I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

[heavenonearth]

My boyfriends ex girlfriend is constantly texting him.

She’s depressed and has some physical liabilities that forced her to stop working and living with her parents again.

 

She’s currently in a very bad place and has almost no friends.

Thus she is seeking my boyfriends comfort often.

It has happened a few times now that i am sitting on the couch with my boyfriend and he shows me something on his phone whilst a text of his ex pops up.

He realizes i am annoyed with it but he’s not really doing anything about it.

It’s starting to really irritate me.

On the one hand i feel bad for her and i understand how he may feel guilty if he doesn’t provide her with some sort of comfort.

On the other hand i wish she’d just disappear for good and stop interacting with him when she’s feeling bad. This makes me feel like a terrible person.

 

obviously i can’t tell him to stop contact with her, so what do i do?

I am trying to suck it up but i find it hard to deal with.

 

I am not jealous of her (except the fact she got to spend a significant amount of time with him, where as i am only with him for a year now), and i don’t see her as a threat, but i am highly irritated by her and i feel super uncomfortable by her being on the radar in any shape or form.

 

What would you do if you were me?

[Happy Lemming]

obviously i can’t tell him to stop contact with her...

 

Why not?? Tell him it bothers you and you'd like him to stop communicating with her. You have been with him a year, so I think you have an established relationship and ex-girlfriend needs to find her own friends to lean on (in her time of need). Ex-girlfriend can talk to her parents if she needs something, after all she does live with him. Ex is not alone, she has a support system and shouldn't be bothering your boyfriend.

 

Does the ex-girlfriend know you exist?? If so, it is pretty selfish of her to contact your boyfriend for emotional support.

 

It appears your boyfriend likes the attention from the ex-girlfriend and enjoys being the "knight in shining armor" to her. In my opinion, it needs to stop. If he can't block her, then get a new phone and phone number.

 

What would you do if you were me?

 

I don't think I would give your boyfriend an ultimatum, but I would tell him how you feel. Tell him it upsets you and it would make you feel better if he would cease communication with this ex.

 

Just my opinion...

[heavenonearth]

Why not?? Tell him it bothers you and you'd like him to stop communicating with her. You have been with him a year, so I think you have an established relationship and ex-girlfriend needs to find her own friends to lean on (in her time of need). Ex-girlfriend can talk to her parents if she needs something, after all she does live with him. Ex is not alone, she has a support system and shouldn't be bothering your boyfriend.

 

Does the ex-girlfriend know you exist?? If so, it is pretty selfish of her to contact your boyfriend for emotional support.

 

It appears your boyfriend likes the attention from the ex-girlfriend and enjoys being the "knight in shining armor" to her. In my opinion, it needs to stop. If he can't block her, then get a new phone and phone number.

 

 

 

I don't think I would give your boyfriend an ultimatum, but I would tell him how you feel. Tell him it upsets you and it would make you feel better if he would cease communication with this ex.

 

Just my opinion...

 

Not sure about the knight in shining armor thing, but i think it may have to do with guilt.

 

Yeah she knows i exist, he told her about me when we were dating for 5 months. This was in November. This was also the last time he saw her face to face (it was for logistical reasons, she had to sign something).

 

I also think it’s not so great she leans on him for support but he told me she has no more friends really. Most of their mutual friends “chose” him after the break up and they are not much in touch with her because she may not be able to give much back due to her illness, so people pulled away from her.

That’s why i think he feels guilt.

 

I already told him it bothers me but i haven’t told him i want him to stop contact with her.

[preraph]

I'd pick a time she interrupts you two when you're doing something planned or whatever and ask him if he can't tell her he'll catch up with her the next day. Honey, the movie is starting! Get off the phone! Tell her you'll holler at her tomorrow. Dinner is ready! Don't let it get cold. Tell her it's not a good time.

[Lotsgoingon]

So your bf was married to this woman .. .for how long, may I ask?

 

And does he have kids with her?

 

These questions affect what kinda response you can give and how to give it.

[heavenonearth]

So your bf was married to this woman .. .for how long, may I ask?

 

And does he have kids with her?

 

These questions affect what kinda response you can give and how to give it.

 

They were not married but they were a couple for 15 years, living together for 10. No kids.

[Happy Lemming]

Most of their mutual friends “chose” him after the break up and they are not much in touch with her because she may not be able to give much back due to her illness, so people pulled away from her.

 

Again, not your fault, not your boyfriend's fault. The "friends" have free will and can chose who they want to hang out with. She has her family as her support system, so she does have "people". Time for her to leave your boyfriend alone.

