Was I used?? Not sure whats happened.

[Stasiman]

Sorry about the long post, cant make sense of this and feel as if I have been used. Met a girl on Match 6 weeks ago. Had 5 great dates, plenty of laughing flirting and general good fun. The chemistry was really flowing, Id even go as far as to say they where some of the best dates I have ever had (Im 43 and had plenty of dates in my time). Between dates we texted every day, not a huge amount as both have very busy lives with work/family etc but we kept steadily in contact with text and calls.

 

Date 5 went really well, she told me how much she really liked me and was considering introducing me to her 3 children, asking if I would like to go away with her next month, talking about general plans for the future, told me she had spoken to her friends about me etc. By this point we where clearly getting on incredibly and sparks where flying, she confessed she had not been chatting/dating anyone else since our first date, I confessed the same. Ive had enough girlfriends and been on enough dates to confidently say it was real, It wasnt a case wishful thinking on my part.

 

After date 5 she invited me to hers for coffee, we ended up having sex. The sex was great, very passionate and steamy. She commented how great it was as was hugged and kissed afterwards. So I stayed over but then the next morning things seemed to have changed. She seemed distant and slightly frosty, we hugged but no sex or kissing. She was stressed about work later and was already checking her work emails as we ate breakfast. Conversation was fine but she just seemed slightly off. We had a kiss before parting ways.

 

So the next day I was really busy in work as a huge project Im dealing with ran into problems. I texted her around lunchtime saying I had a great night last night etc. She replied so did she and asked me if the sex was good for me. I replied it was great etc. Fast forward to the evening and she sent me a message saying she was worried Id been scared off because I hadnt been as chatty as usual, this was a bit odd as she hadnt really engaged much by text either and it was no less than usual. I replied of course I hadnt gone off her and how Id just been really busy etc etc. She also asked me again if the sex was good for me, I replied again saying yes.

 

 

Later on that evening we had a phone chat (she called me) and it seemed all good, plenty of laughing etc etc. By this point no plans had been made for another date, we both work long random hours so our dates had generally been planned with very short notice. Anyway as I was getting into bed that evening I had a message alert from Match, I logged in (simply to delete some notifications as by this point I wasnt even remotely interested in anyone but her) and noticed she was online! Now dont get me wrong I have no problem with this as no commitment had been made between us so no issue with dating others at this time. It did feel a little odd though combined with her frosty behaviour that morning.

 

Anyway the next day I texted her on my lunch and she told me how she had some bad news in relation to a family member being poorly (not terminally but quite sick). I responded with a nice supportive message. Didnt hear back from her until very late on that evening with a short message saying she had a terrible day and work was very stressfull too.

 

Over the next 4 days I attempted to text as usual but was careful as she was obviously having a rough few days. I was nice, supportive and tried to cheer her up, Her responses where cold and distant. I stoppped messaging after 2 days as it seemed she wasnt right.

 

I then sent a last message after 4 days asking if she wanted to meet, she replied with a long text basically saying she likes me but feels as if her life has spiralled out of control with work and family and felt as if this week had been the worst week of her life. She basically said she was sorry but didnt feel she was ready for a relationship. I replied with a nice message saying I understood and I hope everything works out ok for her.

 

Since then Ive not contacted her, shes not contacted me but Ive noticed she has been back on Match.com! What the hell has happened? Of course I understand she does have some very difficult stuff going on in her life at the moment (she was constantly stressed about work when I was getting to know her) but I somehow feel there is more to this than meets the eye. The fact she went cold and distant almost immediately after sex and that she is still using Match has left me rather confused.

 

Worth pointing out she showed quite a lot of insecurity issues throughout the short time I knew her, she had been cheated on in her previous marriage and showed quite a few signs she had low self esteem and confidence. At one point she even verbalised that she thought I was out of her league.

 

Well, what you all think??? Have I just been used to make her feel better??? Has she gotten scared as we got closer together?? As far as I can tell I did nothing wrong and she just seemed to shut down pretty much after we had sex. I understand she has a lot going on in her life and respected that but its not as if we where committed and seeing each other a lot (our dates where once a week). Also the issues seemed to arise before her week got rough e.g. the next day after I stayed she was cold.

 

Ive got a weird feeling she may well pop back up in the near future but dont want to wait around and not going to make any attempt to contact her at all.

Edited June 24, 2018 by Stasiman

[MidwestUSA]

I have never asked a guy, after the fact, if the sex was good. She did - twice.

