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Is this emotional abuse? Ending it was the right thing?


TidyDancer

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I met a guy in December. I’m 38 and he’s 11 years older than me. He’s been married before and has grown up children. At first it all seemed great and he said he fell for me very quickly and was the first one to say I love you.

 

Then one day he suddenly became very negative about the relationship and said that although he finds me beautiful he can’t see us getting married and he thought I’m going to go off with someone else . We broke up for a month and then he begged me to see him again because he apparently missed me. I relented.

 

The relationship took the same course as before with me ending up hurt again by the horrible things he says like ‘I just can’t imagine wanting to meet you from the airport with a bunch of flowers when you’ve been on holiday’ or he wants me out of his life so he can find someone else. Or he can’t imagine living with me. Or he wouldn’t like the idea of us being together in a years time.

 

But the thing is, he is always the one contacting me and he is the one buying me lovely presents and going out of his way to do things for me & plan weekends away together etc.

 

What is wrong with him? Today I decided I’m sick of being made to feel like **** basically so I’ve told him it’s over.

 

He has an autoimmune illness. Could this be affecting his behaviour? I’ve just never come across someone with such mismatched words and actions in my life. Today I realised that his behaviour had killed my feelings anyway. He has been crying about the fact I ended the relationship and wants to meet up. I now have no interest any more. He says he doesn’t realise until later how mean his words are. I think this is a lie.

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OatsAndHall
I met a guy in December. I’m 38 and he’s 11 years older than me. He’s been married before and has grown up children. At first it all seemed great and he said he fell for me very quickly and was the first one to say I love you.

 

Then one day he suddenly became very negative about the relationship and said that although he finds me beautiful he can’t see us getting married and he thought I’m going to go off with someone else . We broke up for a month and then he begged me to see him again because he apparently missed me. I relented.

 

The relationship took the same course as before with me ending up hurt again by the horrible things he says like ‘I just can’t imagine wanting to meet you from the airport with a bunch of flowers when you’ve been on holiday’ or he wants me out of his life so he can find someone else. Or he can’t imagine living with me. Or he wouldn’t like the idea of us being together in a years time.

 

But the thing is, he is always the one contacting me and he is the one buying me lovely presents and going out of his way to do things for me & plan weekends away together etc.

 

What is wrong with him? Today I decided I’m sick of being made to feel like **** basically so I’ve told him it’s over.

 

He has an autoimmune illness. Could this be affecting his behaviour? I’ve just never come across someone with such mismatched words and actions in my life. Today I realised that his behaviour had killed my feelings anyway. He has been crying about the fact I ended the relationship and wants to meet up. I now have no interest any more. He says he doesn’t realise until later how mean his words are. I think this is a lie.

 

 

No, I wouldn't qualify this as emotional abuse; the guy is just an unstable tool.

 

 

 

My ex-wife has MS and it made married life difficult in more ways than I care to describe. But, one of the biggest issues I had was the constant roller coaster of emotions that came with her getting on and off of various medications to handle her tremors, pain and exhaustion. Many of these medications had a long list of psychiatric side effects while on them and an even longer list of withdrawal side affects when coming off. But, I would always tell her that the medications may have explained her behavior but they didn't excuse them. It was up to her to recognize that the meds were affecting her mood and keep herself in check.

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Lotsgoingon

If he says horrible things to you, then in my view, you're on solid ground calling that abuse ... Or you can just call it horrible treatment.

 

Either way, calling you bad names is an immediate firing offense. Why would you go back with someone who showed he could treat you horribly in the first place? People don't accidentally call someone horrible names. So if someone does that, then you need to understand that this shows something deep into their personality ...

 

About his condition: if a disease or condition is causing someone to treat us poor, it's THEIR responsibility to figure that out, investigate it, get treated and own how to how their condition is affecting the relationship. It's not your job to give him a pass because he has some condition. Your job is to insist on a standard of good treatment. If something interferes with his ability to do that, then that's his job to attend to ... if he wants to stay with you.

 

You write that he contacts you after split ... and buys you presents ... as if to say ... that these actions balance out his horrible treatment. They don't. Or as if to say these actions show he cares. Again, they show no such thing.

 

Buying people presents, in the absence of good consistent treatment, is meaningless. I bought presents for the women I did not feel close to ... because they were mad at me (usually for good reason) for one reason or another ... if I wanted to string them along, delay them from breaking up with me (confession--not bragging), guess what: I would buy them presents.

 

Never be fooled by presents. The best relationships of my life--and that includes love relationships and friendships--had nothing to do with buying someone big presents ... and everything to do with how much joy it was to spend time with these people ... and good about myself I felt after spending time with these people.

 

Think about it: do you love your mom or dad because of "presents" they gave you? Or because they gave you the gift of their consistent love and attention day in and day out?

 

And recontacting you after a break also means nothing ...Most likely another woman has dumped him in the meantime or he has had no success in pursuing another victim. Don't take his reapproaching you as some sign of deep interest or that he has changed.

 

He just likes jerking you around ... because ... you have until now ... always come back to him despite his treatment.

 

Stay far away.

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But the thing is, he is always the one contacting me
Let me fix this sentence for you: "But the thing is I won't block a man who is being emotionally abusive". And that is exactly how he's being. He's mind effing you.

