Dating

[ktmiller222]

So I met this guy on a dating app in March and we've been dating since. I like him a lot but I really want a relationship and I don't know if he does. Some days he'll sound like it (talking about future things/wanting to look better for me) and other days he doesn't (talking about pick up lines I've told him about and he says he will use it on girls). I can't take this hot/cold vibe I get from him anymore. We text pretty much every day (once and a while, we'll go a day without texting). He bought me something 3 weeks ago and it just threw me off. Next time we go out, I kind of just want to just meet him somewhere (instead of him driving) like how we did at the beginning of dating. I want to just be like "I sense we want 2 different things" but I don't know how he will react. He is 38 years old and I think after 3 months, things should be more serious by now. Any advice?

[warp123]

Have you checked if hes still online on those apps?

 

3 months is enough for one of the two wanting to know whats going on, why dont you just ask?

[Gaeta]

You never asked this guy what he was looking for on a dating app? have you ever expressed what you were looking for?

 

 

When I was online dating the very 1st question I asked after *hello* was *so! what are you looking for on here*, I don't understand dating for 3 months without clarifying this.

[Lotsgoingon]

He bought me something 3 weeks ago and it just threw me off.

 

First, buying someone a gift, I'm sorry to say, absolutely means nothing--especially this context. I'm not why this insight isn't widely told, it would clear up a lot of confusion ...

 

In the old days, I confess, I'd buy people gifts just to keep them stringing along. Be distant, be hot and cold, be ambivalent (confessions) ... then buy a gift ... it bought me more time ...I didn't always know I was doing this, but that's what I was doing. And this is what your man is doing.

 

So don't be confused by a gift. It's meaningless. Focus in on your feelings, which are telling you that you don't feel great about this relationship. A good relationship of the type you seem to want is about mutual connection first ... connection in the moment ... connection in long-term goals and values. And most important of all, a good relationship is about feeling secure, loved and supported--both partners.

 

You're quite precise and sharp in identifying how he goes hot and cold ... talks about the relationship, then about picking up girls ... That behavior is telling you something: that either he's not that into you ... or that he's just not mature enough for a relationship ...or that he's cruel ... or combination of all the above ...

 

Take your excellent analysis and your feelings (they align perfectly) and apply the next logical conclusion ... He is not the right partner for you. Period. Game over. Doesn't matter the reason "why." Doesn't matter if he thinks he's a great partner. Could be that he had a bad childhood, so what?

 

Now here's a tip, a clear indicator that you want to get better at dating and at assessing men ... and a tip that you're not with the right person. This is a chance to develop your confidence ... and frankly, this is why he's been stringing you along--because he can get away with it.

 

Next time we go out, I kind of just want to just meet him somewhere (instead of him driving) like how we did at the beginning of dating. I want to just be like "I sense we want 2 different things" but I don't know how he will react.

 

You "don't now how he'll react"? So what? ... If you're afraid to get the basics down on what he wants with you and what he wants from a relationship, then you're either with an abuser ... or you want to work on your confidence. So what if he gets mad? ... You can't have a relationship in which you're afraid to get basic clarity about the relationship. That's your answer. He's not the right person.

 

The truth is people don't always come out and clearly explain what they feel and what they want in a relationship. But it's our job to still reach a conclusion about what they want.

 

Final point: actually what he wants is still only of secondary importance ... I wanted a long-term relationship for years ... and was totally ill-equipped and way too immature to be able to be a good partner for someone else or for myself for that matter. So it didn't really matter what I wanted.

 

What you want is a partner who can be in a good relationship with you now. Not that the person wants whatever ... that they can deliver whatever is what you want.

 

Trust yourself: this guy is hot and cold ... hot and cold in relationship means isn't ready, isn't equipped and/or doesn't really want to date us. It's up to us to reach that conclusion. They may never tell us that in their words.

Edited June 22, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[d0nnivain]

These are your choices:

 

1 Do nothing & continue as you are even though it's making you unhappy.

 

2. Jump the gun & break up with him based on what you think he wants even though in reality you have absolutely no idea.

 

3. Be mature & ask him. If he wants something different then what you want, at least you can make a decision based on facts rather than supposition