Ghosted...Reply for Closure?

[kfm]

Met this amazing girl online and went for a date, was super friendly, very attractive and had a great time. I should add that I've met a lot of girls from various online apps and most of the time I'm not usually interested unfortunately. However, this one was quite different in that had great chemistry together, was incredibly attractive and I hadn't felt that excited after a date in such a long time.

 

Text her the next day to say enjoyed our date and let's do it again sometime? She said yes, let's. Only thing was she was going away on holidays so could only do so when she got back in 2 weeks.

 

Messaged her when she got back and...she replied after work the next day. Very friendly text, lots of exclamation points and asking how I had been. She also mentioned things were super busy in work. In the next message and as it was Wednesday, I asked her was she around later that week for coffee or drinks as I was actually going abroad the following week. Again, she replied the next day and said she was busy most evenings this week but asked when was I back from holidays. Said I was away for 2 weeks, but her next message made no reference of meeting up when I get back. So eventually I simply asked to let me know if she still wanted to catch a coffee sometime? and....well, never heard back!

 

Our messaging was in whatsapp and the last message hasn't been marked as read. Now I know it comes up on the lockscreen and she could have have read it that way (and it wouldn't be marked as read in whatsapp). Its the only thing bugging me a bit in terms of accepting this is it.

 

The signs when she came back from holidays are obviously pretty much negative but what's frustrating me is why she initially agreed to go on another date & was also always responding after our first date (and sometimes initiating the texts) if she had no real interest. Also asking when I was back from holidays etc.

 

Finding it really hard to forget about it and just move on. Was just one date but anyone who's ever had a truly amazing first date (amidst many terrible ones!) might understand where I'm coming from.

 

Sent message Friday evening and we're now Sunday. Obviously, most will suggest leaving it and moving on. I'm not expecting anything to come from this as if someone is interested, they'll clearly respond and make time to see you (assuming she saw the message)

 

But just sometimes, a final message can offer a little closure for the person who's been ghosted eg either asking her did she get my last message or accepting the finality of it and sending a message along the lines of thanking her for meeting up, had a great time and wishing her all the best.

 

What do you think?

[Art_Critic]

You need closure after one date ?

It seems she doesn't think you guys are a match or she has other things going on and has prioritized you down to no contact and ghost.

 

Not everybody you meet will be a match and not everybody will treat you the way you want to be treated..

 

Delete her number and move onto someone else, your time would be better spent with someone who treats you better than with her.

 

BTW, dating is really a numbers game, next her and move onto another.. you will find someone

[Gaeta]

You think you had an amazing connection but it was not as amazing for her. Women are not different then men, if we meet someone and we feel chemistry and connection we'll do anything to meet them again asap and we will not let them hanging on text, we're excellent at texting and keeping track of guys we want!!

 

 

 

You don't need 'closure' after 1 meeting, this was not a relationship, it was not even dating yet it was just a first meeting. Let it go...

[d0nnivain]

I don't see why you need closure after one date & a few messages. How attached can you really be?

 

I get why you are frustrated. It seemed like all was good & then the wheels fell off, seemingly for no reason.

 

Go on your holiday. When you get back, you can reach out one more time. Say something like "long time no see. Now that were are both in the same place again wanna meet up to compare notes on our respective vacations?"

 

If that doesn't get a response, take it as your closure & move along.

[ExpatInItaly]

What sort of closure are you looking for, OP? That's a genuine questions, as you have met her once.

 

I understand that you're disappointed, of course. But what was amazing for you evidently wasn't quite the same for her. It's not fun, but I would leave it be now. She knows how to find out if she wants to follow up.

[act00]

I'm going to agree with everyone else, I don't see the point in any type of official end or "closure." It was one date. I kind of wonder why you want to close the door on this, just the same. Granted, her behavior screams noninterest, but on that same note, you have both been rather busy with some conflicting prescheduled plans, plus work, and your date went really well...it's hard to judge, but it was only one date; is the door still open on more? It's not the end of the world if you extend yourself one last time just to see if something can take off now that life might be settling into some more normalcy. I agree with d0nnivain's suggestion to reach out once more when you get back from your trip and see what happens. If she continues being too busy and uninterested, move on.

