Not sure how to react on the situation..

[lawin789]

Hi, I posted about this guy a few weeks ago. I met him a couple of weeks ago, he was from out of town and he was gonna come back this weekend to see me since he worked for an airline.

 

On Tuesday he said he was figuring out the way to come back and see me and yesterday he called me to ask me out on a date on Friday night bc he could make it.

He asked me to give him some recommendations on restaurants so he would make reservations. He asked me to text that night so I did.

 

Since then he hasn't contacted me yet. I know it's been only a day but since he didn't replied to me at all I'm starting to think that he might be flakey...

 

Should I ask him what's going on or should I wait until tomorrow? I just got invited to a party tomorrow so if I don't see him I want to go.

[Gaeta]

So he's a pilot? or a flight attendant? He's flying out of your country?

[Happy Lemming]

Plan on going to the party... If he doesn't return your message within 24 hours, something has come up on his end.

 

This situation seems rather difficult. Airlines change flights, flights get canceled, airline employees get jumbled around based on demand and other factors. I don't think he is "flaky" per se, I think it is more of a logistics thing.

 

Why don't you try to meet someone at this party?? That way distance isn't a factor.

[lawin789]

So he's a pilot? or a flight attendant? He's flying out of your country?

 

No he works at the office don t know exactly what he does. He has the benefit and comes from a city like 3 hours away.

[Versacehottie]

I'm a strong believer that you should let him do the "work". He seems like he was pretty proactive about this date so far. Let him do the last step confirming time & place tomorrow. I can't say what time you should "call it off" and by that I mean go on with your other party plans. I think sometimes a decent amount of guys can fly by the seat of their pants. And can take it that you said yes so time and place are a minor detail, very last minute type with that portion and it can be no reflection of disrespect or disinterest.

 

I don't think you need to be super black and white about it but if you hear from him at a time that you feel is too late or disrespectful of your time, be casual and breezy YET in charge of your boundary and time. Say: i didn't hear from you so I made other plans for tonight. That let's him know that he needs to get back to you and confirm plans etc in order to stay in your social plans. And also letting him make the last step confirming with you, etc, let's you see what this guy is really about. Important to know about whoever. Think of it as fact gathering rather than trying to make sure you go on the date--to me, he asked and that is on him, if he is a gentleman. You want to teach this person that you are not desperate to go on a date with him or be his gf, if he is not willing to be someone you would want in your life. So if he messes up by contacting you too late, then after you tell him you made other plans you can say you're sorry and try to reschedule. This kind of stuff is good for anyone that wastes your time. Idk, what the cutoff should be. Personally, I'm spontaneous and less of a planner and live in a busy city so maybe 4pm is something i would do. You seem like more of a planner plus he is coming from another city to see you so maybe a little earlier for you.

 

I know people will tell you to reach out and just see if you are still on. That can also work, but sends a bit of a mixed message. Considering your first situation with him especially, I think you should make it really clear on this one that you are gf material, i.e. you move on if someone doesn't treat you well. Whether it's to different evening plans, other guys or whatever. Good luck

Edited June 22, 2018 by Versacehottie

[lawin789]

I'm a strong believer that you should let him do the "work". He seems like he was pretty proactive about this date so far. Let him do the last step confirming time & place tomorrow. I can't say what time you should "call it off" and by that I mean go on with your other party plans. I think sometimes a decent amount of guys can fly by the seat of their pants. And can take it that you said yes so time and place are a minor detail, very last minute type with that portion and it can be no reflection of disrespect or disinterest.

 

I don't think you need to be super black and white about it but if you hear from him at a time that you feel is too late or disrespectful of your time, be casual and breezy YET in charge of your boundary and time. Say: i didn't hear from you so I made other plans for tonight. That let's him know that he needs to get back to you and confirm plans etc in order to stay in your social plans. And also letting him make the last step confirming with you, etc, let's you see what this guy is really about. Important to know about whoever. Think of it as fact gathering rather than trying to make sure you go on the date--to me, he asked and that is on him, if he is a gentleman. You want to teach this person that you are not desperate to go on a date with him or be his gf, if he is not willing to be someone you would want in your life. So if he messes up by contacting you too late, then after you tell him you made other plans you can say you're sorry and try to reschedule. This kind of stuff is good for anyone that wastes your time. Idk, what the cutoff should be. Personally, I'm spontaneous and less of a planner and live in a busy city so maybe 4pm is something i would do. You seem like more of a planner plus he is coming from another city to see you so maybe a little earlier for you.

