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hey all. I (27, F) have been in a relationship with a wonderful guy (34) for almost six months now. It's a great relationship in which we are equal, have a lot of fun, a lot of affection, have met family and friends and want the same things and have discussed these before (marriage and children). He took me out for a day as a surprise, gives me compliments which mean more than just the typical 'you're beautiful (he often says how good i am to him and for him, how he appreciates me, and always thanks me for being understanding) and in general is really good to me and makes me happu. Due to previous failed relationships (being told someone won't ever love you) I've become more insecure and anxious, and am a typical overthinker. Since I started dating my current boyfriend, these insecurities have slowly faded over time but they creep up every now and then, which is what is happening now. I had been single for abut a year, he had been single for 4 years when we met.

 

When we first started dating, we waited a good 1,5 month before we had sex, neither of us wanted to jump into anything. We aren't the type of couple that has sex 4 times a day and although i have a high sex drive, that doesn't bother me in the slightest. When we do have sex it's good, he cuddles me afterwards and overall it just feels right. Lately however, the sex/intimacy is almost non existent, and if it does happen I am the one that initiates it. He is incredibly affectionate, always holds my hand, hugs me, cuddles me in bed, kisses me. I know he is attracted to me and sometimes I catch him just looking at me and has a smile on his face. I am very happy, but the non intimacy is making me really insecure. So far I have put it down to stress - his work has been a bit of a sh*t show, with redundancies and the like, he also has a lot on his plate with work - basically does a job fit for 4 people, he sometimes does work over the weekend, and when he is home in the evenings, or at mine, he does more work. He is now considering taking redundancy as well, which means there is even more pressure on him. Taking into account he also bought a house, i can completely understand why this makes him nervous and tired. I have nudged him before, ever so carefully, about this and he said he is just permanently exhausted and that's why he isn't in the mood. This has been going on since early May, and we haven't had sex in about a month now.

 

I am just wondering what your thoughts are on this? I am known for always making up excuses for the guy I am with and failing to see there is a bigger issue...I don't want to put him under pressure even more by making this a massive issue, but it is eating away at me and makes me insecure, thinking whether he still wants me/likes me or not. Is his stressful situation really the reason behind this, making him tired and not interested in sex?

 

thanks so much x

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salparadise

Tired is the excuse, not the reason. He is not feeling sexual toward you, and at the six month point you'd expect a 34 year old man to be wearing it out. It's almost certainly about the relationship dynamics, possibly combined with low sex drive.

 

You mentioned your insecurities. How has this manifested? Have you rejected sex very often when he tried to initiate? If so, he might have decided at some point to just wait until you green-light a romp in the bedroom. Who wears the pants in this relationship? Does he have to work hard to keep you happy? Do you affirm him personally and sexually without reservation? Have there been any performance issues?

 

You probably need to get this issue out on the table where you can deal with it. No sex in a new relationship is a problem for sure.

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thanks salparadise for your reply. just to confirm i do not reject any of his sexual advances, there just haven't really been any. It's me who makes the advances. He is very affectionate and touchy with me, everything that I'd want, just lacking the actual intercourse intimacy.

 

My insecurities do not manifest in the way they did in previous relationships. I have learnt to stop and think before i act, to see if there actually is an issue or if I see an issue due to my insecurities. I take a step back, assess the situation and realize its actually ME who sees an issue. Because of how I handle things now, i feel a lot more secure and confident.

 

No one necessarily wears the pants in our relationship, we are equal to each other. If anything, i have been the one massively supporting him during the last few weeks of his job problems and he multiple times he has told me how much he appreciates me and how i am a saint for putting up with him. He is never groggy about the situation, he just gets tired. So if anyone is being 'hard work' its him, and not me (even though i do not see him as hard work at all!). I am naturally a very caring and giving person and he sees this and acknowledges this.

 

no performance issue, it 'goes up' so to speak and when we do have sex we both orgasm.

 

i know that stress can have a massive effect on someones libido and before the house/job stress happened we were sexually aligned so to speak...

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So you do have sex it's just that you have to initiate it? Does he reject your initiatives sometimes?

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So you do have sex it's just that you have to initiate it? Does he reject your initiatives sometimes?

