3 Dates: Is It Games or Self Protection?

[TunaInTheBrine]

I met a woman a week ago who, like me, says she is also looking for her life partner. I'm feeling confused by some of her behavior though.

 

We had our first kiss on our second date, and I thought it was magical. She really got into it hard, and then pulled away saying "that was too soon," and that she needed to go home and think.

 

We had a third date planned already, and I texted her after the second date to reinforce that I had a great time, but she stopped texting me back as soon as I said that she was a great kisser and it felt like another world. So, I gave her space and figured I'd see her for date #3.

 

For date #3, I texted her to say I was on my way, and she told me she was at home because she thought I would stand her up since I never confirmed earlier in the day. I was a bit surprised given that on our second date we talked about confirmation texts and I told her I do what I say I'll do so I don't do those or flake out. And I did hit her up after the last date to reinforce I had a great time.

 

She decided to come by and see me to make up for it, which was sweet. She apologized for her behavior and said, "I think we moved too fast. Let's be friends first and take it slow." And I would say, "friends doesn't work for me. I'm out to date, so we can date now, or you can take a break and hit me up later if you change your mind." One hour later, she jumped on top of me at my place and asked me to take her to my bedroom. I thought we were going to have sex, but then she put the brakes on just like our second date and said, "I've got to go home and think." She wouldn't let me walk her to her bike and left.

 

The way I left it with her was to just hit me up if she wants to see me again. But I'm feeling a little skeptical of her now. I was really put off by her standing me up for our third date, and I feel like I'm being taken for a ride with all the great physical intimacy and then switching to "I got to think about this."

 

She says she wants her life partner, but I'm confused. Is she just being shy and trying to protect herself here, or is she playing games?

[Gaeta]

She's lying to herself.

 

 

 

She thinks she wants to date and find a life partner but she's far from being ready. How long has she been single? She acts like a scared deer, she has issues to solve before being able to date properly.

 

 

 

Very good move to tell her you're not out to make friends but to date.

 

 

 

I think she will be a big waste of your time. I would move on if I were you.

[TunaInTheBrine]

She's lying to herself. She thinks she wants to date and find a life partner but she's far from being ready. How long has she been single? She acts like a scared deer, she has issues to solve before being able to date properly.

 

I don't know how long she's been single, but I do know she only started dating a few years ago (she is mid-thirties and foreign born with a traditional upbringing).

 

She's apparently been misled by a guy or two before, so I think she's a bit guarded too. She kept showing signs she was suspicious of my sincerity in being interested in her genuinely. Examples: thinking my not sending a confirmation text was evidence I would stand her up, thinking I'm "too good of a catch" to be single, and she thinks I always say the perfect things at the perfect time.

 

 

Very good move to tell her you're not out to make friends but to date.

 

I think she will be a big waste of your time. I would move on if I were you.

 

I agree it was a good move on my part to put that boundary in place with her around dating. I would like to see where things go with her, but I do worry that you're right about her not being ready for a life partner. She's acting like a scared deer indeed.

[Gaeta]

I don't know how long she's been single, but I do know she only started dating a few years ago (she is mid-thirties and foreign born with a traditional upbringing).

She lives on her own or with her parents? What are the chances she hasn't lost her virginity yet?

 

She's apparently been misled by a guy or two before, so I think she's a bit guarded too. She kept showing signs she was suspicious of my sincerity in being interested in her genuinely. Examples: thinking my not sending a confirmation text was evidence I would stand her up, thinking I'm "too good of a catch" to be single, and she thinks I always say the perfect things at the perfect time.

It would have been better to send her a confirmation text. In general women prefer that, if we hear nothing out of you between dates it doesn't give us a good vibe. I am glad she still decided to go meet you. She sounds like a woman assuming men are bad. Could be cultural? being told by an over protective mother that men are bad and only want one thing.

[coolheadal]

<snip>

 

She decided to come by and see me to make up for it, which was sweet. She apologized for her behavior and said, "I think we moved too fast. Let's be friends first and take it slow." And I would say, "friends doesn't work for me. I'm out to date, so we can date now, or you can take a break and hit me up later if you change your mind." One hour later, she jumped on top of me at my place and asked me to take her to my bedroom. I thought we were going to have sex, but then she put the brakes on just like our second date and said, "I've got to go home and think." She wouldn't let me walk her to her bike and left.

 

The way I left it with her was to just hit me up if she wants to see me again. But I'm feeling a little skeptical of her now. I was really put off by her standing me up for our third date, and I feel like I'm being taken for a ride with all the great physical intimacy and then switching to "I got to think about this."

 

She says she wants her life partner, but I'm confused. Is she just being shy and trying to protect herself here, or is she playing games?

 

Hmmm?

 

Best way to handle her is like this:

 

Listen I understand what you want but I am looking for a serious woman who want to learn and grow with me. I am not looking to be your friend only. I am not looking to take to it slow either. I am only interested in dating you. If your not ready to do so? Well tell me now or when you feel your up for it and if I am still available to date you just let me know. Otherwise I will start dating others ASAP.

