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Infuriated..


OatsAndHall

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OatsAndHall

I suppose this thread is basically more about ranting and less about looking for advice, although I do wonder if my anger is justified.

 

I have been/was seeing a woman for the better part of two months. Things have been going well between the two of use up until the last week: we get along well, have similar interests, the same sense of humor and we talked about "exclusivity" about a month into seeing one another. But, as I said, things have gone sour.

 

When we first started dating, she made it clear that she had male friends that she spent time with. I understand this and have never taken an issue with it until this week.

 

I was out of town last weekend but we talked over the phone on Saturday morning and she told me she was attending a concert a few hours away from where we live that night. I wished her well and only asked her to let me know that she got there safely and that she arrived home safely after it was done. I didn't hear anything from her that entire day or night and she didn't respond to my text asking if she was "alright". I texted her once more the next morning after not getting any response from her and tried to call. I didn't hear back for three hours; she shot me a text stating that plans had changed, she had stayed overnight and that her phone had died. She stated that she would text me once she her phone was charged. I didn't hear back from her all day long.

 

I had honestly been worried sick because there was a report of a car accident with a woman killed on the stretch of highway she was driving. My anxiousness turned to frustration when she told me what had happened. I recognized that I was angry as I felt she was being exceptionally inconsiderate and opted to try and calm down before I approached her about it. I let her know this and asked for some space but she forced the issue and called me.

 

I took a few deep breaths and explained to her that I felt it was rude of her to disappear for the better part of 36 hours, that I had been worried sick after reading the road report, and that ONE text letting me know what was going on would have sufficed.

 

She started to explain away the situation but she was playing the pronoun game: "we got in right before concert started because they were driving slowly and I didn't think to text you", "we decided to stay the night because we were too tired to drive", "I drove all the way back because they were exhausted", etc..etc.. I finally asked her who "they" were and she stated that it was her friend "Matt". When she revealed this, I started to become irrationally angry and told her I needed to get off of the phone. She hung up on me and then texted me a few minutes later stating that she she didn't tell me about "Matt" because she "knew I'd get this way" and that I "was being possessive and jealous", etc..etc.. I sent one text stating that I had never had an issue with her hanging around with her guy friends, that the major issue here was her lack of communication and that the fact that she spent the whole weekend with another guy while disappearing on me was just the icing on the cake. I told her that I would talk to her about it further later and I put my phone away.

 

Now before anyone gets self righteous and starts accusing me of being controlling, bear in mind that a) she had always stated who she was hanging out with (not that I expected her to do so, b) she has always been excellent about communicating and c) she has spent plenty of time with her male friends and it has never bothered me nor have a brought it up. Her behavior was completely out of the norm and it feels very suspicious to me.

 

Back to the story, we talked the next day and she apologized profusely for not communicating with me and for making the accusations. She stated that there was nothing going on between her and "Matt" (I didn't even ask..) and that she hoped I'd forgive her. I had calmed down and chose to believe that this was simply a lack of judgement on her part, accepted her apology and thanked her for being understanding about my frustration.

 

Well.. It turns out that forgiveness may have been premature and that my suspicion is justified. Fast forward to yesterday. She tells me that she agreed to go help "clean a friend's cabin" the other day. However, she took off for the cabin at 6pm yesterday, arrived at 8pm, texted me to let me know she had gotten in alright. I thanked her for letting me know and I haven't heard a friggin' thing from her since. This whole thing has my hackles up and I think I am being played.

 

End of rant..

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If you feel played just end it. This is too much drama & upset for a 60 day relationship

 

I don't think you are being played so much as you expect more checking in then she's comfortable giving you.

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Now before anyone gets self righteous and starts accusing me of being controlling

 

Are you two living together? The only thing that I thought seemed controlling was that she is expected to maintain constant communication with you while she is away from you - letting you know she has arrived at the concert and arrived home, I get that you're concerned about her and looking out for her, but for me I would find that too much. It's sweet when a guy I'm seeing says 'let me know when you get home' after leaving his house. But to extend that to every time I step into a vehicle seems controlling, to me at least.

 

However, since she agreed to notify you but went silent and made you think the worst, I think your anger is justified. I would also feel suspicious given that she declared early on that she has male friends. I wonder why she brought this up and whether it has been a problem in past relationships. Her reaction 'I KNEW you would get this way' seemed unwarranted when you've never taken issue before. She knew that she was doing something that could potentially upset her partner (it seemed that you would have been cool with it anyway, had she been honest), and instead of avoiding it, went ahead and lied about it and went on the defensive when caught out. I don't blame you for being suspicious now.

