3 dates in, already lying to her :/

[Sbla22]

Hi all, 26 year old male here. Been on 3 dates with a woman I met online and it's going well, really like her and I think she likes me.

 

Here's the problem. I have been signed off work for the last 2 and a half weeks with work related anxiety. I'm a teacher. Not going to go into it but it's been a stressful year at work and the final nail in the coffin was that I was shouted at and undermined by a manager instead of being supported. The school I work in are placing me on an action plan which I need to pass or they could eventually terminate my contract.

 

After this week I was meant to be off work anyway for my 6 week summer break but in September I will be going back, even though it's going to be very difficult.

 

The problem is I met this woman only 10 days ago and I have been lying to her and pretended I had been in work even though I was signed off. I figured telling a woman I just met all of that might be too much.

 

Now although this isn't an issue now - if things progress further, I'm going to have to tell her the truth I think.

 

Would you be angry that I lied when first started dating you?

 

Even if the worst happens and the school try and get rid of me I'm confident of getting a job in another school anyway so it's not that I am misleading this woman into thinking I have a good stable job only to be unemployed later down the line. It's just I feel a bit embarrassed and awkward about the whole thing!

[BaileyB]

Let me begin by saying that I'm all for honesty. This is my opinion, for what it's worth. I'm sure others will have other opinions...

 

But, why would you need to tell her? You are now off for summer vacation, and you will be going back to work in September. Does she need to know that you have been off for a few weeks this spring? I'm not sure.

 

I would be more honest with her to tell that you have had a difficult time and you work in a stressful workplace. She can then be more understanding and supportive in the fall, if you return to work and things are not good.

 

The bigger question, in my humble opinion, is why are you going back to this workplace? Is this something that you can change with some hard work and/or better coping skills or is there a toxic culture in the workplace? If it is the later, I would maybe consider looking for another job, if possible... Best wishes.

[normal person]

I figured telling a woman I just met all of that might be too much.

 

Yeah, because it probably is. But you should've done it, or told her ahead of time, or not met her. You didn't do any of those things, and you're acting like you didn't even have the option to.

 

The statement should be making is "I don't want to lie to her, so I'll tell her the truth and see if she's interested," not

 

"She won't go out with me if I tell her the truth, so I'll lie."

 

You act like you're perfectly justified in going out with her in the first place. Which you're not if you lie. Even if you lie by omission about something salient.

 

Now although this isn't an issue now - if things progress further, I'm going to have to tell her the truth I think.

 

You think? Yes, you definitely are going to have to tell her.

 

Would you be angry that I lied when first started dating you?

 

If it were me, you've been wasting my time and most likely my money because you don't feel compelled to tell me the truth. You're preventing me from using my time and money for more beneficial means. Yes, I'd be livid.

 

Even if the worst happens and the school try and get rid of me I'm confident of getting a job in another school anyway so it's not that I am misleading this woman into thinking I have a good stable job only to be unemployed later down the line. It's just I feel a bit embarrassed and awkward about the whole thing!

 

What if you don't? Or what if the same thing happens there?

 

In my opinion, you should really solve your personal issues before you start dating and those issues start compounding themselves on top of each other. That will make your life (and your potential partners') much easier to manage.

 

Best of luck.

[BaileyB]

You act like you're perfectly justified in going out with her in the first place. Which you're not if you lie. Even if you lie by omission about something salient.

 

If it were me, you've been wasting my time and most likely my money because you don't feel compelled to tell me the truth. You're preventing me from using my time and money for more beneficial means. Yes, I'd be livid.

 

In my opinion, you should really solve your personal issues before you start dating.

 

To each their own, but that is harsh.

 

Surely, not everyone who dates has all their "personal issues" solved before they go online...

 

He doesn't know this woman. He doesn't know if he's even going to get a second date with this woman. Why would he have to disclose something so very personal on the first date? I wouldn't. But, I also wouldn't have lied about the going to work - it's not a good plan, because now you have a different problem.

 

The guy is still employed, he's on vacation and going back to work next fall. It's not like he's hiding the fact that he's homeless and addicted to drugs. He is employed, but struggling with anxiety and learning how to manage the stress of his workplace. There is nothing wrong with that.

[alphamale]

there is nothing wrong with lying to chicks about this sort of stuff. i'm sure everything will sort itself out for you

[BaileyB]

If you like this girl OP and you want to put things right, I would suggest that you have a conversation with her that goes something along the line of...