[Imajerk17]

Met this amazing girl online and went for a date, was super friendly, very attractive and had a great time. I should add that I've met a lot of girls from various online apps and most of the time I'm not usually interested unfortunately. However, this one was quite different in that had great chemistry together, was incredibly attractive and I hadn't felt that excited after a date in such a long time.

 

Text her the next day to say enjoyed our date and let's do it again sometime? She said yes, let's. Only thing was she was going away on holidays so could only do so when she got back in 2 weeks.

 

Messaged her when she got back and...she replied after work the next day. Very friendly text, lots of exclamation points and asking how I had been. She also mentioned things were super busy in work. In the next message and as it was Wednesday, I asked her was she around later that week for coffee or drinks as I was actually going abroad the following week. Again, she replied the next day and said she was busy most evenings this week but asked when was I back from holidays. Said I was away for 2 weeks, but her next message made no reference of meeting up when I get back. So eventually I simply asked to let me know if she still wanted to catch a coffee sometime? and....well, never heard back!

 

Our messaging was in whatsapp and the last message hasn't been marked as read. Now I know it comes up on the lockscreen and she could have have read it that way (and it wouldn't be marked as read in whatsapp). Its the only thing bugging me a bit in terms of accepting this is it.

 

The signs when she came back from holidays are obviously pretty much negative but what's frustrating me is why she initially agreed to go on another date & was also always responding after our first date (and sometimes initiating the texts) if she had no real interest. Also asking when I was back from holidays etc.

 

Finding it really hard to forget about it and just move on. Was just one date but anyone who's ever had a truly amazing first date (amidst many terrible ones!) might understand where I'm coming from.

 

Sent message Friday evening and we're now Sunday. Obviously, most will suggest leaving it and moving on. I'm not expecting anything to come from this as if someone is interested, they'll clearly respond and make time to see you (assuming she saw the message)

 

But just sometimes, a final message can offer a little closure for the person who's been ghosted eg either asking her did she get my last message or accepting the finality of it and sending a message along the lines of thanking her for meeting up, had a great time and wishing her all the best.

 

What do you think?

 

A few thoughts not brought up here yet:

 

1. The smileys and exclamation marks in her messages to you were good signs but keep in mind that when it comes to dating, many people are good actors/actresses especially over text. They act interested after the date even when they aren't sure whether they in fact are. That she was busy that week when she knew you were leaving to go on holiday (vacation as we say in the States) isn't a good sign. Would *you* let two weeks go by for the 2nd date, if you were really into the girl?

 

2. Your last text sounded like you were leaving the ball in her court. It is the type of text that hardly gets a reply. That may sound like the gentlemanly/"principled" thing to do--leaving the ball in her court as you did, but many guys get the girl with a bit more persistence than that. They do stuff that is advised against on here, such as keep the conversation going and then go for the date at a later time. I mean you are giving up after *one* unreturned text?

 

[i understand if 1. and 2. sound as if they contradict each other, but they don't. What is happening is that she isn't sure about you--her emotionally expressive texts to you notwithstanding--and you need to be more persistent to get her to meet up again.]

 

3. Or maybe I should instead ask: Why are you suggesting "coffee" for your 2nd date?

 

So to sum up, send her a text *today* asking how her weekend is going (or if you are in AUS or NZ or a similar timezone how her weekend *was*). Forget about the unreturned message sent on Friday.