 

Have a nice life...

 

That's what you tell her because she's playing games and really isn't ready to date or take it serious with anyone including you. When they act like she is doing you should push her away. Tell her your taking her back to where she came from. Say sorry this is not working out for me and you. Goodbye

Edited July 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[TunaInTheBrine]

She lives on her own or with her parents? What are the chances she hasn't lost her virginity yet?

 

It would have been better to send her a confirmation text. In general women prefer that, if we hear nothing out of you between dates it doesn't give us a good vibe. I am glad she still decided to go meet you. She sounds like a woman assuming men are bad. Could be cultural? being told by an over protective mother that men are bad and only want one thing.

 

Lives on her own and successful. Not a virgin. She did say a few years ago she played the field when she started dating.

 

The thing is, I did text her after the second date. She was the one who stopped responding because I mentioned kissing. I didn't say any more to respect her space, but it wound up backfiring since I didn't send her a confirmation text.

[Gaeta]

The thing is, I did text her after the second date. She was the one who stopped responding because I mentioned kissing. I didn't say any more to respect her space, but it wound up backfiring since I didn't send her a confirmation text.

 

It did not really backfire because she did agree to go meet you, she even followed you home and jumped on you. If she was an emotionally stable woman things would have picked up from there and you'd go on your 4th date. The way she ran away it's like you're her very first kiss and she doesn't know what to do with the attraction she is feeling for you.

 

If she wants a guarantee you won't play her there is none. Dating is a risk-taking game.

 

What will you do if she contacts you again?

[Normm]

She's interested, confused, and just about ready to jump into bed with you.

 

She says "I want to take it slow".

 

Best response would have been "That's fine, take your time, let's see how things go". Then you continue to date her and others and let things develop as they might. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

 

Worst response ever: (Paraphrasing your response) "I'm not looking to be friends, it's now or never".

 

You put way too much pressure on a woman that probably would have come around and been a nice girlfriend (possible emotional instability not withstanding) who would have been more than willing to jump into bed with you sometime in the next week or two tops.

[TunaInTheBrine]

What will you do if she contacts you again?

 

Good question. I don't know exactly, but I do know that I'm serious about finding someone, that I like her, and that if this keeps up much longer then I'm not going to feel comfortable dating her and I will resume my search.

[brigit87]

She's interested, confused, and just about ready to jump into bed with you.

 

She says "I want to take it slow".

 

Best response would have been "That's fine, take your time, let's see how things go". Then you continue to date her and others and let things develop as they might. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

 

Worst response ever: (Paraphrasing your response) "I'm not looking to be friends, it's now or never".

 

You put way too much pressure on a woman that probably would have come around and been a nice girlfriend (possible emotional instability not withstanding) who would have been more than willing to jump into bed with you sometime in the next week or two tops.

 

This sounds about right.

 

OP I don't think she's playing games. Plus, I don't think she should sleep with you so fast. She has a traditional upbringing and was taught to wait. Men like it when you wait (they say they don't but they do.)

[coolheadal]

Good question. I don't know exactly, but I do know that I'm serious about finding someone, that I like her, and that if this keeps up much longer then I'm not going to feel comfortable dating her and I will resume my search.

 

There is a mental issue in play here with her. But you sound like you want her so that's up to you to decide. We all here can recommend suggestions but it's your final call. Games or not she's the one to decide what she wants. Only if you really knows what she wants. Doesn't sound like she does. When she suggested to be friends only that's what she wanted. You up the ante causing her to rethink her action. She just sounds like she just looking for fun time or just hanging out. Not casual sex just having a good time. You want more just have to wing-it or stand-it with her! But for how long will you hold out and wait?

[Gretchen12]

You need to put the brakes on the sex stuff. She tests how far you'll go. And up to now you'll go as far as she's willing (as many men are like that, but varies a lot by culture). Instead, next time you tell her to stop. Some women also don't like men who are too easy.

[smackie9]

Stop letting her take the lead. She's being indecisive for whatever reason, so just tell her no (I know it's hard to) and say I want to get to know you better before we are sure to take it to the next level. I think she needs or wants to hear that...to get better control over the situation. If it works then great, if not, kick her off to the side.

 

 

 

If you don't like this obstacle course she has you on, then stop seeing her all together.

[Gaeta]

Good question. I don't know exactly, but I do know that I'm serious about finding someone, that I like her, and that if this keeps up much longer then I'm not going to feel comfortable dating her and I will resume my search.

 

 

How old is everyone involved?

 

 

 

If you had slept with her you would have found yourself in an instant relationship and having dinner with her parents the following weekend. You need to play this smart. If you want to give her a chance then 'date' her out of your home or hers. Giving this another month isn't going to interfere with your plan for serious dating.

[TunaInTheBrine]

How old is everyone involved?

 

 

 

If you had slept with her you would have found yourself in an instant relationship and having dinner with her parents the following weekend. You need to play this smart. If you want to give her a chance then 'date' her out of your home or hers. Giving this another month isn't going to interfere with your plan for serious dating.

