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Boyfriend lying? What would you do?


yellowhibiscus

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yellowhibiscus

I have been dating someone for 4 months. Overall, it has been pretty good- he is very sweet to me, we have fun, and are compatible. About a month into it, he lost his job. He was very vague on what happened and I was supportive during this time as he didn't have a whole lot of money to go out and was stressed out trying to find another job. He found another job and things got better. A few weeks ago, I had a strange urge to google his name as I just felt something was off...and I find out that he had been arrested during the time we were together and that's why he lost his job. I confronted him about it and he told me he didn't tell me because it was very embarrassing. I was very upset because I felt he was hiding things from me, which he was. I know it has only been a few months that we have been together, but I feel like being arrested and having to go to court is a big deal. He promised me he would be honest about things and tell me everything from now on. I forgave him(very hesitantly) and we have been trying to move past it.

 

Now, last night we went out to see a music show and then stopped at a bar to have a drink afterwards. This was a bar he used to frequent quite often. A few months ago, he had this lady texting him at 2 am who turns out to be this older woman he met at this bar. He gave me the whole back story and that this woman was someone he had just been friends with but apparently she was accusing him of stealing something and was very angry. He claimed that she is crazy and has accused other people of similar things. He even showed me the texts and they were quite hostile and threatening.

 

Last night at this bar, he was acting very strange and wanted me to finish my drink fast to that we could go. He was also manuevering himself behind this wooden post periodically as if to hide from someone. I see some older lady dancing to the band in the front and immediately think- that's the woman he was telling me about! I finished my drink and we left and then I asked him if he was trying to avoid someone. He said no, why would you think that? I told him it was because of his behavior. He quickly changed the subject and I didn't say anything else.

 

Now, I have this very strange gut feeling that he is lying to me about it. If he is lying to me, why would he feel the need to not tell me the real reason he wanted to leave so quickly? If he told me about her, then why couldn't he just say that was the reason. Should I even be making this a big deal? Trust is really important to me and I just can't decide if I'm just being too paranoid about it or if I have legitimate reasons to feel upset. What would you do?

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I would breakup with him. Me, I hate liars with a vengeance. These are not little white lies, these are big. He is a shady shyster. This isn't an isolated incident, he's a thief and a con. Get out now!

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ExpatInItaly

He lied by omission, and I would consider an arrest and subsequent job loss a very serious lie by omission. What was he arrested for?

 

The lady at the bar is a symptom of a much bigger problem.

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yellowhibiscus

This is so hard because he actually treats me really well. He plans dates, cooks for me, is just overall very sweet. He did not want to break up and was actually very remorseful. But I really can't get past the whole being arrested thing and not telling me. It was for DUI. And now I just feel like I can't believe anything he says.

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You haven't known him long enough to put up with all this crap.

 

Criminal behavior, possible cheating, job loss, . . .

 

What's the up side to dating him?

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Shady AF.

I'd drop a woman if in the same situation.

 

What was he arrested for?

Not that it matters.

I'm 46 and have managed to go through life never being arrested or even detained by police.

 

I don't even try it just comes naturally I guess.

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Either this guy has alcohol problems that he needs to address or he's an extremely shady character - or both. Major red flags are waiving all around you.

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rightondude

this dude now knows you will stay put even after he does some shady crap as long as he can keep the lies believable (to you). You will never trust him fully again. As long as you're cool with that, I say keep on keepin' on as he does cook for you.

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Lotsgoingon
this dude now knows you will stay put even after he does some shady crap as long as he can keep the lies believable (to you). You will never trust him fully again. As long as you're cool with that, I say keep on keepin' on as he does cook for you.

 

Wow, the words are more brutal than those I would choose. But rightondude, is on the money.

 

The arrest and not telling you about the arrest was a firing offense. Period.

 

I don't care what ridiculous explanation he gave. Time for you to stop asking for ridiculous explanations. There is no good explanation other than he has criminal tendencies that he wants to hide from you.

 

BTW: after something like that ... someone is on probation ... now his strange behavior in the bar ... I'm sorry ... I don't believe in dating people who will hide in a public place and not tell me why they're hiding.

 

This guy sounds like he has some charisma and charm that he uses on you ... Time to see past all that ... this is what you're in for the rest of the way. The behavior just like this stuff ...

 

Someone arrested and not telling me about it ... would be like someone with cancer not telling me about it.

 

Time to fire this guy.

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Lotsgoingon

One add:

 

If you haven't done this, you should go find his arrest report, and read it.

 

Arrest reports and court hearings and all that are public knowledge. You can google and call around and get this.

 

You do NOT want to take his word for what happened in the arrest or even what he was charged with. Go read that in the public record. Protect yourself.

 

There's a chance he understated his offenses ... and/or there might be more offenses and earlier offenses that he didn't tell you about.

Edited by Lotsgoingon
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ExpatInItaly
One add:

 

If you haven't done this, you should go find his arrest report, and read it.

 

Arrest reports and court hearings and all that are public knowledge. You can google and call around and get this.

