Went on a few dates, slept together, and now she wants to take things slow?

[SocialNerd]

So I met this girl randomly, and I thought she was cute. We are in college, im 24 and she's 19. I asked her out randomly and she was up for it. I haven't dated anyone in over a year because I wanted to live the single life and work on my self to be a better person. I'm very picky about who I date, it takes a lot of effort and time which as an engineering student is scarce for me. She thinks I'm very attractive, smart, and funny. I never persued her because she had a boyfriend. They broke up a month ago after 6 months, but she said she was over it for while. We hung out 3 days in a row during finals week (exams done, this was 2 weeks ago). We had tons of fun and laughs, and I feel like she really enjoyed spending time with me. I felt like we really clicked, but my sole intention wasnt to just sleep with her. We had sex on night 3.

She moved back home like 60 miles from school for summer to work. So the 2nd week of us dating and not seeing her in like a week I drove to see her and that was about a week ago. We usually talk on the phone for like an hour a day at night, I'm not a huge texter. She was supposed to come spend the day with me yesterday and stay the night but cancelled the night before claiming she thinks we are moving too fast. I'm really confused in whether this means she's not interested, or what she wants. I have just given her space and haven't talked to her since. I don't want to let her slip away, I'm not sure what to take from this. I really want to talk to her but I feel like I should just back off, but maybe this is not the right thing to do. What do I do?

 

Sorry for how long it is. I tried to keep it as short as possible while maintaining context.

Edited June 24, 2018 by SocialNerd

[Marc878]

You chase they just move farther away.

[d0nnivain]

You said initially you only wanted to sleep with her. You two had sex & now she's saying you moved too fast. Translation: she deeply regrets having sex with you on date 3. She thinks you view her as "easy" & now she wants you to prove that you want her for more then just her body so she expects you to court & romance her with no expectation of sex. Because she also knows she can't resist temptation & she'll fall into your bed if she comes to you to spend the night, she's staying away. If you want to date this girl you will have to text her even though you don't like that. You will have to call her. You will also have to drive the 60 miles to pick her up for a date at mom & dad's house where you will drop her off at the end of the date with maybe a good night kiss if you are lucky. Then after you have done all that all summer, she may be ready to go back to your regularly scheduled sex at school in the fall.

[salparadise]

If you're really interested in her should keep in touch and keep the connection alive. I think one of two things are happening... she's either experiencing vulnerability anxiety and is pushing away to manage that, or she has doubts that you are someone she wants to be in a relationship with. My guess is that it's the former and that she's not conscious of the underlying motivation (fear of opening her heart) for pushing away. And it could be that the latter is how she rationalizes it.

 

You need to realize that regardless of the reason (which you may never know), if she's resolute with the reticence you won't be able to overcome it. So my suggestion would be to limit how invested you allow yourself to become, and stay in touch until you figure out whether she's opening up or shutting down entirely. If she continues shutting down, you'll have to move on and you don't want to be totally invested... so take it slow, be persistent until you figure it out, and don't let your heart get ahead of you brain.

[phineas]

Never go backwards with a woman.

Tell her if she wants to date and keep having sex like normal people do that's great.

But you are not interested in taking things slow with a woman you have already had sex with.

 

Every time and I mean every time i've been in this situation it turned into me being a BF without benefits. that is not a good place.

[Grey40]

It means what she said—it’s moving too fast for her. The fact that she told you that, definitley means you need to back off. I’d wait at least 3 days before you reach out or contact her. If she reaches out to you then respond to her like normal. But give her some space for sure.

[Casio167]

I reckon she probably feels like she slept with you a little bit too soon before taking the time to build up a more stable and solid relationship, and tied closely to that for women is sexual attraction. She probably slept with you and realised afterward that it was a bit too early for that to be brought into the mix and complicating things before really establishing a bit more of a bond.

