tho. I don’t know if It’s all in my head. How do I making progress?

 

You ARE making progress. Let it happen naturally. The best way is to make him feel comfortable around you. It may take a long time but it will be worth it.

[oneinamillion93]

You ARE making progress. Let it happen naturally. The best way is to make him feel comfortable around you. It may take a long time but it will be worth it.

 

I dont know for sure anymore. Today we didn’t see each other much and once I have a chance to talk to him when we are really close to each other I became stiff like a rock.