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Ok so your situation is you don't fully trust her.

 

Don't pursue and instead let her come to you. Dial back your expectations, regard her as possibly not honoring the exclusivity. Try to be at peace with the fact that she might be playing you. At least you are aware of this possibility now. You are empowered to make a plan to suit the uncertainty.

 

If/when she does come to you, then you have the choice. Be cautious before you get too emotionally invested. If you feel that the trust hasn't been damaged beyond repair yet, take things slow and see if over time with additional information you start to trust her again. Maybe ask her how she feels about your committed status, and see her reaction.

 

She's a free agent. She can do what she wants regardless of her promises to you. That wouldn't make it fair, but people do that all the time. You can't control her. And you don't need to. You can control your response though. You can be at peace with the information you have and make the most rational plan given the circumstances.

 

You don't have a green light on the relationship, but I don't think you have a red light either. I think you have yellow - proceed with caution.

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Wow... she's shady a.f.

 

Yeah... it's just too easy to respond to a text in a timely fashion.

 

I just met a gentleman on Wednesday, someone with whom I'd been chatting with online for about a week before meeting. We hit it off famously and would like to see more of one another. He had to go to PA for a week with his grandkids and each day, he and I have been texting multiple times/day. No matter what he's doing, if I text, he gets back to me in a reasonable amount of time---and I'm not one who clocks someone's text response time. It's called "consideration for the other" and selfishness has no place in this.

 

There is more going on with Matt than she's telling you--otherwise, she's have no problem whipping out her phone and returning your text in front of him if he was just a friend. The only reason I can see to not return a text is because she doesn't want to explain herself to whomever she's with.

 

I'd feel the same way you felt were it me. You are a reasonable guy, going from your many posts here, and I can't see how you're being controlling or stepping out of your lane.

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Art_Critic

I'm with Donnivan on this one, too much going on for 60 days...

 

Is the friend a man or is there a man at the cabin, maybe there is some stabbing going on at the cabin...that's what it smells like to me and that is coming from a cabin owner who used to take his dates to the cabin for some woodworking...

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OatsAndHall
Are you two living together? The only thing that I thought seemed controlling was that she is expected to maintain constant communication with you while she is away from you - letting you know she has arrived at the concert and arrived home, I get that you're concerned about her and looking out for her, but for me I would find that too much. It's sweet when a guy I'm seeing says 'let me know when you get home' after leaving his house. But to extend that to every time I step into a vehicle seems controlling, to me at least.

 

However, since she agreed to notify you but went silent and made you think the worst, I think your anger is justified. I would also feel suspicious given that she declared early on that she has male friends. I wonder why she brought this up and whether it has been a problem in past relationships. Her reaction 'I KNEW you would get this way' seemed unwarranted when you've never taken issue before. She knew that she was doing something that could potentially upset her partner (it seemed that you would have been cool with it anyway, had she been honest), and instead of avoiding it, went ahead and lied about it and went on the defensive when caught out. I don't blame you for being suspicious now.

 

No, we're not living together; we're a long way from that juncture in our relationship. I only ask that she let me know that she's arrived safely when she has been on long road trips and is out on the highway. The concert venue was several hours away and she was on two-lane highway for half of it. And, she expects the same of me; I was at a coaching clinic four hours away last weekend and not only did she ask me to text her along the way to let her know I was alright, but she beat me to the punch several times, sending texts such as "how's the drive going?" and whatnot.

 

I honestly don't expect anything resembling constant communication; I really only ask for a text in situations like I described above. This issue with the "cabin" is frustrating because it's a rerun of last weekend; the cabin is two hours away on a stretch of crap highway and she's gone completely dark. This is a total departure from her normal behavior as she is the one in the relationship that likes to text continually. I still haven't heard anything from her. And, I get the very strong feeling that this "friend" is the guy from last weekend as she's always mentioned the names of the two other guys she hangs out with.

 

At this point, I think I am pretty much done. As has been pointed out, this is too much drama in a short period of time. At best, she's inconsiderate when it comes to communication. At worst, she's messing around. It doesn't matter much either way; I'm tapped out.

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Yes fair enough, I don't think I would put myself through that either. Will be interesting to see what she comes up with after this weekend of silence. I would say that there is either something dodgy happening or she is iffy and creating distance.