 

You are playing along with him. Question is why? What are you getting out of "relenting" to someone who says this mess to you? Is his discounting of your esteem true? If it isn't, then why does he get repeated passes to keep doing this?

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It's abuse if you feel abused. If a man said those things (actually would be singular) to me, I wouldn't let it slide. My first reaction if a bf said that, is maybe he's insecure or hurt by something that happened. So I'd be understanding but push him to tell me where he's coming from. I would not let that remark go without getting to the bottom of it. He needs to open up, confess his insecurities, then apologize and retract his statement.

Some people have a convoluted way of opening a topic for discussion. I believe it's learned from childhood. When he needs something from you, instead of simply asking, he attacks or shocks you to get your attention. If you don't address it, he escalates.

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mortensorchid

He is unstable, to be sure. WHat he's doing is trying to get you interested and then he likes disappointing you. And you seem to be falling for it. Repeatedly. Was just talking about something like this with bipolar / BPD people this evening that I had known. Granted these were two women that I knew who were both bipolar / BPD, but they knew how to work what they had, went through people like Kleenex, and then got rid of them.

 

Like these two mentioned, they (as well as this guy) reach a certain limit with others until they say no once and for all and wash their hands of them. Which you need to do.

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He says horrible things like he wants me out of his life so he can find someone else.

 

What is wrong with him?

 

He has been crying about the fact I ended the relationship and wants to meet up. He says he doesn’t realise until later how mean his words are.

 

What's wrong with him? No, the question you should be asking is why did you put up with this behavior for so long...

 

Any man who tells me that he wants me out of his life so he can find someone else will find that I am... out of his life, thus making him very available to meet someone else!

 

This is the natural consequence for saying such terrible things to the woman he is dating. He can put his tears away, I find it hard to believe that he has lived almost a half a century and not learned that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and has consequences...

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Thank you for your responses. I definitely don’t think that buying me presents balances out his bad treatment, far from it actually. But I’m just trying to illustrate how all over the place he is with me.

 

I’m not going to go back to him this time. He comes up with these excuses like ‘oh I’m so sorry, you should never doubt my affection for you I’m just so mixed up at the moment’

 

He also constantly goes around telling anyone who will listen about how he is an empath which i find hilarious in the circumstances.

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I call it emotional abuse. This is something that wouldn't change....you could date weeks, months, years, get married...there would always be something to undermine your psyche, a judgement, a criticism...something you have to change to make it better, but then there's always something else.

 

This guy is just cruel. He can't see you together long-term, can't picture meeting you at the airport with flowers, wants to meet someone else...then derails you with some attention and gifts. You've stuck around longer than you should because these acts of cruelty have been peppered with acts of love, and even though this "should be" black and white, it has left you confused with maybe's, so you've given it another chance, and another.

 

Agree, it's time to stop. No matter how sweet he is, you took him back the first time and it ended with the same results as the first. He is a jerk, and if he wants to meet someone else, you are giving him that freedom. If he can't see himself marrying you or long-term, or even so much as picking you up from the airport, you aren't going to waste your time. I mean, you know this -- why are you going to pursue someone who holds you in such little esteem and then outright insults you and makes it known you are easily tossed out with the trash?

 

Good riddance.

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He is unstable, to be sure. WHat he's doing is trying to get you interested and then he likes disappointing you. And you seem to be falling for it. Repeatedly. Was just talking about something like this with bipolar / BPD people this evening that I had known. Granted these were two women that I knew who were both bipolar / BPD, but they knew how to work what they had, went through people like Kleenex, and then got rid of them.

 

Like these two mentioned, they (as well as this guy) reach a certain limit with others until they say no once and for all and wash their hands of them. Which you need to do.

 

Are you saying that you know two women who both have formally diagnosed co-morbid bipolar and BPD?

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Versacehottie

Someone may have said this because I didn't read all the responses but:

 

I would worry less about defining what his behavior is and just worry about deciding what you want/need to do.

 

It sounds like the way you two interact doesn't make you feel good and maybe that's all you need to know. It's valuable feedback.

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He has now sent this letter;

 

‘Hope you're ok. I think you've blocked me out on whatsapp and I guess it's only what I deserve, I apologise for not letting you in properly and holding back over the last months. I really think it was a mistake and I should have opened up to you as I know in the early stages I fell for you but got scared as wanted a break from relationships to sort myself out.

 

I was messaging to see if you're ok and to wish you a good day. If you don't want me to contact you or see you ever again please just let me know and although I'd be very sad if that's the case, I would totally respect your wishes . ‘?

 

Nothing he says or does will sway me now. I have reached the very limit of what I will put up with. How funny that he wants confirmation that I don’t want to speak to him when I’ve blocked him.

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Nothing he says or does will sway me now. I have reached the very limit of what I will put up with. How funny that he wants confirmation that I don’t want to speak to him when I’ve blocked him.

 

 

Don't fall for it, it's only a trick to make you speak to him. If you message him anything he'll use it to debate your decision. Block him on every facets and move on.

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Don't fall for it, it's only a trick to make you speak to him. If you message him anything he'll use it to debate your decision. Block him on every facets and move on.

 

Yes, you’re so right. I should never have taken him back the first time.

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