 

**********************

Answering what you asked as a GENERAL question, if someone truly does disappear after a date--e.g., doesn't respond to a *few* texts from you--then chances are you were just one good date that she went on, out of the three dates that she went on that week. She may have left the date w you on some sort of emotional high but that just wore off as she talked to these other guys and went on these other dates. That is probably what happened.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Imajerk17

[preraph]

If she was interested, she'd be responding. I don't see the point of continuing to contact her. She's not interested. If you pressure her into seeing you, it will only be more investment in someone who isn't interested. Women are not won by being persistent. These days, it's more a red flag. She's not interested.

[Cookiesandough]

Years from now, when you are an old man, having lived out a rich, full life, you’re not going to look back and think ‘wow, I wish I had messaged that one woman who ghosted me to get closure’

 

No.

 

& what is ‘closure’ in this case, anyway? “Sorry but we’re just not a match and I was too cowardly to be direct”? Or something like that? Her actions (or lack thereof) have pretty much told you what you need to know

 

Give the ghosts what they deserve - nothing. They had their time and it’s over. Let their spirits haunt you no more!

[Highndry]

The women who are truly interested in you leave nothing to the imagination. This one obviously isn't. Move on. "Closure?" Pffffft.....

[Gretchen12]

Text her the next day to say enjoyed our date and let's do it again sometime? She said yes, let's. Only thing was she was going away on holidays so could only do so when she got back in 2 weeks.

 

If she was the last to text with "yes, let's", and you did not text her for 2 weeks while she's on holidays, then you ghosted her.

Whatsapp works when you are on holiday. You just need wifi connection. There's no reason to stop talking to her just because she's away.

 

>> Said I was away for 2 weeks, but her next message made no reference of meeting up when I get back. So eventually I simply asked to let me know if she still wanted to catch a coffee sometime? and....well, never heard back! <<

 

You are expecting her to ask you out?

 

>> The signs when she came back from holidays are obviously pretty much negative <<

 

I don't think so.

 

>> Finding it really hard to forget about it and just move on. Was just one date but anyone who's ever had a truly amazing first date (amidst many terrible ones!) might understand where I'm coming from. <<

 

You should make a bigger effort to go after what you want. Pick up the phone and call. If no answer then leave a message. Be positive.

 

>> But just sometimes, a final message can offer a little closure for the person who's been ghosted eg either asking her did she get my last message or accepting the finality of it and sending a message along the lines of thanking her for meeting up, had a great time and wishing her all the best. <<

 

The thanking and wishing for the best is really defeatist and basically declaring it over, when it's not what you want. You don't have to be so sensitive. Since you already see yourself ghosted, what do you have to lose? Make one big effort (positive, assume she wants you), then you have your closure no matter how she responds.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You know when you met all those other girls but you just weren't attracted? Yeah, that's how she feels.

[mortensorchid]

No need for closure on this one, just move on. It's lousy, but that's how it is.

[smackie9]

Gosh regardless of responding to you after the date...she's been blowing you off ever since. Get the hint, she's not interested.

 

 

 

When you hear, going on holidays for 2 weeks, or things have been real crazy at work...that's a blow off.

[Purrrfect]

You only had 1 date. You don’t need closure. Now if you had sex or a few dates I would want it. Move on. For whatever reason and you may never know why, she’s not interested or someone else came into the picture.

 

Sorry.

[shydad]

kfm, this happened to me as well, where I had strong feelings, was eagerly told "yes" to suggestions of meeting again, then heard nothing back. I also wanted some sort of closure. However, I had already been told many times that no response means the woman is not interested. After a day passed, I (unhappily) dropped it, found an in-depth article detailing dating mistakes, identified where I went wrong, and moved on. It's not easy though. I feel badly for you. It sounds like she was pretty amazing...

[newyorker11356]

Gosh regardless of responding to you after the date...she's been blowing you off ever since. Get the hint, she's not interested.

 

 

 

When you hear, going on holidays for 2 weeks, or things have been real crazy at work...that's a blow off.

 

Eh, I don't how the holidays for 2 weeks thing is an excuse. You can't exactly go on dates when that happens, lol.

