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"I care about you" vs "I love you"


Daissyy

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Hi all

 

My first post:). So I have been with this guy for a year and half. He uses the phrase "I care about you" instead of "I love you". We have great chemistry and have fun together but I wonder of he is in love with me. I don't know what to think anymore.

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DrReplyInRhymes
Hi all

 

My first post:). So I have been with this guy for a year and half. He uses the phrase "I care about you" instead of "I love you". We have great chemistry and have fun together but I wonder of he is in love with me. I don't know what to think anymore.

 

Ask him quite plainly, "Do you love me good sir,

Is it too hard to put that into a few words?"

Perhaps he's holding it in and waiting for the right moment,

Or perhaps he doesn't love you and should just come out and own it.

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Lotsgoingon
So I have been with this guy for a year and half. He uses the phrase "I care about you" instead of "I love you". We have great chemistry and have fun together but I wonder of he is in love with me. I don't know what to think anymore.

 

The words do matter, more than I used to think they matter.

 

I care about you DOES NOT equal ... I love you ... Heck I cared about every single woman I dated ... didn't mean I was really into them or wanted things to work out long term.

 

Now I'm gonna challenge you ... I don't believe that the chemistry between you is so great. Have you dated a lot? I'm wondering if you simply have a low standard to judge chemistry.

 

So let's forget "chemistry." And let me ask some questions.

 

  • Does he tell you that he feels extraordinarily lucky to be with you?
     
     
  • Does he act like he won the lottery by being with you?
     
     
  • Does he tell you that you're wonderful?
     
     
  • Does he tell you that you're beautiful?
     
     
  • Does he tell you that you're so sexy?
     
     
  • Does he tell you that you're so smart?
     
     
  • Being brutally honest, who wants to spend time together the most?: You or him?
     
     
  • Does he brag about you and what you're doing with your life in front of his friends ... and even in front of your friends?
     
     
  • Does he regularly do stuff in the relationship that impresses the hell out of you? Stuff you tell your gf's about?

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Ask him quite plainly, "Do you love me good sir,

Is it too hard to put that into a few words?"

Perhaps he's holding it in and waiting for the right moment,

Or perhaps he doesn't love you and should just come out and own it.

 

When the topic comes up he says that love is overrated. Other than that he does tell me I'm beautiful, sexy, he admires how hard I work, my principles e.t.c......well, I haven't dated much before him. I worry about being naive sometimes.

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He doesn't say "I love you" because to him it means things are leading to marriage. He's not thinking of marriage nor wants you think that it is. So he plays it safe with "I care about you."

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The words do matter, more than I used to think they matter.

 

I care about you DOES NOT equal ... I love you ... Heck I cared about every single woman I dated ... didn't mean I was really into them or wanted things to work out long term.

 

Now I'm gonna challenge you ... I don't believe that the chemistry between you is so great. Have you dated a lot? I'm wondering if you simply have a low standard to judge chemistry.

 

So let's forget "chemistry." And let me ask some questions.

 

  • Does he tell you that he feels extraordinarily lucky to be with you?
     
     
  • Does he act like he won the lottery by being with you?
     
     
  • Does he tell you that you're wonderful?
     
     
  • Does he tell you that you're beautiful?
     
     
  • Does he tell you that you're so sexy?
     
     
  • Does he tell you that you're so smart?
     
     
  • Being brutally honest, who wants to spend time together the most?: You or him?
     
     
  • Does he brag about you and what you're doing with your life in front of his friends ... and even in front of your friends?
     
     
  • Does he regularly do stuff in the relationship that impresses the hell out of you? Stuff you tell your gf's about?

 

He does most of the things you mention, but is that enough though for him to tell.me how wonderful I am, that he admires me, I'm beautiful, sexy, he calls, texts, he initiates dates. At what point does one admit they are in love? Isn't a year and half too long?

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Lotsgoingon

Well, it's up to you whether you can live with "I care about you."

 

Speaking for myself, if I'm getting really invested in a person and I want a long-term relationship, then yes, I want to hear "I love you." And I have been burned by not paying attention to that in the past ...

 

"Love is overrated" sounds juvenile and evasive to me ... Do you know what he means by that? Or rather, what does he say he means by that?

 

But no, in my view for me, someone saying they "care" about me is NOT enough. One reason it's not enough is that to me this reluctance (let's say he does feel love) is an indicator of some emotional block or emotional distance ... and so refusal to say the words ... tells me that he's not as emotionally mature and open as I want a long-term partner to be.