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I agree, sounds shady. But...

 

If this week is the first time in 2 months you've felt this way, then maybe just take a breath and see what happens for the next few weeks. I cant imagine what a good explanation would be for her behavior, but if you have any interest in continuing with her maybe just dial it back a bit like fredflint said. Let her reach out to you.

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I just think she doesn't like to feel like she's being parented. You know, always having to comfort you so you don't worry. I think if someone lets you know they arrived, that's good enough. Then maybe agree she lets you know when she's back. I mean, the only person I ever volunteer info like that with is my sister if I'm driving out of town. I'll let her know what route and call her when I am about to start back. Only so that if there is a wreck, she knows who to call if I go missing.

 

Not everyone is that way, but I am. I don't want to feel I'm being checked up on and smothered or mothered. Now, some people like that. But not all do, and I just think this one doesn't like having to check in with you like that. It is kind of embarrassing too if you're with, say, your girlfriend and your bf keeps trying to contact you to make himself feel better. She's a grownup. She doesn't need monitoring. All she should do is let you know if she isn't going to be around for awhile as a courtesy so you don't worry.

 

Again some other woman won't mind this, but it is kind of high maintenance. It's still early, but eventually, wouldn't you hope to just stop worrying about it once she says she's going somewhere and just be at peace and enjoy yourself until she comes back?

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OatsAndHall
I just think she doesn't like to feel like she's being parented. You know, always having to comfort you so you don't worry. I think if someone lets you know they arrived, that's good enough. Then maybe agree she lets you know when she's back. I mean, the only person I ever volunteer info like that with is my sister if I'm driving out of town. I'll let her know what route and call her when I am about to start back. Only so that if there is a wreck, she knows who to call if I go missing.

 

Not everyone is that way, but I am. I don't want to feel I'm being checked up on and smothered or mothered. Now, some people like that. But not all do, and I just think this one doesn't like having to check in with you like that. It is kind of embarrassing too if you're with, say, your girlfriend and your bf keeps trying to contact you to make himself feel better. She's a grownup. She doesn't need monitoring. All she should do is let you know if she isn't going to be around for awhile as a courtesy so you don't worry.

 

Again some other woman won't mind this, but it is kind of high maintenance. It's still early, but eventually, wouldn't you hope to just stop worrying about it once she says she's going somewhere and just be at peace and enjoy yourself until she comes back?

 

 

As I've stated, this only applies to the rare situation where she is traveling a long distance. And, it is truly born out of concern as we live in a very rural area (i.e. our car insurance premiums are higher because people get into accidents involving wildlife on the highways all the time) and our state is top in the nation in highway mortality (double the national average per capita). So, there is a very real concern for safety when it comes to traveling long distances in this state.

 

 

 

It's considered basic courtesy to let people know you've made it to and from you destination safely. For example, when I went to that coaching clinic, I texted five different people along the way; her, my parents, and my closest friend up here. And, that wasn't considered a pleasantry; it was expected. Hell, I traveled to an athletic director meeting six hours away last winter and my superintendent, two teachers, my close friend, and the school secretary all wanted me to message them at every stop to let them know I was safe.

 

 

 

And, as I have pointed out, she expects it of me. It's a bit of a double standard when she asks that I stop and text at several different spots during a four-hour long drive but she doesn't reciprocate.

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lt's one of the nice things in a relationship , having someone that cares , even ex w and l still always checked with each other or little chit chats even after 19yrs often all through the day or weekend or whatever,

But it takes awhile to get to that , and some don't. At the start some people are still in single mode for awhile to and recent too much of it too early in.

 

But yeah it sounds suss especially the cabin next. l'd wanna know what's goin on myself.

And remember, these women with guy friends, when the shoes on the other foot and it's you with the girl friends, that's usually a whole different story and pretty soon that;s not ok you can bet on that.

l think it's perfectly normal your suspicious and wary now, l would be and you can bet she would be if it was vice verse.

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Sunlight72
And, as I have pointed out, she expects it of me. It's a bit of a double standard when she asks that I stop and text at several different spots during a four-hour long drive but she doesn't reciprocate.
Yes, I agree it is a double standard, but there are two sides to it.

 

You feel it is expected to check in when you travel.

 

She does not feel compelled to check in when she travels. (As shown by her actions, please disregard her words on this. She may 'feel' she should check in, and so she says she will, or asks you to. But if she doesn't, on two bigger trips, then the reality is that she does not feel compelled to do so of her own account)

 

So - you can choose to make it an issue, or not.