 

That being said, she's obviously not interested. She may have genuinely enjoyed and had fun on the date, but isn't interested in another one for whatever reason. Or, she faked having a good/nice time on it.

[newyorker11356]

kfm, this happened to me as well, where I had strong feelings, was eagerly told "yes" to suggestions of meeting again, then heard nothing back. I also wanted some sort of closure. However, I had already been told many times that no response means the woman is not interested. After a day passed, I (unhappily) dropped it, found an in-depth article detailing dating mistakes, identified where I went wrong, and moved on. It's not easy though. I feel badly for you. It sounds like she was pretty amazing...

 

Just out of curiosity, what do you think you did wrong?

[shydad]

Just out of curiosity, what do you think you did wrong?

I was too enthusiastic, and too open. Per the article, enthusiasm can be seen as desperation, and saying too much too soon can drive women away.

[O'Malley]

One sided chemistry can skew your perception of things. You also have to roll with the punches when it comes to rejection; people who aren't interested in you sometimes will continue to text, act friendly but be politely vague about future plans. A lot of busyness and "sometime". Most people have hectic schedules at times, but unless she's doing humanitarian work in a far off place she's not too busy to meetup for coffee or drinks. You're not going to get any more satisfaction from closure than you would from that company that didn't hire you after you believed that you had a good interview with them.

Edited July 16, 2018 by O'Malley

[Gaeta]

I was too enthusiastic, and too open. Per the article, enthusiasm can be seen as desperation, and saying too much too soon can drive women away.

 

 

 

 

Like what?

[smackie9]

Eh, I don't how the holidays for 2 weeks thing is an excuse. You can't exactly go on dates when that happens, lol.

 

That being said, she's obviously not interested. She may have genuinely enjoyed and had fun on the date, but isn't interested in another one for whatever reason. Or, she faked having a good/nice time on it.

You'd be surprised at how many people post the same thread and tell us their date told them they are "going on holidays for 2 weeks" and the old, "I'll message you when I get back". and they don't or start giving them the run around.

[newyorker11356]

You'd be surprised at how many people post the same thread and tell us their date told them they are "going on holidays for 2 weeks" and the old, "I'll message you when I get back". and they don't or start giving them the run around.

 

I think the best indicator in this instance is to see how the communication is like during those weeks on holiday vacation.

[shydad]

Like what?

I implied why my son lives with me, which probably was interpreted as drama.

[TheFinalWord]

I implied why my son lives with me, which probably was interpreted as drama.

 

Yeah, better to keep things light-hearted on the first couple dates.

 

OP, it is easy to project what we perceive as a great date onto the other person. However, gestures like texting, "liking" social media posts, even talking on the phone is all fluff unless you are going on actual dates. Unless you are securing and going on actual dates, its best to assume the woman has "meh" interest. Don't read much into texting and all that stuff. There are so many women, there's no point in trying to win over someone with "meh" interest. It won't change their mind, and all it will do is leave you frustrated.

 

You want to keep searching until you find someone that has mutual interest. In terms of asking her out, you need to set a specific time and location. Start out by asking her "when are you free to get together," and keep going until you have a secured date and location. If she blows you off (whatever the excuse), you can try one more time in a week or two. After that, you never try again.

 

But don't act butt-hurt if she blows you off, just say "if you are ever interested, please feel free to get in touch!" that way you leave the door open. You never know what is going on, she could be dating multiple men and you may have a chance after those guys screw it up (most relationships do not work out).

 

You are doing good to assess what you did wrong. But I would also suggest that you should be talking to multiple women at once so that you don't put all your eggs in one basket. If you get One-itis, you will get fixated on one woman that doesn't have high interest. A sign this is occurring is when you catch yourself playing Perry Mason with meaningless gestures, like analyzing the psychology of her putting an exclamation point at the end of a sentence. Look at actions...is she going dates with you? Likes, texts, punctuation, etc. means nothing unless its in the context of actual physical dates.

Edited July 17, 2018 by TheFinalWord