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Hi all, in this posting, I think I should describe where I’m at right now, before I get to the point. I’ve been feeling especially motivated today, thinking of something someone said here. I would like a love filled, lifelong relationship, but can’t seem to get courage enough to approach women I don’t know. Online dating is a crutch for me, and some people suggest going outside to meet women. This does not come easy, but to make an attempt, several times per week, I now go out to a local tourist area and mingle among hundreds of people. If I see people taking pictures of each other, I offer to take a picture of them together. It’s a safe way to talk without risk of embarrassment, they are usually very grateful, and they get a nice picture out of it. It’s always couples or family, though, who I approach. I saw a woman by herself, about my age, taking pictures today. It was a very good opportunity to ask if she wanted a picture of herself, but I couldn’t do it. If I am able to recognize an opportunity (which I usually don’t), and find myself unable to take action, that’s a problem.

 

So that’s where I’m at. I need to get past this problem. Once I’m in a conversation, and if I’m not nervous (which is hit or miss), I can hold my own. My idea of a next step is to put up a note on a bulletin board at a local coffee shop, asking if anyone would like to meet for conversation over coffee, and provide my name, age and phone number. If the owners allow it, I plan to put up the note this Sunday, the 22nd. So what do you think? Is this worth trying, or is there something I need to be cautioned of?

 

The verbiage:

"Interested in having a conversation over coffee? I’m looking to meet new people, and here at (shop) could be a great place to meet. I’m (name), age 41, you may text or leave voicemail at (number)."

 

Also, if anyone has other ideas of what to try, I would be very grateful.

 

Some of you appear to be committed to the success of others. I would love to report back with some good news!

 

Thank you!

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CollegeKid101

I think you are doing well! A suggestion I have is that you can approach a woman anywhere at any time. For example, you're at the grocery store and see someone you'd be interested in, make small talk about whatever food you're around and then ask to get coffee. Easy.

 

Remember, the worst thing that can happen is that they say no. Well, even if they do, guess what? There's going to be more and more and more opportunities.

 

Best of luck to you and I hope to hear about your success story soon.

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I recommend joining a club or meet up group doing something that interests you, that will allow you to meet new people who have something in common with you.

I like your coffee shop notice idea though, let us know how it goes.

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Lotsgoingon

Let's take the woman near your age with the camera.

 

So you couldn't get yourself to ask her if she wanted a pic of herself.

 

That's fine ... We start where we are.

 

So here's the question: what WOULD you be comfortable saying to that woman? Does not matter how small a thing you would say.

 

Did you say "hi" to her, for example? If you're not in the habit of saying hi, then doing so is a big and constructive step.

 

Could you say, "What are you taking pictures of?" ... or flavor that ... with "Nice day ... beautiful day ... or cold day ... What are you taking pictures of?"

 

One way to go about social fear ... is to figure out the smallest step and take that action. Because after a while, that small action becomes very much easier to do ... and that small action can then lead to a bigger action.

 

So what could you have said to the camera woman today.

 

Could you say "hi"?... could you smile at her? ...

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Take some pressure off yourself by just doing it quickly. You see a girl you like just say hi. You don’t have to ask them out. It can be a casual thing to ask for a number or some way of contacting a person again. If you put your letter up in a coffee shop bulletin board I would just include an email that doesn’t identify you personally and ask that pretty girls looking to talk to a shy guy email you.

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Hey, great to hear what you've been doing so far! I think something guys sometimes miss is that when you're working up the skills to approach women you might like to date, you really just need more time being friendly with people in general - just like you're doing!

 

 

Some good encouragement and suggestions above ^^^^

 

 

 

I second Doost. It helped me pass a big hurdle several years ago (and still today) when I just started giving a small greeting or making a joke right away, before I had any time to wonder anything about the woman in question.

 

 

Keep doing what you're doing, it is already working for you :)

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You're gonna meet a lot of ugly people with that note in the coffee shop.

 

 

 

Are you living in a rural area or a big metropolis? Do you have male friends to go out with to sports bars and terraces? About joining a group to meet new people like hiking, diving, tennis, badminton, roller-blading, painting, knitting ;-) what ever is your thing.

 

 

 

Tell your friends and colleagues you are interesting in dating, everyone loves playing match makers. About speed dating?

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Don't put all the pressure on yourself. Social interaction is a two way street....and since it's not the 1950's, women these days (well some) are not afraid to be the one initiating first contact. If you make yourself more "approachable" like smiling, eye contact, being upbeat/chipper, people will be drawn to you. You stand out from the crowd, someone is going to strike up a conversation with you. Nothing worse than keeping your nose down looking at yer phone, or ear buds in looking straight ahead. People approach me all the time because my phone in never out, and I'm looking around, smiling at people, making eye contact. It's so random, but fun meeting new people. IMO there are a lot of nice people out there. You don't have to be boisterous/outgoing to have it happen. .