 

"There was something I wasn't sure how to tell you when we first met but I want to tell you now... I have actually been off work for the past two weeks because my work is stressful and I was having some difficulty with anxiety. I have used this time to seek assistance - to learn to manage the anxiety and develop coping skills. I will be going back to work this fall. I'm sorry, I should have been honest and I will be nothing but honest with you in the future."

 

I would hope that she would be understanding. I hope it works out for you.

[SevenCity]

there is nothing wrong with lying to chicks about this sort of stuff. i'm sure everything will sort itself out for you

 

Agreed. Either she will like you and it won’t be an issue, or she won’t and it won’t be an issue because you will stop seeing her.

[mortensorchid]

I am also a teacher. I feel you pain.

 

That aside, just let this slide with her. Do your anger management or whatever it is and move onto other things as they should jobwise.

[act00]

Honestly, I don't think it would bother me that you didn't share major life struggles with me as a brand new date or relationship. You don't plop certain things in a new person's lap, and if six weeks from now I learned about some trials, I would be understanding.

 

That said, unemployment is a pretty big deal, and having to take a leave of absence over anxiety and potential discipline is also a pretty big deal, and while I would understand you not springing major issues on me as a new relationship, I don't know if I would stick around for the instability. Profound anxiety is not something I wish to take on, let alone the instability of stable, gainful employment as a result.

 

I might also be a little mad that you not only have anxiety that precludes you from working, your employment is precarious...why are you dating?

 

It was probably a mistake to get involved with someone when your life is on such shaky ground. I'm sure many of us have been through something similar, however, in that situations overlap in such a way that you get one thing started just as the other is unraveling...and you feel that things will normalize, so you pursue and persevere. I understand your need to keep things minimal, but also to be honest about your circumstances. You have summer break to fall back on, and if you expect to go back to work and maintain employment in the fall, great...keep on. However, having to take a leave of absence over high anxiety is not the best place and I don't really know where to go with that, or if you should continue on with this woman. You can let her in on some of the difficulties, and if she has no desire to stick around, you have to accept it.

 

On that same note, don't string her along if you're not in a position to pursue something serious.

 

I've just found myself in a gnarly situation, and as a result, my desire to fully immerse myself in the dating pool has been put on hold; however, if some random dude popped up into the picture, and there was some potential there, some sparks, Prince Charming? I don't know...let him know life is just a sh** bucket right now, but if you're up for drinks?? My situation is temporary and new enough, I don't know how things are going to play out next week or next month. Take on a couple dates, see how things go with him and with life?

 

I guess the bottom line is, as you get to know her, you'll let her in on your world and she'll let you in on hers, and you go from there.

 

Please work on finding another school and working on your anxiety issues.

[normal person]

To each their own, but that is harsh.

 

To each their own, yes. But some peoples' time is more valuable than others. Some people won't entertain dating a guy whose job is in peril. Where I'm from, that'd be an instant goodbye. The world is full of people who can hold a job without issue. That's the reason OP feels so guilty -- he knows that withholding this information could very well be a source of contention.

 

Last year my gf's friend starting dating a guy who just graduated from a very good law school. Since he graduated in the winter semester, the firm he had a job lined up with wouldn't hire him as an associate until the next cycle of graduates from the spring also graduated. So here we have a guy who has very high earning potential who just has to wait 3-4 months before he starts his prestigious, high paying job, and the girl was very hesitant about dating him because he would be doing paralegal work in the meantime and wouldn't be working as a lawyer for a few months. Life is short and things move fast. Lots of people don't have time or patience to wait around for potential suitors who aren't keeping pace or haven't figured things out yet. Granted, OP's girl might not be one of these people, but if she is, OP is likely crossing a line by omitting this sort of thing.

 

 

Surely, not everyone who dates has all their "personal issues" solved before they go online...

 

True. No one is perfect. But that doesn't mean it's ok to omit or lie about things that a partner would definitely want to know. When evaluating potential partners, we don't give people a pass for whatever shortcoming they have just because it's nice. That's like expecting someone to overlook a potential partner's weight because they haven't solved their weight issues "yet." If that was ok, we'd all be perfect on paper on the presumption that we just haven't solved our issues "yet." What it comes back to is, as I mentioned above, the value of peoples' time. Is the person we're trying to date willing to give us the time to improve these things, or are they going to want to move onto the next person who has these things figured out already? That's why OP is in this situation -- he knows this and doesn't want to chance it.

 

He doesn't know this woman. He doesn't know if he's even going to get a second date with this woman. Why would he have to disclose something so very personal on the first date? I wouldn't.

