Improper grammar?

[SunnySide0418]

I've been dating a great guy for for almost 6 months. I've noticed lately I'm getting more and more turned off by him using improper grammar. For instance, he'll say "We was on a conference call" instead of were or he'll say no more instead of anymore and nothing instead of anything. He's actually a smart guy but this makes my skin crawl. He knows it drives me crazy and is trying to change it but it's to the point where I'm embarrassed to bring him around people for fear he'll say these things. It's embarrassing. Is this a valid issue or am I being unreasonable?

[carhill]

Is this both writing and speaking? Both casual and formal conversation?

[SunnySide0418]

It's always. Bad habit I guess. The was/were is definitely in writing. Not sure about the others. Maybe not the others.

[carhill]

I asked because my dad was a very formal speaker and writer (he worked for .gov decades ago) and I picked up some of his habits. He also never cussed, not even in private.

 

OTOH, some guys are very unstructured and casual, and that can be situational or global. As example, they may be formal and structured for their work if it requires it but more casual and free-flowing/incorrect away from the places it's required. Others are whatever all the time.

 

I view it the same way as a foul mouth. If it gets tedious over time and doesn't appear to be changing, make a decision on it. Most people won't change the way they communicate without substantial incentive. Can a life partner be that incentive? IDK. Depends.

[Doost]

I thought all the grammar Nazis were gone. My opinion is biased as my grammar is often poor. I would get over it.

[Cookiesandough]

I can't do it. I can't. That's in my top 5 deal breakers, right under "has committed murder".

[hippychick3]

I can't do it. I can't. That's in my top 5 deal breakers, right under "has committed murder".

 

Yep. Same here.

[Art_Critic]

Where I live we have a hands free law on phones in the car, meaning you cannot even touch a phone if you are the driver so I voice text and voice email thru an App called Android Auto..

 

You don't want to read one of my text messages while in the car..

I also have calloused fingers that I have a tough time texting without making tons of errors.. and when it comes to grammar, if someone doesn't like my informal communication and would make their skin crawl then I'd be all for removing them from my life.. much too busy of a guy to deal with all the BS that would create.

 

Now in person I don't have any grammar issues unless it is for the occasional brain fart and I don't make a fool of myself often and can't ever remember embarrassing my wife.

[preraph]

It would bother me too. I mean, it's a clear sign they weren't paying attention in school, so what would make you think they're going to pay attention at work or pay attention to you when they need to?

[Lotsgoingon]

If you're embarrassed to bring him around other people, then there is a problem.

 

It's easy to think of peer reaction as a petty standard. It can be petty if you don't accept the peers' standard. In this case, you have the standard yourself (good grammar) ... and you hold to the standard quite strongly (you're having a visceral negative reaction here).

 

So that's a sign that this may not be the guy for you.

 

And grammar is often a stand-in for other qualities: how educated someone is, how sophisticated they are, etc. Trust me: you don't want to spend energy in a relationship repressing your revulsion at this guy's grammar ...

 

And to go deeper, you really don't want this as an agenda/improvement item for him. That's unfair and cruel to him ... and completely unrealistic. I'm actually an English teacher, and I know that speaking grammar is quite hard to change once you're an adult. Either accept him as he is ... or let him go and find another person who isn't bothered by this trait. Do not assume his speech can or will change.

 

It's true that we're a much more informal society than before, and highly educated people will these days sprinkle their language with colloquialisms and slang--but highly educated people do this deliberately and intentionally. But your bf is not deliberately violating the standard for effect. This is how he speaks.

 

Not: I am not saying he is an unworthy person or that his speech makes him an unworthy partner. I'm simply saying that his speech unfortunately makes him an unworthy partner for you. And it's not necessarily snobbish to have this standard. It's reality to understand that you do have this standard, and it's unlikely you can drop it.