 

 

well we haven't had sex in almost a month, and I initiated some 'hand' work about two weeks ago. He was receptive and reciprocated, but i feel like he did it because he knew i was keen. Up until now he hasn't rejected sex, but when we're in bed and we're close, kissing and holding each other, at one point he will break off the kissing, give me a kiss on my forehead and go to sleep whilst still holding me. This has all started when his job issues happened, before that we had more sex, with both of us initiating.

 

I do want to speak to him about it this weekend, but i am not sure how to broach the subject or speak about it without putting pressure on it. If he truly has lost his libido due to stress, i understand and am fine with it, but i guess i am scared he isn't sexually attracted to me...

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If he truly has lost his libido due to stress, i understand and am fine with it, but i guess i am scared he isn't sexually attracted to me...

 

I think you say exactly that. Good luck.

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You're dating, which is where you figure out if he's worth your time. So rather than continue to waste your time interminably, you would do well to dump him.

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I think you say exactly that. Good luck.

 

thank you! in your honest opinion - if he doesn't feel sexually attracted to me, but everything else is good in our relationship, want the same things etc...time to move on?

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If a healthy sexual relationship with a partner that finds you attractive is important to you, I would say it is probably time to move on. Assuming, that it is not just related to stress of health and the problem is not going to resolve.

 

You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. I would want a partner who will be my partner for life - I would want children, intimacy, love, and everything else that comes with a healthy sexual relationship.

 

This is a relatively new relationship. It's sad, but best you know now than when you've been together for six years. Good luck.

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Before throwing everything out have an honest and open conversation with him. Maybe he's stuck in a rut and he doens't realize it's been weeks with no sex.

 

 

I remember last year I was stuck in a rut, I was tired all the time, during the day I'd promised myself I'd make an effort to have sex with my bf at night and when night came I was as dead as a log.

 

 

At some point my BF asked if it was normal for me to have so little sex and that's when I realized I needed to change something or I'd eventually lose him over this.

 

 

I made the necessary change, he started sleeping at his place 4 nights a week so I could have my 8-9 hour sleep. From there I got back being myself.

 

 

 

Talk to him.

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thanks salparadise for your reply. just to confirm i do not reject any of his sexual advances, there just haven't really been any. It's me who makes the advances. He is very affectionate and touchy with me, everything that I'd want, just lacking the actual intercourse intimacy.

 

My insecurities do not manifest in the way they did in previous relationships. I have learnt to stop and think before i act, to see if there actually is an issue or if I see an issue due to my insecurities. I take a step back, assess the situation and realize its actually ME who sees an issue. Because of how I handle things now, i feel a lot more secure and confident.

 

No one necessarily wears the pants in our relationship, we are equal to each other. If anything, i have been the one massively supporting him during the last few weeks of his job problems and he multiple times he has told me how much he appreciates me and how i am a saint for putting up with him. He is never groggy about the situation, he just gets tired. So if anyone is being 'hard work' its him, and not me (even though i do not see him as hard work at all!). I am naturally a very caring and giving person and he sees this and acknowledges this.

 

no performance issue, it 'goes up' so to speak and when we do have sex we both orgasm.

 

i know that stress can have a massive effect on someones libido and before the house/job stress happened we were sexually aligned so to speak...

 

Your normal he's the one that not normal. So you have HSD wow and he seems to be LSD or a dud in the sack. Just maybe he has lost it with you sexually if he's not aroused by your presence anymore. Sounds like it to me. I know how that is too. Have you too argue over silly things or just did a tit and tack? He has mental issues and your starting to climbing up to the ceiling over this now. Might be time to re-think this so called relationship you deserve better. I am the same boat as well. I have new jobs taking on I am about to quit my current job for new job. I keep the old one because of the GF. She's not here anymore when she was it was like you described about your situation. I think now I understand things a lot better. The connection is gone, not just getting up to go to work but the meaning of life, love and happiness. If you stop feeling that altogether what do you end up with a dud! Lack of interest but just sticking around because you don't want to be on your own. No Sex, No Love, No cuddle, No holding hands. Getting the words, well I don't want to do that.. Seeing the point .. Time to get out and even if you talk to them just not going to go your way...

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Before throwing everything out have an honest and open conversation with him. Maybe he's stuck in a rut and he doens't realize it's been weeks with no sex.