 

I want an emotionally open and generous person. That's a requirement--non-negotiable.

 

Oh Lord, I once dated a woman who told me a variation of this "I don't feel comfortable saying love" thing ... Said it was because her mother was cheated on and burned by her father ... that her mother had made her paranoid about men ... and distrusting men ... I believed her ... sorta!

 

Well she ultimately dumped me and fell deeply in love with the next guy.

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Well, it's up to you whether you can live with "I care about you."

 

Speaking for myself, if I'm getting really invested in a person and I want a long-term relationship, then yes, I want to hear "I love you." And I have been burned by not paying attention to that in the past ...

 

"Love is overrated" sounds juvenile and evasive to me ... Do you know what he means by that? Or rather, what does he say he means by that?

 

But no, in my view for me, someone saying they "care" about me is NOT enough. One reason it's not enough is that to me this reluctance (let's say he does feel love) is an indicator of some emotional block or emotional distance ... and so refusal to say the words ... tells me that he's not as emotionally mature and open as I want a long-term partner to be.

 

I want an emotionally open and generous person. That's a requirement--non-negotiable.

 

Oh Lord, I once dated a woman who told me a variation of this "I don't feel comfortable saying love" thing ... Said it was because her mother was cheated on and burned by her father ... that her mother had made her paranoid about men ... and distrusting men ... I believed her ... sorta!

 

Well she ultimately dumped me and fell deeply in love with the next guy.

 

I guess I have a lot to think about. :(

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DrReplyInRhymes

Actions speak louder than words.

 

Just because someone says they love you doesn't mean ****. Look for the actions, not the words.

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Actions speak louder than words.

 

Just because someone says they love you doesn't mean ****. Look for the actions, not the words.

 

I will consider that as well.

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DrReplyInRhymes
I will consider that as well.

 

Think of it this way.

 

I'll use my experiences as examples. Simply swap out "she" with "he" in your case.

 

If she says she wants to spend time with you but makes no effort to see you, what do you do? You believe the actions: she isn't making any effort to see you.

 

If she says she loves you but is talking to other dudes sexually behind your back, what do you do? You believe the actions: she's sexting other dudes behind your back.

 

If she says she wants to build a future with you but hides you from her family and friends, what do you do? You believe the actions: She's not introducing you to them for whatever reason.

 

If she says she loves you deeply but can't even remember your name, what do you do? You believe the actions: She can't remember your name.

 

I mean, it's pretty obvious when you're being played. You can choose to play along until it gets old, you can choose to ignore it, or you can walk away.

 

Either way, the choice is yours.

 

I miss rhyming.

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Love and care are two different words with two different meanings... it's simple.

 

I have a guy now and I tell him I 'care' about him because I do. I'm not going to say love though I possibly do feel it as a friend but won't use the word in any context yet because 'love' is a loaded word... and can be misinterpreted. Unless I fall in love' with him... which I might... I'll only ever say I 'care'.

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Lotsgoingon

I agree with a lot of Dr.Reply ... except for this ...

 

I do not think it's obvious when you are being "played."

 

Especially in your situation, where he does a lot of good things ... Or the ex gf I talked about who was uncomfortable saying "love" ... lots of wonderful things ... and yet there was a problem.

 

So here's a question for you Daissy:

 

Are you interested ultimately in marrying this guy? If so, I would pay attention to the feeling you have that there may be something off about your bf's reluctance to utter the "l" word.

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I would not give a man more than 6 months to express ILY. Anything longer than that means he has issues, he's emotionally constipated, or he is incapable of falling in love for some reasons. What ever it might be I am not a shrink and I would set him free so he can figure himself out.

 

 

 

The same guy that doesn't say ILY for 1,5 year will move on and you'll learn 6 months later he's in love and getting married and there was never an issue with ILY, he just didn't feel it strong enough to burst it out with you.

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I would not give a man more than 6 months to express ILY. Anything longer than that means he has issues, he's emotionally constipated, or he is incapable of falling in love for some reasons. What ever it might be I am not a shrink and I would set him free so he can figure himself out.

 

 

 

The same guy that doesn't say ILY for 1,5 year will move on and you'll learn 6 months later he's in love and getting married and there was never an issue with ILY, he just didn't feel it strong enough to burst it out with you.

 

I agree with this. I believe men fall in love quite quickly and there's studies that agree they fall faster than women and that they tend to say the L word first... life experience has taught me any man falling in love will never leave you wondering, and he'll confess his feelings so fast it'll leave you reeling because when they're in love they want to stake their claim on you in no uncertain terms.

