Should I treat men badly to get what I want?!

[MintyMermaid]

This is a rant. I know the title is odd, but that's exactly what I thought after another flop romance.

 

My biggest problem: I like intimacy and making my man feel good makes me feel good, so I open up and treat him like a king. I guess I expect him to appreciate that and treat me like a queen. Instead, guys forget every single doubt they've ever had about my feelings or whether or not they're good enough, and they start believing in themselves too much, without an ounce of reciprocation.

 

What I want: easy-going, honest and caring relationship where we have fun and tons of sex.

 

What I get: someone who, after two months with me, becomes uncaring and believes he's a demigod, because I don't make problems or throw tantrums, I split the bill most of the time, I'm easy-going and don't use promises of sex to get gifts... I guess that's boring to all the men I've dated.

 

Treat them mean to keep them keen, is that really all that's needed? Do I have to be a slavedriver bitch to be treated good?

[Gaeta]

There is nothing wrong in treating 'your' man like a king when the relationship is secure and both parties have proven their love to each other and that has not happened after only 2 months dating.

 

When you start a new relationship you should allow normal escalation and not skip steps. Let the man take you out on proper dates, don't invite him to sleep over too soon, start with 1-2 date a week and escalate it to 3 and 4 later. Don't give 100% of your time right away.

 

It took 4 months dating for my bf and I to spend all of our weekends together. I was dating him but kept a big chunck of my life still running without him. It's actually one of the aspect that attracted him, I had a full life and didn't make eveything about him. Now after 2,5 years dating we spend 100% of our free time together and we are each other main priority, that is normal at 2,5 years, not 2 months.

 

 

.

Edited July 12, 2018 by Gaeta

[Chilli]

Well , if she treats me mean she gets dumped.

So nope , don't listen to the bs.

There's usually a lot more involved you can't see when you see someone getting away with that, or the consequences just haven't happened yet,

But they will.

 

To me it's more a question of who you give yourself too , it's gotta be someone worthy , and like minded.

[todreaminblue]

maybe it works for women who are naturally that way...it seems to ...i can personally think of quite a few cases where men being treated badly makes them seem to chase more....

 

what gaeta sadi about not giving all your time ,definite sure thing sex and effort early on makes sense.....its hard to be a giver in a nothing for nothing world....a lot of people dont understand or have doubts about very giving people.....and a lot of people will take advantage of very giving people as well.....including unscrupulous men....

 

its really hard to hold back when you really want to give....when your main aim in life is to be the source of happiness and comfort to others....and to give unlimited to a significant other who deserves the kind of caring you can give...

 

deserving is key....

 

like you i want to give and give just to give what i can.....and am able to give...i guess what differs now with me is i want to give to a man who is deserving and friends who are deserving who actually care for me the way i care for them ...give to people also who appreciate my giving....who see....me for who i am.........

 

 

in my opinion getting to know someone pretty well before you date....will determine if they are worthy of the giving part....if they have a genuine heart that is honest and caring

 

i believe with all my own heart that to be a long lasting relationship both parties have to be true to themselves from the very beginning....and to prevent scars and hurts and wounds from being giving...its better to know the heart of someone before you even date them but most of all to remember givers also deserve to be given too.....and not just taken from......

 

never make a man king of your heart.....or you will lose....who you are....

 

and you will lose the joy of making people feel good....that is yours to rule...to have...and to hold onto...do not let a man change your generous spirit..stay the same...

 

\..find the man who deserves to know he is blessed to share your life and heart with you..

 

do not give your heart and body to just any man,.keep your heart and body safe and treasured.....you are too special for that...remember that last fact if nothing else that i have written.....take care.......deb

Edited July 12, 2018 by todreaminblue

[Zippy2000]

Could you tell us a bit more of your flop romance? How many you had?

 

 

The reason I ask is maybe you`re choosing the wrong men? Maybe your moving to fast and the men have got what they want.

[CloudyHead]

It's been my experience that a relationship based on sex does not last. You need a connection outside of the bedroom. Also, I'm not sure what you mean by treating a man like a king; however, if that means you submit yourself to doing things he wants to do and agreeing to everything he says or does, then no wonder the relationship does not last. If a man genuinely cares about you, then he is interested in your thoughts and needs and not his own all the time. Just a thought.