Edited by smackie9
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Don't do the bulletin board note. It's creepy & comes off as desperate. Find a meet up that likes coffee & go to that.

 

Your idea & steps of interacting with lots of people is good. Add to it by forcing yourself to say hi to one new person every day. Add a 2nd person each day or each week if you need a longer build up. Just hi. Nothing else. If they talk to you more, be polite & engage because that is sort of the point. But for a month I want you to smile & say hi. Next month you will add in an ice breaker: "nice day" "do you think it will ever stop raining?" "how 'bout them Yankees" just something to see if that starts a conversation.

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I appreciate the responses and support! The takeaway I’m getting from this is to continue, with gradual escalation. I can take small steps and talk with additional people each week, and I can say “hi” to and smile at a woman. Maybe I can strike up a conversation. I should act without overthinking it. There seems to be clear agreement about that. The coffee shop idea is less clear. I’ll table that idea for now. The club or meet up group idea seems good too, and I have taken some initial steps on that.

 

Related to this topic, today I was helped at a grocery store by a very nice woman cashier, around my age, and with no ring. You probably see where I’m going with this, and I’m assuming that’s a no-no, not far off from from guys hitting on female bartenders. I always feel great after she talks to me, though. She’s super friendly, warm, kind, positive. She seems to like my son, too. I do not plan on doing anything, but yes, the thought popped in my head.

 

Lotsgoingon, my confidence level can vary, and today could have been a great day. Today, for sure I could have said hi and smiled. Maybe I could have said my usual, “Hi, would you like a picture with yourself in it?” If she said yes, I’d have a few seconds to say something else, such as “Are you a visitor to (city)?” If yes, I could ask what she liked that she has seen. If no, I could say how fortunate we are to live here. Realistically, today, probably hi with a smile, though.

 

Gaeta, it took me awhile to realize that yes, I do have a male friend. As part of my recent socializing effort, a few weeks ago I had lunch with an ex-coworker. He’s about 15 years younger than I am, but he’s also a single dad, super nice, easy to talk with, and he did send a friend request on Facebook. Maybe he could be a wingman. I live in a “medium” sized area, neither rural nor big city (100k population). There are good opportunities here to meet people. We’re also a tourist town.

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Hitting on cashiers isn’t a no no. Just be cool about it. You don’t need a Wing man but if your friend thinks the idea is fun so be it.

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I don't see how offering to take women's pictures will help you with your love life. These are tourists. They will leave. They are not looking for a relationship with men in your city. Hookup maybe. And if I see a guy loitering the same area asking multiple women, I'd think it looks suspicious.

 

I'm on the receiving end of the approach. Places where I've been aproached and asked out were train, train station (commuter), bus stop, walking down the street (he asked for directions). In all of the cases, the guy appeared out of nowhere.

 

For me, (other women may be different), I'm more receptive if the guy approaches directly with an open attitude. When a guy checks me out, stares, tries to make eye contact, I get creeped out. I have good peripheral vision like a prey. If I feel eyes on me, my defenses are up. So the guy across the room better make his way over asap. Don't stare or smile at me for 5 minutes.

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When a guy checks me out, stares, tries to make eye contact, I get creeped out. I have good peripheral vision like a prey. If I feel eyes on me, my defenses are up. So the guy across the room better make his way over asap. Don't stare or smile at me for 5 minutes.

 

my guess if the guy is attractive, smiles, but doesn't approach he's probably taken.

 

I agree with the other posters that the note is a massively BAD idea. Lurking about and approaching women is also kinda weird unless you're at a party. Go to parties. Get ppl to set you up.

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You can hit on cashiers, bartenders, waitresses & baristas. However, you have to realize they are paid to be nice to you so what you perceive as interest may be fake on their part. The key is when you get a rejection accept it graciously & don't be awkward. If you can't do that, never return to her place of work.

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I am not loitering, I am going for a walk during my lunch break. I have not asked anyone out for a date...good Lord no. I'm not particularly eager to embarrass myself. I've been pretty socially isolated and would like to improve my confidence level, and become more social. Being more social will have benefits in the pursuit of a relationship. I am introverted, (ISFJ to be specific), and this doesn't come easy.

 

From my perspective, I wish I had your problem, where women would just come up to me and ask for dates. Instead, I am terrified of what could happen if I say something to someone and they get upset. So even just saying "hi" to someone I don't know is a challenge.

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I remember this one time I hit on a girl in public once. I got really embarrassed and began vomiting. I then started to cry I can’t explain why maybe the humiliation of being rejected was too much. People called the police as they thought I was menace. I was arrested for sexual harassment and fired from my job when the news did a story on the debacle. I now have a twitchy eye and am not allowed to own nice things legally. Wait none of that ever happened so just go hit on some girls and have a great shy life.