 

Are you sure it was good for her? Really, really sure? Were there any age related, um, difficulties? Something put her off, and this is my first guess.

 

If sex is really bad, and 'not operable' in my mind, I'd do what she did. If it's something I think I can work on, then I hang in there.

 

So sorry.

[Saracena]

^^^^Completely agree with the above. My first thoughts exactly. Sounds as if whatever happened (or not, as the case maybe) was a dealbreaker for her, given that things sounded fairly promising up until this point.

 

I wouldn't dwell on it though as whatever the reason she's made her position clear.

 

Sorry OP.

[Stasiman]

I have never asked a guy, after the fact, if the sex was good. She did - twice.

 

Are you sure it was good for her? Really, really sure? Were there any age related, um, difficulties? Something put her off, and this is my first guess.

 

If sex is really bad, and 'not operable' in my mind, I'd do what she did. If it's something I think I can work on, then I hang in there.

 

So sorry.

 

 

Yes my initial thoughts where along these lines.

 

 

The sex was good, dont get me wrong we had been drinking and the inevitable fumbling that comes with sex with someone for the first time was there. But on the whole it was pretty passionate, she had an orgasm and was very loud. It was on the whole quite wild sex really.

 

This is why I am so confused, there didnt appear to be any problems and usually Ive had sex with someone they want to see me more and have more sex. Ive never had this happen before, without sounding arrogant Ive been told by partners in the past I am good in bed (honestly). She certainly seemed to be enjoying herself at the time. There was no age related issues or anything.

 

She does have some body confidence issues and was a little embarrassed at first but was nothing major.

 

I did think it very odd that she asked if the sex was ok twice. I assumed given she has only been in two long term relationships this was probably her insecurities over performance. She knows I have been in significantly more relationships than her and had more sexual partners (Im 5 years older than her too).

 

I guess I could understand if it was rubbish or a disaster but on the whole it actually wasnt. Also her behaviour later on the next day seemed normal (despite her being frosty the next morning), she called me and was all laughing and flirting etc.

[gone_girl]

Maybe it wasn't you. Maybe she has someone else in her mind and the sex wasn't enough to make her forget him... And even though she said it was good, she may have resented you for not being him. That's my guess.

[Art_Critic]

Maybe she got on Match to see if your were online and you were....

 

Sounds to me that she sensed something and her deal breaker went off.. used.. you were hardly used...

[Stasiman]

Maybe she got on Match to see if your were online and you were....

 

Sounds to me that she sensed something and her deal breaker went off.. used.. you were hardly used...

 

Perfectly possible this. Generally throughout our short yet intense dating she had a sort of vibe that she felt a bit inadequate.

 

She commented I was out of her league, she told me she wasnt sure if I would want to see her again after the first date, she said I was a great kisser and asked me if I thought she was etc. There was more than once when I was left thinking "why is she coming across so unsure of herself".

 

She certainly had insecurities as it seemed she has had bad luck with being cheated on in the past. I did my best to try to dampen these insecurities throughout.

 

She could easily have seen me on Match and jumped to the conclusion I was telling her sweet nothings to keep her around.

[Saracena]

Actually now have read your last post and viewed in this context, asking you twice about how the sex was for you, is in fact, a little odd! I would have thought normally if it was bad for one person, it's more usual to say nothing at all. So sounds more now as if her insecurities are driving it all. Perhaps she's been told in the past she's been lacking in that department and has a bit of a hang-up. Set off a bit of an insecure spell......

[Marc878]

Insecurity can equal drama.

 

I wouldn't do anymore contacting.

 

Some with insecurities sabotage relationships.

 

Dealing with that's gets old real quick

[Gaeta]

The answer is in the sex.

 

 

 

I thought her wording very telling: Was the sex good for you, indicates it was not for her. Who knows maybe she likes being slapped around in bed.

 

 

 

She sounds like someone recently single. Don't date those. This forum is full of the same story playing over and over and most of the time it's about dating someone recently single.

[MidwestUSA]

With the added information, I'm also thinking it's her own insecurities. She feels like she doesn't measure up (to you).

 

Hence asking twice about the sex - not because it was bad, but she's embarrassed. For whatever reason. Go figure. Maybe she doesn't want to get addicted, thinking she'll eventually let you down. Maybe she knows she needs to drink to get into it. Maybe she's rethinking her performance, or doesn't remember everything.

 

I don't know. You can't help her.

[d0nnivain]

Try sending her flowers. Seriously.