 

You do NOT want to take his word for what happened in the arrest or even what he was charged with. Go read that in the public record. Protect yourself.

There's a chance he understated his offenses ... and/or there might be more offenses and earlier offenses that he didn't tell you about.

 

This is a good point, too.

 

You have no idea if what he's told you is the truth, OP. As you know, he doesn't place lot of value on being transparent with you.

 

Personally, I would break up with him anyway. You won't ever be able to trust this guy, and he doesn't treat that well if he was this dishonest with you.

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I have been dating someone for 4 months. Overall, it has been pretty good- he is very sweet to me, we have fun, and are compatible. About a month into it, he lost his job. He was very vague on what happened and I was supportive during this time as he didn't have a whole lot of money to go out and was stressed out trying to find another job. He found another job and things got better. A few weeks ago, I had a strange urge to google his name as I just felt something was off...and I find out that he had been arrested during the time we were together and that's why he lost his job. I confronted him about it and he told me he didn't tell me because it was very embarrassing. I was very upset because I felt he was hiding things from me, which he was. I know it has only been a few months that we have been together, but I feel like being arrested and having to go to court is a big deal. He promised me he would be honest about things and tell me everything from now on. I forgave him(very hesitantly) and we have been trying to move past it.

 

Now, last night we went out to see a music show and then stopped at a bar to have a drink afterwards. This was a bar he used to frequent quite often. A few months ago, he had this lady texting him at 2 am who turns out to be this older woman he met at this bar. He gave me the whole back story and that this woman was someone he had just been friends with but apparently she was accusing him of stealing something and was very angry. He claimed that she is crazy and has accused other people of similar things. He even showed me the texts and they were quite hostile and threatening.

 

Last night at this bar, he was acting very strange and wanted me to finish my drink fast to that we could go. He was also manuevering himself behind this wooden post periodically as if to hide from someone. I see some older lady dancing to the band in the front and immediately think- that's the woman he was telling me about! I finished my drink and we left and then I asked him if he was trying to avoid someone. He said no, why would you think that? I told him it was because of his behavior. He quickly changed the subject and I didn't say anything else.

 

Now, I have this very strange gut feeling that he is lying to me about it. If he is lying to me, why would he feel the need to not tell me the real reason he wanted to leave so quickly? If he told me about her, then why couldn't he just say that was the reason. Should I even be making this a big deal? Trust is really important to me and I just can't decide if I'm just being too paranoid about it or if I have legitimate reasons to feel upset. What would you do?

 

My dear there isn't much you can do or say.. It's too late for you both. Stop settling for his behavior as that's what you do always accepting it yet you know it's wrong. You don't want to give him up, but you need to drop and run! Sure he's lying, he has something else he rather hang-out with. The signs are as you describe here.

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yellowhibiscus
this dude now knows you will stay put even after he does some shady crap as long as he can keep the lies believable (to you). You will never trust him fully again. As long as you're cool with that, I say keep on keepin' on as he does cook for you.

 

 

The ironic thing is this is probably the best I have been treated for a long time. Prior to this, I was in a pretty ****ty, emotionally abusive relationship for years. If I were to confront my ex boyfriend about anything, he would have called me crazy and then refused to talk to me. The fact that this guy was remorseful, said sorry over and over, and wanted to make it work was something new to me. When you've always been treated like crap in relationships and someone comes on along and actually makes you feel special, I guess you kind of dismiss other things that are obvious red flags.

 

Thanks everyone, I knew the answer but needed the validation to end things.

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ExpatInItaly
The ironic thing is this is probably the best I have been treated for a long time. Prior to this, I was in a pretty ****ty, emotionally abusive relationship for years. If I were to confront my ex boyfriend about anything, he would have called me crazy and then refused to talk to me. The fact that this guy was remorseful, said sorry over and over, and wanted to make it work was something new to me. When you've always been treated like crap in relationships and someone comes on along and actually makes you feel special, I guess you kind of dismiss other things that are obvious red flags.

 

Thanks everyone, I knew the answer but needed the validation to end things.

 

There is still a big difference between apologizing for lying, and not lying about such an important issue to begin with. I understand you're comparing it to an awful ex, but this guy is no prize either. And yes, it's easy to dismiss or ignore red flags when the other bits seem okay. But some red flags are just too significant to dismiss.

 

You will be better off without this sketchy person in your life.

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PegNosePete
When you've always been treated like crap in relationships and someone comes on along and actually makes you feel special, I guess you kind of dismiss other things that are obvious red flags.

Let me correct that for you. When you've always been treated badly in relationships and someone treats you a little less badly, you tend to think they are better than they really are.

 

Never dismiss red flags. They are called red flags (not yellow) for a reason. They mean go direct to singledom, do not pass go, do not collect £200.

 

You should find yourself a good guy. Not one who is a little less bad than your previous. As the ads say - you're worth it.

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The fact that this guy was remorseful, said sorry over and over, and wanted to make it work was something new to me.

 

This is called "lulling you into a stupor" by a master manipulator.

