Personality Types in a Relationship

[shydad]

Hi all, I have been wondering how important it is that personality types match in a relationship. Can anyone share what has worked for them, and what hasn't?

 

I've heard conflicting ideas. On one hand, having the same personality type is something shared in common. Yet, I've been told opposites can "compliment each other". I suspect that it's false that opposites compliment each other, but thought I'd ask people who know more about this than I do.

 

I ask this because I'm pretty introverted, and have been hoping to find a woman who is like myself, but it seems to be an unusual trait, or rarely mentioned.

 

Thank you!

[Eternal Sunshine]

My ideal match would be a male version of myself. The more we have in common, the better. I am introvert and my huge preference in friends and dates are other introverts.

[basil67]

A vote here for opposites compliment each other. Hubby and I share the same morals and ethics, but the way we organise, socialise and go about life are generally different.

 

He's a bit lazy and I'm a bit impulsive, so we equal out each other

He's extrovert and I'm introvert. He's sobered up a bit and I'm going out having fun more than I used to

He's laid back about stuff and I tend to worry...but his relaxed approach something I'm learning to take on.

 

I think we fit together like a jigsaw with one offering things the other one doesn't.

[MaleIntuition]

Introversion is often confused with shyness and/or social anxiety - it’s also not “considered” as positive as extroversion, so it’s probably hidden a bit more.

 

In jungian typology, popularised by MBTI, your personality is a function of your preferred cognitive functions. The common 4-letter notation eg. ESFJ, describes the order of these cognitive preferences: Fe, Si, Ne, Ti. According to the theory we developed these cognitive abilities when/if we mature. The first function is your superstar: Fe (extroverted feelings) thrives in group settings and are excellent at reading the mood of others. The second function is your “trusty assistant”: Si (internal sensation) deals with internal sensations and has a preference for the traditional. The third function is your “child” - others might see this function manifest as slightly immature and, childish. Ne, extroverted intuition deals in the world of possibilities and forming new ideas. Lastly we have the forth function which is somewhat suppressed. Ti, internal thinking, is mostly about logical decision making, math etc.

 

I think a lot of personalities can work well together, but I also think some matches are much more natural than others. The child function, for example, is often our preferred way of receiving comfort when we are down - while our preferred method of giving comfort to others is our second function. So, when the ESFJ is down he or she would probably like to be reminded of future possibilities and perhaps receive some aid in seeing the upside (so you broke up - think about all the guys out there!). And when the ESFJ are trying to cheer someone up they would probably talk about past happy memories or even take the person out to do something familiar.

 

Following the above line of thinking an ESFJ would match well with someone whom has Ne as second function: INTP (Ti, Ne, Si, Fe) and INFP (Fi, Ne, Si, Te). Not sure how the Fi/Fe match would work in practice though. Personally I would place my bet on the first one: INTP and ESFJ, they share all functions but have them in different order which means that they can definitely learn from, and compliment, each other.

 

tl/dr - I don’t think the best matches have the same personality.

[basil67]

Introversion is often confused with shyness and/or social anxiety - it’s also not “considered” as positive as extroversion, so it’s probably hidden a bit more.

 

This ^

 

I'm most definitely an introvert, but I can pull a party out of myself when required. I'm not shy, I don't have anxiety, I just appreciate a couple of drinks and need and a big break afterwards. During the Christmas silly season, I can manage about half the functions and don't ask anything of me between Boxing Day and New Year's Eve.

[central]

Meyers-Briggs types have been very useful to me. How they can be used to help gauge compatibility can be found in the book "Please Understand Me II."

 

It turns out that my ex wasn't a compatible type, and all the good dates I had after her were all the same basic type (yes, I asked many to do the questionnaire in the book, or online). What it really comes down to is that there are two basic world view and communication styles: the concrete, and the abstract. They seldom mix well with each other, which often leads to misunderstanding and friction. There are four core types, two in each set. xSFx and xSTx (concrete) work well together, and xNFx and xNTx (abstract) go well together. I - and all my good dates - were in the second group.

 

The abstract type is far less common in the population, so if you are the abstract type and have trouble finding good dates, it may be that you are mostly encountering the concrete type.

 

Of course, many other factors make for a good relationship, but this is a very useful tool and goes to the core of what makes people compatible - or not.