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DrReplyInRhymes
I would not give a man more than 6 months to express ILY. Anything longer than that means he has issues, he's emotionally constipated, or he is incapable of falling in love for some reasons. What ever it might be I am not a shrink and I would set him free so he can figure himself out.

 

 

 

The same guy that doesn't say ILY for 1,5 year will move on and you'll learn 6 months later he's in love and getting married and there was never an issue with ILY, he just didn't feel it strong enough to burst it out with you.

 

While I adore your replies and your mindset even more,

I fall into the category of not admitting love at the door,

I often hold back from saying it until I know it's painfully true,

Even then, I have trouble announcing it afterward because of issues I went through!

 

I would know that I loved her, yet I wouldn't say it out loud,

For fear of her leaving me afterward and with the dust-formed cloud,

So I often hold onto that phrase until I know for sure I meant it,

Otherwise it's like a ****ty email that you tried to delete but accidentally sent it.

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It is all so confusing. I know for sure that I want a stable relationship, not necessarily marriage. I honestly feel like a year and a half is too long. I probably should have a conversation about this with him. I guess how he responds will guide me.

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It is all so confusing. I know for sure that I want a stable relationship, not necessarily marriage. I honestly feel like a year and a half is too long. I probably should have a conversation about this with him. I guess how he responds will guide me.

 

 

Didn't he already answered you? when he said ILY is over-rated.

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people say "I love you" so much now a days that the phrase has become meaningless

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Didn't he already answered you? when he said ILY is over-rated.

 

He said that, I however never asked what he means. I need to have a more deeper conversation. The kind that will help me a decision because at the moment I'm not sure if I'm going forward or backwards.

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While I adore your replies and your mindset even more,

I fall into the category of not admitting love at the door,

I often hold back from saying it until I know it's painfully true,

Even then, I have trouble announcing it afterward because of issues I went through!

 

I would know that I loved her, yet I wouldn't say it out loud,

For fear of her leaving me afterward and with the dust-formed cloud,

So I often hold onto that phrase until I know for sure I meant it,

Otherwise it's like a ****ty email that you tried to delete but accidentally sent it.

 

 

Does it take you +1,5 year? That's a long long time!

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DrReplyInRhymes
Does it take you +1,5 year? That's a long long time!

 

I can't rhyme this one.

 

Simply put, she was amazing. Still is, actually, it's just that someone else has her heart, and it's not me. This is my most recent relationship and will use that as an example since it's the freshest.

 

I met her 3 years ago. Fell in love with her right away because she was basically everything I wanted in a woman. I didn't say it though because she was the first woman I'd been with after taking about 10 months off from dating around.

 

The next 6 months was spent with her trying to win my love and showing me what an awesome relationship would be like. We were basically in a relationship without the title.

 

We broke up because she kept contacting her old fwb behind my back. We got back together after about 8 months or so and I eventually told her I loved her. All in all, I think it took nearly 4 months to know it, and about a year to actually tell her.

 

Generally speaking, I won't admit I love someone within the first 6 months even if I feel it. I'd rather confirm my own feelings and admit it later than to prematurely say it. Everyone knows women hate premature ....dudes.

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I can't rhyme this one.

 

Simply put, she was amazing. Still is, actually, it's just that someone else has her heart, and it's not me. This is my most recent relationship and will use that as an example since it's the freshest.

 

I met her 3 years ago. Fell in love with her right away because she was basically everything I wanted in a woman. I didn't say it though because she was the first woman I'd been with after taking about 10 months off from dating around.

 

The next 6 months was spent with her trying to win my love and showing me what an awesome relationship would be like. We were basically in a relationship without the title.

 

We broke up because she kept contacting her old fwb behind my back. We got back together after about 8 months or so and I eventually told her I loved her. All in all, I think it took nearly 4 months to know it, and about a year to actually tell her.

 

Generally speaking, I won't admit I love someone within the first 6 months even if I feel it. I'd rather confirm my own feelings and admit it later than to prematurely say it. Everyone knows women hate premature ....dudes.

 

 

It was not the best of circumstances to re-learn how to say ILY again. To give an ILY you have to trust that person will hold and sharish your love declaration. It sounds like you knew it was risky with her contacting her ex.

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He said that, I however never asked what he means. I need to have a more deeper conversation. The kind that will help me a decision because at the moment I'm not sure if I'm going forward or backwards.

 

 

Out of curiosity, how long he had been single when you started dating?

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Out of curiosity, how long he had been single when you started dating?

 

He said his last relationship was 5 years ago.

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