Girlfriend wants an open relationship

[opentoconfusion]

I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 years now. We have discussed marriage many times and I actually bought her a ring and was planning to propose in August.

 

One problem I have always had was that I believed our libidos were mismatched. I am a very sexual person with a high libido. In a perfect world I would have sex with her every day. I am crazy about her and can not get enough of her. She on the other hand seems to be happy with sex 1-2 times per week unless she is on her period. She rejects my sexual advances regularly which always stings. Also, she is very squeemish when it comes to sex. She does not like foreplay, she does not like me to give her oral and rarely gives me oral and I LOVE both. Our sex is good but I often wish it was better. Sex and her lack of enthusiasm around sex has been a constant point of contention within our relationship. She has often told me that sex is something she loves but she is just not as horny as me and 3-5 times per month is plenty for her.

 

over the last couple years she has mentioned open relationships in passing but never said she was actually interested in one, but I always had this feeling that maybe she was interested in this lifestyle. Last week she finally came out and said it. She would like for me to consider an open relationship. She went on to say that her favorite candybar is kitkat and she loves eating kitkat's, but she does not want to eat kitkat every day. Sometimes she wants to eat a snickers or a hershey bar, but it does not mean she does not still love kitkats.

 

This completely blew me away. Not because I am 100% against the idea of an open relationship. My ex-wife and I spent a few years in the swinging lifestyle and we had a wonderful time. I was never jealous and I saw her with several men. The difference was that my ex-wife could not get enough of ME. I always felt 100% secure with her and her desire for me. I do not recall her ever rejecting my sexual advances. This made the lifestyle less threatening.

 

I find myself completely stressed out about the idea of this kind of lifestyle with my girlfriend. I can't even sleep. I have often felt undesired by her but always chalked it up to her having a lower libido, but now I realize that all this time she did like and want sex....just not with me.

 

 

I know I should not judge her for being open and honest about what her wants are but I am very hurt that she would even consider this at this point in our relationship. I not only am not open to sharing her with other men, I am now questioning whether or not I have wasted the last 3 years with this woman and perhaps we are just not a good fit. Feeling undesired sucks. I have never been an insecure person but it really weighs on you. Now this?

 

would love to hear some advice

[central]

What is her reason for wanting an open relationship? It sounds to me that she isn't that interested in sex with you, but wants it with someone else. Why is that? If that is the case (and you indicate that it may be), then you are better off splitting up and finding someone who is passionate about sex with you, who also is a good match in other ways. I would be wary in this situation, and hold off on any engagement until you understand (and agree) about the subject of sex within - and outside - your relationship.

[opentoconfusion]

She said she wants to hook up with guys she meets on tinder a couple times per month. Sex only. She is not even really interested in swinging, she wants the whole 1:1 date and seduction and promises that it would be only sexual one night stands with no emotional connection.

 

She says that she wants to feel free to flirt and hook up with a stranger she may meet at a bar if she is traveling for work. She thinks it is exciting.

 

I think she misses the excitement of flirting with and being seduced by strange men.

 

I flirt with her a lot and I try to seduce her all the time. I am quite romantic and attentive. I asked her what is missing with our sex life that she feels she must go outside to get it? She said that something is missing but she does not know what it is. When i proded her a bit she said that sometimes I don't listen to her and what she wants in bed. She said that sometimes I don't respect her boundaries and I push her to do things she does not like.

 

This is true, I may have pushed and disregarded some of her boundaries. She does not like to recieve oral and I try, She does not like me to really touch her vagina and I try. She does not like any kind of butt play and I have touched her anus while making love to her before. I have not done these things in quite awhile though.

 

I agreed to listen to her and help figure out what else is missing and I really will try to be more attentive to her needs, I just often don't know what they are because she does not exactly tell me what she wants but I will ask her more often and I will listen to her.

 

She said that an open relationship is not a deal killer for her. She knows that it freaked me out and so she backed off of it, but that bell can't be unrung for me. She is not happy with our sexlife, I don't know why, She wont tell me because she does not really know and she longs to be in someone else's arms.

 

I kind of feel like my life got turned a bit upside down by this

[ThreeRainbows]

In general, sex and love go hand in hand for a woman. I would be questioning her emotional connection to you.

 

 

You are doing awesome for attempting to repair what you've messed up. Problem is, she waited very long to become open and authentic with you. There has probably been a lot of emotional distancing in that time. Trust must be rebuilt, and that takes time. Good luck.