[Gaeta]

BF and I both have strong personalities but it works, he's more extroverted than I am. I am highly logic and he's the spontaneous one. Where one lacks the other compensate. We have tons of differences from being from different race and culture. I think common values are pretty high up there for a relationship to work. If you don't have the same values than having matching personalities won't help you much. Mix some common values, add respect and consideration and you're set even with different personalities.

[No_Go]

I can't emphasize what a difference it makes. IME, I just don't mesh with xSF/Tx types. No matter how much in common we have, friction is there.

 

I'm INTJ, BF I believe is ENFP and this works great. The reason it worked so great for us I think is the lack of need to be explanatory ALL the time as all xSxx people I dated or interacted wanted to be. Here we rely a lot on intuition and it rarely fails.

 

That's my preferred mode of interaction in context of relationships and other (work, family etc... I'm not too lucky because most of my family are ISFPs :/... so we don't think in a compatible way).

 

 

Meyers-Briggs types have been very useful to me. How they can be used to help gauge compatibility can be found in the book "Please Understand Me II."

 

It turns out that my ex wasn't a compatible type, and all the good dates I had after her were all the same basic type (yes, I asked many to do the questionnaire in the book, or online). What it really comes down to is that there are two basic world view and communication styles: the concrete, and the abstract. They seldom mix well with each other, which often leads to misunderstanding and friction. There are four core types, two in each set. xSFx and xSTx (concrete) work well together, and xNFx and xNTx (abstract) go well together. I - and all my good dates - were in the second group.

 

The abstract type is far less common in the population, so if you are the abstract type and have trouble finding good dates, it may be that you are mostly encountering the concrete type.

 

Of course, many other factors make for a good relationship, but this is a very useful tool and goes to the core of what makes people compatible - or not.

[No_Go]

My ideal match would be a male version of myself. The more we have in common, the better. I am introvert and my huge preference in friends and dates are other introverts.

 

Do you know your Myers Briggs? I strongly believe you're an abstract type (INxx) which may explain why most men don't work for you. N/S IMO is more of a dealbreaker than E/I.

[carhill]

I don't know about mesh but my exW came from an abusive childhood and she expressed appreciation often that I wasn't coarse and overbearing in our M. Neither was she overbearing and critical, so we fit pretty well in that regard. However, that said, she sometimes did express frustration that I didn't understand certain realities because of my 'Beaver Cleaver' upbringing. Probably right. I know/knew little of drama and abuse.

 

Nowadays I go with the flow and don't really analyze women like I'm going to be married for life and raising children with them. If we get on, cool, that's nice. If it changes, it was nice. People change throughout life, even personality characteristics or at minimum demonstrated behaviors which can be influenced by many factors. I don't sweat it anymore.

[smackie9]

I'm more picky about interests. He has to be a car guy that drinks beer. That's my starting point. I don't like extremes like compulsive behavior, or total shyness....those are my deal breakers. I am matched in some ways with my husband, and there are other things we are the opposite. It works to be a little of both.

Edited July 13, 2018 by smackie9

[Lotsgoingon]

I would say you don't have to figure this out on an abstract level.

 

Instead, just go out with people and notice who seems like a good fit for you and who doesn't.

 

There might be an extroverted person who is fine with you being quiet ... and you're fine with her extroversion. Take the same level of extroversion and you and the other person might not feel comfortable with each other.

 

You might be inspired by one person's extroversion because of the full package that person offers ... and you might be suffocated by another person's extroversion.

 

You might find someone even more introverted than you are and find yourself becoming more outgoing just to create some individuality. Or you might find an extroverted partner who grew up among screaming loud-mouths and thus the person loves that you're quiet and thoughtful.

 

Trial and error ... You just sorta how to see how you and the other person fit.

[preraph]

I think when you're on an extreme end of the spectrum, you need someone similar to you. A real social outgoing person would be bored and frustrated with someone who didn't like to go do things and wasn't social.

 

But if you're both middle of the spectrum, more or less, with one leaning slightly one way and you the other, I don't think that matters as much. The fact you're worried about it tells me you are probably on the high end of the spectrum though with that trait and do need to find someone on the same wavelength. Good luck. I hope your introversion doesn't stop you from getting out and doing things to meet someone. Like if I was an introvert (and I do have some leanings), here where I live, I'd hang out at the huge bookstore that sells used books and is always packed and crazy busy, yes, even in the internet age. Lots of introverts like to read. An easy connection if you see them picking up a book you've read to comment on it. A good part-time job just to meet others.

[J21]

There's no one "right" answer. It all depends on what it is.

