What's Wrong with Needy and Clingy?

[shydad]

Hi all, I was reading a discussion here yesterday where at least three users implied needy, clingy women are to be avoided. What is wrong with that trait?

 

I suspect that the reason is that there could be an underlying emotional problem, or possibly even a more serious problem.

 

However, when I heard mention of a woman being needy and clingy, the image in my head was of a highly affectionate women, which is a trait I have been searching for. What is the difference? Is there a difference? I would like to find someone who likes to cuddle, hold each other, embrace, etc. As an example, in a woman's profile I once read, "I love a man who can't keep his hands off me!" I interpreted that as a strong desire for affection, and that sentence really resonated with me.

 

Can someone please straighten me out on this? What am I not understanding?

 

Thank you!

[snowboy91]

To me, the biggest difference between being affectionate and being needy/clingy is in what happens when you're not being cuddly/intimate. Being needy/clingy is more about someone who always expects gifts, or wants attention all the time (ie. constant texting, constantly wanting to be around, etc), or needs to know where their partner is at every waking moment. It often leads to insecurity when the non-clingy partner (say the man, but it can go both ways) goes to take part in hobbies, or is around other women.

 

To me, someone who is affectionate but not clingy (my ideal) is someone who enjoys cuddling and being affectionate, but is confident enough to not need their partner's attention 24/7. Affectionate is enriching, but clingy is draining over the medium to long term.

[basil67]

Snowboy is on the money. First up, either gender can be needy or clingy, so my response will reflect this.

 

Being needy/clingy isn't so much about physical affection, but more about being overly demanding on your time and headspace. Needs constant affirmation, contact, gets put out if they feels you're prioritising something over them. Then there's the aspect that if you need to end it, their ability to cope will be far lower than the average person. One can find themselves staying with a needy person because of the guilts they'd get if they left.

 

Basically, they lack self sufficiency and are so very demanding on your emotions.

[act00]

There is a difference between needy and clingy and wanting to spend time with their partner often and being highly affectionate.

 

Needy and clingy is expecting their partner around all the time and a need to always be touching, even when fondling each other in a setting is inappropriate. They can't hold their own when separated at a party, and you'd better be at their side. When you speak to someone of the opposite gender, you could be accused of flirting or cheating. They are jealous and insecure when you have time apart and what you were up to and with whom and why didn't you text when you got home and you didn't want to spend time with me. They require that all your free time is dedicated to them, and if they're not available for a period of time, you'd better be available when they're done with whatever it is they were doing, which means you give up some of your plans, hobbies, or chores, or cut things short in order to meet with them and be available or be available to text or call. You have to constantly build them up and reassure them. They expect you to help them out with any trial in their life, no matter how big or how small to the point at times you wonder how they functioned alone. You defend yourself a lot and have to assure them constantly that you truly care about them or love them.

 

In a healthy relationship, both parties want to spend time together and are also allowed to pursue things separately with friends, family, a hobby, or just appointments and errands. There is trust while apart. There is confidence in the relationship. Assurance is always nice, and we all get insecure, but it's not a constant requirement. You are allowed to enjoy your events alone and have fun without there being some underlying accusation that you you don't want them around.

 

When you feel suffocated and you feel exhausted because you constantly have to be "on" in order to appease someone, assure them, always have to be intertwined when you're together, that's clingy and needy.

[d0nnivain]

An affectionate person will hold your hand or be by your side in a physical way because they are expressing their desire for you.

 

A needy / clingy person will blow up your phone, calling you 10x a day & freaking out when you don't pick up even if you are in the middle of work. They will want to be with you 24/7 from the beginning. They will demand attention from you & freak out if you attend to your job, engage with your children or call your own mother. They can't handle being alone, generally have low self esteem, overreact to the slightest issue, have few problem solving skills and are not comfortable in their own skin. They also really don't care who the other person in their life is as long as someone / anyone is there so they don't have to be alone.