 

 

I remember last year I was stuck in a rut, I was tired all the time, during the day I'd promised myself I'd make an effort to have sex with my bf at night and when night came I was as dead as a log.

 

 

At some point my BF asked if it was normal for me to have so little sex and that's when I realized I needed to change something or I'd eventually lose him over this.

 

 

I made the necessary change, he started sleeping at his place 4 nights a week so I could have my 8-9 hour sleep. From there I got back being myself.

 

 

 

Talk to him.

 

thank you for your lovely reply and understanding! part of me really does think this is a phase, he is so tired every evening and morning. He basically has one week left at his current job if he decides to take redundancy, and then has the entire month July off. I am hoping that this will mean a change in his stress levels, and hopefully increase in libido. As much as I want to talk to him about it this weekend, it may be better to let him deal with this redundancy situation, without putting this on his plate as well. He had a lower libido before due to work stress, but i noticed a massive change when the pressure was off him and he was then the one to initiate.

 

I will give him a little more time to sort this out, but i will definitely talk to him if nothing has changed once his work stress is gone. Thanks again so much!

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thank you for your lovely reply and understanding! part of me really does think this is a phase, he is so tired every evening and morning. He basically has one week left at his current job if he decides to take redundancy, and then has the entire month July off. I am hoping that this will mean a change in his stress levels, and hopefully increase in libido. As much as I want to talk to him about it this weekend, it may be better to let him deal with this redundancy situation, without putting this on his plate as well. He had a lower libido before due to work stress, but i noticed a massive change when the pressure was off him and he was then the one to initiate.

 

I will give him a little more time to sort this out, but i will definitely talk to him if nothing has changed once his work stress is gone. Thanks again so much!

 

My dear your doing what I do best, you really need to have it out with him over this otherwise nothing is going to change other than the fact you will not be really happy. Stress and tired just excuses... Your not an excuse your needs are not being met. I go through the same thing myself.. I give and give and let things go their way but not the way it suppose to go.. Oh well give him the time to come around I bet he won't and you'll end-up unhappier than you are right now..

 

Look up the word "Instant Gratification"

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thank you for your lovely reply and understanding! part of me really does think this is a phase, he is so tired every evening and morning. He basically has one week left at his current job if he decides to take redundancy, and then has the entire month July off. I am hoping that this will mean a change in his stress levels, and hopefully increase in libido. As much as I want to talk to him about it this weekend, it may be better to let him deal with this redundancy situation, without putting this on his plate as well. He had a lower libido before due to work stress, but i noticed a massive change when the pressure was off him and he was then the one to initiate.

 

I will give him a little more time to sort this out, but i will definitely talk to him if nothing has changed once his work stress is gone. Thanks again so much!

 

 

That sounds like a good plan July is practically here.

 

 

 

Then if indeed it's stress affecting him you'll have to accept this will be a recurring phase in your life. On a level of 1 to 10 how much would you rate his situation stressful? Maybe he's less tolerant to stress then other men his age. You've only met him 6 months ago so maybe he has other underlying issues you don't know about like depression, etc. Only time and getting to him better will tell.

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That sounds like a good plan July is practically here.

 

 

 

Then if indeed it's stress affecting him you'll have to accept this will be a recurring phase in your life. On a level of 1 to 10 how much would you rate his situation stressful? Maybe he's less tolerant to stress then other men his age. You've only met him 6 months ago so maybe he has other underlying issues you don't know about like depression, etc. Only time and getting to him better will tell.

 

If I was in his situation, my stress levels would be through the roof. He's got payments for his house, has to pay his parents back, and he doesn't have a new job lined up, so i completely understand, which is why I want to see what he gets like when he cuts the cord with his current job.

 

and indeed, it is still a very new relationship and we are still very much getting to know each other. I am happy with all other aspects of our relationship and could not have asked for a better partner in many ways (he keeps me grounded!!) so perhaps this just takes a bit of patience from my side :)

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thank you! in your honest opinion - if he doesn't feel sexually attracted to me, but everything else is good in our relationship, want the same things etc...time to move on?

 

I think that’s something you need to decide. How important is it to you?

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The last two times this happened in relationships, both times was when the guy lost interest. Even when I asked if they were attracted to me, they lied and said that they were to "spare my feelings". Sigh...

Definitely do bring it up if it's a concern and just go from there.

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