 

 

I'm a very detailed oriented guy, but my SO is not. Sometimes it's hard to plan because I'm specific, and she is not.

 

 

On the flip side, she is outgoing/adventurous, but me--not so much. Her adventurous personality makes things fun for me and I get to experience new things I would probably not do myself.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Do you know your Myers Briggs? I strongly believe you're an abstract type (INxx) which may explain why most men don't work for you. N/S IMO is more of a dealbreaker than E/I.

 

 

I love Myer Briggs. I am INFP, and don't get along with S types at all. Even co-workers and family members that are Sx are difficult to talk to.

[thefooloftheyear]

Opposites attract only work with magnets...

 

TFY

[coolheadal]

Hi all, I have been wondering how important it is that personality types match in a relationship. Can anyone share what has worked for them, and what hasn't?

 

I've heard conflicting ideas. On one hand, having the same personality type is something shared in common. Yet, I've been told opposites can "compliment each other". I suspect that it's false that opposites compliment each other, but thought I'd ask people who know more about this than I do.

 

I ask this because I'm pretty introverted, and have been hoping to find a woman who is like myself, but it seems to be an unusual trait, or rarely mentioned.

 

Thank you!

 

I pride myself to learn about this as well. Sure we are all not equally the same in and out yet we all share a common goal in life. To find that in another person say for me a female has been a challenge at best. I've met a woman who is the same like myself in many ways of thinking.

 

I deem myself as Thinker as personality trait. Sure there are Entertainer, Controller, Feeler as well. Should I base my choices on these 4 or should I got by the Zodiac signs. I am Virgo man should I be with a Virgo woman. I've dated 3 women with the Virgo sign. The end result was the same just didn't pan out. Virgo and Cancer nope the same end turns up. Virgo with a Pisces, Virgo and Leo, Virgo and Libra now this where I am with the current GF. The Leo never worked out.. Libra kinda seems to work yet online Zodiac signs said a different story. I had major in Zodiac still the traits for Virgo are are on the dime.

 

At my new job there is a girl who acts and thinks like me we are both Thinkers, just too bad her ideal life is no kids and no family outside her own. So in other words she might never get married or settle down. She doesn't like too cook either. I cook and do it all. So some traits with her stand out. I believe what we all want might never be had. Just be with who you deem that is a match but not your equal. Work with the relationship and see what happens. Everyone is going to argue and there are times you have fun playing and dancing.. Sometimes you look the other way and yet you see them smiling at you when you do. Should you here the works I love you, I am in love with you 24/7 no not saying that. But if they care to text you daily and call you up just to hear your voice. Should something happen to you your life is gone they will be sad and cry. This all you can expect from each other now. The rest is up to you both. I stay open minded as you just never know what will happen with anyone you are with. I am happy today and try to be that way. I want my life to be fun, playful and exciting. Staying positive helps in my daily life-cycle.

[MaleIntuition]

I can't emphasize what a difference it makes. IME, I just don't mesh with xSF/Tx types. No matter how much in common we have, friction is there.

 

I'm INTJ, BF I believe is ENFP and this works great. The reason it worked so great for us I think is the lack of need to be explanatory ALL the time as all xSxx people I dated or interacted wanted to be. Here we rely a lot on intuition and it rarely fails.

 

That's my preferred mode of interaction in context of relationships and other (work, family etc... I'm not too lucky because most of my family are ISFPs :/... so we don't think in a compatible way).

His functional stack is: Ne Fi Te Si. Yours is: Ni Te Fi Se. Notice how your third function is his second and vice versa? I would argue that this is the optimal match for you you based on my theory. I’m actually fairly certain that I DID write something similar 8 or so month ago?

 

Another interesting interesting similarity in this match is that your reasoning and communication styles (Fi/Te) are similar but your data gathering functions are different; my guess is therefore that you should be able to have different viewpoints yet be able to understand each other fairly well.

 

However I disagree with the theory that says intuitives works best with intuitives. That’s to much of a simplification and I can understand why someone would draw such a conclusion, but for example ESFJ with INTP/INFP ought to work very well if they ever managed to find one another...

[central]

However I disagree with the theory that says intuitives works best with intuitives. That’s to much of a simplification and I can understand why someone would draw such a conclusion, but for example ESFJ with INTP/INFP ought to work very well if they ever managed to find one another...

 

And I'll have to disagree with you on this. My ex was ESFJ to my INTJ, and we were oil and water. Bad, bad match. All my best dates and relationships have been xNFx types - so experience matches with theory, as far as I've seen.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

A vote here for opposites compliment each other. Hubby and I share the same morals and ethics, but the way we organise, socialise and go about life are generally different.