[brigit87]

An affectionate person will hold your hand or be by your side in a physical way because they are expressing their desire for you.

 

A needy / clingy person will blow up your phone, calling you 10x a day & freaking out when you don't pick up even if you are in the middle of work. They will want to be with you 24/7 from the beginning. They will demand attention from you & freak out if you attend to your job, engage with your children or call your own mother. They can't handle being alone, generally have low self esteem, overreact to the slightest issue, have few problem solving skills and are not comfortable in their own skin. They also really don't care who the other person in their life is as long as someone / anyone is there so they don't have to be alone.

 

That is how an extreme needy and clingy person might be. Needy/clingy like all behavior traits runs on on continuum.

[d0nnivain]

That is how an extreme needy and clingy person might be. Needy/clingy like all behavior traits runs on on continuum.

 

True about the continuum but since the OP didn't know what it looked like at all & was confusing needy / clingy with affectionate I started with the clearest contrast.

[brigit87]

True about the continuum but since the OP didn't know what it looked like at all & was confusing needy / clingy with affectionate I started with the clearest contrast.

 

I get that. I just feel that "needy and clingy" are overused and greatly misunderstood.

 

Everyone has "needs" when needs aren't met the behavior to "cling" to whatever best appeared to satisfy that need comes into play.

 

Everyone on this board can be considered "needy and clingy." There are long posts of ppl describing needs that aren't being met and they cling to the answers others given in order to feel better.

[littleblackheart]

I guess it's in eye of the beholder.

 

To me, most people are needy and clingy. I'm only ever (very) affectionate with my children. I'm not a very demonstrative person but that doesn't reflect the level of care I have for someone. I can only be affectionate with someone when I feel comfortable enough.

 

That said, I would only describe someone as really clingy or needy when I have clearly voiced to them that whatever they're doing is too much for me and they don't tone it down or worse, they ramp it up a notch.

 

Clingy or needy people, I think, ove-rcompensate for something that they feel is missing from the relationship, and overdoing is their way of expressing their insecurities.

 

As long as both are satisfied with the level of affection and noone feels short-changed or smothered, it's all good.

[Versacehottie]

I think it's simple:

 

Clingy the way most people use it is a mental/psychological description. And, OP, you are thinking about it being more of a physical description of behavior, as in affectionate.

 

Distinction: Mental vs physical

 

I don't really think "clingy" would be the right term for someone who displays affection readily but if that is how you view it then realize most of the people who use the word use it to describe a person they are involved with who is smothering and too premature, treats the relationship as closer than it is or pushes for that level of closeness and/or is not satisfied with how much you have let him/her into your life.

[kendahke]

Hi all, I was reading a discussion here yesterday where at least three users implied needy, clingy women are to be avoided. What is wrong with that trait?

 

It's tiresome and childish. It's not the same as being whole and happy and proceeding from that.

 

By a certain age, every adult should know how to self-soothe on their own. Those who were never taught that or were discouraged as children to develop that turn into needy/clingy people who drain your life force.

 

They are what's known as "energy drains"... they aren't happy until they consume all of your energy, but they're still rapacious for more.

 

That is on the other side of the universe from someone who is truly into you, loves giving and receiving affection, but has a firm grip on their imagination, which they do not let run wild with conjured up scenarios to fit a narrative they want to invest in about how you're not living up to their unrealistic expectations because they can't amuse themselves in your absence.

Edited July 16, 2018 by kendahke

[carhill]

My version when we get old....

 

'Why didn't you call me this morning?'

 

'I did, at [time] and left a voice message because there was no answer [described outgoing message to authenticate]'

 

I ignored the tone because BPD'ers are either engulfment or abandonment. The person in question, apparently not getting the missed call and message, thought I'd abandoned her when I told her the night before I'd call in the morning.