 

I already told him it bothers me but i haven’t told him i want him to stop contact with her.

 

OK... take the next step and tell him this communication needs to stop. I don't know why he wouldn't stop if he knows it bothers you. Tell him it is time to stop feeling guilty, relationships end, people get sick, that is life.

[heavenonearth]

Again, not your fault, not your boyfriend's fault. The "friends" have free will and can chose who they want to hang out with. She has her family as her support system, so she does have "people". Time for her to leave your boyfriend alone.

 

 

 

OK... take the next step and tell him this communication needs to stop. I don't know why he wouldn't stop if he knows it bothers you. Tell him it is time to stop feeling guilty, relationships end, people get sick, that is life.

 

i feel the same way about this but i suppose he doesn’t.

i am not frequently talking to any of my exes, and the ones i didn’t have a bad break up with, i maybe check in once a year or once every two years, if at all.

 

i suppose if you spent 15 years together and then break up without plates being thrown, there is no reason to cut contact... it’s not like there is animosity between them, he just eventually stopped being in love with her and the relationship fizzled out

 

He told me she doesn’t have feelings for him anymore either but i suspect otherwise. I suspect she still has hope they one day will reunite. Maybe she is holding on to it? I don’t know.

 

Part of me hopes that we will run into her at some mutual friends party at some point in the near future, just so i can witness her behavior towards him.

But he’s been doing a good job at avoiding any event where she could be showing up.

[Happy Lemming]

[/b]

i feel the same way about this but i suppose he doesn’t.i am not frequently talking to any of my exes, and the ones i didn’t have a bad break up with, i maybe check in once a year or once every two years, if at all.

 

I agree with you.

 

I don't contact any of my exes, either. I don't wish to go out with them again, so there is no reason to call/text/e-mail. I am in a relationship and I respect that boundary.

 

I did hear from one ex-girlfriend that moved back to town (via email), but I let her know (immediately - via email) that I was in a relationship and we had no further communication.

 

I don't do social media, so I have no idea how any of them are doing and I really don't care. Its in the past and that is where it should stay. If they are sick, well that is just part of the "Human Experience"; nothing I can do or say will fix it.

 

Let your boyfriend know that his ex-girlfriend has her parents as her support system and doesn't need him. So stop feeling guilty and cease all communication.

[Adiron]

What should you do?

 

 

Set boundaries.

 

 

 

Demand respect.

[preraph]

You should ask him how he would feel if a guy you were a couple with for a decade kept calling you and leaning on you. That can be arranged.

[No_Go]

I’m with enigma on this case: and she’s not even subtle.

 

How old is she? I’m betting she attempted dating others, failed, and is getting her hopes up to lure back her ex...

 

Unlikely to work for anything more than casual sex if that. But she’ll be acting on your nerves for a while- expect ‘sickness’, ‘depression’, ‘family dramas’ - anything to catch his attention.......

[JuneL]

Why did they break up, and who initiated it?

[Marc878]

An X has no business in a current relationship. He should know this. You shouldn't have to tell him.

 

Maybe you should reevaluate.

 

He's the problem not her.

[No_Go]

An X has no business in a current relationship. He should know this. You shouldn't have to tell him.

 

Maybe you should reevaluate.

 

He's the problem not her.

 

Too harsh on him IMO. Seems like he hasn’t done anything so far besides being polite...

[Lotsgoingon]

With no kids in the picture, you are on quite solid ground to set some limits.

 

It's one thing if the ex is co-raising your children. You have a direct investment in their wellbeing. But not in this case.

[heavenonearth]

A few thoughts here. Your BF likely still has feelings for his ex. This doesn't mean he wants to get back together with her, but he doesn't like to see her suffer, so he still wants to be there for her in some way and help her through her problems. The problem is, he is in a committed relationship with you now. A guy can't go around playing the white knight to a bunch of damsels in distress when he has a GF, he just can't. This is an issue that I also struggle with, as I have a few exes and old friends that try to get in touch with me whenever they need advice or help with something. I'd like to help them, but I have a GF and it's just not respectful to her. Your BF needs to let her work her problems out on her own. She is an adult, after all.

 

Oh, and she is definitely trying to steal this guy back from you, she is just being subtle about it.

 

He doesn’t have feelings for her anymore. He said he cares about her like he would care about a friend. As i mentioned before it was not some nasty break up or anything, he just fell out of love over the period of their last 5 years together which were not very good. But yes he does want to be for there in some way, and he has admitted it, because he feels bad for her.