 

Cell phones are hell. Just a few years ago we didn't see or hear from loved ones for days/weeks (especially someone we'd met only 2 months prior), and wrote letters never really knowing when or if they arrived.

 

Now the silence between texts/calls of a few hours leads to all kinds of wonder and reading into the silence. It makes me a bit crazy too, I understand where you're coming from.

 

Doesn't much matter what anyone thinks is normal or not. If it taints your relationship to the point that you feel you can't breathe when you don't hear from her two or more times a day, then that's that. Don't hope she will change her behavior.

------------

And... yeah, hard not to be suspicious about the cabin....

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rightondude

this:

 

Her behavior was completely out of the norm and it feels very suspicious to me

 

and this

 

She stated that there was nothing going on between her and "Matt" (I didn't even ask..)

 

trust your gut here brother

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As I've stated, this only applies to the rare situation where she is traveling a long distance. And, it is truly born out of concern as we live in a very rural area (i.e. our car insurance premiums are higher because people get into accidents involving wildlife on the highways all the time) and our state is top in the nation in highway mortality (double the national average per capita). So, there is a very real concern for safety when it comes to traveling long distances in this state.

 

 

 

It's considered basic courtesy to let people know you've made it to and from you destination safely. For example, when I went to that coaching clinic, I texted five different people along the way; her, my parents, and my closest friend up here. And, that wasn't considered a pleasantry; it was expected. Hell, I traveled to an athletic director meeting six hours away last winter and my superintendent, two teachers, my close friend, and the school secretary all wanted me to message them at every stop to let them know I was safe.

 

 

 

And, as I have pointed out, she expects it of me. It's a bit of a double standard when she asks that I stop and text at several different spots during a four-hour long drive but she doesn't reciprocate.

 

 

And my point is you're like that, but she isn't. I have never needed to let someone know my whereabouts unless I'm running late. So you came from an environment like that. A whole lot of people did not.

 

Now, if you think she is just like you and expects that and you're not just assuming that, then okay, she's not kept her end of it. But be sure that was her idea, and not yours. We often assume others think the same way we do about things and it causes misunderstandings. Just something to consider.

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I'm curious, OP, where did Matt and her stay the night after the concert? Did they share a room?

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Oh, I don't think she is cheating at all, she was honest with you from the start, she had male friends.

 

Since she has male friends, this means she picks up some stuff from them as well, like the carelessness of most men. I just think she is being very callous and careless in her relationship with you.

 

 

I understand your anger, I worry sick about the people close to me and if they traveled and didn't answer my text. I would worry sick and million horrible scenarios would roam in my head and it will deprive me of functioning!

 

So yeah, if I were in your place, I would be extremely mad, extremely.

 

But I feel this girl is young right? that might explain her careless behavior.

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I just think she doesn't like to feel like she's being parented. You know, always having to comfort you so you don't worry. I think if someone lets you know they arrived, that's good enough. Then maybe agree she lets you know when she's back. I mean, the only person I ever volunteer info like that with is my sister if I'm driving out of town. I'll let her know what route and call her when I am about to start back. Only so that if there is a wreck, she knows who to call if I go missing.

 

Not everyone is that way, but I am. I don't want to feel I'm being checked up on and smothered or mothered. Now, some people like that. But not all do, and I just think this one doesn't like having to check in with you like that. It is kind of embarrassing too if you're with, say, your girlfriend and your bf keeps trying to contact you to make himself feel better. She's a grownup. She doesn't need monitoring. All she should do is let you know if she isn't going to be around for awhile as a courtesy so you don't worry.

 

Again some other woman won't mind this, but it is kind of high maintenance. It's still early, but eventually, wouldn't you hope to just stop worrying about it once she says she's going somewhere and just be at peace and enjoy yourself until she comes back?

 

 

Oh, yeah, I just hate it when my girlfriend is texting me while I'm staying the night out of town with another woman after a concert. God that's annoying. And when I go to the other woman's cabin for a few nights and she texts....geeez - the nerve....

 

 

By the way - NONE of the behaviors she's exhibiting would have EVER been acceptable to any of my previous girlfriends. Every last one of them would have hit the roof and absolutely skewered me, grilled me, then skewered me again. It is absolutely unacceptable to go stay the night out of town with a member of the opposite sex without clearing it with your partner first.