 

He lied about this. Lying by omission is still lying.

 

He was ashamed of you finding out, but not ashamed of doing it in the first place...

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bathtub-row

Aren’t DUI’s really expensive? I mean, unless you have a lawyer in the family, I think they can run up to $10,000 or so to get them resolved. Also, wouldn’t there be restrictions on him drinking? If so, why was he in a bar? There may have been a police officer there that he was dodging.

 

I think he’s got too many stories and it’s doubtful you’ll ever really trust him. I agree with the others that you need to find out what really happened. I’m guessing that he has had more than one arrest.

 

I know you think he’s treating you well but there’s something under the surface that would come to light if you stayed with him. You can continue with him but you’ll always be uneasy and that in itself isn’t a sign of being treated well. He’s at the stage of testing you out. Be aware, too, that abusers are fantastic at apologies and showing remorse. It means nothing so don’t be fooled by that. He’s subtly manipulating you.

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The ironic thing is this is probably the best I have been treated for a long time. Prior to this, I was in a pretty ****ty, emotionally abusive relationship for years.

 

Thanks everyone, I knew the answer but needed the validation to end things.

 

 

Just because this guy looks better than your last guy by comparison doesn't make him good. It means your standards are too low.

 

Do walk away. You will be better off in the long run.

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This is so hard because he actually treats me really well. He plans dates, cooks for me, is just overall very sweet. He did not want to break up and was actually very remorseful. But I really can't get past the whole being arrested thing and not telling me. It was for DUI. And now I just feel like I can't believe anything he says.

 

 

Oh, OP. You really need to get your priorities straight. Lying about being arrested is something that no amount of cooking and date-planning could possibly make up for. It's not like he was lying about a pair of jeans that he secretly thought ugly....

 

 

There are other sweet men out there - who DIDN'T get kicked out of a job because they got arrested, and then lied to their partner about it.

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I can relate.

 

My ex from 2013 I wrote about extensively on here - I caught him massaging a woman's shoulders in a club once. He pretended to think it was me (she was brunette; I was platinum blonde:rolleyes:)

 

So.. yeah, he was a bit of an @sshole.

 

I met a guy soon after him; this guy treated me better than my ex ever did! He was super attracted to me (which my ex not), he texted daily, always texted first, and yeah, he seemed to really be into me, yay right?

 

Wrong.

 

I sensed things were amiss and he ended up ghosting me. He just.. wouldn't ever let me go to HIS house to meet HIS friends or family - respite telling me that he told them about me!

 

Just cos your exes treated you like dog food, doesn't mean other men who you have bad gut feelings about are the perfect gentlemen...

 

Turns out ghost guy had a son and wife btw:sick:

 

The right man will.. feel like the right man. You won't get bad gut feelings.

 

I mean.. this guy hid behind a pole.... That is movie worthy - dodgy behaviour:lmao: Need you even say more?

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Is this DUI his only criminal record? Does he have a drinking problem? How did his former employer know about his arrest?

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Your BF is a liar and you can’t trust him. Getting arrested is a huge detail he failed to tell you, not to mention you probably will never get the truth of what he really did or what other women he is trying to avoid

 

Is he being charged? Is he going to be a felon after this? That would be an absolute deal breaker for me

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I agree you need to find out why he was arrested. So this woman has accused him of stealing from her? Saying he was arrested for a DUI is not great but it can sound like a temporary lapse in judgement. If he’d said he was arrested for stealing from a woman, how would that have sounded to you?

 

I don’t know where you live, but here in the U.K. we can make enquiries with the police to check that a new partner is not a possible abuser. They might not say anything about other types of crimes but I bet they will let you know where you could do your own research if they had other concerns.

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yellowhibiscus

So I sent him a text- "I know I already asked you but were you trying to avoid someone at (place we were at)"

 

His reply- "No I told you I wasn't".

 

Me: "So you weren't trying to avoid ******?"

 

Him: "No, why do you keep asking that"

 

Me: "Because I'm fairly certain you are not being honest with me"

 

Minute later, he calls me, to which he does confess that she was there, that he was avoiding her and that he didn't "want to make it a big deal" and that he was afraid she was going to make a scene.

 

I told him I don't want anything to do with someone who is going to lie to me multiple times. He then flip flopped from being sorry to then telling me the reason why he didn't tell me was because I am always judging him. At which point, I lost it because I have been nothing but kind and understanding about EVERYTHING and have not once judged him. I told him that I will not sit here and have him blame me for his actions and I hung up on him...

 

Bye, bye. I have no plans to speak with him again.

 

I know it seems like I'm an idiot for staying with him for as long as I have, and I probably am. I think I just got caught into how he made me feel, which was the best I have felt in a long time. I just need to trust my intuition.

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Wow, he just point blank lied to you - again! Good job being strong and taking care of yourself by ending it. Don't let him weasel his way back.

 

You absolutely don't seem like an idiot, you seem like a caring person who wanted to give someone the benefit of the doubt. But there's a limit, and luckily you recognized that.

 

Yes - always trust your intuition.

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