[stillafool]

maybe it works for women who are naturally that way...it seems to ...i can personally think of quite a few cases where men being treated badly makes them seem to chase more....

 

 

I agree with this. Some women are naturally ball busters and these are the only women that can get away with this because they aren't trying. They just are.

[d0nnivain]

No you should not treat anyone badly. What you probably need to learn to do is treat yourself better. You say you are very giving in a relationship & you treat your partners well. That is how you see yourself. From an objective outside perspective, it's probably more like you become a doormat with no self respect. You rush to do everything for the other person & don't allow him to do anything for you. When you get treated badly or more likely carelessly you let it slide. Thus the guy thinks you have no self respect & loses interest in you or worse takes advantage of your good nature.

 

 

It's almost counter intuitive but I'm going to tell you 2 stories.

 

 

1. A group of my friends were complaining that their BFs never opened the door for them but always seemed to do it for me. I hadn't noticed but decided to pay attention. When I get to a door with a man I hesitate for a second . . .not overly long like entitled but just enough to give him time / space to grab the door if he's so inclined but no so long that I can't open it myself fluidly. Most men open the door. Then I wanted my friends. Nearing a door even if they were a step or two behind the guy, they'd barrel ahead in a rough, pushy way to make sure they were able to grab that door & open it. They never gave the guy a chance. Most men recognize this as women who don't want the door opened for them for whatever reason. They certainly aren't going to "fight" a woman for the door & cause a scene. When I suggested to the women that they learn to hesitate, their BFs opened the door.

 

 

2. Another friend complained that her BF never paid for dinner when they went out. He seemed like a generous guy to me & had a good job so this didn't make sense to me. She invited me to tag along on a dinner date. After the meal was finished, he got up to use the facilities. While he was gone, the waitress came with the check. My GF explained that here again she was stuck with the check & pulled out her card to pay. I asked if she had ever let the bill sit there until he came back from the bathroom. She said no. I suggested that she leave it & we'd see what happens. He came back saw the check & grabbed it off the table. He thanked me & explained that he hadn't known what to do because she always paid the check when he was in the men's room & despite him asking my friend to let it sit there until he got back she just paid it & got mad at him.

 

So MintyMermaid -- my advice to you is dial it back. Don't pick fights or be mean but do see what a man will do for you before you elevate him to king or demi-god.

[carhill]

Treat yourself better, not men worse, and work on your resting bitch face. Selective use can help. No words necessary.

[coolheadal]

This is a rant. I know the title is odd, but that's exactly what I thought after another flop romance.

 

My biggest problem: I like intimacy and making my man feel good makes me feel good, so I open up and treat him like a king. I guess I expect him to appreciate that and treat me like a queen. Instead, guys forget every single doubt they've ever had about my feelings or whether or not they're good enough, and they start believing in themselves too much, without an ounce of reciprocation.

 

What I want: easy-going, honest and caring relationship where we have fun and tons of sex.

 

What I get: someone who, after two months with me, becomes uncaring and believes he's a demigod, because I don't make problems or throw tantrums, I split the bill most of the time, I'm easy-going and don't use promises of sex to get gifts... I guess that's boring to all the men I've dated.

 

Treat them mean to keep them keen, is that really all that's needed? Do I have to be a slavedriver bitch to be treated good?

 

So are you telling us you want to date A NICE GUY! But instead you choose the AGGRESSIVE GUY! This type will do what you described because they really don't give a dam! They only care about themselves and what they want. Forget what you want, love, respect, a long-term relationship. No they more into watching the game, yelling from a across the room get me my beer! Where is my dinner you haven'd done anything today. The house is dirty etc..This is what most women like and they're so use to that sort. But these men are lover you just can't get away from. Hard sex and more. I am not going to much into detail but brute way of love. I ran into so many of these type where woman enjoy those men traits. So you seem to want more but yet settle for a guy that doesn't care about lovey dovey romance.

[MintyMermaid]

There is nothing wrong in treating 'your' man like a king when the relationship is secure and both parties have proven their love to each other and that has not happened after only 2 months dating.

