What’s changed?

[Real36]

I’ve been reading over some of my old threads tonight because I’m about to give a guy I dated 3 years ago a second chance and I needed a refresher on why I broke it off the first time.

 

What I’ve noticed is that I did a lot of posting about my weight and how I felt like being overweight was a major factor in my relationships.

 

But now I’m a good 30 lbs heavier than I was a few years ago and getting far more attention than I ever have before. Apparently I am “thick” and my body type seems to be highly desirable on OLD these days. I’ve been dating regularly since last November with lots of interest from many different types of men.

 

I am much more confidant than I used to be now, I know that is a factor, but I also sort of feel like my body type might also a fetish of sorts. The word “curves” gets thrown around a lot. I have 4 dates with 4 different men set up for next week.

 

Has something changed culturally in the last few years that has suddenly made me become more attractive or could it just be an overall increase in confidence?

 

I’m very interested to hear what you all think.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Real36

[FMW]

Most likely it's about you, that you are more confident. How you feel about yourself makes a big difference in how you present yourself and interact with others.

 

I've gained weight recently going through uncertainty over a romantic relationship (I'm an emotional eater) and my self-esteem has certainly taken a hit. But honestly I think it's mostly about what I see when I look in the mirror, my judgment. Because as long as I stay open and friendly with guys (and all people) I get plenty of attention and interest shown to me.

 

As long as this guy wasn't adding to any insecurities you had before (actually commenting on your weight or paying too much attention to other women who were thin, etc.) things might be better the second time around because you like yourself better.

 

I don't think there's been a cultural change, because regardless of how much body positive messages are promoted now, I don't think it changes what people are attracted to. There may be more acceptance, or at least less tolerance of being unkind about it, but that doesn't change who someone is drawn to.

[act00]

A lot of it has to do with you and your self-confidence. Four dates lined up? If a lot of your hangups or the demise of your relationship were due to your insecurities, then I think this second try is going to be a good thing. If he didn't body shame you or treat you poorly...which people can change, but you'll know soon enough if you're walking into something that is bad news (again), and this time with confidence, you won't stick around too long if that's the case.

 

There are some more ads on TV with larger people and shows where not everyone is bone-thin, and there's definitely some shift, and I think this helps with positive body image, self-esteem and acceptance, but I think overall, this is you having a higher level of confidence and self-esteem in you.

[Real36]

I’ve been thinking about it and I agree with you all that it my own self- confidence is a big factor but on OLD men aren’t choosing to contact me based on confidence really, they’re looking at my pictures.

 

I’m beginning to think that this is the beginning of a shift in cultural norms. Is it possible that men have always been attracted to thick women but it’s been so taboo culturally that they didn’t act on it publicly?

 

I will say that I’ve had around a 7 married men reach out to me. I live in a area with many outdoor amenities so my city is full of climbers and athletes. Most of the men who reached out to me (not all) are in great physical shape and looking to spend some away from their wives with a woman my size. I have not accepted any of these offers and won’t in the future.

 

I read some research a few years ago about the biology of attraction and there was evidence that large breasts and hips signal fertility and that can trigger a biological response as “spreading the seed” is a sexual instinct. I’m wondering if that is a factor and men are more comfortable admitting it now.

Edited July 15, 2018 by Real36

[d0nnivain]

Confidence is a state of mind, not a number on a scale. You probably grew into your own skin. Preferring curves over rail thin isn't a fetish. It's a preference.

 

If you genuinely think you & your EX broke up in part because the negative energy you were projecting played a part in the demise of the relationship you can try again. For me it'd be a trigger & I'd quickly fall back into old unhealthy patterns.

 

Good for you for turning down the married jerks.

[Real36]

I’m going to delete this thread and I think my account on this forum because no one actually reads what I’m saying. I haven’t asked a single question or wanted advice about dating anyone. I know what I’m going to do. I’m asking for commentary on a social question and offering my thoughts and experiences. But all anyone can do is comment on my dating choices. I don’t think this forum is what I’m looking for when it comes to discussion and I can’t suffer it anymore.

[d0nnivain]

I didn't understand your Q to be about cultural norms. It really reads like you want to know if you should go back out with your EX.

 

Since you want to know about cultural norms, I think overall in America people are routinely getting heavier. Thus there are fewer rail thin people out there. Since everybody is generally heavier, everybody is more accepting of "thicker" people. Also you have aged since then. More weight is generally more acceptable the older you get. In addition there is something to be said about maturity. Kids can be mean. Once you get past a certain age, most folks learn diplomacy & tact.

 

I lost weight for my 50th birthday but it was hard. I had to really watch what I ate. I was generally hungry & cranky all the time. Then I went back to eating normally, gained it all back plus some but I have decided I'd rather be a fat, happy middle aged women then a skinny pissed off person.

 

Your point about fertility is probably valid. In addition if your weight gain caused your bra size to increase do not discount the value of cleavage to attract all these men.

 

If you still want to cut off your nose, to spite your face by quitting LS, that is your prerogative but it fails to recognize that a message board is an imperfect communications venue. Like texting it has zero context; no tone, no body language & as you are experiencing disconnects in getting your point across.

[ExpatInItaly]

I’m going to delete this thread and I think my account on this forum because no one actually reads what I’m saying. I haven’t asked a single question or wanted advice about dating anyone. I know what I’m going to do. I’m asking for commentary on a social question and offering my thoughts and experiences. But all anyone can do is comment on my dating choices. I don’t think this forum is what I’m looking for when it comes to discussion and I can’t suffer it anymore.

 

Given that you opened this thread by stating you were thinking of giving an ex a chance - and believing that your feelings about your weight contributed to that breakup - can you really blame posters here for responding to that part of your post as well? You then went on to connect your current weight and body shape to your dating life these days. So, it should come as no surprise posters are commenting on that too.

 

Perhaps think about the way your write your posts if you're only looking for feedback on specific element.

 

I don't see anyone here judging you, so it's too bad you're taking such a defensive posture.

[act00]

Real36, you posted on the dating forum with the idea of reconnecting with your ex. People are going to move in the dating direction, not the social norms of society or any shift in societal norms. That type of general question would probably be better served in the "general relationship discussion." I think everyone has tried to address your general question on social norms as well, but you posted in the forum geared towards dating...and dating advice is what ye shall receive. Don't block and delete so fast. We'd like you to stick around.

 

You bring up a good point that your confidence or self-esteem really doesn't play a role because this is online dating and these initial contacts are based on pictures alone, and hopefully they like your profile as well. I've had men tell me they prefer a little more "meat" or "fluff," and don't like the bones sticking out or feeling like they're going to break her. I have questioned the motives of men, as if fat women are desperate and an "easy lay." You hear things like "chubby chasers," which has an aura of "fetish" like you brought up earlier, or that there's something inherently wrong and embarrassing about preferring a "thick", well-rounded women. There are all walks of life and all types of motives. As a larger lady myself, I have been pleasantly surprised at the men who like what they see and want to get to know me, despite the fact I don't look like a supermodel and wear size triple-zero.

[introverted1]

If your question is about culture, then yes - being overweight is rapidly becoming socially acceptable. In addition, as people gain weight, the average weight for a given population moves up, which shifts perceptions of what is thin versus fat versus "normal." The average US woman is now 168.5 pounds and 5'4" with a 38" waist. This is just shy of being obese. In 1960, the average woman weighed 140 pounds, at pretty much the same height. People are getting bigger.