Edited July 13, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It would bother me too. I mean, it's a clear sign they weren't paying attention in school, so what would make you think they're going to pay attention at work or pay attention to you when they need to?

 

That's quite a stretch to make . Maybe they have a learning disability. Maybe they had crappy teachers. Maybe it's a regional thing.

 

I am a grammar nerd and perfect grammar gets my engines revving, but I think making the stretch to "he won't pay attention to me because he has imperfect grammar" is downright silly.

[lurker74]

Tough call. He's trying to change and unlike personality or being a douche, grammar can change.

 

On the other hand, has he ever said seen when he should have said saw? As in...I seen Avengers last week. It was awesome.

 

Because if he has, drop him like a bad habit!!!

[Gaeta]

First are you sure it's not the slang from where he was raise? I am sure he knows the proper grammar he just speaks like that out of habit. Have you spoken to his parents or siblings? Do they speak the same?

 

 

It would not embarrass me 1 bit. I am secure enough in who I am to love who I want without caring of what people will think.

[SunnySide0418]

Tough call. He's trying to change and unlike personality or being a douche, grammar can change.

 

On the other hand, has he ever said seen when he should have said saw? As in...I seen Avengers last week. It was awesome.

 

Because if he has, drop him like a bad habit!!!

 

He has now that I think about it! He's more small town than I am but not a stupid guy. Not sure how he got through college actually!

[SunnySide0418]

First are you sure it's not the slang from where he was raise? I am sure he knows the proper grammar he just speaks like that out of habit. Have you spoken to his parents or siblings? Do they speak the same?

 

 

It would not embarrass me 1 bit. I am secure enough in who I am to love who I want without caring of what people will think.

 

It's not so much what people think as what I think. It's just wrong. Who says was instead of were???

[Gaeta]

It's not so much what people think as what I think. It's just wrong. Who says was instead of were???

 

 

Each and every rap, R&B and country singers out there. You said yourself, he is from a small town, he knows it should be were instead of was but he grew up in that slang so that's what comes naturally to him. I find you quite condescending. If this aggravates you that much please set the poor man free.

[Art_Critic]

Honestly it just sounds like he is a country boy....

 

If how he talks makes your skin crawl then you need to move on, being so judgmental is anti relationship and it seems you need someone as refined as yourself.

In relationships people do and say some stuff that turns your head sideways at times but you either "water off a ducks back" with it or realize you aren't able to take it and leave...

 

I certainly would feel like about 1 inch tall if my wife or any of my past GF's had judged me with such a fine tooth comb... I'm about as human as they come....

[thefooloftheyear]

I have big hands and its difficult for me to text...If I am not using an actual keyboard, one would think I am either drunk or just had a stroke...To go back and correct it, would be just too tedious, so people will either have to accept it or ?? I mean, I am kind of an idiot, but not that kind of idiot...

 

Some people are just lazy about it, though....Or they think if they aren't talking street slang, then they just aren't "cool"...

 

TFY

[grays]

This is the kind of thing that would only bother me if I was finding him irritating in general. If I was crazy over him, I'd find it charming just because it was his style. If it started to bother me, I'd know it was over between us because I think I've got to be generous-hearted towards my partner if the relationship is going to work. And I'd see it more as a problem with me or how I was feeling than a problem with them.

[basil67]

I understand your dilemma - I couldn't do be with someone who had appalling grammar. Even my texts have correct grammar and punctuation.

 

However, with his grammar being so annoying, I'm wondering why you didn't end it after the first date. I'm guessing that it's not super frequent or you saw some really good qualities to make up for it.

[kendahke]

As long as he knows how to properly use modal verbs, I wouldn't sweat it.

 

 

If he doesn't, he's a scammer.

[act00]

I have to agree, I would have a very difficult time dealing with exceptionally poor grammar, and TBH, it creates an aura of uneducated, unsophisticated...sorry for sounding judgmental. Grammatical errors and slang happen, and there are professional settings, formal settings, and casual settings, and even in casual, I don't think I could tolerate a high level of botches from a SO...it would make my skin crawl. I'm glad he's trying, but long-term, I don't know. It seems so petty for this to be a deal-breaker, but it is and it can be.