[dateme]

Give it a try.

[BaileyB]

She said she wants to hook up with guys she meets on tinder a couple times per month. Sex only. She is not even really interested in swinging, she wants the whole 1:1 date and seduction and promises that it would be only sexual one night stands with no emotional connection.

 

Full stop. She wants permission to cheat with guys she meets on Tinder?

 

I don't think so... If it was me, I would dump her so fast, she wouldn't even know what is happening.

 

In no way, would it be acceptable that she rejects your sexual advances while hooking up with strangers from Tinder. As they say, this girl's got balls...

 

This just seems really inconsistent with a woman who is limits frequency and is uncomfortable with sex, such that she does not like to give or receive oral sex. Something is definitely wrong with your emotional connection, reflected in your sex life. Or something is really wrong for her... something is going on here.

 

It begs the question, is there a specific guy she is after...

Edited July 29, 2018 by BaileyB

[OatsAndHall]

An open relationship is something that I'm just not comfortable with. An open relationship when there's issues between us would certainly be a deal-breaker for me. It appears as if you've made mistakes and broken some boundaries in the relationship but you've apologized and are trying to work at. If she is that emotionally detached from you because of those past experiences, then I feel splitting up is the answer, not an open relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

This will be the death knell for your relationship if you proceed with her plan, OP. And I say that someone who has also participated in some less-conventional scenarios in the past, similar to your own background, who is generally quite accepting of various bedroom lifestyles and preference.

 

The problem with this specific proposition is that she feels something is missing in your relationship, and her solution is to go looking outside the relationship to fulfill that. It's not as though this is a specific kink or fantasy and she wants to share with you. No, her idea is to totally exclude you from the equation and go on dates with other men. My suspicion is that she already has someone specific in mind.

 

Effectively, she is about to go shopping for your replacement. No way is this type of open relationship going to end well for you, my friend.

[Lorenza]

I'm confused. If she has that many boundaries and restrictions regarding sex, how come she wants to go and sex with strange men when there's clearly not gonna be enough time to communicate that to them? I mean all those strange men won't know or even care what she's comfortable and not comfortable with. If she's really that squeamish about those things, the mere thought of having sex with strangers should be just as uncomfortable. This is really weird.

[Art_Critic]

BF-GF, not husband and wife.. she just doesn't want to breakup.. feels comfortable with you but wants to be sexual with another...

 

Seems to me it is time to part ways, where do you think this is going to go in your future.. marriage ?

[mortensorchid]

She wants an open relationship because she's not happy with you and she wants freedom. Chances are she will do what you want to do with her that she keeps rejecting with someone else. Don't spend a lot of time trying to analyze why or why not. I for one do not buy the whole open relationship concept, one person always gets jealous of the other. I am not a prude by any means, but you have to just be wary and keep communication lines as open as possible.

 

You said you did some swinging when you were married to your ex wife. Not that it's my business, but I am guessing that you did this with mutual agreement to alleviate the boredom of being in a LTR. And that worked for you. I don't think that will work for you and her now because you're not happy with this.

 

I'd reconsider the set up. You really have to reconsider how you feel about this.

[smackie9]

My question is....why are you with someone that doesn't fulfill your sexual expectations? You had this issue with your ex and it didn't work out, what makes you think this relationship has it for the long haul...I think your feelings for her is making you very short sighted.

 

 

IMO you are settling, and that isn't fair for either of you. An open relationship isn't going to solve your problems, it's only going to cause distance between you two.

 

 

 

From what you have posted, she isn't saying she's not that into sex, she is saying she's not into having sex with you. She's with you for other reasons whether it's security, or financial, or companionship. Not someone you should be investing in. This is all wrong and you know it. I don't see it any other way.

[Purrrfect]

Her request is ridiculous and should be an absolute deal breaker. I don’t see the point in this open relationship nonsense. She basically is telling you she is not happy or satisfied with you and wants permission to cheat.

 

Your relationship is over. Face it. Do not propose to her. Please don’t be a schmuck and agree to this silliness in order to salvage this relationship.

 

Are you 2 living together? She is with you for other reasons and they are not god ones

 

It’s time to part ways now. For her to even suggest this should make you question everything.

 

Good luck. The sooner you end this the better.

Edited July 29, 2018 by Purrrfect

[Calmandfocused]

Op how you’re not fuming by this is beyond my comprehension.

It’s so disrespectful on many levels.