 

I probably wouldn’t wait three days to contact her, but maybe try have an honest chat with her if you are also interested in taking it slow, and maybe seeing if she’d just like to date and get to know each other and hold off on the sex part for a while til you’re both more comfortable. I know in my relationship I slept with the guy a little too soon and regretted it although I liked him because all of a sudden there was an immediate pressure to have sex therein after when I was still working on getting to know him and building up that attraction to him. Also i was aware that there is a risk in sleepingn with someone too soon that because you havent taken the time to build that foundation up that the dating end of things can become overshadowed by rushing into sex. And then the relationship just being focused around that.

 

There’s nothing more of a passion killer than expectation of sex. Not saying you’re expecting it but once that box is open it’s implicitly there.

 

I’d say have an honest chat with her and if you’re interested start doing the odd date here and there and get to know each other at a natural pace. Best of luck!

 

Also: coming from a woman’s perspective, Phineas’s advice is terrible. Just because a woman has sex with you once does not mean you’re entitled to it from then on?!!

[d0nnivain]

Never go backwards with a woman.

Tell her if she wants to date and keep having sex like normal people do that's great.

But you are not interested in taking things slow with a woman you have already had sex with.

 

Every time and I mean every time i've been in this situation it turned into me being a BF without benefits. that is not a good place.

 

 

While being a BF without benefits is no fun, here the OP is not dealing with a full grown adult woman. He's dealing with a mixed up 19 year old TEENAGER. She also probably has some sense that he's a player so she needs him to prove that he's in this for more then just the sex.

 

I do think things will be easier when school starts up in the fall. For now, he at least needs to plan one date where he drives to her for the date & goes home afterwards without sex.

[Blake101]

So I met this girl randomly, and I thought she was cute. We are in college, im 24 and she's 19. I asked her out randomly and she was up for it. I haven't dated anyone in over a year because I wanted to live the single life and work on my self to be a better person. I'm very picky about who I date, it takes a lot of effort and time which as an engineering student is scarce for me. She thinks I'm very attractive, smart, and funny. I never persued her because she had a boyfriend. They broke up a month ago after 6 months, but she said she was over it for while. We hung out 3 days in a row during finals week (exams done, this was 2 weeks ago). We had tons of fun and laughs, and I feel like she really enjoyed spending time with me. I felt like we really clicked, but my sole intention wasnt to just sleep with her. We had sex on night 3.

She moved back home like 60 miles from school for summer to work. So the 2nd week of us dating and not seeing her in like a week I drove to see her and that was about a week ago. We usually talk on the phone for like an hour a day at night, I'm not a huge texter. She was supposed to come spend the day with me yesterday and stay the night but cancelled the night before claiming she thinks we are moving too fast. I'm really confused in whether this means she's not interested, or what she wants. I have just given her space and haven't talked to her since. I don't want to let her slip away, I'm not sure what to take from this. I really want to talk to her but I feel like I should just back off, but maybe this is not the right thing to do. What do I do?

 

Sorry for how long it is. I tried to keep it as short as possible while maintaining context.

 

It's fairly simple really.

 

Look, she just got out a relationship, so at this moment she isn't looking to get tied down. What you guys had - that was real. I'm sure you both clicked well. But the summer is here and I get the vibe she doesn't want to get tied down after just seeing you for a little more than a couple of times. 60 miles is a long way, and maybe that's too much for her. Look, it's not your fault. She just wasn't able to get a deep connection with you.

 

Maybe when you go back to school, and you're both single - then yeah you can try to pick things back up again. But as for now, she's trying to let you down without trying to hurt you.

 

It's okay, it's your summer too. You might be able to find someone else as well. It'll sting a bit initially but i'm sure you will be fine.

[smackie9]

Rebound! boing! Some girls feel a lot of guilt for being with someone new, even tho they broke up with their BF. She is way too fresh out of a relationship. And it's possible he is in contact with her again, making her doubt her interest in you. Don't waste anymore of your time and find someone else to date.