 

He's been out with her three times. If he insists on going out with her (I wouldn't have gone out with her in the first place until I had all my issues sorted out), why not just mention it the first time and see if she has issue with it? If she does, fine, move onto the next who hopefully won't. They're doing each other a favor. Until then, he's just digging himself and her into a deeper hole.

 

The guy is still employed, he's on vacation and going back to work next fall. It's not like he's hiding the fact that he's homeless and addicted to drugs. He is employed, but struggling with anxiety and learning how to manage the stress of his workplace. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

There's nothing "wrong," with that, but that's not the issue. The withholding of it is. Also, this is a different topic, but I'm pretty sure she'd want to know that OP is having a hard time handling the stresses of the workplace too. Not that these are things to judge, but they're things that really should be considered. If I was on a date with a girl whose job was in peril because she couldn't handle stress, I'd want to know immediately and would be pretty annoyed that she didn't tell me beforehand. Not on the second, third, or fourth date. It might not be a red flag for you, but it would be for a lot of people. Someone's job security, earning potential, and fragility are things a scrupulous woman would screen for and want to know about.

[Gaeta]

Tell her you are off for the summer from next Monday. No, you don't need to share your situation at this moment, she's a stranger still. You may not even have a 4th or 5th date with her. I think it's no ones business at this point. You are employed, you have a revenue coming in, and if things don't get together when you go back then you'll look for another job. In September if things don't get solved just tell her you're job has been too stressful and you don't get along with administration so you prefer changing school.

 

This is dating, not confession.

 

While dating my ex-boyfriend I went through a very stressful law suit and I never said a word to him. We ended up dating only 6 months. This is not the type of things you share with someone you 'date', this is stuff for serious relationship when both are in it together for the long run.

[Gaeta]

To each their own, yes. But some peoples' time is more valuable than others. Some people won't entertain dating a guy whose job is in peril.

We're not in 1975 anymore when people worked 30-40 years at the same job. Nowadays people change job and it doesn't mean they 'can't hold one'. Back in the days we stayed in a job even if it was going to kill us, the younger generation isn't willing to do that anymore.

 

 

True. No one is perfect. But that doesn't mean it's ok to omit or lie about things that a partner would definitely want to know.

She is not a partner, she is not even a girlfriend, she is just a woman he went on 3 dates with, he does not owe her any gut-ripping-confession.

 

 

 

When I met my boyfriend 2,5 years ago he lost his job about 4 weeks later. If I had listenned to you then I've have dropped him because I should have assumed he's a lazy arse? Turns out he found another full time job, he registered full time to night course, and he worked full time and study full time for 2 years straight. He is the most hard working goal oriented man I have ever come across. I am glad I was slow to judge him and instead of assuming he can't hold a job I simply observed and made my own conclusion.

Edited July 19, 2018 by Gaeta

[BaileyB]

He's been out with her three times.

 

If I was on a date with a girl whose job was in peril because she couldn't handle stress, I'd want to know immediately and would be pretty annoyed that she didn't tell me beforehand. Not on the second, third, or fourth date. It might not be a red flag for you, but it would be for a lot of people. Someone's job security, earning potential, and fragility are things a scrupulous woman would screen for and want to know about.

 

My friend, I certainly didn't dilly dally when I was dating... Job security, earning potential, and stability were all very important things to me too. It was also important to me to find someone who was honest and trustworthy. I'm just saying, I don't think that I would be so quick to judge.

 

They've been on three dates - he's probably somewhat surprised that they made it to three dates because there is always a chance that you are going home alone after one date. I don't know that he owes this woman his life story, that he is required to share a personal struggle, on the very first date. Unfortunately for OP, now he finds himself in a pickle because he lied to cover up the truth... And therein lies the problem.

 

One of my staff took two weeks off this year because she was struggling with anxiety. She got help from a counsellor, and I was able to support her to return to work - she is happy and healthy this summer, and she is a better worker for the experience and the learning she had. It's not an easy conversation to have, particularly with a stranger on a first date. But again, I hope things work our for you OP. Good luck to you.

[normal person]

We're not in 1975 anymore when people worked 30-40 years at the same job.