 

When you start a new relationship you should allow normal escalation and not skip steps. Let the man take you out on proper dates, don't invite him to sleep over too soon, start with 1-2 date a week and escalate it to 3 and 4 later. Don't give 100% of your time right away.

 

It took 4 months dating for my bf and I to spend all of our weekends together. I was dating him but kept a big chunck of my life still running without him. It's actually one of the aspect that attracted him, I had a full life and didn't make eveything about him. Now after 2,5 years dating we spend 100% of our free time together and we are each other main priority, that is normal at 2,5 years, not 2 months.

 

 

.

 

I do have a full life and I'm not pestering the guys I date 24/7. We message 2-3 times a week and meet once per week. But when we are together, I feel I need the intimacy and I feel the need to be super-nice, even if we've only known each other for a short time.

 

And what is "too soon" to invite him for getting intimate? I hate it when we only look at humans like only men want sex and women just "give it" whenever they find convenient... I want it as much as the next person.

 

No you should not treat anyone badly. What you probably need to learn to do is treat yourself better. You say you are very giving in a relationship & you treat your partners well. That is how you see yourself. From an objective outside perspective, it's probably more like you become a doormat with no self respect. You rush to do everything for the other person & don't allow him to do anything for you. When you get treated badly or more likely carelessly you let it slide. Thus the guy thinks you have no self respect & loses interest in you or worse takes advantage of your good nature.

 

 

It's almost counter intuitive but I'm going to tell you 2 stories.

 

 

1. A group of my friends were complaining that their BFs never opened the door for them but always seemed to do it for me. I hadn't noticed but decided to pay attention. When I get to a door with a man I hesitate for a second . . .not overly long like entitled but just enough to give him time / space to grab the door if he's so inclined but no so long that I can't open it myself fluidly. Most men open the door. Then I wanted my friends. Nearing a door even if they were a step or two behind the guy, they'd barrel ahead in a rough, pushy way to make sure they were able to grab that door & open it. They never gave the guy a chance. Most men recognize this as women who don't want the door opened for them for whatever reason. They certainly aren't going to "fight" a woman for the door & cause a scene. When I suggested to the women that they learn to hesitate, their BFs opened the door.

 

 

2. Another friend complained that her BF never paid for dinner when they went out. He seemed like a generous guy to me & had a good job so this didn't make sense to me. She invited me to tag along on a dinner date. After the meal was finished, he got up to use the facilities. While he was gone, the waitress came with the check. My GF explained that here again she was stuck with the check & pulled out her card to pay. I asked if she had ever let the bill sit there until he came back from the bathroom. She said no. I suggested that she leave it & we'd see what happens. He came back saw the check & grabbed it off the table. He thanked me & explained that he hadn't known what to do because she always paid the check when he was in the men's room & despite him asking my friend to let it sit there until he got back she just paid it & got mad at him.

 

So MintyMermaid -- my advice to you is dial it back. Don't pick fights or be mean but do see what a man will do for you before you elevate him to king or demi-god.

 

Thanks for the stories, they kind of help conveying your idea. I have a hard time dialing back. Most of my life I've been in relationships which lack emotion and affection, and now the slightest sign of someone caring triggers me to hold on for dear life. I will try to follow your advice, tho.

 

So are you telling us you want to date A NICE GUY! But instead you choose the AGGRESSIVE GUY! This type will do what you described because they really don't give a dam! They only care about themselves and what they want. Forget what you want, love, respect, a long-term relationship. No they more into watching the game, yelling from a across the room get me my beer! Where is my dinner you haven'd done anything today. The house is dirty etc..This is what most women like and they're so use to that sort. But these men are lover you just can't get away from. Hard sex and more. I am not going to much into detail but brute way of love. I ran into so many of these type where woman enjoy those men traits. So you seem to want more but yet settle for a guy that doesn't care about lovey dovey romance.

 

I've never dated the guy you describe, I don't like aggressive types. I've been with the proverbial "nice guys" that take you home to meet their mother and all that. It's the same. Some of them have been very shy and quiet, too.

