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I need to hear those words...


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Old 14th July 2018, 1:54 AM   #1
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I need to hear those words...

We've been together one year. I knew that I loved her after dating for a little over a month, though we had known each other longer. One day it simply hit me. When I told her, about two and a half months in, I did not hear it back nor did I expect to, though I could tell she was stunned and not turned away in the slightest.

We both come from long periods of being single, and being unlucky in relationships, but I'll be the first to admit that she was hurt a lot more than I was. Far more. So in that respect I understand some trepidation on her part.
We've packed a lot into the past year and have done it all. Met families, traveled, spend basically every weekend together, and had a very nice holiday season, which was important to us.

One night during the holidays when I was feeling a bit low, it did come up. She got a bit upset that I seemed to be expecting her to say it. We ended the conversation peacefully, and I felt better, but I still have not heard it.
She uses the word "care" a lot, has called me "my love" a few times, and, specifically in the above conversation, makes the point that her actions towards me should say something. They absolutely do. And I'm a bit more verbal in the emotions department than she is, but I can't help but feel that I need the words.

I know that I should be able to wait forever, but it is important to me that I hear it. I simply don't want to spend my life waiting if she'll never fully love me. And while I understand how badly she was hurt, is it fair that I'm paying for something over 15 years in her past?
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Old 14th July 2018, 2:31 AM   #2
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Talk is cheap. What do her actions say?
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Old 14th July 2018, 2:38 AM   #3
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Does she express the love to you? Meaning physically? Because some men and women just can't say the words past I care.. The words I love, I am in Love with you or Deeply emotional physically spiritually in love with you.

I like you
I care about you..
I love you
I am in love with you
Love you so much!

This is the issue I am having myself. Though I help so many on LS I am running into this as well. Can't force them to say past the I care about you.. You might have to wait until she can say what you want. I have learn they say it in a whisper.. Some here and other will say the girl or gal is not Truly into you yet. Or may never be? But if they can express the love holding hands, shoulder to arm holding giving you a kiss on the lips and not always on the cheek. That's another how does she kiss you? Does she turn around and you get her cheek instead of her lips. These are important signs to look out for.

I know I am with a tough woman but I like and care about her. Now the other words I've hold back because I too would like to hear them. After all the women I've dated there are some that just can't come out and say the word. Like you have to pull it out of them. But those of men who were raised by two loving parent from a loving family who was love by them can express physically and say the words to you. Women too but again if they never had such a loving family life or was damaged by bad/jerks/aggressive boy/men then that's another issue to deal with.

You said she was hurt how hurt and it has lasted 15 years? She needs some spiritual healing to get over that experience. I am romantic but I will not show full love or say the words until I hear it back because why waste the effort on someone that can't even say the words.

If they can say I love to their friends and they don't even say the word I love you too you the BF then there is a problem that we men have over look. If they argue when you confront them or try to blow it over then just maybe they're just not able to feel it like you do.

Are you having sex with this women? Or does she tell you she's not in the mood right now?
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Old 14th July 2018, 2:45 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by enigma32 View Post
Talk is cheap. What do her actions say?
No talk isn't cheap, her words should mean something. Her actions should speak for themselves. Words will ring into your ears, mind, and soul. Almost magical in a sense.. Makes you smile, makes you feel happy! It's a wonderful experience.
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Old 14th July 2018, 2:57 AM   #5
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Yes, actions are more important and meaningful than words most of the time, but if you need to hear the words (as I would), then don't settle for less. One year into a fully involved relationship, as you describe, is enough time for her to know if she loves you. Her inability to say so would be a problem for me.

So you have to decide if you're willing to settle for less than you want/need because I wouldn't hold out hope it will change.
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Old 14th July 2018, 3:01 AM   #6
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The problem is not that she does not say it. The problem is that she CANNOT say it. The only time I cannot say 'I love you' to a man, if asked to, is when I don't love him. Maybe if you wait longer, she will love you. Maybe not.
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Old 14th July 2018, 4:07 AM   #7
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No talk isn't cheap, her words should mean something. Her actions should speak for themselves. Words will ring into your ears, mind, and soul. Almost magical in a sense.. Makes you smile, makes you feel happy! It's a wonderful experience.
Talk is cheap if the words don't follow actions. I want to hear those words and feel those words as well.
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Old 14th July 2018, 4:35 AM   #8
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No talk isn't cheap, her words should mean something. Her actions should speak for themselves. Words will ring into your ears, mind, and soul. Almost magical in a sense.. Makes you smile, makes you feel happy! It's a wonderful experience.
This is what happens when you let your GF talk you into watching one too many chick flicks.