 

I know people will tell you to reach out and just see if you are still on. That can also work, but sends a bit of a mixed message. Considering your first situation with him especially, I think you should make it really clear on this one that you are gf material, i.e. you move on if someone doesn't treat you well. Whether it's to different evening plans, other guys or whatever. Good luck

 

Well he did say he would pick me up at certain time when we talked on the phone. But i agree with you on how I should show him the way i wanna be treated. Since I slept with him the first date.. lol

 

Thanks always

[Versacehottie]

Well he did say he would pick me up at certain time when we talked on the phone. But i agree with you on how I should show him the way i wanna be treated. Since I slept with him the first date.. lol

 

Thanks always

 

Oh well then to me that's confirmed. It's not the best that he hasn't told you which place exactly since you might want to dress differently for one vs the other. But you are the one who gave him a list of suggestions, so you should be able to figure it out & he may think it's not necessary to tell you (boys! lol, but honestly that's ok).

 

The thing is if he told you what time he is picking you up, the stakes are higher. He better come through! Otherwise it's effectively standing you up. I should have added to my post above that I was leaning toward the fact that he isn't going to flake (lots of leg work beforehand on his part). With this additional info from you about he gave you a pickup time, that just backs up my feeling that he will come through. Have fun!

[lawin789]

Oh well then to me that's confirmed. It's not the best that he hasn't told you which place exactly since you might want to dress differently for one vs the other. But you are the one who gave him a list of suggestions, so you should be able to figure it out & he may think it's not necessary to tell you (boys! lol, but honestly that's ok).

 

The thing is if he told you what time he is picking you up, the stakes are higher. He better come through! Otherwise it's effectively standing you up. I should have added to my post above that I was leaning toward the fact that he isn't going to flake (lots of leg work beforehand on his part). With this additional info from you about he gave you a pickup time, that just backs up my feeling that he will come through. Have fun!

 

 

Oh! I know, boys.... lol

 

That's good if it seemed that he wasn't going to flake. I might be too uptight about this thing. In my experience guys always followed up before dates and since he's coming from a different city, thought I should hear from him by yesterday.

 

I haven't heard from him but if that's the case I'll just wait until 4-5pm and hit him up.

[Versacehottie]

Oh! I know, boys.... lol

 

That's good if it seemed that he wasn't going to flake. I might be too uptight about this thing. In my experience guys always followed up before dates and since he's coming from a different city, thought I should hear from him by yesterday.

 

I haven't heard from him but if that's the case I'll just wait until 4-5pm and hit him up.

 

Well I would wait til 4pm and then MOVE ON not hit him up. You want someone to respect your time then don't just give it up like it means nothing. To me, you reaching out at 4-5pm IF you still haven't heard from him teaches him that you REALLY want to go on the date and that he can act non-committal and not communicate what's going on and you will still be right "there". I don't think that's a message to send. You have options. You've been invited to a party. If he leaves you hanging (essentially that's what that would be) then why should you leave your night open for him. That's in general! You can't want to go on this date MORE than setting up patterns that will sabotage good patterns with him & how to treat you in the future. Better to sacrifice this particular date.

 

I guess though it really is a matter of communication style and expectations in this case. If you have the time he is picking you up, then there really is no reason to communicate beforehand BUT it doesn't match with your preferred need for confirmation and is not really how most people do it & frankly leaves it a little too vague for all concerned. The day he asked you and said pick you up at 8pm, you should have let him know to "talk or text" the day of--that way things wouldn't be floating in space. I don't think they are but it obviously makes you uncomfortable (presuming the date won't happen or that you need a confirmation of something from him--which kinda shows me your state of mind).

 

So in this case, i wouldn't wait at all to text him that late. Send him some innocuous question or text referring to the date early today. DO NOT ask "are we still on". The nature of that shows you are worried that he won't follow through and you get flaked on and that it's open for debate. Ah no. Your comment or question needs to confidently presume you are going tonight. This is a little way to "confirm" without asking for confirmation and next time don't let that happen again. It's too vague for you and too unpredictable. BTW, the text you send could be flirty, fun that's as good or better too. PRESUME you are going. I think you worked yourself into this state BUT it is also his communication style. I know plenty of guys who do this because it works for them, but not the best sign that he will prioritize you. Reel it in in the right way.

[lawin789]

Well I would wait til 4pm and then MOVE ON not hit him up. You want someone to respect your time then don't just give it up like it means nothing. To me, you reaching out at 4-5pm IF you still haven't heard from him teaches him that you REALLY want to go on the date and that he can act non-committal and not communicate what's going on and you will still be right "there". I don't think that's a message to send. You have options. You've been invited to a party. If he leaves you hanging (essentially that's what that would be) then why should you leave your night open for him. That's in general! You can't want to go on this date MORE than setting up patterns that will sabotage good patterns with him & how to treat you in the future. Better to sacrifice this particular date.