 

I won’t rehash won’t others have said, however just another couple of other things to consider:

 

Let’s say she does only have a sex drive 3-5 times a month and proceeds to have sex with strangers 3-5 times a month. What sex life are you left with? My caculations are 0. Doesn’t sound like a fun deal to me...

 

On the other flip of the coin, let say she does continue to have sex with you irregularly as well as sleeping with other guys- You think these guys won’t be touching her vagina/ bum and won’t be giving and receiving oral sex with her? Not a chance.

 

Op, there is nothing in this for you. You won’t gain anything and I’d strongly advise you to think very carefully before you propose marriage to someone who is only thinking about their own selfish needs.

[coolheadal]

She said she wants to hook up with guys she meets on tinder a couple times per month. Sex only. She is not even really interested in swinging, she wants the whole 1:1 date and seduction and promises that it would be only sexual one night stands with no emotional connection.

 

She says that she wants to feel free to flirt and hook up with a stranger she may meet at a bar if she is traveling for work. She thinks it is exciting.

 

I think she misses the excitement of flirting with and being seduced by strange men.

 

I flirt with her a lot and I try to seduce her all the time. I am quite romantic and attentive. I asked her what is missing with our sex life that she feels she must go outside to get it? She said that something is missing but she does not know what it is. When i proded her a bit she said that sometimes I don't listen to her and what she wants in bed. She said that sometimes I don't respect her boundaries and I push her to do things she does not like.

 

This is true, I may have pushed and disregarded some of her boundaries. She does not like to recieve oral and I try, She does not like me to really touch her vagina and I try. She does not like any kind of butt play and I have touched her anus while making love to her before. I have not done these things in quite awhile though.

 

I agreed to listen to her and help figure out what else is missing and I really will try to be more attentive to her needs, I just often don't know what they are because she does not exactly tell me what she wants but I will ask her more often and I will listen to her.

 

She said that an open relationship is not a deal killer for her. She knows that it freaked me out and so she backed off of it, but that bell can't be unrung for me. She is not happy with our sexlife, I don't know why, She wont tell me because she does not really know and she longs to be in someone else's arms.

 

I kind of feel like my life got turned a bit upside down by this

 

When I was reading your first post here I would say your had XSD and she had LSD, but now something is odd here. Are you saying she wants to flirt, tease, have sex with strange guys off tinder. She wants sex with other guys more than with you. Where in the heck did you meet this babe from? Loose one you got there and you question your sex life with her. She's into the thrill of causal sex instead of what you have to offer sex everyday not enough for her and you get sex 1 to 3 times a week if any?

 

She's not into you 100% no woman would ever utter those words "wants to be in another arms" are you serious you want this chick to be with you even as a wife. She wants to tease, flirt pick guys off tinder have causal sex with them and what do you get out of all this. Open door uterus to share with all the guys she wants in her while you get sloppy ends.

 

Not the sort of woman any single guy should want to be with you settle for this behavior something is wrong with you. So you were a swinger with your ex wife and now this chick you have going beyond that you don't want that with her either. No sharing hands off with other guys. But she told you want she wants and she'll do it without you know it.

[doyathinkso]

The way I see it, this girl is not the one for you.

[kendahke]

What we all think doesn't matter. It's what do YOU think?

 

 

Do you want an open relationship? If not, then it's time for the break up talk. She's telling you she wants to experience other men (perhaps men whose libido isn't as earnest as yours)... that means she's slowly checking out of your relationship. You can't go around sampling men thinking that the one you claim you love is going to wait, unless he's just that kind of dude. Since you posted this, I"m guessing you're not.

 

 

Like I said, it depends upon how good her best is for you and what would happen if you found someone who can match you now that she's pretty much unlocking and opening the gate to the yard?

[opentoconfusion]

I don’t know if this piece of information makes any difference or not but I am 49 years old and she is 28. So there is a bit of an age gap. It has never been a problem for us as we are both very fit professionals with successful careers and have a lot in common other than the sex part. Even the sex is amazing, just not as frequent as I would want. The oral and other stuff I could live without.

 

This woman has not cheated on me. She was just being open and honest about what her desires are. I do not like her desires and would never be able to give this to her of course; however, I can hardly be angry at her for having them.

 

I do feel a bit insecure now knowing that this is something that she would like to try, especially given her lack of intense passion and interest in sex over the past 3 years.

 

The other piece is that I love this woman very much and wish I could find a way to work through this and make things work between us.