[d0nnivain]

Thanks for the stories, they kind of help conveying your idea. I have a hard time dialing back. Most of my life I've been in relationships which lack emotion and affection, and now the slightest sign of someone caring triggers me to hold on for dear life. I will try to follow your advice, tho..

 

 

There is your problem. You see yourself as being nice in the relationship. They perceive you as being clingy & needy. It's a matter of perspective but you do need to dial it back. Sit back & think to yourself I'm a good catch; let's see what this person can prove to me that they are worth my time, effort & generosity. Don't be mean but do let them prove their value 1st.

[coolheadal]

I do have a full life and I'm not pestering the guys I date 24/7. We message 2-3 times a week and meet once per week. But when we are together, I feel I need the intimacy and I feel the need to be super-nice, even if we've only known each other for a short time.

 

And what is "too soon" to invite him for getting intimate? I hate it when we only look at humans like only men want sex and women just "give it" whenever they find convenient... I want it as much as the next person.

 

 

 

Thanks for the stories, they kind of help conveying your idea. I have a hard time dialing back. Most of my life I've been in relationships which lack emotion and affection, and now the slightest sign of someone caring triggers me to hold on for dear life. I will try to follow your advice, tho.

 

 

 

I've never dated the guy you describe, I don't like aggressive types. I've been with the proverbial "nice guys" that take you home to meet their mother and all that. It's the same. Some of them have been very shy and quiet, too.

 

So you don't have the jerks, bad boys, aggressive fools. But nice guys are shy and quiet. Dashing lovers but they're so few of them around. Out in the real world the choices are few. You nice to you being shy/quiet, then what do you date or who are you dating.. If you don't want the bad/jerks.. Who is not giving you love, respect and wants?

[40somethingGuy]

There is nothing wrong in treating 'your' man like a king when the relationship is secure and both parties have proven their love to each other and that has not happened after only 2 months dating.

 

When you start a new relationship you should allow normal escalation and not skip steps. Let the man take you out on proper dates, don't invite him to sleep over too soon, start with 1-2 date a week and escalate it to 3 and 4 later. Don't give 100% of your time right away.

 

It took 4 months dating for my bf and I to spend all of our weekends together. I was dating him but kept a big chunck of my life still running without him. It's actually one of the aspect that attracted him, I had a full life and didn't make eveything about him. Now after 2,5 years dating we spend 100% of our free time together and we are each other main priority, that is normal at 2,5 years, not 2 months.

 

 

.

This is a really good point. Before my wife, I remember dating a few women that I could tell really were into me. It was nice for sure being wanted. However, it seemed that they were willing to let their lives revolve around me and it frankly was a lot of pressure. Pressure like 'what if she doesn't have a hobby or gives them up to spend all her free time with me?' I still had my things that I enjoyed, my identity if you will. Gaeta's approach is much better. Plus, neither side should not give the impression that the other is their life at the moment. Strong relationships start by having some craving for more but that takes time.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

Treat them mean to keep them keen, is that really all that's needed? Do I have to be a slavedriver bitch to be treated good?

 

If you really believe this, try it and see how it works out for you.

[todreaminblue]

I agree with this. Some women are naturally ball busters and these are the only women that can get away with this because they aren't trying. They just are.

 

i agree with you

just as there are selfish uncaring men...there are selfish uncaring women.there just is..they just are...there are enough caring people to not to have to hook up with uncaring ones who seem to like beingtreated mean....there has to be a balance or its anarchy and chaos.....i really dont feel op changing to suit and not being true to how she wants to be.... to keep a guy interested and keen sounds like an unhappy life to possibly lead nor realistic or logical for a warm and loving relationship....and would only cause her more unhappiness.

 

i also feel a lot of men think keeping a girl interested by being mean to her...works....and it just might....if that woman has been abused or bullied by men.....because these type of women commonly or normally like to fix things......and dont like it when others are mean to them or uncaring ....they blame themselves because it seems to happen often and then try and fix it...

unscrupulous men will take advantage of abused or bullied women...to me ...pua...is a form of emotional abuse..and vulnerable women who fall for it ....some are women who have been abused or mistreated..maybe its the same for men who chase women who are mean.....i dont believe anyone should mistreat anyone to keep someone interested...its.....not right to do it...at all..deb

[Gaeta]

I do have a full life and I'm not pestering the guys I date 24/7. We message 2-3 times a week and meet once per week. But when we are together, I feel I need the intimacy and I feel the need to be super-nice, even if we've only known each other for a short time.