 

Yes, but you've got to wonder about the kind of person who switches paths in the middle of adulthood, especially if it's a move "down," or worse, if it's a move the person didn't have a choice in. Why? Why didn't the person have their life figured out beforehand? If they had poor foresight or judgment to pick a job they hated, or couldn't handle, or had a grim outlook, and didn't see the importance of doing otherwise, that can be a pretty poor reflection on that person. Yes, of course there are extenuating circumstances, but I'm talking about the ones that can be avoided. There is a difference between:

1). a person who knows what they want in life, works for it, gets it, and deals with all that it entails no matter how difficult,

2). a person who didn't bother to sort themselves out and haphazardly fell into something they didn't feel a particular affinity to or acumen for and pays the consequences later on when the burden of responsibility becomes too great, and

3). the person who is so successful that they cash out at the top and then pick something fun to do in "retirement" to occupy their time.

 

Nowadays people change job and it doesn't mean they 'can't hold one'.

 

Yes, but that wouldn't be the case for the OP, though. He doesn't fall into that category. If he loses this job, it's a direct result of his inability to hold it, not because he got romantic about his new calling as a winemaker and decided it was time to switch it up.

 

Back in the days we stayed in a job even if it was going to kill us, the younger generation isn't willing to do that anymore.

 

Then they have to deal with the consequences of doing such, as is becoming the case with OP. He can't handle the stress and anxiety of the job. This isn't a judgment, it's just the reality.

 

 

She is not a partner, she is not even a girlfriend, she is just a woman he went on 3 dates with, he does not owe her any gut-ripping-confession.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree here, I'd say he absolutely needs to tell her what's happening. OP will be happy if she turns out to be like you, but most women I know wouldn't give a guy whose employment was on shaky ground as a result of his sensitivity to stress a second glance. Having a job and earning power is as high a priority as you can have for most women. The reason he hasn't said anything to her yet is because he knows that.

 

But also, if you assume she'll take it in stride like you did and not care, what's the harm in telling her? OP is clearly unsettled, so why not just get it off his chest and breath easy? If this isn't a big deal and the woman should give OP the benefit of the doubt that everything will be fine, why are we encouraging him to omit it from conversation when it's such a pertinent aspect of his life?

 

 

When I met my boyfriend 2,5 years ago he lost his job about 4 weeks later. If I had listenned to you then I've have dropped him because I should have assumed he's a lazy arse?

 

No one is saying OP or your bf is lazy. What I'm saying is that a lot of other people might not want to wait around to find out if that's the case when there are a million other guys for whom this isn't even a concern. Why would a girl spend years gambling on whether or not a guy can dig himself out of a hole when there are other guys already standing on mountains who don't have these issues? Yeah, some might, but I doubt most would.

 

Turns out he found another full time job, he registered full time to night course, and he worked full time and study full time for 2 years straight.

 

Well that's great, and congratulations to him, but to assume that just because your bf did it, that every guy will, might be a bit much. Especially when considered in conjunction to the guys who took the precautions and fought to not let this happen to them.

 

He is the most hard working goal oriented man I have ever come across. I am glad I was slow to judge him and instead of assuming he can't hold a job I simply observed and made my own conclusion.

 

That's totally fine, but you are an individual with your own circumstances and criteria assessing another individual with his own circumstances. What works for you isn't applicable for everyone, and to be honest, I'd wager you're more of an exception rather than the rule as I don't know anyone who'd even entertain the idea of dating a guy whose job was in jeopardy for whatever reason, let alone anxiety and stress. As you said, people used to do their jobs until it killed them -- another woman might think a goal oriented, hard working person would never let themselves be in a position to fired in the first place -- and to each their own. I respect your opinion, but I think you're an outlier. My understanding is this is the sort of thing a discerning woman would want to know before she goes out with someone. Like it or not, life is short and expensive and most people would rather take the sure thing than gamble and waste time. OP says he didn't tell her at first because "that's a lot to drop on someone," but I'd wager what he neglected to say was "but just as importantly, if she knew I was in danger of losing my job, she might not want to see me again." Let's call a spade a spade.

Edited July 19, 2018 by normal person

[Highndry]

I think lying is always a bad option. I don't see why you couldn't have just said that you were taking some time off work in conjunction with summer break. You don't have to go into great detail.

[kendahke]

 

Would you be angry that I lied when first started dating you?

 

Yes because you're presenting yourself as something you're not and hedging your bets that I'm not smart enough to figure out inconsistencies. I'd dial you all the way back to "some dude I met" and keep it going.

 

You may think you have valid reasons, but you don't know this woman's experience with liars in her past. If it's a pride thing on your part, then you shouldn't date while your life is in such tatters--you need to concentrate on getting to a place where you're satisfied and comfortable where you work first. The women will be there when you're done with that.