 

Can it be changed and improved? I don't know. Adults have a harder time learning a new language than children and habits run deep and environment plays a role.

 

I don't see this preference as anything more petty than a preference of religion, dietary habits, fitness level, clean vs. sloppy, money management, etc. Most people can function with some "gray area" with acceptance of shortcomings, flaws, and compromise, but there's only so much stretch outside the personal boundaries and preferences that can take place...there's a breaking point.

 

Being fully embarrassed to bring him around people you know is really not a good thing for your relationship, and I think your feelings are valid. At least he's working to improve upon himself...we can all stand to improve. I have no real advice or solutions to your dilemma or relationship, but I appreciate what you're you're saying and support your concern.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I have to agree, I would have a very difficult time dealing with exceptionally poor grammar, and TBH, it creates an aura of uneducated, unsophisticated...sorry for sounding judgmental. Grammatical errors and slang happen, and there are professional settings, formal settings, and casual settings, and even in casual, I don't think I could tolerate a high level of botches from a SO...it would make my skin crawl. I'm glad he's trying, but long-term, I don't know. It seems so petty for this to be a deal-breaker, but it is and it can be.

 

Can it be changed and improved? I don't know. Adults have a harder time learning a new language than children and habits run deep and environment plays a role.

 

I don't see this preference as anything more petty than a preference of religion, dietary habits, fitness level, clean vs. sloppy, money management, etc. Most people can function with some "gray area" with acceptance of shortcomings, flaws, and compromise, but there's only so much stretch outside the personal boundaries and preferences that can take place...there's a breaking point.

 

Being fully embarrassed to bring him around people you know is really not a good thing for your relationship, and I think your feelings are valid. At least he's working to improve upon himself...we can all stand to improve. I have no real advice or solutions to your dilemma or relationship, but I appreciate what you're you're saying and support your concern.

 

This is my line of thinking as well. I don't care what anyone thinks, but I do not want to be embarrassed by my partner, I won't do that to him either. If he uses improper grammar, people will think he is not very smart no matter how smart he really is. When my ex said stupid things, it made me feel kinda strange in front of those people. See what happens and if nothing changes, you are not compatible.

[thefooloftheyear]

This is my line of thinking as well. I don't care what anyone thinks' date=' but I do not want to be embarrassed by my partner, I won't do that to him either. If he uses improper grammar, people will think he is not very smart no matter how smart he really is. When my ex said stupid things, it made me feel kinda strange in front of those people. See what happens and if nothing changes, you are not compatible.[/quote']

 

Eh...I dunno....I think some of you are being a bit harsh...If the guy is otherwise a good guy and treats you well, then I think its a bit much to call it a deal breaker, but to each their own..

 

When I think about it, some of the most accomplished people I know aren't always proper in their use of the language,,,,These are people that each and every day run major businesses and deal with big banks, contractors, lawyers, etc...

 

I mean, really, how might some of you react, if a guy made a post that their w/gf's amorphous ass was embarrassing them? My guess is he'd get crushed for being shallow and inconsiderate, no?

 

TFY

[JDJ]

My wife came from a distant land far far away. Just as my speech in her language contains clear grammatical defects, hers retains some inexplicable oddities. If it is something that continues to bother you, then you are not in love with that person enough to overlook these things.

 

What if your partner insisted on wearing Crocs to any and all events? Would that be ok? Could be a dealbreaker for some people.

 

I think it's ok to drop someone for any reason - it doesn't have to make sense to the world - if it continues to bother you.

 

On the other hand, I have heard of some successful relationships where the spouse is hidden away (of their own free will, of course) in a completely separate world from friends and family, and yet it works. Again, it is a personal decision.