 

She may have been hoping for you to ratchet up the romance after the sex but when you got immersed in your work project she internalized that & thought it was about her. Remember she already told you she thought you were out of her league. If she really is that insecure she needs reassurance.

 

When you send the flowers tell her how much you like her, that you hope her family member is feeling better & that you want to see her again.

 

See if that helps.

[Stasiman]

There was certainly evidence that she was quite insecure and she kind of had a wounded, vulnerable composure about her throughout.

 

Needless to say, we had a fantastic 5 dates with some of the best chemistry Ive ever experienced.

 

Seems a real shame she dropped it so easily and quickly. I certainly think the situations that arose in her working week and personal life this past week contributed to her feeling stressed and unsure.

 

I was understanding, reasonable and told her if she changes her mind or if things change for her to get in touch. I obviously have zero intention of contacting her or anything.

 

I do feel to some extent she has backed away due to her own insecurities and fears though.

[Lotsgoingon]

Worth pointing out she showed quite a lot of insecurity issues throughout the short time I knew her, she had been cheated on in her previous marriage and showed quite a few signs she had low self esteem and confidence. At one point she even verbalised that she thought I was out of her league.

 

I have never had a relationship work out for me when a woman told me or even hinted to me that I was out of her league. Period. Game over. That's a flaming red flag ... Trust people with they tell you that. Trust them. No one says this randomly. In other words, you were out of her league--however she defines league. She didn't feel good enough for you.

 

I have almost never seen a relationship work out happily with someone who was insecure. I put the "almost" there ... But really the answer is "never."

 

It's interesting that you include this information on her insecurities--last! ... That was the most important information here. Not the fun dates, not the flirting, not the sex, not her orgasm. The most important info was that she was insecure.

 

First requirement of a relationship: the person has to feel worthy enough to receive joy and love and attention. If they don't feel worthy, they will undermine the relationship to get on more secure ground. That's why human beings avoid insecure people.

 

There's little else to say dude. She freaked at the intimacy ... freaked after the sex ... She might have been quietly hiding feelings all along.

 

Her asking you if the sex was good. That's an entirely new level of insecurity. Never had a woman ask that. I have never asked that ...And I've had my insecurities and trust me the women I've dated have had insecurities. But never as insecure as to send me a note like that.

 

Tip: you make clear that you're an experienced dater and you can notice energy and flirting ... excellent. Now add this piece to your dating software: noticing insecurity ... Listening when a person tells you of insecurities. Stop ... pause ... before proceeding.

 

Awkward as hell, I know to be having a good time ... to really feel affection for this person in front of you ... and then to get yourself to stop, pull yourself off the intoxicating fun high ... and to pause ... and most likely run ... But that's what you gotta do.

[d0nnivain]

I do feel to some extent she has backed away due to her own insecurities and fears though.

 

If that is true, the flowers will fix it.

[Stasiman]

Try sending her flowers. Seriously.

 

She may have been hoping for you to ratchet up the romance after the sex but when you got immersed in your work project she internalized that & thought it was about her. Remember she already told you she thought you were out of her league. If she really is that insecure she needs reassurance.

 

When you send the flowers tell her how much you like her, that you hope her family member is feeling better & that you want to see her again.

 

See if that helps.

 

 

I have considered this. If her internalized image of me is that of out of her league and someone who has dated siginificantly more than she has I probably have come across this way unknowingly by being cool and not needy or anything (e.g. immersing myself in my project). As I said she even mentioned that she was worried she had scared me off! Which couldnt have been further from the truth at that point. I didnt really understand why she would say this as I had stayed in touch with her as usual.

 

I did feel she needed reassurance the day after we had sex and was sure to mention I had a great time and how great I think she is etc.

 

I do feel like I have done enough to show I like her and she hasnt nothing to worry about (which she doesnt!), I sent her nice supportive messages and generally was being nice despite her being off and cold with me. I have left the door open for her and was very understanding when she dropped me, I feel she will have to come back to me if she wants to start again.

 

There is two things going on I think. Firstly the whole shutting down after sex and displaying insecure traits. Secondly she did genuinely have a really rough week last week and verbalised that she felt she had completely crashed and burned.

 

As I mentioned in my original post I do have a weird gut feeling she will pop up again (this isnt just wishful thinking on my part either as I have a genuine feeling).

Edited June 24, 2018 by Stasiman

[Art_Critic]

Try sending her flowers. Seriously.

 

That has always been my go to after having sex for the first time.. next day they get a bunch of flowers.. There isn't a woman alive who after having sex with a new guy wouldn't want to hear/feel that the night before was special....