 

I guess though it really is a matter of communication style and expectations in this case. If you have the time he is picking you up, then there really is no reason to communicate beforehand BUT it doesn't match with your preferred need for confirmation and is not really how most people do it & frankly leaves it a little too vague for all concerned. The day he asked you and said pick you up at 8pm, you should have let him know to "talk or text" the day of--that way things wouldn't be floating in space. I don't think they are but it obviously makes you uncomfortable (presuming the date won't happen or that you need a confirmation of something from him--which kinda shows me your state of mind).

 

So in this case, i wouldn't wait at all to text him that late. Send him some innocuous question or text referring to the date early today. DO NOT ask "are we still on". The nature of that shows you are worried that he won't follow through and you get flaked on and that it's open for debate. Ah no. Your comment or question needs to confidently presume you are going tonight. This is a little way to "confirm" without asking for confirmation and next time don't let that happen again. It's too vague for you and too unpredictable. BTW, the text you send could be flirty, fun that's as good or better too. PRESUME you are going. I think you worked yourself into this state BUT it is also his communication style. I know plenty of guys who do this because it works for them, but not the best sign that he will prioritize you. Reel it in in the right way.

 

 

Hmm, right Idk why I'm so worked up by this.

 

I didn't see your post before I texted him lol. I texted him asking if he was still coming and friends of mine invited me to a party tonight and since they were from the same city as he was coming from asked him if we could join after dinner.

 

Dang! Haven't felt this weird lately. It does make me uncomfortable.

[Versacehottie]

Hmm, right Idk why I'm so worked up by this.

 

I didn't see your post before I texted him lol. I texted him asking if he was still coming and friends of mine invited me to a party tonight and since they were from the same city as he was coming from asked him if we could join after dinner.

 

Dang! Haven't felt this weird lately. It does make me uncomfortable.

 

Lol, girl you even said you were going wait until 4-5pm for that check in text--so yeah you're a little over-anxious (unless I'm totally misreading what time zone you might be in). However, I actually think that little misstep was pretty good as far as a text goes. That was my advice (which you hadn't seen bc it came after you sent text): is just send a little innocuous text that relates to the date. Did he answer?

 

I do think you should gauge how the date is going to see if you should actually go to the party. Basically if momentum is good, you don't want to mess with the vibe that a party with friends putting a bit of pressure or if he was to feel uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. It can make a guy feel like you are trying to be an insta-couple. Idk the nature of the party. The point is there are so many variables there that i wouldn't want to mess with a vibe that you guys are creating. I just think that it can be best to be on solid footing with each other before you start mixing in friends, etc. Though honestly i've done both with good results. It can just be a total toss up which way it goes. I don't think it's bad at all that you used that request as a reason to contact--even if you are having such a great time alone that you don't make it there.

 

I would guess if you are like most people. You are probably feeling nervous because:

 

*You are worried that he judged you in your first meeting and you want a real chance. You may actually be judging yourself in some way and letting it affect you. It's common to want your fair shot; everyone does. Stop putting any focus on the fact that he judges you for sex on first date. Obviously, he does not so much because here he is for a second date.

 

*You are focusing on the outcome of a date, of dates and if this will be THE ONE, etc. Best chance so you don't self-sabtoge and so you have fun and he has fun is to be more in the moment. Worrying about "things" won't affect the outcome to the positive, only influence things to the negative.

 

*You are focused on impressing him and him approving of you. Change the focus to see if HE meets your standards and if he impresses you. Don't jump to the end. You don't know this guy well yet. There is no way to know if he has the elements of what you want in a bf/husband until more down the road when you know more about him, have been through good stuff & bad, and until the relationship is put more to the test (not bad things per se but just time).

 

*You are trying a style of dating that is different than your norm. I think your nervousness is YOU fighting that new style. I would hesitate to say that you are even really doing it, even if you are making an attempt to be more open. Try to be less controlling. I think that will help. Realizing you can always change you position about him and that you are on a fact-gathering, fun-gathering mission. Lower the stakes. That should help you not be so amped up. What if your only goal tonight was to have fun?

 

*Like everything else in life, love stories and relationships, no matter how quick or slow they come to fruition, are things that unfold. So let the story unfold and enjoy your time. There is only so much you can tell in terms of signs and advice that people give you that can "guarantee" or predict things for you. You just need to experience things sometimes.

 

Good luck

[lawin789]

Lol, girl you even said you were going wait until 4-5pm for that check in text--so yeah you're a little over-anxious (unless I'm totally misreading what time zone you might be in). However, I actually think that little misstep was pretty good as far as a text goes. That was my advice (which you hadn't seen bc it came after you sent text): is just send a little innocuous text that relates to the date. Did he answer?

 

I do think you should gauge how the date is going to see if you should actually go to the party. Basically if momentum is good, you don't want to mess with the vibe that a party with friends putting a bit of pressure or if he was to feel uncomfortable for a variety of reasons. It can make a guy feel like you are trying to be an insta-couple. Idk the nature of the party. The point is there are so many variables there that i wouldn't want to mess with a vibe that you guys are creating. I just think that it can be best to be on solid footing with each other before you start mixing in friends, etc. Though honestly i've done both with good results. It can just be a total toss up which way it goes. I don't think it's bad at all that you used that request as a reason to contact--even if you are having such a great time alone that you don't make it there.