OP: Think about your relationship. Does your GF act like she loves you? To me, that's what matters. People say ILY all the time and it doesn't mean squat. Finding a woman that truly cares for you and treats you right is what is important, not a few words. I think that making a big deal to her over this sort of thing just makes you seem weak.
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Old 14th July 2018, 11:02 AM   #9
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Thank you all for the responses!

To answer a few things touched upon. Most of the time she does *seem* to, but I just canít be positive. We do have sex, though I know from years of experience that that has nothing to do with it. It was asked if she kisses me on the cheek or the lips. I donít think sheís ever kissed me on the cheek.

She does say ďlove youĒ to family members.

Itís just something that I need. She may very well be happy going on forever with someone that she feels very strongly for. I cannot. It will kill me enough inside that Iíve wasted a year already if sheís never going to feel as I do, but an ultimatum isnít fair to her or her feelings.
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Old 14th July 2018, 11:20 AM   #10
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Talking is very much an action. Try getting married without saying key words. Try speaking threatening words to someone or utter an intention to harm the president of the United States. Good luck in dismissing the power of words when those Secret Service agents arrive at your door.

"My love" ... man, I had a woman dump me and then she started to call me "my love." ... I asked her why she was saying that (thinking and hoping she had changed her mind).

She said, she says "my love" to lots of people. But she stopped saying that. She's a work colleague that I would run into a lot.

Do not give her a pass based on her previous bad experiences in relationship. If you want to help someone, be their friend. If you want to date someone, date someone who is healthy and ready for a relationship right now.

Here's a warning and this happened to a friend of mine. Sometimes people coming out of bad relationships, will date the next safe-sane person they meet ... They realize their "attraction radar" is off ... that they are drawn to bad people. So they deliberately date someone who checks a lot of safe boxes--even if that person isn't someone they're deeply attracted to.

So you could be the safe choice, the good guy ... Unfortunately, you may not be a guy she's really turned on by. And if she's not turned on by you (serious lust turn-on), then you are a high risk of being treated badly and dumped.
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Old 14th July 2018, 2:08 PM   #11
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She's definitely turned on by me...but I see your point as well. I think it's definitely going to have to come down to a discussion, which we have no problem doing, even if the result won't be what I truly want.
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Old 14th July 2018, 2:24 PM   #12
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If you two know each other well enough and feel this relationship has a solid foundation then she should be able to be honest with you and tell you why and what is holding her back from saying those words. Instead of getting upset she should own it and tell you. IMO she is cruel unfair selfish not to see how hurtful and worrisome this is to you. OP you have every right to have an explanation as to why. You need to grow a back bone and let her know how important this is for you and that you are not going to waste anymore time waiting. If it means ending it, it might be the right choice to make. I myself would never had waited this long.... I would have sent her butt down the road. But that’s me lol.
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Old 14th July 2018, 3:16 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by I'veseenbetterlol View Post
Talk is cheap if the words don't follow actions. I want to hear those words and feel those words as well.
You have it wrong, words and actions together means a 100%.. 50% for just the words. 50% for just the actions! love and showing means more than just the words alone. I am all about romance and you can't just tell me words are cheap. Say it and show it and feel it!
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Old 14th July 2018, 3:17 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by enigma32 View Post
This is what happens when you let your GF talk you into watching one too many chick flicks.

OP: Think about your relationship. Does your GF act like she loves you? To me, that's what matters. People say ILY all the time and it doesn't mean squat. Finding a woman that truly cares for you and treats you right is what is important, not a few words. I think that making a big deal to her over this sort of thing just makes you seem weak.
No it's not her it's me I want to hear the words and I have to show it and express it and feel it. She's here today and she's expressing the love all around where we go and so am I.. Love is wonderful!
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Old 14th July 2018, 3:19 PM   #15
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Thank you all for the responses!

To answer a few things touched upon. Most of the time she does *seem* to, but I just canít be positive. We do have sex, though I know from years of experience that that has nothing to do with it. It was asked if she kisses me on the cheek or the lips. I donít think sheís ever kissed me on the cheek.

She does say ďlove youĒ to family members.

Itís just something that I need. She may very well be happy going on forever with someone that she feels very strongly for. I cannot. It will kill me enough inside that Iíve wasted a year already if sheís never going to feel as I do, but an ultimatum isnít fair to her or her feelings.
Love you to friends and family is what you say to friends or family but to the one you love you say it with passion.. I love you then followed by I am in love with you. But she has to feel it to say it. Just can't say it if they don't feel it inside.. That's the point I am making here to you!
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