 

No, she's not my wife or girlfriend, rather best friend's wife. And I'm, as he puts it, her chew toy

 

Fortunately, I was married for a decade to someone who was not needy nor clingy. Kudos to her.

 

God love 'em, those who cling out of fear of abandonment or being alone, but they're just not for me. Some guys love that stuff, being needed all the time. I need to catch a breath once in awhile. That kind of cling can be suffocating.

[Lorenza]

I'd love to have a somewhat needy boyfriend, if needy meant "wants to spend time with me and doesn't act independent and aloof all the time". Would rather take that than a commitment phoebe (if the neediness isn't sickly and controlling).

[Gaeta]

To me someone needy and cligny is someone turned inward and is only interested in her own state of happiness. This person has no concept outside herself. Example: The girlfriend that calls you 10 times to know why you're not there yet. You can explain to her you're stuck in traffic, you had to stay at work a little longer, you had a flat tire, none of those will satisfy her and she'll continue calling to know how far you are from home because the only thing that she is interested about is getting her fix of 'you'.

[brigit87]

I'd love to have a somewhat needy boyfriend, if needy meant "wants to spend time with me and doesn't act independent and aloof all the time". Would rather take that than a commitment phoebe (if the neediness isn't sickly and controlling).

 

And that makes total sense.

 

I've been called "needy" and have been shamed for my needs by people who become very interested in me when THEY need something.

[carhill]

Yep, the 'you will service my needs' tone. I get all the pleasure out of being needed thing but too much is too much, especially if one-sided. Guys like to serve, or did, so it's easy to fall into that serve and protect trap.

 

Long-term, like as a spouse, I really appreciated the self-energizing and self-appreciating style my wife had. She really knew how to be connected without being clingy. When that slipped, her becoming more distant, later in the M, that's when I knew something was up, then a vacillation between distant and clingy really indicated we had some problems. In retrospect it was all obvious and clear. With someone always needy and clingy it would be, for me anyway, difficult to discern health and illness in a relationship. The fog would be too thick, for me anyway. Couldn't deal with it.

[Romantic_Antics]

There's a difference between having needs and desires and being needy. There's also a difference between being affectionate and being clingy. My girlfriend and I are madly in love with each other to the point that we would likely spend every waking moment together if we had that luxury, but it's mutual, fully reciprocated, and we're still in the honeymoon phase of our relationship. I wouldn't consider our affections needy or clingy and we still manage to maintain a healthy respect for each other's daily commitments.

 

In contrast, needy and clingy would be one partner having excessive needs and desires that were not appropriate for the situation, ie, she goes out with her friends and I blow up her phone the whole time wanting affection that she can't give and then complaining when I don't get it. Smothering your significant other when they can't reciprocate it or don't want it, and even taking it personally, is when it becomes needy and clingy.

[Els]

Hi all, I was reading a discussion here yesterday where at least three users implied needy, clingy women are to be avoided. What is wrong with that trait?

 

I suspect that the reason is that there could be an underlying emotional problem, or possibly even a more serious problem.

 

However, when I heard mention of a woman being needy and clingy, the image in my head was of a highly affectionate women, which is a trait I have been searching for. What is the difference? Is there a difference? I would like to find someone who likes to cuddle, hold each other, embrace, etc. As an example, in a woman's profile I once read, "I love a man who can't keep his hands off me!" I interpreted that as a strong desire for affection, and that sentence really resonated with me.

 

Can someone please straighten me out on this? What am I not understanding?

 

Thank you!

 

 

Trust me, you'll change your mind when you get a woman who calls you every 5 minutes, even when you're trying to work. And then blows up at you for not answering.

[Sbla22]

This thread hits close to home for me as I have been on both sides of the 'clingy' spectrum!