[heavenonearth]

I’m with enigma on this case: and she’s not even subtle.

 

How old is she? I’m betting she attempted dating others, failed, and is getting her hopes up to lure back her ex...

 

Unlikely to work for anything more than casual sex if that. But she’ll be acting on your nerves for a while- expect ‘sickness’, ‘depression’, ‘family dramas’ - anything to catch his attention.......

 

She is 34.

 

What do you mean “unlikely to work for anything more than casual sex”? Are you suggesting he’d cheat on me with her!? Lol. Let’s not get silly here.

[heavenonearth]

Why did they break up, and who initiated it?

 

Their last 5 out of the 15 years together were not very good. They fought a lot and realized they are not compatible anymore. He fell out of love over those 5 years and they were in couples therapy but nothing worked anymore so he ended it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just because a relationship didn't end dramatically doesn't mean the exes need to remain in each other's lives either, particularly when it's obvious one (her) still hasn't let go. It's damaging to his current relationship, which should be enough for him to start laying down boundaries.

 

OP, you need to find your voice here. Tell him that her constant communications makes you uncomfortable and you would appreciate more boundaries between them. You can explain that while you understand there's no hatred or animosity, you also don't feel it's appropriate that he continues to engage with her on this level. Then step back and see what he does. Observe.

 

A big part of the problem here is your boyfriend. He has a lot of power to resolve this; watch and see if he makes the best choice to preserve your relationship.

[heavenonearth]

Just because a relationship didn't end dramatically doesn't mean the exes need to remain in each other's lives either, particularly when it's obvious one (her) still hasn't let go. It's damaging to his current relationship, which should be enough for him to start laying down boundaries.

 

OP, you need to find your voice here. Tell him that her constant communications makes you uncomfortable and you would appreciate more boundaries between them. You can explain that while you understand there's no hatred or animosity, you also don't feel it's appropriate that he continues to engage with her on this level. Then step back and see what he does. Observe.

 

A big part of the problem here is your boyfriend. He has a lot of power to resolve this; watch and see if he makes the best choice to preserve your relationship.

 

 

It’s a actually a huge problem of his to be such a people pleaser. He’s been working on this for the past year because he has in the past often lost himself in relationships or friendships because he’s always putting others first instead of his own feelings.

So i find it especially crazy that he still is there for her in a sense, even though one of the big reasons he ended it with her is that he wanted independence from the responsibility of taking care for her (someone he doesn’t love anymore).

Now he’s doing it again even though he sees her as a friend. But that doesn’t mean she sees it the same way, right!?

I can’t possibly know what her intentions are. But i think it’s sooooo weird and i really don’t like she’s always texting or calling.

[ExpatInItaly]

So, are you going to talk to him about this?

[Try]

obviously i can’t tell him to stop contact with her, so what do i do?

What would you do if you were me?

It is very normal in healthy relationships to eastablish opposite sex friend (OSF) relationship boundaries. Two of the most common such boundaries are:

 

1) You cannot have an Ex as an OSF.

 

2) You cannot have an OSF that is not a friend of your relationship.

 

You should work together in discussing and establishing such boundaries, and then ask that he respect them. This would in practice get him to stop contact with his Ex.

[2much4]

If I remember correctly you live in the Netherlands. I would take much of the advice with a grain of salt, since most people on here are from the US. Having lived in that part of the world my experience has been that a lot of people will consider it controlling having an issue with opposite sex friendships, even if the said friendship involves an ex. I don't agree with it, but it is what it is.

 

You can't really ask him to cut off contact completely. Maybe you could ask him not to text her when you are together and talk to him about how it makes you feel. Maybe ask him to text less often.

 

If he's helping her out of guilt he'll start feeling resentful of her soon enough. Most people start being annoyed after a while when somebody is constantly down. Just be patient =)

[PegNosePete]

She’s depressed and has some physical liabilities that forced her to stop working and living with her parents again.

She’s currently in a very bad place and has almost no friends.

Thus she is seeking my boyfriends comfort often.

Presumably she is not in any kind of therapy or getting any kind of real support for her issues. Otherwise she would not need your BF, right?

 

So he has been acting as her de facto therapist for over a year now. What progress has she made towards living a happier and more independent life? I would guess, zero.

 

Having your BF as a therapist clearly isn't working. It might get her through the day but she's not getting any better, and if ex-therapy hasn't got her any better in over a year, it never will. This situation will continue for as long as he allows it to.

 

He needs to cut the cord... he needs to tell her that he can't be her therapist any more, and she needs to find someone more appropriate.