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Hi all, today I took my usual lunchtime walk, but this time with headphones, binge listening to my latest upbeat love song. I felt pumped, and people smile more when you are feeling good. I even got eye contact and smiles from two drivers passing by in their cars (and one was a woman about my age who was cute!). I did help two couples with pictures, and received a “God bless you” from one and an Asian couple’s humble thanks from the other…and you know what? It felt great! I love meeting nice people. Per past comments, doing this makes me a weirdo, but I guess I like being a weirdo then!

 

I have a love coach now, and she reviewed the women I’ve been interested in. I’m a 41 year old single dad, a shy introvert, and ultra formal, conservative (behaviorally) with traditional values, but it turns out I’m most attracted to the “super freaks” (as she puts it). The woman I’m most attracted to is a 46 year old single mom, a self-described hippie with ribbons and feathers in her hair, and face paint…and she is absolutely beautiful. My heart goes pitter patter when I see her.

 

So there you have it, embracing the weirdness! :laugh:

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Happy Lemming

The woman I’m most attracted to is a 46 year old single mom, a self-described hippie with ribbons and feathers in her hair, and face paint…and she is absolutely beautiful. My heart goes pitter patter when I see her.

 

There is a lid for every pot...

 

Go for it!!

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Hi all, today I took my usual lunchtime walk, but this time with headphones, binge listening to my latest upbeat love song. I felt pumped, and people smile more when you are feeling good. I even got eye contact and smiles from two drivers passing by in their cars (and one was a woman about my age who was cute!). I did help two couples with pictures, and received a “God bless you” from one and an Asian couple’s humble thanks from the other…and you know what? It felt great! I love meeting nice people. Per past comments, doing this makes me a weirdo, but I guess I like being a weirdo then!

 

I have a love coach now, and she reviewed the women I’ve been interested in. I’m a 41 year old single dad, a shy introvert, and ultra formal, conservative (behaviorally) with traditional values, but it turns out I’m most attracted to the “super freaks” (as she puts it). The woman I’m most attracted to is a 46 year old single mom, a self-described hippie with ribbons and feathers in her hair, and face paint…and she is absolutely beautiful. My heart goes pitter patter when I see her.

 

So there you have it, embracing the weirdness! :laugh:

 

My friend we me tend to shy away from the weirdness, if you like this 46 old then make ever effort to make her happy with you. Pitter Patter there you go boy! See your body is telling you she's the one.. Now make it happen No#1.

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ThreeRainbows

 

 

Lotsgoingon, my confidence level can vary, and today could have been a great day. Today, for sure I could have said hi and smiled. Maybe I could have said my usual, “Hi, would you like a picture with yourself in it?” If she said yes, I’d have a few seconds to say something else, such as “Are you a visitor to (city)?” If yes, I could ask what she liked that she has seen. If no, I could say how fortunate we are to live here. Realistically, today, probably hi with a smile, though.

 

 

Just make sure that whatever you say, you're not twisting it to fit what you think she wants to hear. Be authentic in your opinions. If you do that, most people will like you. Some people won't, but they don't matter. It's much better than coming across as insincere.

 

 

 

Just be honest. Be yourself.

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I have an exciting update! I hope you're reading, Lotsgoingon. I was hiking today with my son, and an amazing thing happened. I was waiting for my son to catch up and there was a woman in my rough age range taking a breather, and I was able to strike up a short conversation. She was super friendly and seemed to enjoy talking with me. I didn't get her name, but am sure I could have, and might have had a worthwhile chance to ask for a phone number. That doesn't matter though, what matters is I pulled off an actual conversation with a random stranger, a woman, within my age range, and it was well received. There might be hope for me after all! :laugh:

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Hi all, something noteworthy happened today. I took my son to a friend's birthday party today, and a woman who I think is single talked with me for an hour and a half. She approached me, and it's always so easy if that happens... The conversation was reasonable but we didn't click.

 

I don't think she was interested because:

 

  1. She checked her phone and texted at least three times.
  2. She looked away at least two times.
  3. This isn't quantifiable, but she just didn't seem too interested.

 

However, had we clicked, these could have been good signs?

 

  1. She separated me from the group, then sat next to me.
  2. The first thing she asked was if my wife was coming. I said I wasn't married. (Maybe she wanted to find out if I was married?)
  3. She asked if I had more than one child, then when I said no, she asked if I wanted more children. She said she used to be married, and has not had children yet. Possibly this implies she is single and wants children.
  4. I said I didn't think women my age want to have children. She mentioned younger women. (She is a younger woman.)
  5. She did maintain eye contact most of the time.

 

I'm really dense when it comes to figuring these things out, but had we clicked, I assume those are good signs? I assume she was bored but thought it wouldn't hurt to find out about me? Or, maybe she was just making polite conversation. What do you think? Any opinions would be welcome.

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