[DKT3]

I don’t know if this piece of information makes any difference or not but I am 49 years old and she is 28. So there is a bit of an age gap. It has never been a problem for us as we are both very fit professionals with successful careers and have a lot in common other than the sex part. Even the sex is amazing, just not as frequent as I would want. The oral and other stuff I could live without.

 

This woman has not cheated on me. She was just being open and honest about what her desires are. I do not like her desires and would never be able to give this to her of course; however, I can hardly be angry at her for having them.

 

I do feel a bit insecure now knowing that this is something that she would like to try, especially given her lack of intense passion and interest in sex over the past 3 years.

 

The other piece is that I love this woman very much and wish I could find a way to work through this and make things work between us.

 

The thing is, she isn't being open and honest. Its fairly clear that she isn't sexually attracted to you, and she isn't honest about that. However, it could be that madonna whore complex thing were she fears showing you her true sexual self will change how you view her.

 

Really, the reason is irrelevant, she isn't honest so an open relationship will fail. It doesn't make sense that she would want sex with other men several times a month but only wants sex with you several times a month. So what she is saying is she wants sex but not with you. But that is not what her words are saying. How could a open relationship, which requires a very high level of openness in communication work when she isn't honest now? At 49 I would not waste another week with this woman. That's just me.

[anduina]

You're 49. Why waste more of your life on someone who isn't sexually attracted to you?

[burnt]

In 11 years you will be 60 and she will be 39.

 

How do you think she will view you and treat you?

 

For now, 21 year old age difference may not seem like a lot, but with how she sees you sexually, the distance will only grow bigger with time. Are you prepared to handle that?

 

Yes clearly you love her; but does she love you enough to stick around for the long haul with you, especially when you are reaching your 60s?

[kendahke]

In 11 years you will be 60 and she will be 39.

 

How do you think she will view you and treat you?

 

For now, 21 year old age difference may not seem like a lot, but with how she sees you sexually, the distance will only grow bigger with time. Are you prepared to handle that?

 

Yes clearly you love her; but does she love you enough to stick around for the long haul with you, especially when you are reaching your 60s?

 

 

^^^All. Of. This

[BaileyB]

Sure, she is being open and honest - she is telling you that she wants to sleep with other men, engaging in high risk behavior that could put your health at risk.

 

Is she going to be open and honest about how many men she sleeps with, when and where they are together, and what they do together? Do you want to know this information?

 

What she is not being honest about, she is not telling you that she is not attracted to you anymore. She clearly wants sex, just not with you. She is probably not going to tell you that she does things with other men that she won't do with you. She is probably not going to tell you that the age difference, and the different life stages, is likely having a profound affect on your relationship.

 

To each their own, but it doesn't sound like you are on board with this decision. I personally think ExpatinItaly hit the nail on the head... You have issues in your relationship - she is not attracted to you and you are not sexually compatable. If she follows through and decides to turn outside your relationship, it will do nothing to fix your problems. It will simply create a bunch of new problems...

[coolheadal]

I don’t know if this piece of information makes any difference or not but I am 49 years old and she is 28. So there is a bit of an age gap. It has never been a problem for us as we are both very fit professionals with successful careers and have a lot in common other than the sex part. Even the sex is amazing, just not as frequent as I would want. The oral and other stuff I could live without.

 

This woman has not cheated on me. She was just being open and honest about what her desires are. I do not like her desires and would never be able to give this to her of course; however, I can hardly be angry at her for having them.

 

I do feel a bit insecure now knowing that this is something that she would like to try, especially given her lack of intense passion and interest in sex over the past 3 years.

 

The other piece is that I love this woman very much and wish I could find a way to work through this and make things work between us.

 

Read my quote age doesn't matter here. Lucky you though! You go boy! But it comes at a price though.

 

She wants her age instead of you.

How do you act as 49 year old?

Do you act your age or do you act like you were in your 20's to 30's?

Do you look and feel like your 49 years old?

Do you let the grey out or hide it (color it!)?

How do you dress and carry yourself? Like 49 year old or modern look?

 

She's not honest with you she's just telling you what she wants and is doing behind your back. You need to make sure she's not cheating on you (emotionally verbiage by type-text) That's cheating.. Don't fool yourself into thinking this 28 year old woman won't do it on you.

[ThreeRainbows]

Let her go.

 

 

There are so many other women who would love to date you. Don't underestimate the value of inner beauty. She doesn't have to be 21 years younger to be amazing. Bonus: she will treat you better.