 

Mid thirties. And yes, you have a point about dates outside the home.

[Ruby Slippers]

She wants you but knows she needs to get to know you better before getting physical and is struggling with a conflict between her body and mind.

 

I think the best thing you can do if you continue talking and seeing her is be lightly flirtatious, but go neutral if she gets skittish. This self-restraint and relaxed confidence in a man are irresistible.

[anduina]

she needed to go home and think.

 

"I've got to go home and think."

This turn of phrase makes her sound like an emotional teenager.

[Shining One]

Men like it when you wait (they say they don't but they do.)

I can't think of a single instance in which I enjoyed waiting.

[act00]

I have to agree that physically she wants it and emotionally/mentally she knows she needs to take it slower...it's a struggle between body and mind, but she's scurrying off and "needing to "think," and it seems she's not really prepared to truly pursue something serious. I don't know if I would want to stick around for someone who runs so hot and cold. Friends? No. I agree it was good that you told her you're interested in a relationship and not a friendship. Pick one.

 

You may need to take things at a slower pace. Self-limit by avoiding your place or hers, go out in public. If you do end up at your place or hers...this is the hard part...clothes stay on and stay away from the bedroom. But I suspect there's just no win. She could be raring to go and ready, and you put the brakes on to honor her need to take things slower, and she will take this as a sign of rejection and this will blow up in your face as well. A little bit too skittish and she doesn't know what she wants. It may be worth seeing her a little longer and see how things go, but TBH, if she continuously scurries off like a frightened animal, she's not ready.

[ChatroomHero]

So the thing is you know the score. If dates 4, 5, 6... happen, you won't be surprised when she does the same things again. The frustrating part will be the "reasons" you get for her cancelling...like you confirm the day of the date because she told you that time she didn't think you were coming because you didn't confirm, but she'll cancel with the reason her phone broke or she didn't get your text...You'll make plans and then she will go radio silence until just after she avoids your planned meet up time.

 

 

She will continue to push and pull. If you are like me, that gets frustrating very quickly. At times I'll take it for what it is and not really expect much, most times I just bail. I make exceptions for someone like a single mom to an extent as I know situations come up, but when you talk to them all week and set a date to go out and their kid always has some crazy new practice that so and so was supposed to take them to and cancelled and it happens frequently and usually last minute or the day of...yet you see on their social media pictures of all the nights out with friends that never ever seem to have these crazy last minute cancellations, it gets old.

 

 

So either except give it time to see if it is just her reservations about you and dating that will subside over time or move on. After a couple of dates where she did meet actually meet up, I would give her time but expect the same behavior for a while.

[Juha]

She seems like a whole lot of drama, I would not bother with her anymore.

 

You will just waste your time and emotional energy with this woman.

 

Something is off/wrong with her, not your job to fix or deal with making her right.

[Gaeta]

Mid thirties. And yes, you have a point about dates outside the home.

 

 

Do you think this is normal behavior for a woman in her mid 30s? I think it's pretty juvenile behavior for a woman her age. Sure she can be uneasy, even afraid but emotionally mature women don't push a man into bed and then run away...on their bike.

[glows]

She said in her own words that she's not ready to move too fast and yet you both are making plans to meet up at each others' places. That's the bizarre thing to me. Why would you go along with that and expect there not to be a blooper of some sort? You're not reading her cues properly and she's ....whatever the hell she is. If you want it to progress and if you really do care about her, LISTEN and next time go out on a date to somewhere neutral. Spend more time talking more about other topics also and not just about sex or sexual topics or over the top flirting/suggestive talk.

[BaileyB]

Do you think this is normal behavior for a woman in her mid 30s? I think it's pretty juvenile behavior for a woman her age. Sure she can be uneasy, even afraid but emotionally mature women don't push a man into bed and then run away...on their bike.

 

It could be normal behavior for a woman in her mid 30's, if she has no experience or if she was raised in a strict, traditional family where premarital sex is not encouraged.

 

You want to find a woman for a long term relationship. Sex is important to you OP. This may not be your woman... If you like her, give her a little more time. But, unless she becomes more consistent and let's her guard down... You would be wise to move on. Something is not right here.

[kendahke]

Do you think this is normal behavior for a woman in her mid 30s? I think it's pretty juvenile behavior for a woman her age. Sure she can be uneasy, even afraid but emotionally mature women don't push a man into bed and then run away...on their bike.

 

I agree. I learned a long time ago not to play with grown men.

 

I'm sorry, but a woman in her mid 30's who has to ride her bike home and think after she's jumped into his lap to kiss and cuddle is playing silly girl games.

 

I'd just set her adrift. If she gets back to you talking that friend mess (when you're not interested in being her friend), I'd check her at the door. Unless you want to be her male girlfriend/emotional tampon, be her friend and do not do anything sexual/sensual with her. I know I don't kiss my friends like I would a lover. Otherwise, if you want to be her man, then stick to that and don't let her interrupt your search for someone who is ready for what you want and is willing to meet you on that path. This chick isn't.