 

He's a bit lazy and I'm a bit impulsive, so we equal out each other

He's extrovert and I'm introvert. He's sobered up a bit and I'm going out having fun more than I used to

He's laid back about stuff and I tend to worry...but his relaxed approach something I'm learning to take on.

 

I think we fit together like a jigsaw with one offering things the other one doesn't.

 

Not all opposites equal out each other. My ex had opposing religious/political beliefs and that is something that is extremely hard to compromise. If two people are reasonable, it can work. My ex was not open minded to other views and I would listen to him rant about how my political beliefs were dumb just because they opposed his. I'm very hesitant to date someone opposite of me.

[MaleIntuition]

And I'll have to disagree with you on this. My ex was ESFJ to my INTJ, and we were oil and water. Bad, bad match. All my best dates and relationships have been xNFx types - so experience matches with theory, as far as I've seen.

 

That particular match doesn’t sound good at all, notice how you guys don’t share a single cognitive preference: Ni, Te, Fi, Se vs Fe, Si, Ne, Ti. If you where to date a S-dominant type; a better attempt would be an ESFP: Se, Fi, Te, Ni. Although it might not be optimal, but that depends on how much you guys have developed your fourth function.

 

The reason I’m saying it’s a bit simplistic to just look at the two letters in the middle is because of how big a difference it makes when you switch the last or the first letter.

[OatsAndHall]

There's one personality "type" that I haven't hit it off with; I don't mesh well with extremely extroverted, social butterflies. It really just comes down to lifestyle differences in that regard; I don't tend to enjoy large social gatherings and I don't feel the need to fill my weekend with them. I have dated a few women who were out and about all weekend long; social event after social event, I found it exhausting and these relationships never lasted. They were nice enough women but their lifestyle just isn't my cup of tea.

 

 

 

I do enjoy women with personality similar to my own; more introverted and laid back.

[5x5]

I'm INTJ, BF I believe is ENFP and this works great. The reason it worked so great for us I think is the lack of need to be explanatory ALL the time as all xSxx people I dated or interacted wanted to be. Here we rely a lot on intuition and it rarely fails.

 

My wife is also an INTJ while I am an ENTJ, and so far we have both enjoyed a splendid 22+ year sexual relationship together (19+ year marriage).

 

It has been very easy for us to be together.

[No_Go]

His functional stack is: Ne Fi Te Si. Yours is: Ni Te Fi Se. Notice how your third function is his second and vice versa? I would argue that this is the optimal match for you you based on my theory. I’m actually fairly certain that I DID write something similar 8 or so month ago?

 

Another interesting interesting similarity in this match is that your reasoning and communication styles (Fi/Te) are similar but your data gathering functions are different; my guess is therefore that you should be able to have different viewpoints yet be able to understand each other fairly well.

 

However I disagree with the theory that says intuitives works best with intuitives. That’s to much of a simplification and I can understand why someone would draw such a conclusion, but for example ESFJ with INTP/INFP ought to work very well if they ever managed to find one another...

 

Yup, I believe you wrote this a while ago. And it does make sense - p retty much to the T of what you described.

 

Regarding ESFJ - I'm not sure I have met one, generally the reasoning of S types grates on me...

[salparadise]

I'm INTJ, BF I believe is ENFP and this works great.

 

ENFP and INTJ are considered an ideal match by the widely accepted theory... which prefers the primary function to be the same but opposite i/e expressions (your Ni with his Ne). Usually we think of the man being the rational and the woman the feeler, because it fits the common gender stereotypes, but in reality it works either way. Congratulations. Marry him, they're hard to find.

 

However I disagree with the theory that says intuitives works best with intuitives. That’s to much of a simplification and I can understand why someone would draw such a conclusion...

 

Is there a systematic explanation of how you do the matching such that you end up with iNtuitives and Sensors being great matches?

 

I've always subscribed to the theory that prefers matching the dominant function but with opposite i/e expression. I am INTJ as well, and it's almost like I can smell the difference. Ask a question about an idea or system to a N and you get a lively discussion... ask the same question to a S and you get an eye-roll and a comment about something needing to be dusted. So, like Central, I have assumed that my best matches will always be xNFx types, and experience has pretty well confirmed it––married and divorced an ESFP, now dating NF when I can find them, and wishing for an ENFP.