 

 

I'm a 26 year old male, been OLD on and off for 3 years now with minimal success (3 long termish relationships out of it)

 

 

I broke up with a woman I really liked a few years ago because her 'needy' ways started to have a big mental impact on my life. We met on Tinder and got on so well for a few weeks - stayed at hers weekly, then almost daily. I was so attracted to her physically and we just had a laugh and were really comfortable around each other. Bit by bit her needy and clingy ways emerged though. She'd want to constantly Whatsapp and if I went on and checked, say, a friend's message before opening hers she'd know and tell me something like 'oh guess I'm not top priority then.' and sulk for a while. Even if I took only a minute or so to respond she became agressive at times...

 

 

When I went out with friends she always started a massive argument implying I didn't make any time for her when I saw her pretty much every day...

 

 

You get the picture.

 

 

But she had a very troubled childhood with her mum being an alocholic and her parents splitting up and a boyfriend who got her pregnant when she was young then didn't want anything to do with her etc

 

 

 

So I got why she had those issues but she was never willing to work on them - she just never trusted me even though I have never and will never cheat on anyone! Nothing I seemed to say or do was good enough.

 

 

 

Now looking back I know it was because of things that happened to her before she met me but I couldn't have a healthy relationship with her ultimately. So I had to leave. It was a hard choice but you can't ever have a truly happy and healthy relationship with someone who has those tendencies.

 

 

----------------------------------------

 

 

On the flipside I have my own insecurities based on a few things - never felt I was good enough growing up - never really tried to get with a girl until I was 19 or so, never had sex until I was 24. I've struggled with anxiety and low self esteem at times.

 

 

I think in a few relationships I let my insecurities ultimately destroy the relationship, almost as if I didn't believe I deserved the love or affection and made accusations or got frustrated if they didn't text me back etc so eventually they would end it, fulfilling my own beliefs!

 

 

 

However, my last relationship lasting 6 months was with quite a cold, unaffectionate woman anyway who still had a close relationship with her ex. so that was just never going to work out.

 

 

But I have really worked hard on myself since we split up - I've made changes in my life that are slowly making me more confident. I have dated again and use better judgement and patience. I'm still not all the way there yet but I'm slowly getting to a place where I don't NEED someone else to give me joy - I understand that can never be the case.

 

 

I am dating this woman who I really like - she's such a lovely person and I find her really attractive and down to earth. We have been on 2 dates. A couple of years ago I would be stressing out wondering why she hasn't text me today, planning our future, what our kids' names are going to be!

 

 

 

But now I am going with the flow - Not many texts, just having a fun time with her, no expectations from her. I think my anxiety has made me often want to go at life in super speed but now I realise there's plenty of time. I don't NEED to be married with kids at a certain age. If it happens it happens but I can't and won't force it.

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------

 

 

So to answer your question the needy behaviour I described in my post will 100% destroy a relationship eventually.

 

 

Affection and care can be shown without having to expect it to be constant 24/7 with accusations flying around if someone is busy or living their own life.

[d0nnivain]

It's one thing when somebody needs their partner for a specific event / duration. For example immediately after my parents died, I had a lot of abandonment issues & grew fearful when my husband wasn't around. But that isn't who I am all the time. It was the only time in my life I actually blew up somebody's phone: I was texting & calling him every 1/2 hour from the emergency room. I finally called his boss & begged the boss to call the work training class he was in with his phone off & pull him out for the life & death emergency I was dealing with. That is not my normal personality & I would not have done that for say a flat tire or a broken arm, even my own.

 

Having needs & expectations in a relationship is fine. How you express those may take some finesse.

 

Somebody may be perceived as being needy / clingy by one partner who needs more space / distance / time alone. I was actually a bit too needy for my very introverted husband because I wanted to talk after dinner or watch TV together. We muddled through until we found a solution that worked for us: I leave him alone in his man cave but if I'm feeling vulnerable I ask him to come to the living room; I do not do that daily. In addition, it bothered me that he stayed up later then I did. I liked & missed pillow talk so now he comes into bed with me for a few minutes then goes back to his cave.