 

I would guess if you are like most people. You are probably feeling nervous because:

 

*You are worried that he judged you in your first meeting and you want a real chance. You may actually be judging yourself in some way and letting it affect you. It's common to want your fair shot; everyone does. Stop putting any focus on the fact that he judges you for sex on first date. Obviously, he does not so much because here he is for a second date.

 

*You are focusing on the outcome of a date, of dates and if this will be THE ONE, etc. Best chance so you don't self-sabtoge and so you have fun and he has fun is to be more in the moment. Worrying about "things" won't affect the outcome to the positive, only influence things to the negative.

 

*You are focused on impressing him and him approving of you. Change the focus to see if HE meets your standards and if he impresses you. Don't jump to the end. You don't know this guy well yet. There is no way to know if he has the elements of what you want in a bf/husband until more down the road when you know more about him, have been through good stuff & bad, and until the relationship is put more to the test (not bad things per se but just time).

 

*You are trying a style of dating that is different than your norm. I think your nervousness is YOU fighting that new style. I would hesitate to say that you are even really doing it, even if you are making an attempt to be more open. Try to be less controlling. I think that will help. Realizing you can always change you position about him and that you are on a fact-gathering, fun-gathering mission. Lower the stakes. That should help you not be so amped up. What if your only goal tonight was to have fun?

 

*Like everything else in life, love stories and relationships, no matter how quick or slow they come to fruition, are things that unfold. So let the story unfold and enjoy your time. There is only so much you can tell in terms of signs and advice that people give you that can "guarantee" or predict things for you. You just need to experience things sometimes.

 

Good luck

 

Yep, you are right about the first and forth points. Read me like a book lol.

 

He just replied me saying he's still at work and trying to make 530 flight, had to push the earlier flight. He did say on Wednesday that he would need to leave early from work to make it here around 7.

 

Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him to contact me when he gets on the flight? I could just say I'd go to party and he could meet me up when he gets here.

 

My dismissive/controlling nature just wants to drop him now and forget about him.... so I need your opinion

 

Your input is very appreciated as always.

[Versacehottie]

Yep, you are right about the first and forth points. Read me like a book lol.

 

He just replied me saying he's still at work and trying to make 530 flight, had to push the earlier flight. He did say on Wednesday that he would need to leave early from work to make it here around 7.

 

Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him to contact me when he gets on the flight? I could just say I'd go to party and he could meet me up when he gets here.

 

My dismissive/controlling nature just wants to drop him now and forget about him.... so I need your opinion

 

Your input is very appreciated as always.

 

Hope this is not too late. I'm thinking you are US based so hopefully not. Yes if he is communicating normally, factually, give him the benefit of the doubt & yes it's fair since his plans have shifted from what he'd hoped (and how he came about original pickup time) that he remain in touch with you. Now you are both in this together. And just as a guy you are dating & friend you would have concern & it affects your plan with him tonight. I do not think this deserves a drop him now by any means. You have to work with him a bit, considering he lives in another city. He is sounding a bit like a fly-by-the-seat of his pants a bit (like more overly optimistic about his timeframe rather than realistic which is why he didn't communicate missing the first flight to you BEFORE you got to him).

 

Personally, I am for keeping plans and your plans are with him. The party is secondary. I honestly believe there is a lot of angst and you two are not on solid enough ground to consider the party SO important that you would risk your relationship or even your "second chance" to make a first impression on the party. I think you should play it safe. Plus easier to flirt with him when it you guys alone in public, rather than a public of your friends. Are you more concerned with showing him off or showing your friends that you are dating than giving your best to this date? I think you need to get clear on your intentions. To me, it would be having a good date with a guy that excites you. There will be lots of other parties. Sometimes it's a bad idea to mix motives.

 

Secondly, while I definitely love giving an opinion. I think what is also making you nervous is you feel unable to rely on your own. This is not that serious so try not to work yourself up. Inside of you is exactly the answer you need. I would say that you might find in there a willingness to give this guy who gave you the benefit of the doubt from your not normal behavior, the benefit of the doubt in this situation. Dismissiveness is rarely a good tactic. I wouldn't advise it in this situation and it is far too extreme for no reason other than you are a little scared. To me, if you want to have some control, the best way to do it is not insist on the party. You will not be able to control the variety of factors or vibe he takes from that if you allow it to infringe on your date. But that's just me, you have a gut instinct, go with that.

[JuneL]

Most in this thread have suggested that the guy is insecure, and I was an outlier: It’s clear now you are the insecure one. I think the guy is good — he has your emotions all hooked.