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ExpatInItaly
Oh, yeah, I just hate it when my girlfriend is texting me while I'm staying the night out of town with another woman after a concert. God that's annoying. And when I go to the other woman's cabin for a few nights and she texts....geeez - the nerve....

 

 

By the way - NONE of the behaviors she's exhibiting would have EVER been acceptable to any of my previous girlfriends. Every last one of them would have hit the roof and absolutely skewered me, grilled me, then skewered me again. It is absolutely unacceptable to go stay the night out of town with a member of the opposite sex without clearing it with your partner first.

 

This was my first thought, too.

 

Either way, OP, you and she have some fundamentally different expectations here. Now would be the ideal time to re-evaluate whether or not this is actually a good match, as this type of outing with her male friends will probably continue to happen.

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I agree, sounds shady. But...

 

If this week is the first time in 2 months you've felt this way, then maybe just take a breath and see what happens for the next few weeks. I cant imagine what a good explanation would be for her behavior, but if you have any interest in continuing with her maybe just dial it back a bit like fredflint said. Let her reach out to you.

 

I’m going to have to disagree. I think her behavior is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

 

I would view the lack of communication as a purposeful “**** you” on her part.

 

OP, save yourself and leave her while the leaving is good. The longer you stay, the more painful she’s going to make it.

 

And clearly, she has no respect for the OP’s feelings. Her apology means diddly-squat after she decided to go “help him move” to the cabin.

 

It’s because of bs like this that I have gone on few second dates after my last relationship. I see or hear a red flag and I know it’s only going to get worse. I’ve also learned to listen better and read between the lines, watch the body language, etc.

 

I don’t have the energy for this kind of drama. Who needs that?!

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I don't know that I'd throw the towel in just yet, but I think my hair would be standing on end on this.

  1. She has deviated dramatically from her normal texting/communication style
  2. She seems evasive about who she's with
  3. She was highly defensive about her companion when you were upset with her over her disappearing act

 

I live in a world where we let people know we've arrived safely and when we're headed out. It seems a bit much for someone you are newly dating, but if this is her expectation and you're used to this as well, then you're not over the top in your request or expectation. Granted, as stated earlier, despite her preference to hear from you, she may not feel compelled to follow her own rule or is less diligent about it. Annoying to say the least.

 

One thing I wanted to ask is if she usually mentions who she's going out with by name, whether it's Bill or Sally, because the fact that she was saying "a friend" instead of being straight with you about who she's going to the cabin with or concert seems evasive and there's a reason to hide going out with Matt or whoever "a friend" is. I think you stated you usually hear names. Second, had you ever heard of Matt before this trip?

 

Obviously opposite gender friends can be problematic in relationships, so her being upfront with you about that does not seem problematic to me, but her high level of defensiveness about Matt could be one of two things: She's gone around on this with other boyfriends, so her reaction is carryover from past relationship ills, or there's more going on with Matt than platonic friendship.

 

Again, I don't know that this is worth throwing in the towel just yet, but you are now on high alert, see what transpires. You could get more information and realize that all is well. You can have a discussion about travel and communication expectations, as she seriously dropped the ball despite her own desires to hear from you when you're traveling, and hopefully an apology and efforts to be better about travel contact. See who this Matt guy is. At two months, despite how great things are going, this relationship could be phasing out, and she'll make less and less effort to see you and communicate with you if she has one foot out the door. Watchful waiting. You could equally end it right now, but I don't know that you want to jump to a rash decision right now. Personally, I would probably be preparing myself for the demise of this relationship. Expect the worst, hope for the best sort of thing.

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I would just remind readers that the OP says they've only been together "the better part of 2 months." That's a lot of expectations for someone you've only dated a few weeks. Most people wouldn't even have committed to exclusivity by then.

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It's considered basic courtesy to let people know you've made it to and from you destination safely. For example, when I went to that coaching clinic, I texted five different people along the way; her, my parents, and my closest friend up here. And, that wasn't considered a pleasantry; it was expected. Hell, I traveled to an athletic director meeting six hours away last winter and my superintendent, two teachers, my close friend, and the school secretary all wanted me to message them at every stop to let them know I was safe.

 

 

While I agree that it would be best to let her go... wow. This sounds WAY over the top to me!!! There is no way I would be OK with having to text 5 people every time I took a long-ish trip! :eek:

 

Do you think it's possible that you just have somewhat excessive expectations in this regard? I literally do not know a single person who thinks it's normal or expected to text 5 or 6 different people when you arrive at your destination.

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