 

The negative labels often attach when the person who is seeking to have a need met & the other person can't reach a compromise. Begging is never attractive. Neither is freaking out or failing to be independent about anything.

[preraph]

Affectionate is not the same as needy and clingy. needy and clingy will blow up your phone all day while you're trying to work at the office because they're so insecure they have to know where you are and what you're doing every minute. Needy and clingy is so insecure that they can never be comfortable in a relationship. They will not be independent and just go do their own thing. Everything you do has to be together or they will be mad and crying.

 

Needy and clingy is literally infantile. It's a unhealthy attachment.

 

What you want is affectionate. She will cuddle and love on you, but she will release you out of her clutches when you need to go do something.

 

It's two totally different things.

[Gretchen12]

The difference is one is positive, the other is negative.

 

The woman that piqued your interest, if instead of saying "I love a man who can't keep his hands off me!" She says to you, "You haven't touched me all day today, I guess I'm not attractive enough for you! You only touch me when we have sex, you are just using me."

 

This is the same with men. If I am slow to text back and he says "hey! I'm so happy to hear from you, I missed you!" That's great. If he says "it is rude to not text back for this long, if you don't want to see me anymore, just say so!"

 

Look around and you find a lot of negativity. Note the frequent use of "not, never, no, none."

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow!

 

Great question ... fantastic answers.

[preraph]

It's one thing when somebody needs their partner for a specific event / duration. For example immediately after my parents died, I had a lot of abandonment issues & grew fearful when my husband wasn't around. But that isn't who I am all the time. It was the only time in my life I actually blew up somebody's phone: I was texting & calling him every 1/2 hour from the emergency room. I finally called his boss & begged the boss to call the work training class he was in with his phone off & pull him out for the life & death emergency I was dealing with. That is not my normal personality & I would not have done that for say a flat tire or a broken arm, even my own.

 

Having needs & expectations in a relationship is fine. How you express those may take some finesse.

 

Somebody may be perceived as being needy / clingy by one partner who needs more space / distance / time alone. I was actually a bit too needy for my very introverted husband because I wanted to talk after dinner or watch TV together. We muddled through until we found a solution that worked for us: I leave him alone in his man cave but if I'm feeling vulnerable I ask him to come to the living room; I do not do that daily. In addition, it bothered me that he stayed up later then I did. I liked & missed pillow talk so now he comes into bed with me for a few minutes then goes back to his cave.

 

The negative labels often attach when the person who is seeking to have a need met & the other person can't reach a compromise. Begging is never attractive. Neither is freaking out or failing to be independent about anything.

 

Oh, I like that solution, he comes to bed, cuddles, then goes and does his thing.

 

See, I'd be livid if even my dogs didn't come to bed when I do! I got dogs to cuddle and sleep with. C'mon, that's their only job! But I'm not as bad about that with men, though if it was all the time, it would get old.

[coolheadal]

Hi all, I was reading a discussion here yesterday where at least three users implied needy, clingy women are to be avoided. What is wrong with that trait?

 

I suspect that the reason is that there could be an underlying emotional problem, or possibly even a more serious problem.

 

However, when I heard mention of a woman being needy and clingy, the image in my head was of a highly affectionate women, which is a trait I have been searching for. What is the difference? Is there a difference? I would like to find someone who likes to cuddle, hold each other, embrace, etc. As an example, in a woman's profile I once read, "I love a man who can't keep his hands off me!" I interpreted that as a strong desire for affection, and that sentence really resonated with me.

 

Can someone please straighten me out on this? What am I not understanding?

 

Thank you!

 

Romantic has to be a bit on the clingy an needy side of the fence. What do you want a cold one or a hot one? Touch and feel or look and see? Spoon to be spoon. Flip the bed around and just look at each other. Cuddle, fondle, snuggle, be playful kiss, pet, put your hands in her hair or she into your hair. What do we all really want. Romance with expression or Romance with a little extra cling?