[d0nnivain]

I do feel like I have done enough to show I like her and she hasnt nothing to worry about (which she doesnt!).

 

This isn't about what you think. It's about what she thinks.

 

You have given her what you think is enough. However, since she is pulling away after having previously said she thinks you are out of her league, she needs more then what you think should be enough. A text is a cheap easy way of communicating. It's a throw away. Took you seconds to send that message. No effort at all. It's practically meaningless.

 

So what do you want? Do you want her to accept what you think ought to be enough or do you want to save this otherwise good relationship? If you want this to progress, try the flowers . . . a nice mixed bouquet about $25 plus delivery. Not long stemmed red roses (unless you can get a mixed bouquet on sale) Do include a sweet message on the enclosed card. It's about the effort.

 

If you are content with her disappearing out of your life, keep standing there insisting you have done enough.

 

If you really hate the flowers, idea you still have to do something that counts as a "grand" gesture. It's about the effort.

[Art_Critic]

I did feel she needed reassurance the day after we had sex and was sure to mention I had a great time and how great I think she is etc.

 

Then she saw you on Match...and whatever she was feeling in her insecurities came forward...

[Stasiman]

Then she saw you on Match...and whatever she was feeling in her insecurities came forward...

 

Yes, that absolutely will not have helped the situation at all.

 

I totally understand the logic of the flowers gesture and largely agree that at this point I have very little to lose.

 

On the other hand if I am to take what she said about not being ready for a relationship at face value I dont want to pressure her in any way and would prefer to just leave the door open and see if she pops back up over the coming weeks.

 

Im torn

[Lotsgoingon]

You cannot reassure an insecure person.

 

That's the point. Has nothing to do with how generous you are ... how open and reassuring you are ... You could spend hours a day reassuring people with real insecurities ... I've done that, btw.

 

They have to work on this and fix it themselves ... and find people with whom they feel secure.

 

That's the point: insecurities are deep! ... If kind words and good treatment could fix insecurity, then we'd be in a different world ... This isn't a toddler or an impressionable, still-developing early teen who with parents' support and some good friendships can overcome feeling inferior ... This is a full-grown adult and mother.

 

One more time ... if a woman tells you that you're out of her league, listen to her. Doesn't matter that you try to be regular and all that.

 

Do you really think that if you just try to be down-to-earth ... that that cures her insecurities? ... Insecurities are not based on current treatment by someone ... That's a fiction ... They're deep ... sometimes biological ... sometimes result of parenting ... sometimes mental illness ...

 

By the way, if you think she was so wrong in a judgment like that--that you're out of her league--then you really don't have much respect for her thinking.

 

If you don't listen to her, you're basically saying her thinking is off ... either way, it's exit time.

[Stasiman]

By the way, if you think she was so wrong in a judgment like that--that you're out of her league--then you really don't have much respect for her thinking.

 

The irony is I quite honestly felt (and still do) that it was the other way around!

[d0nnivain]

On the other hand if I am to take what she said about not being ready for a relationship at face value I dont want to pressure her in any way and would prefer to just leave the door open and see if she pops back up over the coming weeks.

 

Not gonna happen. She's playing the "chase me" game. She wants you to prove that you like her. She's saying she's not ready because she is trying to save face & convince herself that you didn't dump her.

[Lotsgoingon]

You know, there is a cute version of this that works.

 

Person 1 thinks they are so lucky to be with person 2.

 

Person 2 thinks they are so lucky to be with person 1.

 

You might think she's in another league, but you're aspiring to get to that next level ... so you're not insecure ... You're just like, "this is the kinda woman I want to be with." ... Not so, for her.

 

By the way, fake modesty ... really jams the circuits when it comes to noticing insecurities ... Make sure you're not doing the fake modest thing.

[Stasiman]

Not gonna happen. She's playing the "chase me" game. She wants you to prove that you like her. She's saying she's not ready because she is trying to save face & convince herself that you didn't dump her.

 

You may well be right. However I did ask her to meet again (for dinner) and she then dropped me. Ive not just disappeared or anything, I stuck around despite her giving me very little to work with.

 

On the other hand, its entirely possible she wants me to put some serious effort in as she needs to feel Im not just in it for the sex.

 

I may leave it a week.

 

Incidentally many many years ago I went on three dates with a girl (no sex). For whatever reason she ditched me with some excuse. I went all out and sent her a nice email explaining how I felt about her. We ended up a couple for 4 years. Sometimes the big gentures can turn things around.

Edited June 24, 2018 by Stasiman