 

 

How to you show your super-nice side? it's unclear.

[Lotsgoingon]

I actually don't need someone to be so nice early on. In fact, I would distrust this.

 

I need them to share their real feelings about life, their habits, the interests, their goals, their sense of humor ... I need to get to know them ... I need to feel their energy, their life ... outside of me! ...

 

If a woman is wildly nice to me very soon in a relationship, then I'm gonna think she's desperate ... or needy ... and clingy. She doesn't have a real life going on.

[Gaeta]

And what is "too soon" to invite him for getting intimate? I hate it when we only look at humans like only men want sex and women just "give it" whenever they find convenient... I want it as much as the next person.

I didn't say such a thing and I am no advocate of trading sex for affection. You can have sex all you want with a man just don't keep him home for the night if you've just seen him a couple of times. Don't play *house* and don't play *couple* with men that haven't proven themselves to you.

[Andy_K]

My biggest problem: I like intimacy and making my man feel good makes me feel good, so I open up and treat him like a king. I guess I expect him to appreciate that and treat me like a queen. Instead, guys forget every single doubt they've ever had about my feelings or whether or not they're good enough, and they start believing in themselves too much, without an ounce of reciprocation.

 

There are a few possibilities here...

1) You're dating guys who are inherently selfish, in which case you just need to pick better

2) You're dating guys shy guys who are naive/inexperienced in relationships and simply think what's happening is perfectly normal, that they're already doing everything right. In this case they need educating, and you need to communicate more.

3) You are dating guys who aren't completely into you, but for whatever reason (easy sex and generous/calm personality), have decided to stick around. In this case you're probably jumping headfirst into things without pausing to let him take the initiative at all.

 

 

You can try treating guys mean, but it'll only work if they guy both believes you're out of his league, and is willing to put up with it for the sake of getting laid.

Edited July 12, 2018 by Andy_K

[kendahke]

I like intimacy and making my man feel good makes me feel good, so I open up and treat him like a king. I guess I expect him to appreciate that and treat me like a queen.

 

Define "treat like a king/treat like a queen"

 

Do these guys share your definition?

 

Expectations are future resentments under construction.

[heavenonearth]

No. I can speak from experience that this will backfire.

 

Just be you. The right person will reciprocate.

 

Perhaps you need to adjust your dating pattern, aka, the kind of guy you date may be the same guy over and over.

 

Branch out?

[Woggle]

Find a man who actually deserves being treated well and stay single until that man emerges. If a woman treated me badly I would dump her in a heartbeat. If a woman can't bring peace and happiness into my life then what is the point?

[becca564]

I struggle with this dilemma also. I was in a relationship for 6 years where I put my all into it and I only got about 30% from him yet I continued to invest and work ever harder. When I got the odd glimmer of affection or small gesture, it meant the world to me. I knew deep down I should have left that relationship long before I did. A few months after we broke up, he's already updating his social media profile photo of him and his fiancee! We had our last conversation that day in which he told me she made him do it and was so different to me because I never demanded anything...yet look who he proposed to!!

 

I thought this was a massive lesson for me that I needed to respect myself enough to set high standards and not accept someone who wasn't willing to invest in me. Yet I am currently dating someone who is putting in 50% of the effort I am and so the cycle continues. I am glad I have recognised it so early with this new guy though but as last few weeks I have taken steps to pull back and he has stepped up slightly. I plan to see how things play out over the next few weeks to see if it's worth continuing.

[basil67]

I think your problem is that you're overdoing it with the guys. There is such a thing as being too thoughtful. Treating someone as a monarch can go one of two ways: they will be suffocated...or they will enjoy their time up on the pedestal you gave them and make the most of it. But it's highly unlikely they will treat you like a monarch in return.

 

Let me ask you this: Why do you treat a man like a king? Is it because you treat everyone you care about this way....or are you hoping it will make him appreciate you more?